Chapter 147: Julia Bullshits Chloe

Friday, April 29, 2005 (Continued)

I'll give you Julia's talk with Chloe now. It was spread over a couple of breaks, then mostly at lunch, but I'll simplify by presenting it as a continuous conversation.

Julia told Chloe, "I've thought of an idea for getting Mark to tell you what he wants you to do. I'll start by asking Mark to tell me. Do I have your permission to ask Mark that, Chloe?"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to be asking him his personal thoughts about you. They could be considered private between you and him, so I'm making sure you're okay with my asking Mark for that information. I'm making sure that I'm treating you and your privacy properly. Do I have your permission?"

"Of course. I want you to help me."

"I know I'm being overly cautious. It's because Mark and I are very careful about morality. Also because you and I might be sharing a boyfriend, so it's important to treat each other properly. That'll be easy for me, because I like you and I understand Mark a lot better than you do. I imagine that'll be harder for you though, because you don't understand how it's possible to share a boyfriend, do you?"

"No. I've been worried about that too. There are lots of things about Mark that I don't understand. You and Mark have both said you spend half your time with Carol, but what about the half you spend with Mark? How will that affect Mark and me? I don't understand Ava either. At lunch yesterday you said that she was Mark's girlfriend now, except that the three of you don't behave like she's a normal girlfriend, so I don't understand that..."

"Let me guess, the one thing you are sure of, is that you've never felt for any other boy the way you feel for Mark?"

"That's the ONLY thing I'm sure of! Everything else is very confusing..."

"We're getting off the topic of how I will help you find out how Mark wants you to change, but let me make a couple of quick points. Your confusion is natural. Mark is so exceptional and does such unusual things that a lot of our normal ways of thinking don't apply to him. Here's one little example: you need a very mature, sensible boyfriend. One who can see past your breasts, to see the person you really are. Who would've thought that would be a boy even younger than us.

^-- "Your confusion isn't because Mark is doing bad or wrong things - that's not how he behaves at all! - but he is doing things that you don't understand. Once you start having a relationship with Mark, you'll learn how it works and your confusion will go away, to be replaced with a great deal of happiness. You'll learn that it's marvelous that Ava and I are Mark's girlfriends at the same time as you. There's obviously no deceit or dishonesty involved, as we're totally open and honest with each other. One example of how well it works would be that if I offered to Ava to leave Mark entirely to her, she would beg me to stay. Likewise if she offered to leave him, I'd also beg her to stay. It works very well for both of us, and it will with you too."

"Umm, Julia, that's another thing I'm worried about. You and Ava, umm, do things in bed together. With each other. I don't think I'd fit in with that."

"You don't have to worry about that at all. Ava and I aren't going to pressure you for sex. Didn't the girls tell you on Sunday that we bent over backward to avoid pressuring them?"

"Yes."

"Then stop worrying about it. Mark and I are very moral. We're not going to force you into anything you don't want. Mark won't let you get involved in any sex until he knows you're ready. Mark won't even touch you himself until he's absolutely sure you're ready, even though there must be times you must feel so much desire for him that it drives you crazy."

"Umm. I'm confused about that too. I tried to talk with Mark about it, but he immediately put his foot down and said it was his decision about when we have sex." Chloe went on to tell Julia about that part of Chloe's and my earlier conversation (about me being the boss, and I will take her virginity when I judge the time is right). Chloe had been too embarrassed to mention that to Julia before, but she was getting desperate now.

At the end of Chloe's description, Julia said, "Mark is totally right. When he tells you it's time, thank him very much, take off your clothes, and jump into the bed. I know Mark confuses you, but there are a few things you know for certain about him already. You know that he'd NEVER touch you until he knew you were totally ready. He was reluctant to play with Pat and the other girls' breasts when they were snuggled up to him in the hot tub and begging him to touch them. They had to grab his hand and put it on their breasts themselves."

"{Giggle}. Yeah, they told me about that. They couldn't understand how he could be so cautious. He's obviously not scared of girls..."

"Let's not go down that digression now. Mark will NOT touch your breasts or take you to bed until he is totally convinced you're ready. I know he is very eager to have you as his girlfriend and lover, but..."

"He is! Really? He doesn't show it."

"He shows it every day; you just don't know him well enough to see it. He desires you a great deal because he likes you so much, BUT he will ignore his own desires until he is sure that you are ready AND that taking you to bed is the right thing to do. That is something he understands far better than we do. We both saw him instantly realize your going topless would ruin your relationship with him later, so it was the wrong thing to do. I hope that one day you will trust Mark, Chloe. Your life will..."

"But I DO trust him. I'm totally convinced he's not after me because of my breasts. Mark's the most amazing..."

"You do NOT trust him totally. When Mark told you he would decide when you and him would become lovers, you should've said, 'Yes, Mark, ' and that would have been the end of the issue. We would not be talking about it now. So you obviously do NOT trust him totally! At BEST you trust him about your breasts, but - and you of all people should know this - your breasts aren't all of you! Trusting Mark about your breasts is only the tiniest fraction of trusting him with your entire life."

"Oh no! You're right. I'm SO STUPID. I can't see past my STUPID breasts AGAIN! I never realized how..."

"Don't be too hard on yourself. You've had years of being distrustful because of them, so treating Mark properly isn't easy for you. It's important you succeed though, because you can't have a good relationship with him unless you trust him.

^-- "You also showed your lack of trust in him when you worried about Ava and me being his girlfriends. We are Mark's girlfriends by HIS choice - as you will be too - and you should trust that he has good reasons for having his relationships the way he does. Especially because you know Mark's not selfish! One great proof of how unselfish he is, is that he says he'll wait months before he'll accept you as his girlfriend. Any other boy would have grabbed you the first time you smiled at him. I'm sure Mark's ENTIRE reason for waiting is because it's best for you, because that's the sort of guy he is. Most people doubtless think that Mark's having two or three girlfriends is his being greedy, but I'll tell you for a fact that Ava and I get far more out of our relationship with Mark than he gets from us. We'd do anything for him, but most of the time he's happy just making us happy. Mark has more than one girlfriend because he likes GIVING so much. It's obvious that he doesn't want to take from you, does he? He wants to give. You understand that, don't you?"

"Yes, you're right. He could easily take from me, if he was like every other boy. He hasn't tried to kiss me, or touch me, or anything. When I was topless, he wouldn't even look at me."

"So it's nonsense for you to worry about him having Ava and me as his girlfriends, isn't it? He's not selfishly trying to grab as much as he can. He's giving as much as he can, just as he wants to give to you when you're ready. Obviously Ava and I aren't in competition with you. Am I behaving like I think you're a competitor for Mark's attentions? I don't think so! You should be proud and happy that the boy you love is capable of having so many high-quality relationships. Very few boys could make everybody feel so wonderful, but Mark can. But instead of being happy and proud, you were distrustful and worried.

^-- "Before you interrupt, I'll give you one more example." (Which meant that Julia had just had one more good idea. One that I was VERY pleased about, but was mainly intended just to make things smoother if Chloe became a regular girlfriend.) "You worried about not fitting in with the girl-on-girl sex that goes on around Mark. I don't understand why you were worried about that. Mark would NEVER push you to do something that wasn't appropriate for you. You've got nothing to worry about it, because just as Mark has told you that he'll decide when he'll take you to bed, I'm sure he'll also decide whether or not, and when, you will ever go to bed with a girl..."

"{Gasp}. But I've never had..."

"Chloe, you're not listening. Mark will decide! He KNOWS what's best for you. If he decides girl-on-girl sex is not appropriate for you, which it sounds like it's not, then he won't let you do it. Even if you tried to talk him into it, as some sort of way of impressing or pleasing him, he won't let you do it. But if he decides it's appropriate for you, then it will be.

^-- "That's three examples of your demonstrating that you don't trust Mark, just from our short conversation. That there are so many obvious examples of your distrust saddens me..."

Julia had to spend the next few minutes consoling a blubbery, self-recriminating Chloe. Not only for the above, but also because Chloe admitted, "{Sob}. You're right. He made a joke about my stupid breasts yesterday, and I reacted badly. Not for long, but he saw it, and even commented on it. {Sob}. I'm a TERRIBLE person. I shouldn't be his girlfriend. I'm not..."

"Chloe, your breasts aren't 'stupid' the way you keep saying; they're wonderful breasts. They're so wonderful many boys can't control themselves. What IS stupid is how much they've damaged your ability to trust someone as obviously trustworthy as Mark. Your statement that you shouldn't be his girlfriend is silly and unnecessary. Mark thinks you should be his girlfriend. He easily knows you well enough to judge that. I trust his judgment, so I have no doubt that he's right. If you think you shouldn't be his girlfriend, then you're disagreeing with Mark, which is now the fourth example of your not trusting his judgment. Almost every time you open your mouth you prove how untrusting you are. It's frightening, isn't it?"

"{Sob}."

"This entire conversation would've been unnecessary if you truly did trust Mark, but it has been a very worthwhile conversation, because it's given you a very clear picture of how suspicious and untrusting you are. I know that intellectually you understand that you can trust Mark totally, but it hasn't sunk in deep enough yet, so your emotional reactions are very unfair. You've started the process, but you've got a way to go yet. I know it's very difficult to make changes like that, but there's no doubt that you're in the wrong and that you have to change. I suggest you start by spending a lot of time thinking about the four examples I gave you, and doing your best to convince yourself that you can trust Mark about them. Do you remember what the four examples were?"

"Umm. Sorry. I'm too upset to think clearly."

"Get a pen and paper out of your bag and I'll give them to you again." After the necessary pause, Julia slowly recited, "One: that Mark will decide when you will become lovers. Two: you worried needlessly about Ava and I being his girlfriends. Three: you worried needlessly about girl-on-girl sex. And four: you thought you shouldn't be Mark's girlfriend. I could add a fifth, about your reacting badly when Mark mentions your breasts, but you know about that and you're already getting better at it. Have you got all those?"

"Yes. {Sniff}."

"The four items are things that you should leave for Mark to decide. You have to think about that list carefully and really convince yourself deep down inside that Mark is far more capable of making the right decisions than you are. Look at how silly your idea of proving you trusted him by showing him your breasts was! He thought through all the future implications of that in a second.

^-- "The girl-on-girl sex item is probably the most extreme. Before I started going out with Mark I would've sworn on a stack of bibles that I'd never want to touch another girl. Never in my life had I felt even the faintest interest in that, but now I'm the half-time lover of a lesbian, and sometimes have threesomes! I was amazed to discover that I enjoy it, especially if Mark is involved. When Ava first started seeing Mark, she told him she was bisexual, but Mark knew right from the beginning that she wasn't. But now she's similar to me. A few nights ago Mark had sex with Katelin, and after he'd finished with her, Ava and I jumped into the bed and the two of us had sex with Mark. Katelin lay on the side of the bed watching us, both at night and when we did more the next morning. Not once did Mark say a single word to her about her joining in. Mark knew it wasn't a good idea for Katelin. Last but not least, Mark slept with Pat and Lily a week ago. He gently pushed them into touching each other, and by the next morning they'd both discovered that they really enjoyed it. You've seen that they're best friends now! I've never bothered asking, but I'd guess that the two of them have had sex together since their night with Mark. If you asked them, I'm sure they'd tell you, because they're quite proud of their new-found bisexuality.

^-- "In every case Mark knew exactly the right thing to do. I know you think you're like Katelin, and you might even be right. Or you might be like me, and be amazed to find out that you enjoy it. The impressive truth is that Mark can read your desires far better than you can, which is hard to believe but I've seen it over and over now. My guess is that we deny we have such feelings so well that we hide them even from ourselves, but Mark is such a genius that he can tell. I don't know whether you are like Katelin or like me. I'm not going to waste any time worrying about it, because I've learned to trust Mark about issues like that. If you hadn't mentioned it, I never would've given it a thought. Your worrying about it is silly, because Mark will know what's best for you. Mark is very good at unselfishly knowing what is best. If you truly trusted him, you'd stop worrying about it too.

^-- "I doubt anything will happen for months, or maybe ever, but if Mark ever asks you to make love to another girl, I strongly suggest you say, 'Yes, Mark, ' and jump to it. Not only is Mark certain to be right, but even more seriously, you've shown Mark that you don't trust him FAR too often. If you keep hurting him so badly, you risk him deciding to give up on you. You seriously need to start showing him some trust. You understand what I'm saying, don't you?"

"Yes. I have been very bad to him, it's true. I didn't realize how bad until you explained it. I think I should get some professional help, because I've messed my head up badly, haven't I?"

"Haha. No, I don't think that at all. I'm not the least bit worried about your needing professional help."

"You're not?"

"No, not at all. Mark has spent a great deal of time thinking about you and your needs, and he's never said anything about your needing help. Instead he's made many comments that he thinks you'll be a wonderful girlfriend. He's got a lot of faith in you, and I've got total faith in him, so I'm not worried at all. If you trust Mark, you shouldn't be worried either. If you don't believe us, and you seek help, you'd be telling Mark - yet again - that you don't trust his judgment. That would be a very bad thing to do, Chloe.

^-- "Another reason I'm not worried about it, is because I can see you intellectually understand that you can trust Mark, it's just that you're struggling to break the bad habit you've got. But you've only been trying for a couple of days! That's NOTHING! If you've still got a trust problem in six months, then get some help. Until then, have faith in Mark."

"Okay, I will. I'm not sure about my having sex with girls, but I trust him about breaking my bad habit. I hope that's all it is, just a bad habit. You've made me very aware that I'm far worse than I thought I was. I didn't even think I was at fault at all!"

"I'm sure your problem is mostly habitual. You're too good a person to be truly black-hearted deep down inside. I'm also sure Mark will know what to do about your having sex with girls too. From what you've been saying, you're probably like Katelin, so Mark will tell you not to. But if he says you would grow to like sex with girls, then I would take his word for it. If you trusted Mark's judgment you wouldn't worry about it, but if you are worried, why not simply ask him what he thinks about your having sex with girls?"

"Oh no, I couldn't. I'd be too embarrassed."

"I hate to say it again Chloe, but that just proves again that you don't trust Mark. If you go to Mark and ask him something you're concerned about, he is going to see your concern, carefully consider your question, and answer as best he can. He likes helping people he cares for, and he would enjoy helping ease your worry.

^-- "Let's put ALL this other stuff to the side for now, and get back to what we're supposed to be talking about: how to convince Mark to tell you what it is you need to do to become a good girlfriend for him. Remember, that's what we intended to talk about?"

"Yeah, we got very distracted, didn't we?"

"We certainly did. Usefully though, because now you've got a much better idea of how often your distrust must have hurt Mark, and how much harder you're going to have to try. You've got a lot of work to do yet, especially in finding ways to show Mark that you are starting to trust him, because he's got to be feeling very discouraged by now. That's very important, because the last thing you want him to do is give up on you. That'd be a disaster!"

"But how could I show him that?"

"I can think of some ways, but they're not important for now. Let's plan my talk with Mark tonight. I told you yesterday afternoon that I'd think about it. I came up with some good thoughts. First, what is it that Mark is waiting for you to do? I hadn't previously bothered to think what that might be, because I trust Mark to do the right things for you. Since our phone call yesterday I've been trying to think what it could be, but I can't work it out. You still don't know what it is, do you?"

"I've been racking my brain, but I can't think of anything except maybe that I don't trust him enough yet."

"I'm sure it's not that. Mark's reason is one he wants to keep secret from you, but we discuss your trust issue every day so that's not it."

"Umm, what about my having sex with girls? Could that be it?"

"Haha. Of course not. What a funny idea!"

"Why is it so funny?"

"Mark's not worried about SEX! That's the LAST THING on his mind. He cares about people, not their bodies. It's something else he wants you to do."

"He's a strange boy, isn't he? A GOOD boy, I mean."

"He's very good and very strange, haha. I've lost track of the number of times I was sure he was doing something silly - even obviously silly - only to find out later that he was doing the right thing the whole time. In the early days of my relationship with him, I used to laugh when I saw him try to do something silly, and I'd correct him. He'd smile, thank me, and do it the way I suggested. An hour later, or a week later, I'd find out that he knew what he was doing the whole time and it only LOOKED silly. He never rubbed it in. He just let me learn to trust his judgment at my own pace. I can't imagine any other boy behaving like that. But back to the subject: we agree that we don't know what the secret change Mark is waiting for you to do?"

"No. I can't think of anything at all. I wish I knew, because I'd do whatever he wanted."

"Oh, really? Even have sex with girls? Don't bother answering, Chloe; I don't care what your answer is. It's up to you to decide how much you trust Mark, and decide whether your saying you'll do 'whatever he wants' is true or just meaningless hot air.

^-- "Neither of us can figure out Mark's secret, so I have to ask him. I have to know what it is before I can argue with him about it. I'm fairly sure he'll tell me what it is. Obviously he wants to keep it a secret from you, but he trusts me, so he'll tell me and ask me not to tell you. Here's where we have the first potential problem: when Mark tells me his reason, I might agree that you should not know what it is."

"You mean no one would tell me?"

"That's correct, no one..."

"Oh no! That'd be terrible. It might take me months and months to work it out. Maybe years, or maybe never! That means I'd never get to be Mark's girlfriend..."

"CHLOE! I said that MIGHT happen; I didn't say it would. Mark might get hit by a bus tomorrow too. If you stop our talk to cry about everything that might happen, this is going to be a very long conversation."

"I'm sorry. This is very important to me. I NEED to be Mark's girlfriend. He's the only boy I've ever cared for, or ever expect to. There's no one as wonderful as him..."

"You don't have to tell me that! I KNOW he's very special. I'll carry on with the main topic. Presuming I don't think the reason should be secret, then I'll try to convince him to tell it to you. Convincing Mark is NOT going to be easy, to put it mildly. I think it's probably going to be impossible to convince Mark he's wrong, so that won't be..."

"OH NO! You HAVE TO convince him..."

" ... SO THAT WON'T BE what I'll be doing! I'm going to use a completely different approach. Going head to head with Mark, by trying to out-argue and out-think him, is not something I could succeed at, especially when he's had days to think about something and I've only had minutes. I'd fail if I was silly enough to argue with him that way. What I'm going to do is to try to convince him that he's being SELFISH not to tell you. Mark hates the idea of being selfish, so the moment I mention that, he's going to listen very seriously and very worriedly to what I'm saying."