Chapter 4: Or Has It Ever Come Down To Do Or Die

"You ignored her at school, didn't you?" Candice asked. I'd stopped talking and stood by the window staring out at the parking lot.

"I skipped school the next day. I ... ahh, skipped lunch and our afternoon get together the day after that. I don't answer the phone at home; Catherine told me to call Celia back so she'd stop calling. Thursday and Friday were the worst! I sat as far away from her as I could in class. I didn't say a word to her at lunch or when the Loser Tribunal hung out."

"Jesus, Tavi!"

"I didn't think about how cruel I was being. I wanted it to go away. I wished I hadn't made love to her so I could go back to the smaller feeling of wanting to protect her instead of the monster eating me from the inside."

"Tavi, please tell me you didn't tell her that!" Candice walked over and held my face in her hands. "You did not tell Celia you wished you hadn't made love to her."

"I didn't talk to her, Candice," I said with tears falling down my cheeks. "Not one word to her! When she asked me a question, I turned my back."

She pulled my head down on her shoulder. Her skin muffled my sobs for a long time.

"I'm sorry, Tavi," Candice said after she led me back to the chair and sat down. "Celia came to me; she was in love with you, the stupid high school stuff that we all go through. She wanted to know if she could ... I didn't think there might be more to your powers than what I found in the testing."

"It's not your fault, Candice."

"You were an utter asshole to her, Tavi," she said, bringing tears back to my eyes. "You're too powerful to be that selfishly cruel. You could have and you should have handled the situation better."

I hated every word for a second but nodded after the feeling passed. Candice was right, like she had been so many times. I should have given Celia what she needed while taking care of my shit. Not interrupting Candice's idyllic new life was a bullshit excuse to hide losing my place as her lover. My insecurities hurt Celia and pandering to them got her killed.

"I bear some of the responsibility," Candice continued. "We've never been able to safely test the limits of your physical gifts. I should have considered there was more to the Heart of Darkness. I might as well have used Celia as a gun against you, without ever questioning whether or not to pull the trigger."

I stayed quiet. Candice could very critical of my actions, though nothing compared to how she beat herself up for any mistakes she made involving me.

"I remember high school heartbreak, Tavi," she said. "Celia didn't kill herself because of you, did she?"

"They raped her."

"Who?" Candice stared at me hard.

"I don't know one of them. She never saw his face," I replied. "William Thorne and his two cronies."

I didn't have to tell her who they were. Candice talked me down from doing a lot of pounding on the three high school idiots. She orchestrated the solution to Billy's hazing of Morgan.

I described what I had seen when I touched Celia. As the last words were still staining the air, Candice walked out of the room. Michelle woke up while her mom was trying to get control of the urge to kill the assholes, who destroyed Celia's soul. After Celia, I did not dare touch Michelle. She was not old enough for anything evil to touch her heart yet; I would probably feel the same need to protect her.

"So you don't think wanting to protect Celia had anything to do with her rape?" Candice asked from the door.

"I didn't see it coming or get a psychic feeling," I answered. "It was general, like protecting a lit candle from the wind."

"Okay."

"That's not the end, Candice." Her eyes showed fear. I did not want to tell her. Candice deserved better for everything she had done for me.

"Tell me, Tavi," she whispered.

"They have to pay!" I said.

Candice's arguments did nothing to sway me. I ignored the need to protect Celia, but I was going to embrace the new monster.

I made a promise at Celia's grave. The compulsion to destroy her attackers would be fed until it died having burst from satisfying its gluttony.

Morgan stared hatred at me. Elis did not say a word. Candice was behind everyone watching me. She had more arguments to make about the stupidity of vengeance. I didn't care! I would protect her from the consequences, but I would not ignore what my so-called gifts demanded I do.

A touch would get me the information I needed. Unfortunately, I did not know how long I had to maintain the contact. I wanted to know everything I could about the rapes. Celia's attack had been too coordinated--there were other victims!

I was so used to not touching that initiating it would have brought suspicion. Billy and his two assholes weren't part of my crowd so casual touches throughout the day wouldn't happen either. Considering the worst they might have done, I figured I needed a touch long enough to give me all their victims. How many? Five. Ten.

Walking through the hallways without my gloves did not bring me in contact with another girl they attacked. I had to go to the scab and rip it off to expose the wound.

Everybody's image of me helped. Ahmo's fat adopted brother! I got lucky with a swim day during gym class. I used the lockers farthest away from the crowd to change. A couple of guys did double takes at my body, but they weren't 'supposed' to look at other men so they only glanced at my face. The swim cap and goggles prevented their minds from connecting the body to me. Dumbasses! Anybody willing to look would notice my face did not match the fat image in their mind.

I got behind Lars as he entered the hallway to the pool. With the door locked, we had to stand in line. Someone pushed me from behind, giving me the opening I needed (along with a vision of what he wanted to do to my ass that was... ). I grabbed Lars' arm to catch my balance.

"Sorry!" I had to push the word out through bile. Thankfully, the gym teacher opened the door and let us into the pool area. The girls were already getting wet. There were no planed exercises so I could sit in the water without anyone paying attention to me.

I shook from the desire to break Lars' neck. It would be so easy! He was in the deep part of the pool horsing around. Come in underneath, kill him, and be changed before anyone registered a problem. The cops would have no reason to suspect the fat kid. I could kill the other two motherfuckers as easily. Throw one in front of train or something. The other off the roof of the Thorne house!

"Are you okay?" Ahmo asked.

I pressed my lips together, thinning them to give her mind less to recognize me. Nodding, I pushed out of the pool and headed for the boys' locker room. I couldn't stop myself from turning and looking at her. She stared at me with her brow furrowed. I rushed into the boys' locker room.

Taking my normal position on the gym bleachers, I took a deep breath. The thing with Ahmo had been close. She was too smart to give her any reason to suspect something wasn't right with her image of me.

"Dude, you didn't go in the pool?" Elis asked, surprised by my wet hair.

"I peeked in the door," I said. "Ahmo is wearing a red swimsuit."