Chapter 2: Have You Ever Felt A Pain So Powerful

"Are you going out with Billy Thorne?" I asked Ahmo. We sat at the dining table, recovering from our parents' attempt to be parental. If their efforts had only been directed at Ahmo, they might have done fine. For some perverse reason, the thought I might need support occurred to them, worse they tried to provide it. Dinner resembled a sci-fi movie where in the middle you realize the entire human race will be extinct at the end--hopeless but you're committed! Dad would have done okay by me if Catherine had not joined the effort.

"I don't know!" Ahmo said between her teeth. Okay! Maybe it wouldn't have gone well for Catherine and dad if they'd only tried to parent Ahmo. "What the fuck do you care?"

Ahmo wasn't like Celia. She might have been before Catherine decided to acquire a son to complete the family. I cared though; I put the darkness in Ahmo's heart like William, his dogs, and the fourth rapist wounded Celia deep enough to destroy her light.

"He'll hurt you," I said.

"What the fuck do you know, Tavi?" Each word was a bite attempt. I wanted to let it go. Celia's suicide hurt! Morgan and Elis had shown me far more loyalty than Ahmo. They needed me. But they weren't in danger like Ahmo.

I ignored my feelings about Celia, the driving need to protect her. I had to find out what happened to Celia from the source. There had to be other victims; evil of that nature takes practice.

"Celia," I whispered.

"Did you fuck her?" The last question I expected my sister to ask. "It's been around the school that you fucked her and dumped her."

I got up from the table. Biting the inside of my mouth didn't prevent my eyes from watering. What other interpretation could our classmates come up with after I stopped talking to Celia? They didn't know about the gnawing in my gut every time she came near me. I could not explain lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and fighting the intense desire to make sure she was safe.

I touched Celia and for the first time in my life stared into a heart made of warming light. I allowed it to be extinguished. I had not touched Ahmo in a long time, but my sister showed me every day her heart could not match Celia. There was no cruelty in Ahmo's actions just selfishness. Yet I failed to protect a bright light, maybe I could prevent my sister's heart from going darker.

"They hurt Celia," I said.

She stood up so fast the chair fell over, "You can't know that! Don't fucking blame us because you freaks can't handle life!"

I put my hands on the table and hung my head. I wanted to cry! She knew, not what the rapists had done, but the darkness I would find when I built up the courage to touch Billy and his friends.

"I don't know if they would hurt you, Ahmo," I said. "You're one of them."

"I am not!" Most people would not have heard the whisper.

"Dad didn't let you date until now, so all your piece of shit friends are buzzing about who is going to be first to crack you open. The way they're talking should be enough reason for you to stay as far away as you can."

"Fuck you, Tavi!"

"But William Thorne the Third killed Celia!" I had to focus on not putting my fist through the table. "You're better than him, and he knows it. He'll hurt you if he can, sis."

I did not look at her as I walked out of the room. I ignored our parents and headed out of the house. There was only one person I could talk to; she kept my secrets and sanity. I needed her help! I wanted someone to tell me the desire born when I watched Celia die was something everyone felt. I couldn't deal with having something else to hide.

"Hello, Tavi." The receptionist searched my face before continuing in a compassionate voice, "Are you okay?"

It is one of those questions the world would stop spinning if anyone answered truthfully. 'My friend. A girl I had sex with a week ago. My teenage puppy love just killed herself. What the fuck do you think? Really!'

"I didn't see it coming," I said.

She was around the desk so fast I barely got my hands up. "Oh God, I forgot!"

"It's okay," I said.

"One hug wouldn't be so bad," she whispered. "Your friend died this morning!"

"I think I'll get my quota of necessary human contact," I replied, pointing down the corridor.

"I never considered how bad it must be with your condition." Her tears almost brought mine to the surface. She took a deep breath, "Dr. Card had me clear her schedule. Take all the time you need. I'll lock up when I leave."

She looked like she was going to throw caution to the wind and hug me so I rushed down the corridor. The nurses must have been sent home. Candice Card's thriving pediatric practice made partial days off hard to come by for her staff.

I opened the door and stood still. Candice was rocking her baby girl and humming into the child's ear. The baby slept peacefully, so I guess it was as much for mother as daughter. Candice smiled at me and laid the baby in the bassinet. I looked away as Candice stroked her daughter's cheek before bending down to kiss her.

"Isn't it too soon to be back at work?" I sat next to her desk. She reached out and ran a finger along my cheekbone. There was more light in her heart, wholly directed at the sleeping baby. "The baby changed you."

"I'm too liberated to think a baby makes me a better person, Tavi Smith," she answered. She held the serious face for a second before laughing. "Plus, I like to think I've been moving towards being one of your good people for the last ten years."

Flipping her dark hair back, she studied me. For a second I flashed back to sitting on the floor of her bathroom and watching bubbles dance on her skin. Many secrets bonded us deeply.

"I'm a married woman," she said.

"I helped you pick him," I replied. "Believe me, I know. Are you sure about him, Candice?"

She waived the end of the question aside. I didn't agree with Candice's choice of husband. When I touched people, I saw the light and dark of their hearts. I bore witness to the best and worst that ever happened to them or they had ever done, but the reasons or emotions behind their actions lay beyond my reach. Candice's husband was safe, that's all she asked me to tell her after I touched him.

Candice arranged every item on the desk. It was a nervous habit, which she did at least once during my visits. I waited until she put her emotions and questions in order. The leftover baby weight looked good on her. I shook my head, thinking about a naked Candice might distract me from Celia's suicide nor was it appropriate anymore.

"She was your girlfriend," Candice said finally. Her eyes bored into me as if they could get to the truth as easily as I could. Candice knew more about me than anyone else. She protected me before I knew how much I needed it. She had a right to know so I let her look into my eyes until she nodded.