Chapter 2: Beginning to Heal

Melanie sat in the chair next to her bed and watched her sister. She was amazed that Madison was still asleep. The older girl usually was the early riser, and here it was, nearly noon, and Madison was still sawing logs. Melanie had already showered and eaten. She had come in to wake Madison, but found her looking so peaceful. Melanie's heart wanted to break. She knew that many of Madison's burdens came from Madison's endless effort to try to carry Melanie's own problems. She felt sad that she'd pushed her sister away, especially over the last year. She wasn't sure why Madison being gay bothered her that night. She'd never been as strong as Madison and guessed she couldn't handle the new issues that came with that revelation.

So Melanie pushed her away. And now they hardly spoke, except in anger. Melanie wanted to make amends, but she didn't know how. If she knew how to fix the problems she caused she wouldn't have so many.

Melanie knew that, like Aunt Lynn, Madison didn't approve of her choices. She just hoped her sister didn't feel the same animosity as their aunt did, though. Sure, Melanie had tried a drug or two, and she probably drank too much, but she wasn't the slut her aunt said she was. She didn't sleep around, and she never let herself get so far gone that someone could take advantage of her. If she had sex, and she'd only done it with two different boys, she wanted to do it and carefully planned it.

She let her eyes wander from her sister's sleeping face and down her length. She was envious of Madison's figure, much curvier than her own. And yet Madison seemed content to just hide it behind baggy clothes. She couldn't fathom why Madison was so afraid to show a little more skin. Most guys loved a girl to show off her body. Hello, Mel! Lesbian! she reminded herself. She wondered if Madison had ever had a girlfriend, if she had had sex with a girl. Then she wondered if Madison had someone in mind.

Melanie felt uncomfortable thinking about her sister with another girl, so she tried to think of something else. Looking back at Madison's face, Melanie resolved to try to smooth out their relationship. Regardless of fault, Madison was so forgiving, but Melanie wondered if she'd screwed up beyond hope. She ached to be friends with her sister again. She missed the security, warmth and comfort she found from Madison's love and attention. She wondered if that was what attracted Madison to girls—that security, warmth and comfort. But you didn't have to be in love with another woman to feel those things from her. What else could a girl offer that a boy couldn't? Melanie blushed at all the lurid answers to that question that suddenly poured into her brain. She shook her head to try to clear out the thoughts. She had to stop thinking about this.

She renewed her resolve and focused on the task at hand. Today would be the first day of their new relationship and it was wasting away. She quietly leaned forward in her chair and brushed one of Madison's locks gently away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. She took a deep breath and let it out.

"RISE AND SHINE, SLEEPY HEAD!" she screamed. Madison jolted away, her arms flailing and legs wheeling as she scrambled out of her bed, eyes wide and panicked. Melanie doubled over with laughter before collapsing back into her chair trying to catch her breath. Madison's chest heaved as she fought to regain her senses.

"What the hell??" Madison stammered, trying to calm herself. "Melanie! You really are a bitch."

Melanie tried to talk, but sunk again into hysterical giggling.

"It's not funny. I almost had a heart attack." Melanie continued giggling. Madison's anger began to break away and suddenly she was grinning. "Bitch. I'll give you something to laugh about." She launched herself on Melanie. Before her sister could react, Madison was digging her fingers into her sister's ribs. They fell on the floor, Madison on top of Melanie.

"Stop! Stop! Hee, hee ... I'm sorry ... don't tickle ... oh, hee hee..." Madison's tickling was relentless and her sister was helpless, her arms trapped beneath Madison's knees. Their laughter mingled together before Madison soon rolled off Melanie and lay, panting, beside her. Melanie would occasionally giggle in between her gasps for breaths. Madison thought the sound was melodic. She'd always loved Melanie's giggle, and had missed it so.

Soon, they were composed enough to hold a conversation.

Melanie put her head on her hand, elbow on the floor and looked down at Madison. Her face was suddenly serious. "Maddie, I just want to say I'm sorry."

Madison missed the meaning of Melanie's comment. "No big deal, Mel. I'll get over my heart attack."

"I don't mean that. I mean last night. And every night I've ever made you worry or yelled at you or brushed you off. I don't know why I did that."

Madison was quiet. She was taken aback by Melanie's sudden change, and she didn't quite know how to deal with it. Was her sister really attempting to apologize for two years of anguish? Madison wanted to accept, to hug her sister and tell her it was all right, but a part of her was reluctant. She was afraid this was all a ruse, a ploy by Melanie for some nefarious purpose. Still, the look on Melanie's face seemed so sincere. Madison would need to tread lightly here. She remained silent, which seemed to prod Melanie to continue.

"I don't blame you if you can't find it in your heart to forgive me right now. I know you are probably skeptical. But I just need you to know that starting today, I'm going to do everything I can to make it up to you." Melanie's eyes welled up with tears. They searched Madison's, as if trying to find a way into her sister's heart. "I ... I missed you, Maddie." A lone tear trickled down her cheek and got caught between her hand and face.

Madison couldn't help herself. Her sister looked so vulnerable, so pleading. She rolled over and threw her arm and leg over Melanie. "It's OK. Melanie. I believe you. I want to forgive you, but ... but I need ... I need time. OK?"

"OK." Melanie wiped her face, which then brightened. "Now, get your butt up and showered. We've got places to go and things to do." She stood up and pulled Madison to her feet. "Everybody else went to visit Dennis's family and will be gone until late. I figure that gives us plenty of time for shopping."

"Shouldn't take long. I think I have less than ten bucks to my name," Madison said.

Melanie rolled her eyes. "Hello! Earth to Madison! I'm talking shopping like we used to. At the mall."

Madison smiled when it sunk in. The twins had spent many hours at the mall near their home the last few years they spent with their mom. They didn't have money then, either, so they would just sit on a bench and ogle the guys that walked by. The smile on her face began to fade. Wait a minute. If Melanie knew that Madison wasn't interested in guys, why did she think Madison would be interested in ogling guys? Did she expect her to just feign interest?

She began to speak, but Melanie grabbed her by the shoulders. "We don't have all day, girl. Get a move on." She turned Madison around, nudged her forward and swatted her butt to urge her to move. Madison shuffled to the shower, her mind confused at this sudden change in her sister. When the warm water fell on her long hair and shoulders, she made up her mind to enjoy the change as long as possible.

The mall was teeming with the typical Saturday afternoon crowd. Parents hurried their little kids from store to store, brushing past the leisurely throngs of socializing teenagers. The twins sat on a little bench where four corridors of stores merged. They found this spot to be particularly fruitful for people watching.

They sat for a while just talking about this and that, making up for lost time. Madison felt her defenses beginning to crumble. Melanie was so mesmerizing in the way she talked and moved and laughed. She seemed intent on trying to mend the previous two years in one afternoon. Her personality and attitude were infectious.

There was a lull in the conversation as they just watched people move past them. Madison took a sip of her soda when Melanie had a sudden intake of breath.

"Damn, Maddie! Killer body right behind you." Madison looked up at Melanie, whose mouth and eyes were wide. Great, Madison thought. Here we go. She quickly debated to herself whether she should remind Melanie she was interested in girls only or whether she should just play along with her sister's guy watching. Melanie interrupted her thoughts. "Look at the way her hips move."

Her? Did Melanie just say "her?" Madison swallowed and glanced nonchalantly behind her, flipping her hair as if it was a natural action. Her jaw dropped. There was no doubt who Melanie was referring to. A mixed group of probably six or seven teens were gathered in lively discussion. Madison's eyes immediately focused on a curvy blonde who had her back to them. She wore a tight little pair of khaki cotton twill shorts and a white satiny halter top. Madison's eyes followed the curves down from her bare shoulders to the hem of her halter, past her tiny tanned waist, which then flared out to beautifully rounded hips. The shorts began at their widest point and ended just at the top of her thighs. She was obviously engrossed in the conversation of the group and wiggled her hips from time to time. Madison could almost hear the bell tinkling as they swayed.

"She's a hottie," Melanie quipped.

Madison turned her attention back to her sister. She was floored that her boy-crazy sister had even noticed the sexy blonde, let alone commented about her. Was this Melanie's way of saying she was OK with Madison's orientation? Or was she just teasing her older sister? Madison tried to read what was behind Melanie's eyes.

"Well, don't you think so?" Melanie was looking at Madison now, eyebrow raised.

"I ... uh ... Yeah. Most definitely. She's hot." Madison blushed.

Melanie took the cue. "Hey, I'm not so blind that I can't recognize a hot girl when I see one. I can appreciate hot bods of either gender."

Madison smiled, letting her guard down again. The twins spent the rest of the afternoon just catching up and ogling every body that passed their way, male or female.

"If all guys had muscles like that, I might be interested."

"Look at the way she walks. Can you say uptight?"

"The girl with the short brown bob? I could get into that."

"Check out his ass. Damn!"

Hours later, they climbed off the transit bus and made their way the three blocks to their street. Their laughter and schoolgirl banter had died down, and Madison was feeling very contented.

"Thanks, Mel. This was a blast," Madison said, warmly.

"Glad you had fun, sis. I enjoyed myself, too." Madison glanced at Melanie and noticed her face. She was obviously deep in thought.

"You OK, Melanie?"

Melanie stopped walking and met Madison's look. "Listen, Maddie. I just want to ... need to ... apologize to you for teasing you that night, you know, when I found you liked girls."

Madison shrugged. "It is what it is. And what it is is my own problem."

"It's not a problem," Melanie said intensely. "There's nothing wrong with being attracted to girls. And you absolutely should have told me. We..." She cast her gaze down to the ground. "Maddie, I don't have anyone else to confide in. I've always felt like I could tell you anything without you judging me. And there you were, exposing a very important thing to me and I let you down. I'm so sorry." Her eyes filled with tears.

Madison also wanted to cry. She was elated at what her sister was saying about their relationship, but she couldn't help but feel ashamed at liking girls. She hated that society made her feel this way. Keeping her emotions in check, she responded. "Thanks, Melanie. That means a lot to me. I've felt so alone."

Melanie wrapped her arms around Madison's neck and pulled her into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry, Maddie. I promise I'll always be there for you."

Madison returned the embrace and smiled. They continued down the street, arm in arm.

The girls sat on the living room floor watching some sitcom. They had just finished up an early dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup and were relishing the companionship they felt. Melanie leaned against the couch, her long slender legs stretched out in front of her and one foot crossed over the other. Madison lay on her side, her head cradled in Melanie's lap. Melanie was casually playing with her sister's hair, parting the locks and brushing them back behind her ears.

She loved her sister's long hair, so wavy and lush. She could remember all the times she used to brush it, spending hours in the evening holed up in their room, away from all the problems of their young lives. A pang of guilt hit her heart, but she squashed it before it brought her down. She gazed again at her sister's beautiful face and supple curves. She thought that some girl some day would so lucky to have Madison as a girlfriend.

Madison had begun to develop her womanly figure at a fairly young age. She was in a training bra by eight and had thick pubic hair by 11. Melanie kept waiting for her own body to blossom, but it seemed to resist any hint of puberty. Now here at 15, she jealously noticed how effortlessly Madison attracted the attention of boys—and probably girls, too. Yet, Madison did nothing to kindle that attention. Melanie, still with a boyish figure, felt like she had to look and dress a certain way to get the same attention. However, that attention usually came from the bad boys. While there was a sense of excitement at being with them, she didn't really like they way they treated her. They made her feel...

She blushed and cringed at the word her aunt always used to describe her. Slut. It was the same word that Frank had used that night, and she hated it. Slut. Slut. Slut. She closed her eyes tight, but the images were burned into her very psyche. Madison being raped, then him coming for her, too. She had looked to Madison to help her, save her, like she always did, but she just lay there a broken shell, bleeding and crying. Melanie's heart began to race at the memory and she realized she was beginning to lose control.

"Are you OK, Melanie?" Maddie was looking up at her with concern. "You're trembling."

Melanie took a deep breath to regain her composure. She tried to shift directions.

"Maddie, can I ask you something?"

"Sure." Madison grabbed the remote and shut off the TV. She rolled onto her back and continued to look up at Melanie.

"Have ... have you ever been with a guy? You know, had sex with one? I mean, not Frank..." Her voice trailed off. Her question sounded stupid now. She didn't mean when they were raped. She meant another time, but it had come out wrong.

Madison was quiet for a moment before answering. "Just once. About three months after we moved here."

Melanie furrowed her brow. "Why did you do it? Especially if you only like girls."

"I don't know. I guess I thought if I tried it with a guy I might be 'cured' of being gay, like it was some disease or something. I'd never been with a guy by choice and I figured maybe I only thought I was gay because I didn't know what I was missing."

"And what did you think?"

"That I wasn't missing much." Madison bit her lip. "But that wasn't even the real reason. I thought that maybe, just maybe, it would erase the memories of ... of ... Frank."

"It doesn't work." Melanie said assuredly "I tried it, too, but I still have nightmares about that time. The thoughts don't go away."

The girls were quiet again.

Madison sighed, then broke the silence. "What do you remember about that night?" When Melanie didn't answer, Madison reached up and caressed her face. "You don't have to talk about it. I just thought..."

"No, it's OK. I'm just trying work it all out." She was quiet again, trying to sort out all her thoughts and feelings. "It's hard to remember clearly. I can only remember waking up to feel him groping me. He already had the tape on my mouth and I could hardly breath. When he turned me over and taped my arms and legs, I was so afraid he was going to kill me." Melanie shuddered. "And then he went over to your bed, and I couldn't do anything to warn you." Melanie couldn't bring herself to look into her sister's eyes. She was crying now, and she knew Madison was, too. "Sometimes I wish ... he would have..."

"What?"

"Killed me." Melanie choked back her sob.

"Don't say that, Mel. Don't you ever say that. I can't bear the thought that he might have taken you away from me."

Melanie was silent again, still avoiding Madison's gaze. When she spoke, it came tumbling out. "I wondered for a long time why you didn't help me after he was done with you. When he came for me I just looked at you to come save me, but you just laid there. I kept thinking, 'Get up. Get up, Maddie. Please help me. Please get up and stop him.' You didn't even look at me or anything. You just let him rape me. He just kept hurting me and I cried and cried and you just laid there. I wondered why you didn't care that he was hurting me. I was so angry at you. I felt like you betrayed me. I wondered why you didn't try to help me that night, Madison. I blamed you for letting me be raped. I blamed you. Not mom, not Frank. You." Melanie stopped, out of breath. She could hear Madison sucking in her breath, trying not to break down.

Madison voice squeaked as she tried to speak. "Melanie, I couldn't. I'm so sorry. I—"

"Wait, Maddie. You need to let me finish. Then he came back and did it again all those months later. And he went for you first, again, but this time he didn't tie me up. I didn't want him to hurt you, Maddie, even as mad as I was. I didn't want him to hurt you. But just seeing him come into our room made me freeze. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. I was so scared." Melanie let out a wracking sob. Tears dripped off her chin down onto her t shirt. Madison rolled over and buried her face in Melanie's stomach, reached an arm around her waist and held her tight. She felt Melanie's tears drip onto her cheek and roll down into her hair. "And I just let him take you, Maddie, when I could I have stopped him. I could have stopped him."

"No, Mel. No. You couldn't have stopped him, even if you weren't so scared. No, please don't blame yourself."

Melanie sniffed and wiped her face. "I guess what I'm saying is, that day, I knew in that moment that you would have helped me the first time if you could have. Only he'd broken you. And he'd broken me. I hate him, Maddie. And I hate myself for ever blaming you."

The two sisters just sat and cried. There was nothing more to say. For the first time, they had shared the horror of the experiences. They held each other and tried to erase the anguish, tried to ease the pain. After a time, the only sounds where their breathing and occasional sniffing. Madison hadn't moved, still had her head against Melanie's stomach, arm holding her tight. Melanie was gently caressing Madison's back.

Madison muffled voice drifted up to Melanie's ears. "And now I'm a dyke and you're a slut. Well, ain't we a pair?"

Melanie couldn't help but smile. Then she could feel a chuckle forming deep in her belly. Giggles escaped her lips, followed by a loud guffaw and she was soon carried away into hysterical laughter. Madison was right behind her. They laughed. That uncontrollable laughter that comes after humor breaks extreme tension. Just when they'd get composed, they'd lose it again.

"Oooh, Maddie, girl!" Melanie gasped, trying to regain her composure. Her sides and cheeks were aching. "Oh, my goodness. I haven't laughed like that in a long time."

"Me, neither."

"Maddie, OK. Since you effectively changed the topic, I need to ask you a question. You don't have to answer, but I wish you would." Melanie paused, now suddenly embarrassed. "What is it about girls that you like so much?"

Madison smiled up at her sheepishly. "Well ... I've always loved the way I feel when I'm around other girls. Not all girls, but some of them."

"Like who? Anybody in particular?" Melanie saw Madison blush. Melanie grinned. "OK. Time to tell. Who do you have the hots for?"

"No way. I'm not telling. Wild horses couldn't drag it out of me."

"No? I have ways of making you talk. Two words. Tickle torture. And you won't get off easy..."

Madison sighed. "OK. OK. No reason to get violent. I think ... Stephanie Morgan ... she's pretty..."

Melanie tried to picture the girl in her head, but was drawing a blank. "Who?"