Chapter 67

“ ... of what crime has she been accused? Could it have been treason? No, for this woman who will one day become a poor wretched widow...”

Judge Jack raised his head up and said, “Stop it! Right now! We’ve been here for two days and you’re still giving your opening remarks. Enough all ready!”

Liam pouted. He asked, “You don’t like my speech?”

“I really liked that bit about her being willing to climb the highest mountains in order to collect condor eggs to feed her innocent and starving babies,” Chom said.

“I didn’t like that bit about offering herself to a dragon as a virgin sacrifice to protect her helpless babies,” Pip said. “I don’t like dragons and it’s wrong to sacrifice virgins to them. There are a lot of better things you can do with virgins.”

Sean said, “I even thought he made her sound very motherly. I didn’t realize he was talking about my mother there for a while. I had no idea that she wept tears of grief every morning when I went off to school.”

“I don’t like that judge,” Lilly said sulking. “He said I could go to jail and then never sent me there.”

“For the thousandth time, no talking in the audience,” Judge Jack said.

“You’ve only said that four hundred and eighty-seven times,” the gnome said.

“Shut up,” Judge Jack said.

“That you’ve said over a thousand times,” the gnome said.

Judge Jack said, “You’ve got ten seconds to end your opening remarks.”

“The end,” Liam said. He sat down next to Sean’s mother and said, “We’ll win on the appeal.”

Judge Jack said, “Will the prosecutor call his first witness?”

“I’d like to call Chief Fastman to the stand,” the prosecutor said.

It only took ten minutes to swear in the chief. Liam objected to the proceedings twice. First he objected to the question and then he objected to the answer. He didn’t like the idea of only telling the truth since it made it much more difficult to catch the witness in a lie.

The prosecutor said, “Chief Fastman, you were at the high school on the morning of the incident, were you not?”

“I was,” Chief Fastman answered.

“Why were you there?” the prosecutor asked.

“I was investigating the theft of some scientific lobsters,” Chief Fastman answered.

Judge Jack leaned forward and asked, “Are you telling me that there been thefts of scientific lobsters at the high school?”

“Yes, Your Honor.”

“That’s terrible. My wife works at that school and never mentioned it to me. I better warn her. She stores the lobsters she buys for our romantic dinners in some lobster tank there. I’d hate to see them stolen,” Judge Jack said.

“Your wife works at the school?” Chief Fastman asked.

“She’s the janitor there. She works a couple hours there every afternoon,” Judge Jack answered.

Chief Fastman asked, “You said that she stores lobsters in a lobster tank there?”

“Yes. She buys a couple of lobsters on her way to work and stores them in a lobster tank there so they’ll be alive when she brings them home,” Judge Jack answered.

Sean stood up and shouted, “I want his wife arrested for the theft of my scientific lobsters.”

“Who are you?” Judge Jack asked.

“I’m Sean Connery Michaels ... also know as Agent double-o zero. I’m the owner of those scientific lobsters,” Sean said.

Chief Fastman said, “I can’t arrest her yet. I have to interview the suspect, acquire some evidence, and ... ah ... do some other stuff. Then I’ll arrest her.”

“You’d better,” Sean said.

Liam stood up and said, “Your judgeship, I’ll defend your wife for ten large sodas. Of course, you’ll also have to pay whatever fees are necessary to line up a couple dozen friendly witnesses. I’ve got to warn you, those fees can get pretty large. The poor wretched widow had to pay a fortune to come up with two friendly character witnesses.”

“That’s us, your honor,” Chom said waving at the judge.

“You’re hired,” Judge Jack said.

“I object,” the prosecutor said.

“Overruled,” Judge Jack said. “Continue your questioning of the witness.”

The prosecutor said, “Chief Fastman, tell us in your own words the events of that morning.”

“The defendant opened her shirt in front of me, several faculty members, and a student.”

Judge Jack said, “There was a student there?”

“Yes, Your Honor,” Chief Fastman answered.

“That would be me,” Sean said waving a hand to draw attention to himself.

Judge Jack said, “I assume you were there about your scientific lobsters.”

“That is correct,” Sean answered.

“I’m sure the prosecutor will be calling you to the stand later,” Judge Jack said.

“Really? He didn’t mention anything about that when he talked to me,” Sean said. “He just whimpered and left.”

“We’ll see,” Judge Jack said. “Continue your questions.”

“Were her breasts clearly visible to all in the room?” the prosecutor said.

“Yes. They were quite visible,” Chief Fastman said.

“And what did you do then?” the prosecutor asked.

“I arrested her,” Chief Fastman answered.