Chapter 65

The bailiff announced, “All rise for the honorable Judge Jack.”

Everyone in the court room rose to their feet. Judge Jack walked into the court room and paused to look around. He so enjoyed that moment of attention. It made those many minutes spent getting an on-line law degree worthwhile. He frowned when he spotted the top of someone’s head poking up above the defendant’s table. He said, “Would the person hiding under the table please stand?”

Liam walked around the table while looking under it. He turned to the Judge and said, “I don’t see anyone hiding under the table. Have you been drinking?”

“No. I have not been drinking,” Judge Jack said indignantly. “I should cite you for contempt of court for even suggesting such a thing.”

“You’re the one seeing things that aren’t there,” Liam said.

“I didn’t realize you were a dwarf,” Judge Jack said.

“I’m not a Dwarf, I’m a Leprechaun” Liam said indignantly. “I should cite you for contempt of court for even suggesting such a thing.”

“You can’t cite me for contempt of court,” Judge Jack said.

“Why not?” Liam asked.

“Because I’m the judge and that’s my job. I don’t know who you are.”

“I’m Liam.”

“Why are you here?” Judge Jack asked.

Liam adjusted his coat. He pulled out a handkerchief and theatrically dabbed his eyes with it. In a emotional voice, he answered, “I’m here defending this poor wretched widow. This unfortunate woman has ten children, all of whom are in diapers. You should see this poor wretched widow struggle to feed and clothe so many babies. Imagine the anguish of being surrounded day and night by ten babies crying to be fed. It is a sight that will break your heart. And what is her reward for her valiant struggles? Charges placed upon her by the evil Sheriff as part of a nefarious plot to force her to marry him.”

Chom said, “He’s good. Look at him. He’s going for the poor wretched widow defense.”

“It works every time,” Pip said.

Judge Jack looked at Sean’s mother and said, “I know the defendant. She has been in my courtroom before. She’s not a widow and only has two children.”

“She’ll be a poor wretched widow when her husband dies,” Liam said gravely.

Concerned, Judge Jack asked, “Is he ill?”

“No,” Liam answered.

“What about the eight extra children that don’t exist?” Judge Jack asked.

“There are plans for eight more children,” Liam said.

Pip shouted, “I volunteer to father two of them.”

“I’m first,” Chom said.

“See, your judgeship,” Liam said. “We’ve got volunteers.”

“At the moment, she’s not a widow and she’s only got two children,” Judge Jack said.

“Just look at her. Have you ever seen anyone look so miserable in your entire life?” Liam said.

He gestured theatrically at Sean’s mother. She was wearing a battered grey dress with a shawl draped around her shoulders. Black teardrops were drawn just below her eyes. She was bent over doing her best to look miserable.

Judge Jack said, “My daughter’s Halloween costume was better than that.”

Liam said, “You’ve got to admit, that’s pretty miserable looking.”

Nudging Pip in the side with an elbow, Chom said, “He’s really good. He knows better than to let the facts get in the way of a good defense.”

“Never stick to the facts. That’s a sure way to lose,” Pip said in agreement.

“You can say that again,” Chom said.

“Never stick to the facts. That’s a sure way to lose,” Pip said.

“I agree,” Chom said.

“Could we have quiet in the courtroom?” Judge Jack shouted.

“Only if you shut up,” Chom shouted back.

“Who said that?” Judge Jack asked while looking out across the courtroom to see who was talking.

“He did,” Pip answered.

“Come up here where I can see you,” Judge Jack said.

“Who? Him or me?” Chom asked.

“Both of you,” Judge Jack answered.

Chom and Pip pushed their way up to the front of the courtroom.

Rubbing his forehead, Judge Jack said, “I don’t believe it – two more Leprechauns.”

“I’m a Dwarf, not a Leprechaun” Chom said indignantly. “I should cite you for contempt of court for even suggesting such a thing.”

“Same here,” Pip said.

Chom looked over at Liam and said, “He can’t be much of a judge if he can’t tell the difference between a Dwarf and a Leprechaun.”

“It’s an easy win,” Liam said.

Judge Jack said, “What’s with the green coats?”

Chom said, “The defendant...”

“You’re supposed to call her the poor wretched widow,” Liam said interrupting him.

“Sorry, I forgot,” Chom said.