Chapter 58

Sean drove down the road to the mall feeling a little grumpy. His weekend was not going according to plan. Saturday night was supposed to have been date night, but the date had ended up being an inquisition filled with trick questions. He made a mental note never to bring up the idea of a harem ever again. Needless to say, there had been no sex. He had not slept well that night.

His mother had been in rare form earlier that morning. She had dragged him out of bed two hours before sunrise. He was not a morning person under the best of circumstances and the lack of sleep had made it even worse. His mother had noticed the tensions between Suzie and him. She had grilled him over breakfast trying to discover what he had done wrong. Like any woman she had naturally assumed it was the man’s fault and was determined to pry the information from him. After getting the truth from him, she had declared that it was his fault and that he should make amends.

On top of everything else that had gone wrong, he had stopped by the school to feed his lobsters only to discover that the habitat was empty. He had no idea how they could have managed to escape. He had spent an hour looking for the lobsters but there had been no trace of them anywhere in the school. He muttered, “Someone must have taken them. Lobsters just don’t walk off all by themselves.”

Sean headed towards the mall after deciding that his mother’s advice to purchase an apology present was probably a good idea. Unable to decide what would make an appropriate present, he said, “I guess I’ll just have to look around until something strikes me.”

Something odd grabbed his attention when he approached the mall. A sign which advertised that the mall was only five miles ahead had a rocket car stuck through it. Like any normal driver, he slowed down to investigate. He came to a stop in front of the sign and got out of the truck. Walking over to the rocket car, he recognized the rather massive man seated atop the rocket car. Sean said, “Hello Chief Fastman. How are you doing today?”

“It could be a little better,” Chief Fastman answered balancing precariously in his seat. He had managed to climb out of the driver’s seat and onto the body of the car. The car was at least ten feet off the ground. He didn’t think it would be too healthy for a person his size to fall that distance.

“I know the feeling,” Sean said. “I’m having one of those kinds of days myself.”

“It happens to the best of us,” Chief Fastman said.

“How does the car handle?”

“It is a little faster than I’m used to,” Chief Fastman answered. He looked down at the ground and said, “It tends to leave the ground when I hit a bump.”

“I tried to warn the Dwarves that might happen,” Sean said looking up at the policeman.

“It goes fast. I might even hazard a guess that it goes a little too fast,” Chief Fastman said. It seemed to him that it had two speeds — sitting still and airborne.

Sean asked, “How fast does it go?”

“I probably hit about five hundred miles per hour before launch. It is hard to tell since there isn’t really a speedometer in it,” Chief Fastman answered. There were some who believed that he had a reputation for exaggeration.

“That is fast,” Sean said.

Chief Fastman sat there for a few seconds and then said, “I think I’ll go back to riding the bike.”

“That might be a good idea,” Sean said. Chief Fastman had to have lost forty pounds while peddling the bicycle around the area. In a couple more years, there was a chance that he would actually be thin.

“It’ll be hard catching speeders. Of course, I haven’t had much luck catching speeders in this thing either,” Chief Fastman said.

“Why not?”

“I keep ending up in billboards,” Chief Fastman answered pointing to the front of the car.

“That would tend to put a damper on the old ticket writing routine,” Sean said trying to sound wise. He looked down the road and noticed that there were a couple of billboards with holes in them.

“Yeah. I see a speeder and get too excited. I just can’t help it; I floor it. The next thing I know is that I’ve passed the speeder and then I’m airborne,” Chief Fastman said.

“Zero to a hundred in four seconds?” Sean asked.

“It is closer to three,” Chief Fastman said.

“Three seconds?” Sean asked.

“No. Three hundred miles per hour,” Chief Fastman answered.

“That is fast,” Sean said. “Speaking from experience, I can say that the Dwarves do like fast cars.”

“Do you know what really makes me mad?” Chief Fastman asked.

“No.”

“I hate it when the speeder drives past while pointing and laughing at me when I’m stuck in the sign,” Chief Fastman said.

“I can imagine how it must make you feel,” Sean said.

“Yeah,” Chief Fastman said. He sat there looking down at Sean while Sean looked up at him. Neither one could think of much else to say. Finally, Chief Fastman asked, “You wouldn’t happen to be able to help me down from here?”

“Oh, sorry about that. I should have offered to help out,” Sean said. He looked down at his pants trying to remember where he had put his gloves. His pants were covered with pockets containing twelve pounds of miscellaneous items for use in emergencies like this. It was only the sixth pocket before he found a pair of gloves.

It took Sean a couple of minutes to get Chief Fastman off the car and the car lowered down to the ground. While walking around to inspect the car, Chief Fastman said, “You’re a handy person to have around.”

“Thank you,” Sean said. He used his magic to bring the gloves back. He tucked them into his back pocket.

Chief Fastman said, “I guess I better get back to patrolling the community. There are lots of crooks out there just begging to be caught.”

“I didn’t realize this was a hotbed of crime,” Sean said perking up. He figured this might be the start of his new career as a crime fighter.

“It is. There are speeders galore; not to mention folks that make turns without using their turn signals,” Chief Fastman said. He would complain, but it did represent job security.

“Sounds dangerous,” Sean said. There wasn’t anything here that required magic to set right.

“Very,” Chief Fastman said.

Sean watched Chief Fastman get into his missile shaped car. The wheels spun when the chief pressed the accelerator.

Sean got back into his truck and drove to the next billboard. Parking, he got out and walked over to the billboard.

Looking up, he said, “Hello Chief.”

“Hello, Sean. It has been a long time since I’ve seen you,” Chief Fastman said. He wasn’t very good at small talk.

“At least three minutes,” Sean said. “Do you need some help, Chief?”

“If you wouldn’t mind,” Chief Fastman answered. He looked through the window at the ground below. He wasn’t looking forward to trying to get out of the car.

“Just stay inside while I lower the car to the ground,” Sean said while rummaging through his pockets for his gloves. It took him a minute to remember that he had put them in his back pocket.

“I think I will,” Chief Fastman said. “If there’s ever anything I can do for you, let me know.”

“You could help me with a problem I’ve got with my lobsters,” Sean said while the gloves lowered the car to the ground.

“What kind of problem?” Chief Fastman asked. He climbed out of the car and pulled out his little notepad.

“I think someone is stealing my lobsters and replacing them with others,” Sean answered.

“That sounds like a serious crime,” Chief Fastman said. He was thoughtful for a moment and then asked, “Is there anything special about these lobsters of yours?”

“Yes,” Sean answered.

“What?”

“They are my science project,” Sean answered.

“Ah, scientific lobsters,” Chief Fastman said. “That makes it an even more serious matter.”

“That’s right,” Sean answered.

“At least they aren’t eating lobsters. That wouldn’t be such a serious matter at all,” Chief Fastman said. “I mean — what kind of a crime is it to eat food?”

“Uh, right,” Sean said.

With his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth, Chief Fastman made some notes in his little notepad. Looking up, he asked, “Where is this criminal activity taking place?”

“At the high school,” Sean answered.

“That’s out of my jurisdiction, but I’ll talk to my brother,” Chief Fastman said. He folded up his notepad and put it back in his pocket.

“I’d appreciate it,” Sean said.

Chief Fastman said, “I can’t make any promises. My brother isn’t as good of a criminal investigator as I am. I was the first of us to get a magnifying glass when we were kids.”