Chapter 41

Mr. Kindle paced in the front of the class waiting for the bell to ring. Once it rang, he said, “Would everyone who did the extra credit report please pass it up to the front of the room?”

No one moved except for Sean and Suzie. Sean held up his nicely bound sheaf of papers and said, “I did two reports!”

Mr. Kindle picked up Suzie’s report and glanced at it. It looked to be about five pages long. Based on the title he knew that it was about the Egyptian Campaign of Napoleon. It was a topic that he found particularly fascinating. He picked up Sean’s report and noticed that it was about thirty pages. Shaking his head, he said, “You two got perfect scores on the test. You didn’t need to do the report.”

“It was fun,” Sean said with a smile.

Taking the advice given to him by Mrs. Woodhill to use Sean’s more fanciful work as a launching point for teaching real history, Mr. Kindle opened the cover on Sean’s report. He read the title on the cover sheet aloud, “A Short Report On Napoleon by Sean Connery Michaels (aka Agent Double-o Zero).”

“Wasn’t that a great cover page?” Sean asked.

Mr. Kindle flipped to the next page and read, “A Short Report On Napoleon.”

“I put the title at the top of the page, just like you asked us to do,” Sean said.

“Napoleon was short [see references 1-100].”

“A masterpiece,” Sean said sitting back in his chair with his hands folded across his stomach in satisfaction.

“A little short, but I’ll give you full credit for it,” Mr. Kindle said. After all, he had asked for a short report on Napoleon.

“Thank you. I’m glad I didn’t need the second report. It wasn’t exactly on topic,” Sean said.

Mr. Kindle flipped through the reference section and came upon a second report. He read the title aloud, “The Neapolitan Wars by Sean Connery Michaels (aka Agent Double-o Zero).”

“I just love that cover page,” Sean said smiling up at Mr. Kindle. He leaned over to Suzie and said, “I get to put my name on it.”

“I think you mean the Napoleonic Wars,” Mr. Kindle said. He had experience with spell checkers making that substitution for him in the past.

Sean squirmed a little and then said, “This report wasn’t exactly on topic.”

“This ought to be good,” Mr. Kindle said rolling his eyes.

“However, Napoleon does show up in it,” Sean said.

Mr. Kindle flipped to the next page and read, “The Neapolitan Wars.”

“You’ll notice that I put the title at the top of the page. There are even page numbers at the bottom of the page just like you told us to do,” Sean said.

“In the beginning there were two flavors of ice cream: vanilla and chocolate,” Mr. Kindle read. The entire room started giggling. He said, “I think I’m starting to get the flavor of your report.”

“Just read on. It is a masterpiece,” Sean said.

“With such a limited selection countries aligned themselves with their favorite flavors. The British in their normally bland manner selected Vanilla. Also known for their blandness, the Swedes and Scandinavians chose Vanilla as well. Of course, the Belgians and the Swiss chose Chocolate. As each country went about choosing their flavor, those that had chosen watched them with interest since ice cream was going to be the basis for establishing alliances and trade agreements,” Mr. Kindle said. He shook his head and said, “I don’t think it was that way.”

“The best part is coming,” Sean said nodding his head. He added, “There’s a footnote. You’ve got to read the footnote.”

“It must be understood that ice cream was available only to the very rich because it had a tendency to melt and the poor couldn’t afford ice. As a result, only wealthy people were concerned with the national flavor of ice cream.”

“Interesting insight to the times,” Mr. Kindle said looking over the page at Sean.

“That’s me — Mr. Insightful,” Sean said with a happy smile.

“The world watched as the Austrians argued the issue. Much to everyone’s surprise, the Austrians choose to invent strawberry ice cream,” Mr. Kindle read aloud. The whole class laughed. He looked at Sean and asked, “The Austrians invented strawberry ice cream?”

“Read on, Napoleon is coming up,” Sean said. He leaned over to Suzie and said, “The political intrigue will just suck you in.”

“I’m sure,” Suzie said with a laugh.

“The whole of Europe watched and waited to see what Napoleon would do,” Mr. Kindle said.

“See, I told you Napoleon would be in it,” Sean said.

“Now it is a well known fact that Napoleon was short [see reference 1].”

Sean said, “I referenced the first paper in which I thoroughly covered that topic.”

“I noticed,” Mr. Kindle said wryly. He read on, “Being short, Napoleon had a Napoleonic complex. That just means he thought he was actually tall despite being short. It is mental disorder common amongst short people, magical creatures excluded.”

Sean leaned over to Suzie and said, “I didn’t want the Dwarves to think I was insulting them.”

“Of course,” Suzie said.

“The upshot of the mental disorder was that it made Napoleon surly,” Mr. Kindle said. He looked over at Sean and asked, “Surly?”

“Yes. It also made his stomach itch as illustrated in all of the pictures of him, but I didn’t include that in the report,” Sean said.

Suzie said, “You should have included it as a footnote.”

“I didn’t even think of that. I did include footnotes though,” Sean said.

“Good. You can’t have enough footnotes,” Suzie said.

“I agree,” Sean said.

Mr. Kindle cleared his throat and said, “Being of a rather cantankerous nature, Napoleon did the unexpected. He packaged all three flavors together and named it after himself. It came to be known as, “Neapolitan Ice Cream, ‘ as a result of a typo by some idiot typesetter.”

“That’s the Napoleon connection,” Sean said. He leaned over to Suzie and said, “I hope he reads the footnote.”

“There’s a footnote here. Let me read it,” Mr. Kindle said. “As a side note, Napoleon went to Egypt to civilize the natives. After all of his ice cream melted in the heat, he realized it was a lost cause since you can’t have civilization without ice cream. He shot the nose off the sphinx, spent the night in the great pyramid, stole the Rosetta stone, and then went home declaring victory after losing most of his army.”

Smiling, Mr. Kindle looked over at Sean and said, “That is the most succinct explanation of Napoleon’s Egyptian Campaign that I’ve ever read.”

Nodding his head, Sean said, “I thought you would like it.”

“It is probably as accurate as Napoleon’s version of events. It took me about five pages to cover that whole campaign, but it did boil down to that,” Suzie said.

“You’re right,” Mr. Kindle said. He looked down at the paper and said, “Where was I? Ah! All of Europe took offense to their flavor of ice cream being in such close proximity to the other flavors and a great war took place called the Napoleonic Wars.”

“There’s another footnote,” Sean said.

“Ah yes,” Mr. Kindle said. He read, “Napoleon invented canning so that he could carry food with his army. Unfortunately, his experiments with canning ice cream were a failure. The outcome of the Napoleonic Wars might have been very different if he had been successful in that endeavor.”

“Napoleon invented cans?” Sid asked skeptically.

“Yes in a way he did,” Mr. Kindle said. “Napoleon was responsible for a number of inventions and construction projects. He ran a contest to find a way to preserve food and canning was the result. His army invented the ambulance service. He paid for the invention of the submarine. He had the Paris sewer system revamped to improve hygiene inside the city. The Rosetta stone allowed linguists to decipher Egyptian writing. He has even been credited with proving a mathematical theorem that bears his name.”

“He did?” Susan asked.

Sean said, “A lot of people doubt that he really did it.”

Holding out the paper, Mr. Kindle said, “After stomping on most of Europe, Napoleon marched to Russia thinking that the Russians would like his ice cream. He thought that he wouldn’t have any problems civilizing them because it was cold there and the ice cream wouldn’t melt.”

Sean said, “Footnote. Read the footnote.”

Mr. Kindle looked down at the bottom of the page. He read, “If Napoleon’s experiments in canning ice cream hadn’t failed, then all of history would have changed. He didn’t go to Russia until the winter so that the ice cream wouldn’t melt on the way there. That was a big mistake as will be discussed later.”

“It is little things like that which determine the course of history,” Sean said.

Mr. Kindle read, “Rather than be forced to eat ice cream during the winter time, the Russians fled Moscow after burning it to the ground. They figured that he could just freeze there with his ice cream. Disappointed that no one wanted his ice cream, Napoleon returned to France. He lost a lot of troops along the way because eating ice cream in cold weather is a good way to freeze to death.”

“There’s another footnote,” Sean said raising his hand.

“The weir... “ Tom started to say. He was cut off when a balled up piece of paper flew in his mouth. He stared at his notebook daring it to try that while he was looking.

“I almost missed that,” Mr. Kindle said. He looked down at the bottom of the page and read, “Napoleon probably should have told the Russians that he was serving cake with the ice cream. They might have stayed around if he had. In the author’s opinion, Marie Antoinette’s unfortunate suggestion about eating cake followed by getting her head chopped off probably lead to Napoleon to believe that it would be a social blunder of the worst kind.”

Mr. Kindle said, “I’ve read a lot of history books about the Russian campaign and not one of them suggested that Napoleon should have offered to serve cake.”

“Sometimes it is easy to miss the obvious,” Sean said.

“Obviously,” Suzie said with a laugh.

“Sean does have the essence correct here. Napoleon did march on Russia and the Tsar did burn down Moscow to prevent Napoleon from establishing a foothold in Russia. With an extended supply chain, Napoleon was forced to retreat. The majority of his soldiers froze to death on the march back to France as a result of the Russian winter,” Mr. Kindle said.

Holding up the paper, Mr. Kindle read, “The upshot of all of those wars was that national identity with flavors of ice cream was destroyed. They chose to rally around flags instead since they didn’t melt. Napoleon’s creation of Neapolitan Ice Cream had eroded the flavor loyalty among the royalty. The history of the Napoleonic War and the Neapolitan War diverged at this time.

“The Neapolitan war transitioned from a war among nations to a war among neighbors as ice cream slowly made its way into the homes of regular people. The transition started as an underground movement in which ice cream was served at fairs and carnivals by the spoonful.”

“It is like a guerilla war. You could be a vanilla lover surrounded by chocolate lovers and never know it,” Sean said.

“A frightening prospect,” Suzie said laughing.

Mr. Kindle exhaled loudly wondering where Sean was going to take his story next. He read, “It wasn’t long before ice cream moved out from the seedy fairs and onto Main Street in the form of ice cream parlors. At first, ice cream parlors only served the national flavor to the wealthy. With improving economic conditions, more people were able to afford the delectable treat. However, the average person had not developed a national loyalty to a single flavor. They demanded more flavors. Soon, ice cream parlors started carrying all three flavors as well as the Neapolitan variant.”

“No longer could a neighborhood ice cream parlor survive by making the national flavor for the wealthy. They had to make many flavors and serve the masses. Some places even invented their own flavors. They tried weird flavors like mint, peach, and pistachio. It was chaos plain and simple. People had to eat hundreds of different flavors before they could claim to have a favorite,” Mr. Kindle said. He said, “There’s another footnote here.”