Chapter 6

First Night — Anna

He reaches in the bowl and I get a fake déjà vu sensation. It's nowhere near as slow and sensual as dream-Kevin Spacey reaching through the rose petals covered water, but I have the sensation that he's going to reach all the way through the bowl and through my clothes and touch me there.

"Uh-huh," I agree.

Jackie Chan is a good idea right now. Lots of funny violence, and no kisses. Ever.

I can't stop thinking about what I heard earlier. I'm still a little bit wet, and my heart's skipping a beat when I imagine my dad on top, shoving his ... wait! On top of ... whom?

The desire to feel a heavy virile body on top of me runs through me like wildfire. I'm not even trying to block the possibility of the said body to be my father's.

"Dad?" I start hesitantly, unsure how to phrase my curiosity. "What do boys feel when they want to have sex?" I whisper.

I know what I feel. Hope he's not going to ask me that. I just wanna know if I was mean with Mark to get him all worked up and not have sex with him. It just didn't feel right. He didn't care enough about me. I didn't want him enough. I don't know why, but it just wasn't right.

- James

She agrees to the movie but she seems distracted. I pop the tape in and we watch for a bit. Suddenly she speaks up. "Dad? What do boys feel when they want to have sex?" The question comes out in a low voice that I can barely hear over the TV.

I tense up a little bit and look over to Anna. She looks nervous. I exhale a bit and try to collect my thoughts. She's growing up so fast. It is only fair to let her know as much as I can. I wonder if this has something to do with the breakup with Mark. I try to force the image of her in the bathtub naked and touching herself out of my mind and answer her question like a father should.

"Mmm, how do boys feel? Well, it's like a pressure and a nervous excitement all at the same time. Your body feels all tense and ... electric. You are more sensitive to touch and sounds are a bit louder and lights are brighter. You can feel your heart thumping like crazy in your chest and you're just full of energy. Ummm... ," I feel my mouth get dryer but I push on. I am only occasionally looking over to try for a bit of eye contact but most of the time I'm talking forward to the TV. "You know, I'm sure, that a boy will get an ... an erection. And that feels very good to him. And he will want to be touched ... there and he will want to touch the girl also; all over. Plus there's the kissing of course."

I feel like I'm blowing it, both getting into too much detail and stammering too much. I should be more matter of fact and descriptive without getting too explicit. Then something strikes me.

"But don't let any boy tell you that he just can't help it. Or that he has to have sex or he'll be hurt ... physically that is. Besides a guy can just ... masturbate. So if Mark was telling you that he HAD to have sex with you, then he was lying."

- Anna

I expected him to give me a half-assed answer, or just brush off my question. He doesn't though. The way he talks it is not like what you'd hear in Sex Ed. I realize he describes what he feels when he's aroused. Makes me wonder more about him and less about silly, uninteresting boys. At the word "erection" I shiver. It's not dirty talk, but it brought into my mind the image of his cock. I imagine it big and hard and standing up proudly. When he says that a boy would like a girl to touch him there, my fingers twitch. I imagine wrapping them around his hardened flesh.