Chapter 16: Thanksgiving Afternoon

I was sitting and thinking about nothing. “Nothing” seemed like a safe topic to think about. The aunts had gone into the living room to watch the rest of the football game. It seemed like an amazingly normal thing to do. I wasn’t ready for normal yet so I stayed in the hallway, sitting and thinking about nothing.

To be honest, I was only trying to think about nothing. I wasn’t really succeeding. The problem being that I was angry. I was so very angry that it frightened me. Maybe angry is too soft a word for what I was feeling. It was rage. Bec was gone and there was only rage. It was like there was some other girl sitting in the hallway. She was filled with so much rage that her body shook with the strain of holding it all within the confines of her skin. Maybe I should give that girl a name because it wasn’t me. I think I’ll call her B. She was sitting in a little ball with her knees pulled in tightly to her chest and her arms clenched tightly against her legs. She was so full of rage that she was shaking – that little girl called B.

B desperately wanted to hurt somebody. Not just anybody but a particular somebody. I’ve never met him and I’m not likely to. I don’t even know what he looks like – except that he’s old. He lives on the other side of the world and he probably doesn’t even know I exist. But B wanted to stand over him and watch him writhing on the floor in pain and fear. She wanted there to be blood. B wanted to have her hands dripping with his blood while she screamed her rage at him.

B terrifies me. I’m not like that. I’m a little girl. I’m thirteen years and four days old. I’m nice. I like to wear ribbons in my hair and skip down the pavement. I like to hold hands with my friends and giggle about kissing boys. I’m not violent. I don’t want to hurt people. I don’t understand how I can be me and still have that other scary girl inside me – that angry little girl called B.

B’s anger burned inside me like a fire. I don’t know why my clothes didn’t burst into flame from being so close to so much heat. That’s why I was trying to think about nothing. Every other topic that came into my head made B’s rage burn even brighter.

“Hey!”

My thoughts were interrupted by Mira. B had no opinion about Mira and pulled away. She withdrew inside of me – hiding inside my skin. I pushed B further away – trying to drive her completely out of me but she wouldn’t go. In the end B lodged herself in my stomach. My stomach rebelled against the invader and tied itself into knots trying to get rid of her.

I sat there and looked up at Mira. What was I supposed to do now? Should I act like everything was normal? How could I possibly do that? There have been times when I’ve pretended to be Little Miss Normal. Maybe I could do that.

Mira slid herself down the opposite wall and sat against it with her legs sticking out so that her feet were next to my hip and we were facing each other.

“They were talking recipes and shit in the kitchen. I couldn’t stand it any more so I figured I’d come talk to you,” she said.

I tried to speak two times before anything sensible came out of my mouth.

“I thought you were in Tara’s room with Tara and Leroy,” I said. My voice was a bit whispery but it was loud enough for her to hear.

“I had to get outa there. The dork keeps trying to flirt with your sister. It’s embarrassing. And your sister kept stringing him along. I dunno why she didn’t shut him down.”

“Why should she do that?” I said. “She likes it when boys flirt with her. It makes her feel good.”

Mira stared at me as she tried to process what I’d said.

“I guess I get that. But it has to be real guys, you know? That shit-head would make any normal girl run away screaming.”

I blinked at her a couple of times. I didn’t understand why she talked about her brother like that. Little Miss Normal would probably say something about it but I had no idea what. In the end, I felt like I had to say something.

“I don’t understand why you do that,” I said.

“Do what?”

“Talk about your brother that way. I never hear you say anything good about him.”

“There’s nothing good to say. He’s a total jerk. ‘Sides, he gives me shit all the time.”

“Have you asked him to stop?” I asked.

“Sure. I tell him to fuck off every time he tries. He never stops, though.”

I blinked at her a couple of times. I was trying to figure out if she seriously thought that would work.

“If he told you to fuck off every time, would that stop you from saying stuff to him?”

“Shit, no.”

I don’t normally use those sorts of words but that doesn’t mean I don’t know them. I even use them sometimes. B wanted me to use them at Mira. She wanted me to scream them at her. She wanted me to scream, not one at a time, but whole sentences made of those words. People who treat their family like that don’t deserve anything else. That’s what B was thinking. I wasn’t sure that she was wrong.

I managed to stop B from taking over but the effort left me trembling. I tried frantically to think of something to say – something more like what Little Miss Normal would say.

“If you really want him to stop, isn’t it time you tried something different?” I asked.

She snorted and then looked at me suspiciously.

“Like what?”

“Do you really want him to stop?”

“I guess.”

“You could try being nice to him,” I said with a smile. The smile came from remembering when I’d tried being nice to Laura DiMartino.

She stared at me for a moment.

“You could try calling him by his name instead of all those words you use,” I suggested.

She screwed up her face as if that idea left a bad taste in her mouth.

“I saw you sitting here with your brother, before,” said Mira. “The two of you together – being all cute and shit. Me and Leroy ain’t like that. We can’t stand each other. We fight all the time. That’s the way it is. It ain’t ever gonna change.”

“It won’t change if you keep doing what you have been doing,” I pointed out.

She stared at me. Her brain was ticking over behind her eyes.

“Don’t you want it to change?” I asked her. “Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to sit and talk without making each other feel bad? Don’t you want to be able to go to him when you’re upset and let him hold you until you feel better? Wouldn’t that be nice?”

“I don’t need...”

“Bullshit.” I cut her off before she could say it. “Don’t lie.”

See? I can use those sorts of words.

“You’re full of shit,” she snapped back at me. “You and Tara fight. I know that for a fact.”

I stared at her for a moment and then gave a little nod.

“Sometimes we fight, but not always. Sometimes we’re nice to each other. Sometimes we just leave each other alone. Today, outside, Tara defended me in front of all of you. How long is it since you’ve said something nice about Leroy in public? How long is it since you’ve defended him? Do you two even know how to sit in the same room together and leave each other alone?”

“You should be saying all this to him. He’s the one what gives me shit all the time. He starts it. I’m only giving it back to him.”

“So that’s your argument?” I said. “It’s okay for you to do it because he started it? It’s okay to be miserable and angry because he started it? You can’t possibly try to fix anything because he started it? How old are you? We don’t let Angie get away with that excuse and she’s three.”

She was staring at me with a very weird expression on her face.

“When did you get like this?” she said. “You didn’t used to talk like this. You used to be this little mouse that sat in the corner and hardly even squeaked. I’d say all kinds of shit to you and you wouldn’t even blink. You’d sit there and stare at me and never say a word. It was freaky.”

“I was always trying to work out why you were saying that stuff. It never made sense to me. It never occurred to me that you were only trying to get a reaction from me. But don’t change the subject. What are you going to do about your brother? Or are you so happy being an emo that you want him to keep making you miserable? Do you want him to keep treating you badly because that gives you an excuse to behave the way you do? Is that it?”

“You turned into a little shit. You know that?”

“Maybe I just got angry.”

I stared at her.

“Nothing lasts forever,” I told her. “People change. I’ve changed. Maybe it’s time for you to change – especially change the way you treat your brother.”

“Are you going to have a go at him too?” she asked.

“Why should I? He’s not the one who sat down to talk to me and took every chance to put down his twin. The way you treat him is vile. You’re the only one who can change that. Maybe if you can learn to like him, you won’t hate yourself so much.”

“I don’t...”

“Bullshit!” I cut her off again. “Why else do you keep jamming bits of metal into your face?”

The muscles in her face worked as she clenched and unclenched her jaw.

“At dinner, Sam said you weren’t pissed at the sh ... at Leroy. Is this how he knew? Because when you’re pissed at someone you get stuck into them?”

“Maybe. Stop trying to change the subject. What are you going to do about your brother?”

“Will you talk to him?” she asked.

“He’s your brother. You talk to him.”

“I wouldn’t know where to start.”

“Try starting with something you admire about him.”

“There’s nothing...”

“Bullshit!”

Her mouth opened and closed like a fish.

“Okay, try it with me. Tell me something you admire about Leroy. If you really want to make things better, this is how to start.”

I’d got through to her now. If looks could kill I would have shrivelled up on the spot. She’s three years older than me and she hated that a young punk like me had talked to her like that. But she couldn’t dodge the fact that I was right and she knew it.

I sat there and let her work things out in her head. I hadn’t planned to say all that. I hadn’t thought about it. I reacted to what she was saying and said what came into my head. I guess I really had gotten pissed at Mira for the way she talked. But also, B hadn’t gone away as much as I would have liked. B couldn’t get at the one she most wanted to hurt so she lashed out at the nearest person. I guess I should be grateful that B didn’t take over totally and scream complete filth at Mira.

“Come on, Mira. It shouldn’t be that hard. You’re not stupid. Tell me one thing you admire about your brother.”

At that moment a door opened. I ground my teeth in frustration at the interruption. It was Tara coming out of her room. She saw us sitting on the floor and then turned and walked the other way without making any comment. A moment later Leroy followed her out and hesitated when he saw us sitting there. He looked frustrated and annoyed. I decided to try getting the two twins talking to each other.

“Hey Leroy!” I called out and patted the floor next to me to tell him to join us.

Once again he hesitated, then he came over to join us. He didn’t sit where I patted. He sat facing me only the other side of me from Mira. I had the two twins sitting side by side except there was a noticeable gap – and my legs – between them. I guess that way they didn’t have to look at each other.

“Did you know your sister’s a bitch?” asked Leroy with a bit of a snarl.

“Why?” I asked. “Because she didn’t fall for your pickup lines? That doesn’t make her a bitch.”

Okay, maybe sometimes she’s a bitch, but I wasn’t going to admit that to Leroy.

“Why are you defending her? She was dissing you in there,” said Leroy.

“So what? Does that make it okay for me to dis her? I don’t bag people behind their backs. I don’t think much of people who do. Don’t talk about my sister like that.”

I don’t think Leroy was expecting me to snap at him. I saw Mira trying to hide a smirk now that I was having a go at her twin instead of her.

“What was she saying about me?” I asked.

“She said you have a screw loose. She said that you’re a complete mental case.”

I felt a ripple of anger rush through me. I squashed that reaction down into my gut where nobody could see it. Except for B that is. B gobbled it up and used it to feed her rage.

I snorted. “Is that all? I don’t think that counts since it’s more or less true.”

That wiped the smiles off their faces.

“What?” I said. “Didn’t Uncle Stan tell you? He knows all about it. I had a total meltdown last time he was here. It was all very public and embarrassing. I’m completely looney-tunes.”

I smiled calmly at them. Saying it like that got their attention in a big way. Is it weird that sometimes I can actually laugh about that stuff? I know I’m not completely crazy but I’d be silly to deny that I can have my moments.

In the meantime, my sneaky brain had come up with a plan.

“Leroy, right now I want you to be quiet. Mira and I were in the middle of a conversation before you arrived and I want to finish it.”

Mira was secretly shaking her head at me. I ignored her.

“Mira, you were about to tell me something. What did you want to say to me?”

Mira was glaring at me like she wanted to stomp me into the ground. I raised an eyebrow at her. I’d left it wide open. If she wanted to chicken out and talk about something else she could. I’d given her an opening but it was totally up to her.

I watched as Mira chewed her lip and tried to decide what to do.

“Um ... he ... he’s getting pretty good on the guitar. I don’t really like most of what he plays but he’s been practicing a lot and now he plays pretty good.”

“Okay!” I said with a smile. “You don’t like most of what he plays. Is there something he plays that you do like?”

“Um ... yeah ... he ... I like it when he plays that old Metallica song ... um.”

She turned and looked at her brother who’d finally started to figure out that we were talking about him.

“Hey! What’s that Metallica song you’ve been playing? I forgot what it’s called.”

She started singing without words. It only took Leroy about five or six notes to recognize the tune.

“Unforgiven? You like Unforgiven?” asked Leroy with a really surprised expression on his face.

“Yeah!” She turned back to look at me. “I like Unforgiven.”

“You like it when Leroy plays Unforgiven?” I corrected her as gently as I could.

“Yeah!” she said softly. “I like the song and Leroy plays it good.”

“I didn’t even know you listen when I play,” said Leroy. He sounded a bit stunned.

“Like I get a choice,” snapped Mira. “You practice ALL the time.”

“What about that band he plays with. Are they any good?”

“They’re a bunch of...”

She cut off because I pinched her leg. She gritted her teeth and then tried again.

“They’re none of them in the popular crowd, if you know what I mean.”

“Hold on,” said Leroy. “What’s happening?”

I ignored Leroy and kept talking to Mira.

“So you’re saying they’re kind of loners at school? They don’t have a lot of friends?”

“Yeah!”

“What are youse up to?” asked Leroy. He was starting to look very suspicious.

I kept talking to Mira.

“But instead of sitting around and being miserable, they got together and formed a band?”

Mira was just about to automatically agree with me but then she cut herself off. She looked at me with a really thoughtful expression on her face.

“Yeah!” she whispered.

“What’s going on?” asked Leroy. “Are ya setting me up?”

He scrambled to his feet.

“I ain’t gonna sit here while y’all mess with me.”

We both watched as he walked away from us and went into the living room.

I shrugged at Mira. She was scowling at me.

“Well that was a total loss,” she said. “I knew you were full of shit. That was never gonna work.”

“You’re wrong, you know. It wasn’t a total loss. I thought it went pretty well. You didn’t see his face when you talked about liking his music.”

“Yeah, but he walked off.”

“What did you expect? Did you think a two minute talk would solve everything? Did you think we’d end up having a big group hug and everyone would live happily ever after? This isn’t a Disney film, you know. This is real life. Happy endings never happen.”

I realized that maybe I was being too snarky. That last bit sounded a bit too much like B talking. I got myself under control and tried again.

“Things can be better. It’s up to you. Don’t give up because he doesn’t magically change the first time you try, or the second, or the tenth. Keep trying and things will change.”

She snorted and stood herself up.

“Mira! If you want things to change...”

“Yeah! I know. But it stinks. And you really are a mental case. I don’t know anyone who’d try to pull that shit with the two of us.”

“You can call me Little Miss Hand Grenade.”

“Wha... ?”

“I’m Little Miss Hand Grenade. Drop me down in the middle of your family and pull the pin.”

I spread my hands like a bomb going off.

“Kaboom!”

She shook her head at me.

“I liked you better when you were the mouse.”

Mira turned and walked away towards the kitchen.

“I liked me better when I was the mouse, too,” I said quietly to myself.

I guess if I’m to be completely honest, I don’t think I was ever a mouse. Whenever Mum draws me as an animal, she always does me as a cat. Not the kind of cat that sits on a fence and howls but the kind of cat that sits under the table and watches everything. I think Mum pretty well gets that right. I figure I’ve always been more of a quiet sort of cat than a mouse.

I decided this cat needed to be around people a bit more. I stood up and stretched and then slunk over to the entrance to the living room. I leaned against the doorpost so that only my head was in the room and looked around. The game was still on. Tara was sitting on Dan’s lap, lying back against him and watching the game. Dan’s arms were looped around her waist. They looked very comfortable like that. I felt a bit jealous that Tara was in Dan’s lap instead of me. Sam still sat on the sofa next to Dan. Dad was still sitting in his chair and Uncle Stan was still on the other easy chair. The two aunts were sitting on folding chairs so they could watch the game and Leroy had claimed my favorite spot by sitting on the coffee table under Mum’s painting.

I sidled over to Dad’s chair and sat on the arm. Dad’s eyes were closed and he was breathing in that steady regular sort of way. I leaned down and kissed his temple.

“Thank you for keeping me safe last night, Daddy,” I whispered. “I love you.”

Dad’s eyes flickered and half opened.

“Hello, sweetheart,” he whispered. “It’s my job to keep you safe.”

I did a kind of gentle scowl at him.

“I thought you were sleeping,” I said.

“And I thought you were mad at me for embarrassing you.”

“Geez, Dad. That was nearly an hour ago. I’ve been over that for ages. Get with the program.”

Dad did a quiet wheezing sort of chuckle. He lifted up his hand and captured one of mine in it.

“I’m sorry, honey. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up. Maybe I should make you a little LED screen to wear on your shirt that will tell me what mood you’re in.”

I rolled my eyes at him.

“Daddy, don’t be silly. I already have one of those. It’s called a face. See! When I do this...”

I put on a really exaggerated smile, “it means I’m happy and when I do this...”

I put on a really big frown, “it means I’m sad. It’s not that complicated.”

“Yes, honey, but when I’m asleep I can’t see your face.”

Faced with that sort of logic I figured I might as well give up – except there was one more thing I wanted to do.

I lifted up the hand that Dad was holding and kissed Dad’s hand once it came within reach.

“And when I do this...” I kissed Dad’s hand again, “it means I love you.”

Dad had a gentle smile on his face. He was still watching me through half-closed eyes.

“You should go back to sleep,” I told him.

“How could I sleep? The game is exciting. Besides, my daughter is kissing my hand and telling me she’s not mad at me any more. Who’d want to sleep through that?”

“Well, if this is keeping you awake...” I lifted up Dad’s hand and kissed it again.

“Maybe I should stop doing it.” I kissed it a couple more times, just to be sure.

Dad did a really exaggerated smile. Then he dragged my captured hand over to his mouth and kissed my hand. That made me feel warm inside. I’d given Dad a code he could use without having to say the actual words and he used it straight away. When Dad let my hand go, I slid down to sit on the floor in front of the chair and hugged Dad’s leg. I rested my head on his knee and sighed. I knew Dad could cope with this level of hugging because he’d said he could in his diary. I decided I should do this more often. It isn’t as satisfying as sitting on his lap and cuddling into his chest would be but if this is all I can get then I’ll take it.