Chapter 15: After Dinner

I let my brain run and stepped back to see where it would go. It was a bit like riding a bicycle down a hill and taking your hands off the handle bars. Then the bicycle keeps rolling down the hill and you feel as if without being guided it should go in weird directions or fall over but it doesn’t – it mostly goes straight. But it goes faster and faster until the wind is racing past your face and blowing your hair out straight behind you. But the bike doesn’t go perfectly straight. Gradually it veers off to one side or the other so you have to grab the handle bars again and steer because otherwise you would smash straight into a brick wall or a parked car or something. But for a while you feel wild and free and you squeal out loud at the total joy of it all. Well, maybe you don’t squeal, Doctor K, because you’re all manly and old and stuff but I hope you know what I mean.

So anyway, letting my brain run free was like that. I expected it to veer off in weird directions but mostly it didn’t. Mostly it went straight down the hill – zooming faster and faster as it went through everything I’d learned about Dad and Aunty Penny and the things that I knew happened to them and the things I only guessed about. In the end my brain did veer off course and I found myself racing straight at a huge wall, covered with an enormous version of the Angie painting I wanted to paint. That was when I grabbed the handle bars again because I knew if I crashed into that wall then I wouldn’t be able to think of much else for a while.

The crowd all cheered and yelled when I avoided running into the wall. I wondered if I was supposed to bow or something. I steered my brain into a cul-de-sac and let it rest for a moment.

I felt a kiss on my forehead. It was Dan.

“Buzz buzz buzz,” whispered Dan.

“Huh?” I whispered back.

“I can hear that busy brain of yours buzzing away.”

“I’m watching football.”

“No you aren’t. Your head isn’t even facing the TV.”

“Oh!”

I licked my lips and tried again.

“I’m listening to the football so I can watch it when it gets interesting.”

“Uh huh. You’re listening are you? We scored a spectacular touchdown a moment ago and you didn’t even stir.”

“Did we?”

I twisted on Dan’s lap and peered at the TV. They were showing the kicking team running out for the restart. I’d even missed the replays. I slumped back against Dan and put my head back against his chest.

“That’s good,” I said, without any excitement.

Dan had a bottle of beer in his hand. I didn’t notice him getting that. Dad, or someone, must have given it to him. He certainly didn’t stand up to get it because I’d been on his lap the entire time. Dan lifted the bottle up and beyond my field of view. I heard a little gurgle from the bottle and the slurp as he took a mouthful and then I heard the sounds of him swallowing echo through his chest.

He kissed my forehead again.

“Can you move your elbow, princess. It’s digging into my stomach and I had way too much to eat.”

“Sorry.” I wriggled around and rearranged myself on his lap. “Is that better?”

Dan’s only answer was to pat my back so I took that as a “yes.” Then he started rubbing his hand up and down my spine.

In my shifting around, one of my feet had landed on Sam’s leg. I tried to move it off him but Sam captured it and held it in place. I looked over at Sam. He smiled at me and rubbed my ankle. Then he looked back at the TV and watched the football with his hand resting on my ankle. The gentle contact made me smile – well, maybe I was already smiling because of Dan rubbing my back but Sam being so nice made me smile more. I can remember times when Sam was an annoying little brat but it seems like this year he’s been nothing but nice to me. Maybe he’s grown up a bit. That’s a good thing. I like him much better this way.

My eyes had trouble staying open. I think all that food was making me sleepy and I was so comfortable and Dan was rubbing my back and everything.

A bit later I felt Dan push the hair away from my face. I realized that he’d stopped rubbing my back and I bleated in protest.

“Hey, princess. Are you awake?” he whispered into my ear.

“Kind of.”

“I called Pearl earlier. Do you remember what we talked about yesterday?”

I had to think for a bit before I remembered.

“You mean about whether or not Pearl is your girlfriend?”

Was that only yesterday?

“Yeah! I’ve been thinking about what you said. So I called her.”

“Good.”

“She’s at home with her family. She invited me over there this afternoon. I’m going to go a bit later.”

I squirmed around and sat up so that I could look him in the face. I ended up sitting right back on his knees with my knees up high and my feet each side of his hips.

“She wants her parents to meet you?” We were still whispering to each other. It’s kind of hard to have a private conversation in a room full of people. I guess the TV being on loud probably helped.

“It sounds like that.”

“You know this is important, don’t you?”

“I’ve met parents before.”

“I keep telling you, Pearl isn’t like all those brainless twits you’ve been dating.”

“I know.”

“So if she introduces you to her parents as her boyfriend then that really means something.”

“I know.”

“Don’t let her do that unless it’s true.”

“I won’t.”

“Because if you...”

I stopped because Dan had put a finger on my lips.

“I already told you I’d been thinking about what you said yesterday. You were right. I do want Pearl to be my girlfriend. I do have to treat her differently from those other girls. I’ve picked up some bad habits and I’m going to have to change them. You were right. But you didn’t say the one thing that would have helped me understand right away.”

“What’s that?”

“I would have understood everything perfectly if you’d just said that Pearl was almost exactly like you.”

“Huh?”

“She’s honest and open and sincere and direct and trusting and she expects the same from everyone she deals with. She’s a bit insecure and needs the occasional reminder of how special she is. She’s sweet and innocent – well mostly innocent – and is looking for more from a guy than just a good time. She’s a bit needy and a bit high maintenance but if you give her what she needs then the rewards will be worth it. And she has a heart the size of Texas. See? Almost exactly like you.”

“Huh!”

Dan smiled gently at me.

“Notice that I left off words like manipulative and moody and stubborn. Three things which you are that I haven’t seen so much from Pearl.”

I pouted at him.

“Manipulative?”

Did you get that I didn’t argue about moody and stubborn?

Dan stared at me and grinned. “Totally. And you know it.”

I bit my lip to stop it from pouting.

“Well, maybe, sometimes. But only when a certain person doesn’t do what he knows perfectly well he should be doing.”

Dan grinned some more and then leaned forward and kissed me on the nose.

“You’re blocking my view of the TV. There’s football on.”

How rude. I poked my tongue out at him. But then I grinned at him because I knew he was teasing me.

I slid forward down his legs. That didn’t work as smoothly as I would like because my long skirt got in the way. In the end I had to tuck the material up above my knees and I almost folded myself in half with my knees under my armpits. Eventually I managed to plaster myself completely onto Dan. I wrapped my arms around him, put my head on his chest and squeezed tight to complete the process. Anyone bigger or less limber probably wouldn’t have been able to do it. Besides, if I hadn’t squeezed in tightly against him, my skirt would have slid all the way up my legs and gathered in a pile around my hips. That would have showed far more of me than I could ever want to. Pressing up against Dan wasn’t just a nice thing to do – having got myself into that position, it became necessary.

Of course, pressing my little boob flat against his chest sent a little jolt racing through me but I ignored that because it had nothing to do with getting a hug from Dan. I wriggled myself against him and clenched my arms until I was pressed as hard against him as I could possibly manage.

“Now what are you doing?”

“Claiming some of that high maintenance.”

Dan chuckled – which made his body shake and since I was so closely attached it made my body vibrate too.

“This is nice. I wish I could stay like this for ever. If I could do that I would never have to be manipulative ever again.”

Dan chuckled again. It was like getting one of those vibrating massages all up and down the front of my body.

“Well, you can’t stay like that for ever. Like I told you, I’m going out later. You’ll have to get off me before then.”

“Rats. I’ve changed my mind. You don’t need to visit Pearl. She’s not good for you with all that neediness. You should dump her and stay right here.”

“Nothing lasts forever, princess.”

Dan had said the words so quietly, but they slammed into my brain like I was in the front row of a rock concert. “Nothing lasts forever.” The last missing piece of the puzzle slotted into place. It was like somebody flipped a switch. I went from knowing a whole lot of unrelated clues to suddenly understanding everything. It all fit together. Dan’s words had given me the final clue.

I think I suddenly went from floppy to all rigid because Dan immediately knew something was different.

“What is it, Bec?”

“I solved the puzzle.”

“What puzzle?”

“Well, I might not have solved it, but I figured out the next question to ask. If the answer is yes then I’ll have solved the puzzle.”

“What’s the question? Maybe I know the answer.”

“No, Dan. I don’t think you do. Otherwise you would have told me already.”

“You aren’t making much sense.”

“Sorry.”

I wanted to jump up right away and go in search of answers but I didn’t think I’d get anywhere. Any of the adults would be able to answer my question. But they’d all joined in on the conspiracy of silence. I figured my best bet was Aunty Penny because of what she’d already told me. Right now she was sitting on the arm of Dad’s chair, leaning against Dad and watching football with him. I couldn’t ask her while she was with Dad. He would stop her from saying anything. I didn’t think she was that interested in the game but I knew why she was there. She was spending time with her brother in the same way I was spending time with mine. I totally got that. But it was annoying because it meant I had to wait.

Speaking of spending time with my brother, I was wasting it by being all stressed out. I forced myself to relax and cuddle up to Dan again. It didn’t work as well as I wanted. I was all twitchy. My brain kept going around and around in a circle as I imagined asking my question over and over. All I needed was for someone to say “yes” and my world would make sense.

Before, I’d been half-asleep and relaxed and comfortable. Now I was wide awake and tense and twitchy. It wasn’t nearly as nice to lie there as it had been earlier. I muttered to myself in annoyance and Dan hushed me and started stroking my hair – running his hand from the top of my head all the way down to the base of my spine. Then back to the top again. That helped. My brain was going round and around in a circle. Then I remembered that circles have middles where things are still and quiet. I closed my eyes and lowered myself into the middle of the circle.

I might have gone to sleep if I’d been left alone, but I wasn’t.

“Rebecca Louise Freeman! You really shouldn’t sit like that.” Mum’s voice sounded a bit strange. It was like she was forcing herself not to shriek at me.

“It doesn’t look very appropriate,” weighed in Dad. I assume he’d turned around to look when he heard Mum’s voice. Since I had my back to them I had to guess based on the sound of their voices.

“I think you need to find a more – ladylike way of sitting,” said Mum. Her voice didn’t sound quite as strangled that time.

I really didn’t know what they were talking about. They’ve seen me sitting on Dan’s lap hundreds of times and never complained before.

I opened my eyes and all I could see was Sam. He was looking back and forth between me and my parents with big eyes. He saw me looking at him and he shrugged. I must have been looking really confused.

Then he looked me up and down. “It does look a bit – rude.”

Huh?

I thought about the way I was sitting. The long skirt meant that my knees were trapped up high under my armpits in a kind of weird position. That meant my – um – groin was kind of stretched out and pressed firmly against Dan right down low.

Oh My God!

Understanding hit me like a wall. It must have looked an awful lot like we were doing sex! Except for the clothes of course. I know that my face instantly went bright red – and my neck and my chest. I’d be surprised if the blush didn’t go all the way down to my toes. It sure felt like that. And now that I was thinking about it, my – you know – my groin was sending me some very demanding messages. My brain wanted me to run away. My groin wanted to be pressed even harder against Dan. Once again my body was trapped as different parts fought inside me for control. This time, fortunately, my brain won out and I pushed myself away from Dan with a sudden shove.

Unfortunately, in my embarrassment and confusion, I forgot about the effect gravity would have on my skirt. Instantly, the material of my skirt started sliding up my legs towards my hips. I screamed and clutched at my skirt. The sudden movement upset my balance and I tumbled helplessly backwards off Dan’s knees.

I had a choice of keeping my hands where they were and hiding my panties from the room or using my hands to soften my fall and save me from breaking my neck. You’re probably thinking that’s an easy choice. Right? Well it wasn’t so easy for me. In fact I was still trying to decide when I hit the ground. I think Dan might have moved his feet or something because I ended up falling sideways instead of backwards. I hit my shoulder first and then my head thumped into the carpet.

It hurt. But I think I started crying because of the shock of it more than the hurt. I’ve had worse falls playing basketball. I guess I was also crying from embarrassment.

I was suddenly surrounded by people asking if I was okay. People touching me, trying to grab me, trying to turn me over. It was the exact opposite of what I needed.

I lashed out at the reaching hands.

“Don’t touch me,” I cried.

I desperately wanted someone to hold me. To wrap their arms around me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

“Don’t touch me,” I whimpered.

I scrambled to my feet, pushing my way through all the hovering hands, and ran. The material of my skirt dropped as soon as I was standing. It covered my legs the way they should be covered – but still I ran.

I was embarrassed. I was upset. My shoulder hurt. But most of all, I think, I was angry because I’d been enjoying something sweet and they made it dirty. And maybe I was shocked because it was possible they were a little bit right. And maybe I was confused because I didn’t understand how it could have been both sweet and dirty at the same time.

I made it out of the living room and into the hallway before I was caught and pinned against the wall by a large pair of arms.

“Bec, wait.” It was Dan.

I struggled to break free but Dan was holding me tightly.

I stopped struggling to break free – that was pointless – but I twisted in his arms so that I was facing away from him, facing into the wall.

“Bec, are you hurt? How’s your head?”

I did a tiny shake of my head for the first question and then the teeniest little shrug for the second. Then I tried to force my way further into the wall to get away from him.

“Don’t touch me,” I hissed through clenched teeth.

I desperately wanted Dan to keep holding me, to stroke my hair, to kiss my neck. I wanted him to tell me I was loved, that I wasn’t bad, that nobody saw anything, that I didn’t do anything wrong.

But Dan holding me like that was not very ladylike. It was wrong, it was dirty, it was against the rules.

“Don’t touch me,” I murmured into the wall.

I’m not supposed to ... I don’t know. There’s a line I’m not supposed to cross. It would be easy if the line were painted on the ground. Then I could know where it was and make sure I didn’t step over it. But the line is invisible – and it moves. It floats around in the universe like one of those creepy cleaner things in home swimming pools that look like a hose or a snake or something swimming around in the water. I never know the line is there until I’ve crossed it and everything starts going bad. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to avoid crossing a stupid line if the only way I can find out where it is, is by crossing it.

Dan was still holding me. His big arms were still wrapped around me and pinning me to the wall.

“Don’t touch me,” I whispered.

Dan spun me around and lifted me until my face was level with his. Then he put my back against the wall and leaned forward so that my body was trapped in place by his. That left one of his hands free to cup the side of my face and turn my head so I was looking into his eyes. His other hand pushed the hair off my face and tucked it behind my ear and then wiped some of the wetness from my face. I guess that means I was still crying. I hung there, helplessly trapped, with my feet dangling. He wasn’t holding my arms any more but I let them drape limply by my sides.

Amazingly enough, I felt totally safe. It was like, with Dan holding me there, nothing bad could happen. If anybody else had trapped me up against a wall like that, I would’ve been kicking and screaming and trying to claw their eyes out. But with Dan, I just relaxed. Nothing bad could happen – except that The Parents could shout at us for not being appropriate. I think he held me like that so he could be sure he had my total attention. It worked.

I looked into the depths of Dan’s eyes and tried to tell him that he shouldn’t be holding me and pressing against me like that. It was probably over that line I was talking about. But my voice wasn’t working so I had to rely on my psychic powers. Then a little bit of my brain wondered what it would feel like if he kissed me while he had me trapped up there like that. I mean a proper kiss like the ones he gives his girlfriends. We were so close. All he had to do was put out his lips and we’d be kissing. I wanted so much to know what it felt like to be kissed. This was a chance to find out. That’s what one bit of my brain was thinking. But the rest of my brain knew that would be a really bad idea. I think all those different thoughts must have confused the signals I was sending to Dan because I don’t think he understood my message at all.

Dan tilted his head forward and put his forehead against mine. That meant his nose was pressing against mine. Maybe he was trying to put his brain closer to mine so that he could hear my psychic messages more clearly.

He didn’t kiss me, though. That’s probably a good thing. That would definitely have crossed over that line.

Dan took his head away from mine and looked into my eyes again. I looked back into his. I didn’t have much choice because he was holding my head in place.

“Bec, I’m not as good at figuring out what people are thinking as you are but even I can tell that right now you’re a bit embarrassed and maybe even a bit mad at Mum and Dad for making you feel that way. Am I right?”

I bit my lip. Then I moved my head up and down by the tiniest of amounts.

“They didn’t mean to embarrass you. They don’t mind you sitting on my lap and getting hugs from me.”

But...

“They knew you weren’t doing anything wrong.”

Then why...

“I think they wanted you to be aware of how the way you were sitting would look to strangers. I think they wanted you to sit differently. They weren’t telling you to push yourself off my lap and bash your head on the floor.”

So why...

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Bec, but Mum and Dad aren’t coping very well today. I don’t think either of them got much sleep last night and they’re really tired. They’re trying to be good parents and good hosts but they keep slipping up. They keep making mistakes they wouldn’t normally make – saying things they wouldn’t normally say. Can you maybe give them a bit of slack today?”

“Why didn’t they sleep?”

Dan rolled his eyes at me.

“Have you forgotten? Someone tried to get into your room last night.”

Oh! That!

I think Dan realized I was pretty calm by then so he stopped holding me trapped against the wall. He scooped me up, turned around and slid down the wall so that he was sitting with his back to the wall and me sitting sideways on his lap. I stayed sitting up straight so I could keep looking at his face. Dan’s left arm wrapped around my back and held onto my hip while his right hand sat loosely on my knees. I lifted my knees a bit higher so that his hand came within reach of mine. That let me play with his hand. It’s a proper sized hand, not thin and bony like Leroy’s.

After a moment of thinking about hands, I looked back at Dan.

“Why didn’t they sleep? The police officer said the men were gone.”

“They were really freaked out. I was freaked too but Dad was ready to go ballistic. He kept going around the house for most of the night. He must have checked every lock and every window in the house a hundred times. Mum moved Angie into bed with her and sat up holding onto her all night. When Dad wasn’t patrolling the house, he was sitting in the hallway outside your room with your door open so he could watch you two sleep.”

“We spent half the night sleeping in my closet.”

“That’s right – you did too. I’d forgotten. Dad spent half the night sitting in the hallway and staring at your closet door and the other half sitting in the hallway and watching the two of you sleep. When he wasn’t patrolling the house and checking the windows, that is. Don’t be surprised if he goes to sleep this afternoon while he’s watching the football game.”

“Why were you all so freaked?”

“Bec! You’re not stupid. A man tried to get into your room – while you were in there. You’re old enough to know what that could mean. If he’d managed to get in, who knows what might have happened?”

“If he’d managed to get in, Dad would have shot him with his gun – or I would have.”

Did I tell you I hate guns? I think I’ve changed my mind.

Dan’s face went serious.

“Bec, you promised Dad you wouldn’t touch that gun.”

“I know. But it’s not really a fair promise. If some man crawls in through my window and tries to attack me, I’m not going to stand there and flap my hands in the air and say, Oh! Oh! Don’t hurt me!“

I said that last bit in a really little and pathetic sort of voice. At the same time I flapped my hands around up near my ears as if I was surrendering. It made Dan smile a bit.

“No, I wouldn’t want you to do that. I’d much rather you ran away as fast as you could. Run to me or Dad. Let one of us deal with him. The problem with you is that sometimes you find it hard to tell the difference between reality and stuff in your head. You told us that yourself. If that was happening, you with a gun in your hand would be really dangerous. You might end up shooting one of us or someone else who’s friendly.”

“Okay. If some strange man climbs through my window, I’ll run to Dad or you and you can shoot him. And if neither you or Dad are around, I’ll make sure to ask him if he’s real and then I’ll ask him if he’s going to hurt me. If he says yes to both of those – well, then I’ll shoot him.”

Dan blew out a puff of air in exasperation. He rolled me over, forcing me around until I was lying face down over his legs. Then he smacked once – right on the bum. It didn’t hurt much. He didn’t hit me that hard. But it did sting a bit.

“Ow!”

Like I said, it didn’t really hurt, but I didn’t want Dan to get the wrong idea and smack me any harder. Dan let me go and sat there while I rolled around and sat myself up again across his legs. I pouted at Dan and tilted a bit sideways so I could rub the spot he smacked.

“What did you do that for?”

“This isn’t a joking matter, Bec. This is serious. This is the most serious thing we’ve ever talked about. You leave the gun alone. Dad might not be willing to spank you on the tush when you need it so I think maybe I better. You even think of touching that gun again and I’ll make sure you don’t want to sit down for a week. If a strange man starts crawling through your window and we aren’t around, you call the police and you start running. You keep running out the door and all the way down the street if you have to.”

I stopped rubbing my bum and sat there straightening up my skirt. I didn’t answer him but he knew I’d understood what he was saying.

“Okay, let’s forget about that for now. Do you understand now why Mum and Dad have both been struggling a bit today? That fight this morning between you and Mum, for example. Mum wouldn’t normally blow up like that.”

“I get it. The Parents are tired so they aren’t exactly dealing with things very well today. But I was still embarrassed.”

“Of course you were. But that’s something else I wanted to say to you. Yesterday, you helped me understand a bad habit I’d gotten into. Now I want to help you.”

“Are you saying I have a bad habit, too?”

“Yeah. When something embarrassing happens you always go away and hide. You either physically run away or you go inside that brain of yours and hide in there. Then you go into a positive feedback loop that drags you down and down until you end up in a big hole. It can take you hours to come out of it.”

“What’s a positive feedback loop?”

He breathed a couple of times while he thought how to answer.

“You get embarrassed for whatever reason and that makes you feel bad so you run away. So now you’re twice as embarrassed because you made a scene as well as for whatever the original reason was, so now you feel even worse so you hide somewhere. But now you feel embarrassed because you know you’re hiding instead of facing up to whatever the problem is – as well as being embarrassed for all those other reasons, so now you feel really terrible so you start crying. And so on and so on, with you feeling more and more terrible all the time. Do you see how it keeps feeding back on itself and each time it adds to the problem? That’s called a positive feedback loop.”

“Oh!”

“So you end up at the bottom of a really deep hole – depressed and miserable.”

“Yeah! So?”

“So, what you should try to do is stop that feedback loop from starting up.”

I thought about what he was saying for a moment.

“Do you mean not get embarrassed in the first place? How could I do that?”

“Embarrassing things happen all the time – you can’t avoid that. The trick is to stop yourself from feeling bad about being embarrassed. Or maybe stop yourself from running away when you get embarrassed.”

I screwed up my face. That sounded hard.

“Everyone gets embarrassed. When it happens, most people try to laugh it off. They make a joke or pull a funny face or make themselves laugh or whatever. I bet you could think of lots of times when you’ve seen someone do something strange because they were embarrassed. But then they get over it and they go on with what they were doing.”

“I guess so.”

“Look at what happened today. You got embarrassed and ran away. I stopped you out here instead of letting you hide in your room and go further into your feedback loop. Then we sat here and talked about something else until you felt better. You do feel better, don’t you?”

I shrugged and nodded.

“But you helped me.”

“I helped you this time. Don’t you think that maybe next time you could sit down and make yourself think about something else until you feel better? That would stop the feedback loop from happening.”

“I could try.”

Dan smiled. “That’s what I wanted to hear. It might not work every time, but if you keep trying I think it might help often enough to make a difference. It’s never easy to break out of a habit and that’s what your positive feedback loop is. It’s a habit that you need to stop.”

“Huh!”

“Well, I’m glad we got that sorted. Half time must be almost over. Exactly the way I like it. Problem created and solved all during the half-time break.”

“Okay then. Next time I feel like having a meltdown, I’ll make sure it happens during a commercial break so that you don’t miss anything important.”

Dan grinned. “That’s so considerate of you. I knew there was a reason I love you.”

Having gotten the sarcasm out of our systems, I leaned over and kissed Dan on the side of his mouth. “Thank you, Dan. I don’t know how you managed to think of that.”

“Well, I love you, I watch you, I see you having problems, I try to think of ways I can help. It’s a fairly simple sequence.”