Chapter 2: Flashback

Dating-wise, my freshmen year of college ended badly. I arrived at beginning of the semester sorry to be away from my family and after only a week, I desperately missed them all. Then, in September, Lisa died and between my own grief and Alex's, I was pretty damaged. I had been in the student union, Columbus Day, thinking already about dropping out and going home when someone asked if they could share my table.

He looked a bit like Alex, actually. Wide shoulders, curly black hair, a seductive grin. I think I actually blushed. He said I looked like I could use a friend. We talked for a couple hours. We meet there again the next day and talked for a couple more. It was a week before I admitted to myself that I was attracted to him and another two weeks before I decided to do anything about it.

Ryan had not been shy about telling me he was gay or about being attracted to me. I just wasn't sure about a gay relationship. Sleeping with Alex was one thing; having a gay relationship was another. Then again, maybe this is why all my girlfriends dump me. Maybe I'm not straight with a male lover, I'm gay with a taste for girls. Ryan was a nice person. I liked talking to him, liked hanging out with him. I had a feeling that I'd like sleeping with him as well.

Once we got a few ground rules straight.

We meet after class at the student union as usual. The plan was to go to the Patriot Center and watch the game. When he arrived, however, I took his face in my hands and kissed him. He melted which I find incredibly arousing — knowing that the person you want, wants you. "Dinner." I told him after I let him up for air. "I wanna talk to you."

I took him nearby to the first steak place I saw. I told him my sexual life history in brief — carefully editing Alex. "Top only." I told him.

"You've been so tentative; I wasn't sure what you wanted." He said. "I like top or bottom — one day you'll have to try it."

"I wasn't sure myself. But" I paused, "I want you to understand. I'm a bit spoiled. I usually get what I want — once I know what it is, at least."

"What do you want now?" a small knowing smile lingered on his lips — a look I'd come to appreciate.

"You." I pulled him over the table, surprising him as much as the kiss I extract did. I paid for dinner and took him back to the very large house my Grandfather lets me use.

Once in the house, it's all my show. We stripped slowly — he kept trying to pick up the pace and I forced him to slow down.

"Peter, I want you."

"Relax." I held his hands again making him hold still while I explored his chest with my lips, "We have all night."

"What happened to that shy little boy I met last month?" he moaned.

"That wasn't really me."

He gasped as I gently bit his nipples.

Instead of leading him upstairs, I pulled him, shirtless, into the dinning room. Granddad's liquor cabinet was safe — anything truly expensive was locked in the basement behind a door actually labeled "No Admittance." Between kisses, I asked him if he knew anything about wine. He answered he rather have vodka — which is how I remember Grey Goose is his preference; pouring it over each other and licking it off.

I stripped him slowly, familiarizing myself with all of him before removing the next garment. He's bigger than Alex as I recall. I started licking his balls and smiled as his knees buckled. I didn't have to suck long before he came, filling my mouth. I kissed him, my mouth full of his jizz — which I think was a first for him but not a last.

I wouldn't let him undress me though — not yet. Not until we were upstairs in my room. Then I let him peel my cloth off slowly. Made him explore my body as I had explored his. Let him suck my dick until I was ready to fuck him. Then I lifted him, guided him to the bed and lay him on his back. He watched, biting his lip, as I put on the condom. I watched his face as I slid into him. Well, at least until my eyes fell shut with the bliss of it. I tried to make it last as long as I could, stopping often, changing rhythms, sometimes just lying still inside him and kissing him. When I finally let loose inside him, we both cried out.

He fell asleep in my arms — again, a first but not a last.

The next two months were amazing. Ryan was very athletic. He wouldn't get up to swim with me — which I guess I understand — but we played whatever pick up game was going in the 'quad' on the weekends. He spent so much time at the house with me that he might as well have moved in. The only thing he wouldn't do is go to church with me on Sundays. Which bugged me a lot.

Everything else was brilliant. Until November. Our first real fight. He wanted me to come home with him for Thanksgiving dinner. In Los Vegas, Nevada. I wanted to spend it with my family in Reedville — the first holiday season without Gran-gran. The first without Lisa. There was no way I was going anywhere but home — with or without him. It's not that I blame him for wanting to go home for the holiday — I understood that completely. I just didn't get why he wouldn't just accept that we weren't spending this holiday together. The fight we had the night before I left was just mean-spirited and bitter.

I got home around dinnertime Wednesday, was greeted by my parents and siblings, and nearly quit school right then. I sat down to one of my mother's terrible meals — she's easily the worst cook of the family — and got caught up on the latest news. When Mom asked, though, if there was anyone 'special' at school, I didn't even think of Ryan and said no.

Thursday, we went to church as a family and I got to see Alex for the first time since August. He seemed subdued but not wrecked. I've seen him wrecked; I still have nightmares about it. We spoke on the phone and we e-mailed a lot but it's not the same. In church, we were limited to a handshake and a hug. He had to get to his other grandparent's house. That gave me several hours to catch up with the rest of the family before his branch made it over to our Great Grandmother's house. Well, my Grandfather's house now that she's gone.

Everything was exactly the way it was every year — apart from Gran-gran. We watched the game, ate turkey, talked about various schools and jobs and the Fishery. As the evening progressed, however, I realize that I was in-between. I didn't fit in with my cousins anymore; they all seem somehow too young. And yet, my parents generation seemed too old. I actually spend most of the night comparing college experiences with my cousin Gracie, who's studying accounting at Chapel Hill.

Finally, around midnight, I got to spend some quality time with Alex.

"Beth says you've been very good since, well, since."

He shrugged, "I been keepin' focused on the game. 'Tween that an' Ballroom, I ain't had time for much else." We'd talked about that over the phone. School, football and dance had been pretty much all he'd done for a couple months. Little fishing, little dating. A far cry from the hound dogs we used to be.

"Maybe while I'm here, we can reward your good behavior."

"Yeah?" he looks away and grins, "That would be way cool. Sir."

We didn't get a chance to, though. Between working the boats and catching up with old classmates who were also home for the holiday, Alex and I didn't have time to 'play'. I went back to school, more settled about leaving home but a bit physically frustrated.