Chapter 3

I married young. I was in love and I thought that I had found the one. We were 17 when we met, she had a kid already, and I thought I was in love. I graduated from high school; she did not. I went away to school in Virginia and she stayed home with her daughter. I spent the year being in love at 18 as a freshman in college. Two hundred miles away from the woman, I wanted. I came home from school after the first year and went to a community college so that I could date her.

Years rolled by and I had quit school to go to work, we had moved in together and were raising our daughter. Few more years pass by and we had gotten married and had two more kids. Outward things appeared to be great, but something was wrong. I love the kids, really, I am so happy that they are here in my life, but I think I married the wrong woman.

I've been crying a lot recently because I love my wife and I do not want to hurt her, but she is not the one in my dreams. I thought that she was at one point in my life, and I am not saying that I won't feel that way again, hell, anything can change. It's just that right now, for the past few years, I've just known that she is not the one. I've not gone looking elsewhere; I've not cheated, nor tried to cheat. I just know that I am not as happy as I should be. I've tried working on it. I've given her my heart; I just don't feel that this is the woman with whom I should die.

How the hell do you even handle that situation? I mean seriously, do you look this person whom you really do love in the face and tell them that they are not the 'one' you thought they were when you were a young man and had no real clue who you were as a person. So, I try to make it work for the kids because I want them to grow up in a family, but deep down it is hiding, the fact that somewhere out there the one truly exists. As I said though, I am not actively looking for them.

We spend time together as a family and take regular vacations and outwardly, most people would never know what is going on inside of me. I think that she knows though, on some level. I don't make love to her as much as I used to do years ago. She has not worked on keeping herself in the shape that we were when we met, easily carrying over 100 extra pounds. I do not say this to be cruel; I say it because it is fact. I am not attracted to her in the same way that I was before she got this heavy. I like a curvy woman, I will admit it, but at a certain point, it no long becomes appealing.

So we still have sex but it is always rushed and there is never enough time to really enjoy being with each other. The kids and work definitely put a strain on trying to find time to be together. As well, my heart is not into it anymore, after years of trying I have almost given up. We are like friends who live together, raise kids, and occasionally have sex. I would not call it a happy life. I would not say that it affects my feelings of sadness, and yet, I know that it does, perhaps we both do.