Chapter 7

I welcomed Suzette with a smile and a warm hug. She looked tired and like she'd lost weight. She didn't have much weight to lose and I began to worry about her, too. I'd heard about the Freshman 15, but Suzette looked she'd gone 15 the other way.

"Come in," I told her. "I'll fix some dinner and we'll visit for a while."

"That's what my mom said," she told me. "What's up with you two? Are you twins now?"

I told her that what's up with me was how much weight she'd lost.

"I'm not going to beat around the bush," I said. "You look like hell. You've lost weight. Your eyes have circles under them. Your hair looks greasy.

"I'm just going to ask straight up — and please keep in mind our friendship depends upon your truthful answer — are you using drugs?"

Suzette jerked her head at me, startled.

"What makes you say that?" she asked, a little too quickly.

"Suze, I recognize the signs," I said. "I would like you to answer my question. But before you do, I'm sure you know I'm highly anti-drug. But, I'm not going to castigate you if it's the case. Are you using drugs?"

I knew the answer before she told me, but she told me anyway.

"Some," she said. "Just a little now and then."

I did well to keep my temper in check. I managed, but just barely.

"OK," I said with a deep breath. "Again, our friendship depends on this. That better be the last lie I hear from you. You don't lose that amount of weight and look like you do by just using 'a little now and then.' Would you like to rephrase your answer?"

So she told me. She was depressed when she went back to school and cocaine gave her a pick me up. Her roommate's friends always had some, so it was no big deal, she said. It's not like she used it every day. Just when she needed a little zing, she told me. Then she tried some other things for extra zing.

"Is that why you're down here?" I asked. "You don't have enough money to go anywhere for Spring Break?"

She looked embarrassed — like a 10-year-old caught with a Playboy (trust me, I know the look).

"That's not all of it," she said. "I really want to see you, to spend time with you. But, yes, I couldn't go anywhere else if I wanted to."

I motioned for her to join me in the back yard. I certainly didn't need my Mom overhearing this conversation.

"Well, what are we going to do?" I asked. "Obviously I'll do anything I can to help you. Let me rephrase that. Obviously, I'll do anything I can to help you stop using drugs. You're mom is a high school teacher. How does she not know?"

Suzette shrugged.

"Just like with you," she said. "I think she might know but refuses to accept it."

This was exactly what I needed. I knew it was selfish, but I couldn't help but feel betrayed again. I didn't have time to deal with this, but I didn't think anyone else could deal with it better.

"You told me at Christmas you'd let me use you however I liked. Is that right?" I asked and Suzette nodded.

"May I assume you meant you'd be there for me whenever you weren't looped out of your mind?"

The dam burst. Suzette started crying and steaming at the same time.

"It's your fault, you know," she hissed. "If you'd have called or visited or anything, I wouldn't have had trouble sleeping. Maybe I would have been able to concentrate. Maybe I wouldn't have started doing this."

This was not going to happen.

"Oh, no," I spat right back. "You don't get to turn this around on me. Your decisions are your decisions. Just like mine are mine. If I'd have known what would happen, maybe I would have called. But don't you forget for a minute why I didn't call. You remember exactly why it is I don't trust you. And if you forget, go glance in the car mirror and get a fresh reminder."

By now, I was crying to — this waterworks stuff had to stop.

I sat in the lawn chair with my head reclined, looking at the sky hoping a thousand-pound weight would drop out of the sky, hit me square and end this shit.

Suzette came and sat on my lap. She smelled awful. The lilac smell I'd grown to love was replaced by something I didn't even want to think about. I knew what the residue of crack smelled like.

"Have you unpacked yet?" I asked and Suzette told me she hadn't. I removed Suzette off my lap and walked straight to her house. Suzette was trailing in my wake asking what I was going to do. Mrs. Crawford looked at me as I came through the door and was startled when I headed straight upstairs for Suzette's bedroom.

"Where are you going?" she yelled.

I stopped so quickly Suzette slammed into my back. But I wouldn't let her past me.

"Please trust me," I said. "I promise it's for the best."

Mrs. Crawford just nodded, but Suzette was irate.

"You can't just barge into my room," she said. In all the time we'd dated, I'd only seen her room through the window.

"Well," I said. "I don't really see how you're going to stop me. Unless your mother wants me to stop, I'm going in. Mrs. Crawford?"

Suzette's mother just looked at the floor.

"No, Jay," she said. "I thought about it myself, but I didn't. Do what you think is best."

I told Suzette that perhaps she should consider a long shower since she smelled like shit.

"This is going to take me a while," I said. "Mrs. Crawford, please go lock the doors on Suzette's car. I'm going to take the keys from her now."

"You're not going to take my keys, you son of a bitch," she screamed. I told her she could give them to me or I could take them.

"Fuck you," she said. "Take them if think you can."

I thought I could and it turned out I was right. It didn't take me long either.

"OK, now that we've proven I much stronger and probably meaner than you are, let's try this again," I said, my voice remarkably calm. "You can go take a shower while I go through your room. Or I can undress you and put you in the shower. Then I'll wrap you in a towel and set you out front for your mother to look after while I search your room."

Suzette said she'd take the shower on her own. Mrs. Crawford had returned from locking the car doors and just looked at me.

"OK, get undressed here and leave your clothes," I told her. "Or, if you'd prefer, I can join you in the bathroom and take them after you've undressed. Don't worry, Suzette, there is less of you now than the last time I saw you naked so there's no need to be embarrassed."

Suzette stripped down to her underwear in the hallway. Neither her bra nor panties looked like they'd been washed in a while.

"OK, turn around and put your hands on the wall," I told her and meekly Suzette complied. I guess the steam was out of her. "Mrs. Crawford, do you want to handle this part?"

Suzette's mom had tears streaking down her face but she told me I was doing fine.

I found the first vile in her pants pocket and another tucked into her bra.

"OK, drop your panties," I told Suzette. She looked like she was ready to kill me and she probably was.

"Suzette, drop them or I'll take them down myself," I said and she slid her dirty underwear to the floor. "Spread your cheeks and bend over."

I was pretty sure our friendship was over when I took her car keys. I knew it was by the time my beautiful ex-girlfriend was looking between her knees at me while I inspected her anus and vagina for drugs.

"Get in the shower," I told her. "Scrub yourself until your mother comes to get you. And for God's sake wash your ass."

When the water started, for the second time in a week, I found myself in the arms of my ex-girlfriend's mother.

"I need you to go in there and watch her to make sure she doesn't do something stupid," I told her. "I'm sorry. This had to be done, and she's never going to forgive the person who did this to her."

I found seven more vials of crack in Suzette's belongings. Her dad came home in the middle of my search. I didn't know the street value, but I knew the amount of crack cost far more than Suzette had. I figured she was either dealing for cash or fucking for drugs.

I was wrong about each, but in a way it was worse. She'd dropped out of school and was using the money she was supposed to be using for tuition and room and board.

When she ran a little short of cash, she'd strip for a couple of weeks at one of the many clubs around Morgantown. It was months later before I found any of this out.

Suzette was wrapped in a towel when her dad and I finished tearing up her room. I took her clothes into the laundry room and stopped to say goodbye for what I figured to be the last time.

I tried to make it through without crying, but I couldn't.

"Suze," I began, but she wouldn't even acknowledge that she heard me. "I'm sorry it had to be this way. There's a woman next door that I love dearly who is dying quickly and I can't stop it. Another woman I love dearly, you right here in this room, is killing herself slowly and I'll be damned if I am going to stand by and watch it. If you decide you want me to, I'll help you as much as I can. My mom told me I had the right to act selfishly once in a while. If you can't accept that I did this for you, accept that I did this for me. You told me in December you'd be there for me in any capacity I needed. Right now, I need to save you. I love you and I doubt you'll ever forgive me. But I did what I think is best for you. And I did what I needed to do. I'm sorry."

Mr. Crawford walked me to the door.

"That took a lot of courage," he said. "We'll take it from here."

I told him I still wanted to search her car if that was OK with him. I found her pipe and some residue in the car. I expected to find that. What I didn't expect to find was a book with every newspaper clipping about me and hundreds of pictures of me and Suzette under the seat. There were water stains on a lot of the pages. I guessed they were tears, but they could have been soda for all I knew. I put it back where I found it and took the car to the carwash to clean everything out. The Crawford's car was gone when I got back and I didn't see Mr. and Mrs. Crawford for a couple of days.