This one is very special and took being in a very particular mood to write. I’ll warn you now it doesn’t have a happy ending. It’s about my soul mate, the love of my life, my fiance, who some of you might know. Lisa Brambles.

I first met her on a dating app. Taimi to be specific. I still go back occasionally to read though that first conversation with her. I had just gotten out of a frankly toxic relationship and wasn’t even a year into my transition. I had so little confidence in myself back then ... I remember seeing her in the app and thinking, “This girl is way out of my league. There’s no way she’s going to like me back.” I even thought about hitting the little “X” but something compelled me to try anyway. I can’t be sure what it was. Her bio had hints of jaded rage about it, which is understandable for a trans woman as beautiful as she was. Imagine my surprise when I hit that button and it was a match! Somehow, she liked me. To this day I have no idea what about me caught her eye but I’m grateful.

Initial conversation with her was odd. There was so much of that jaded rage from her bio in her words, so much venom. Normally that would’ve been a turn off for me but I saw hints of something else in there too. There was perseverance, passion, and pain behind the rage. She was angry about the way she would either get treated like an object or would be abandoned. In spite of that, she was still trying. I knew the kind of strength that took because I was doing the same thing when I met her. She was so sure I would treat her the same way everyone else had, but I had no intention of doing that to her. I wanted to show her the ways I’m not like most and she was giving me that chance, albeit reluctantly. It was good enough for me. I was enthralled by her passion and inspired by her perseverance in the face of bitterness. She told me about a date she had been on recently with someone who she connected with very quickly, but who lost interest in her as soon as they met. She was on the verge of giving up hope.

We chatted occasionally for a while and eventually she asked me why I was so interested in her. I told her the truth, I told her I could see something in her that indicated a kind of passion that I found alluring. She was so insistent throughout our entire relationship that I was sure to leave her eventually like everyone else had, but I never once even considered it. She was so alone when I met her. She had been through a lot that left her bitter and it caused her to push away all her friends, something she deeply regretted. We planned to meet up for coffee, but she cancelled the next day saying she just wasn’t up for it. Of course I was disappointed but it wasn’t a big deal. I really wanted her by this point so I was committed to showing her patience and consideration.

As we continued to talk, I felt our connection deepen. Eventually we planned to meet up again and this time she didn’t cancel! By the time we got to this part I had already fallen for her and her for me, but she insisted that when I saw her in person I would change my mind so she wanted to wait until we met to call me her girlfriend. Again, I was patient. I’m not the type to push, especially not with someone as beautiful, intelligent, and passionate as her. The only times she ever hurt me were no fault of her own and this was no exception. She stood me up on what was supposed to be our chance to finally meet. I had fallen for her so hard so fast that I waited and waited and waited for hours before texting her to call me. We hadn’t even spoken on the phone yet and that one was because I was self conscious about my voice. Right as I was about to head home she called. Her voice was so pretty. And I could tell instantly she felt terrible. I could also tell that she was sick. She had come down with the flu and started showing symptoms over night and ended up sleeping through her alarm, which is why she didn’t let me know she wasn’t coming. I sat in my car talking to her on the phone for two hours and during that call I really fell for her to the point of obsession. She promised as soon as she was better we would meet again, and that this time she would just give me her address to meet at her place so there was no chance of her doing that to me a second time.