Chapter 26

When Mary and I went in, Mom heard us and said, "There they are now. You two come out here, so we can talk to you." She sounded angry.

"We'll be right there," I said, "just as soon as we take off our winter stuff."

Once we walked into the kitchen, I saw that Mrs. Pullik had brought along her husband, Hal. He was a big guy--about six-foot-four-inches, more than 300 pounds--with a jowly face. Everyone present was looking at us. I just stood patiently. Mary, apparently following my lead, stood beside and slightly behind me. Mom eventually said, "Sit down." There were empty chairs on both sides of Mom, so we took them. Dad's chair was on my other side.

"What happened?" Mom asked.

I could actually feel Ursus working at keeping me perfectly calm. "Well, I suppose the most important thing is that Mrs. Pullik assaulted Danny."

"Jesus Christ!" Mrs. Pullik yelled. She pronounced "Christ" as if it were spelled "Cripes." "You're a goddamn liar!"

"My son almost never lies," Mom said.

"He is now."

"Son," said Mr. Pullik, "tell us what really happened." I detested that he called me "son," but I refrained from protest.

I remained silent until Mom said, "Go ahead."

"Mrs. Pullik tried to kick Danny several times. He avoided her, and she eventually slipped and fell in the snow."

"Did he, or did he not, call me a "silly old bitch?" I noticed Dad cover his mouth.

"He did. Right after that, you assaulted him."

"Kicking at him is not assault."

"Did he hit you first?" Dad asked, "or at least try to?"

"He was a disrespectful little smartass. So is your son."

"You can't kick someone for being a smartass, Gertrude," Dad said.

"The law says I can't hit him with my hand, but I can kick him."

"Where did you get that idea?"

"Hal's lawyer." Mr. Pullik was a draftsman who moonlighted as a freelance checker. I supposed he consulted a lawyer for his business.

"Hal, you better get a new lawyer." Dad laughed as he said it.

"You don't think he knows the law?"

"If he told you it's all right to kick someone for being disrespectful, and he's a lawyer, he was either pulling your leg or incompetent."

"When did you go to law school?" Mrs. Pullik asked. Dad ignored her. I waited silently.

"Start from the beginning," Mom told me.

So I did. I told it from the beginning, in nearly full detail, but used circumlocutions for all the words my mother considered bad. The only part I left out was when Danny told Mrs. Pullik to mind her own business. I had barely made his mutter out, so I sincerely doubted that Mrs. Pullik had. I also emphasized that I had heard something that sounded like a snowball hitting a car, but that I hadn't seen anyone throw a snowball or one hit. Mrs. Pullik interrupted me several times as I spoke. Whenever she did, I sat silently until Mom told me to go on.

When I was finished, Mom turned to Mary. "Is that what happened?"

"Danny also said something that made Mrs. Pullik really mad, but I couldn't make out what it was."

"Other than that, did Art tell everything you heard and saw?"

"Uh-huh, Artie told it all."

Mom looked at Mrs. Pullik. "I can see why you might be upset with Danny, but why are you upset with Arthur?"

"His smartass mouth and his goddamn attitude."

"He can be a damn smartass--I know that better than anyone--but where was he a smartass with you?"

"The way he spoke to me and his better-than-you attitude. You just heard him yourself."

"Artie, how did you talk to Mrs. Pullik?"

"Just like I was talking to you now, except a little louder because we were outside."

"What's wrong with that, Gertrude?"

"Can't you hear him? If my kids talked to me like that, I'd smack their mouths."

Mom looked genuinely puzzled. Dad, bless him, decided to extract Mary and me. "There's school tomorrow. You two go to bed."

After I crawled under the covers, and Harvey moved to my feet, Ursus said, That woman is one vile human being.

Oh, yes. Maybe I opened Mom's eyes about her.

Don't count on too much. Despite all her rough talk, your mom tends to look for the good in people.

At least cutting the evil hag down to size some was fun, anyway. I had a good day, old bear. Thanks for all the help.

You're very welcome. Disturbing those who deserve disturbing is indeed fun. He began the relaxation ritual.

Thursday morning, I got up a little before the other kids. Mom was sitting at the kitchen table eating toast and drinking coffee. She looked at me for a moment and then cracked up. "I can't believe you suggested that Mrs. Lukowski call the cops on Gertrude."

School was routine. During lunch with Kirsten--macaroni and cheese--the topic turned to winter sports. "Do you ice skate, Artie?" she asked.

"No. I tried it once. I put on the skates, hobbled out onto the ice, slipped immediately, and landed flat on my back, giving my head a hard smack. Once the pain was under control, I crawled off the ice, put my boots back on, and have flatly refused ever since to try it again."

Ursus, do you ice skate?"

Hell, no!

"That's a rather defeatist attitude," said Mrs. Kennedy.

"I suppose, but coming down on my head like that scared me."

"How about skiing?" Kirsten asked.

"I've never tried it."

Ursus?

Cross country, when I needed it to get around. Not my idea of fun.

"Skiing is one of my favorite things," she said.

"I've never had the opportunity."

"How about tobogganing?"

"I've never been on one."

"Sledding?"

"I've been on Mike and Terry's a couple of times, but it's pretty flat around here. We just took turns pulling each other."

"Are there any winter activities that you do?"

"Snowball fighting." Kirsten grinned at that.

"It looks like," Mrs. Kennedy said, "we're going to have to expand your horizons."

"Does it hurt?"

"Not too much."

"Oh, before I forget," I said, "Mom said that Kirsten is invited to our house for supper tomorrow. She's making pot roast."

"May I go?" Kirsten asked her mother.

"Yes, you may."

"Mom said she'd wait after school while you went home, and then give you a ride."

"She doesn't have to do that," Mrs. Kennedy said.

"It's only a few minutes extra wait."

"I'll give her a call later," Mrs. Kennedy said.

"Would you like to bring one of your instruments and play with our band?" I asked Kirsten.

"That would be fun. Do you want to come over here after school for a while today?"

"I want to, but I need to buy Mary a Christmas present after school, and I'm running out of time."

She looked a little disappointed but said, "That's OK. We'll have a lot of time over winter break to do stuff together."

"Does your family have any big plans?"

"We're going skiing up north over New Year's weekend, but I think that's it. Isn't it, Mom?"

"Other than Christmas, that's all we have scheduled."

"Is your family doing anything?" Kirsten asked.

"So far as anyone has told me, Mom's making a big Christmas dinner for the family. We sometimes have relatives over, but I don't think so this year. We'll also have corned beef and cabbage on New Year's Day."

"Mom does that too! I've told that to some people, and they look at me funny."

"It's an Irish custom, dear. Is your mother Irish, Arthur?"

"She's half Irish and half Scottish."

"I'm three-quarters Irish and one-quarter English," Kirsten said.

"A fine blend," I said. Kirsten smiled.

We held hands on the way back to school, and the rest of the school day passed normally. Once I got home, I took Mom aside and said, "Do you think we can have Mary watch the other kids while you take me to the mall right now?"

"I need to make supper. Can't your father take you after?"

"I don't want to miss two practice sessions in a row. If Mike and Terry start believing that I don't take it seriously, they'll start skipping out." I paused to assume a pleading look. "I know what I want to pick up. It's a Christmas present for Mary."

She looked thoughtful. "All right, but we can't take too long."

"I'll be in and out. I saw it when we went to the mall, but I couldn't get it when Mary was there."

I changed clothes and fetched my money. When I came out of my room, I heard Mary say, "But why can't we all go?"

"Why do you think?" Mom said.

"We're only going to be gone a few minutes, Mary. I want to get your Christmas present," I said.

"You don't have to get me a present."

"I want to get you one."

"Oh, that's kind of you."

I almost didn't do it, but I gave her a one-armed hug. "Why wouldn't I get such a great sister a present?" She hugged me back.

When we arrived at the mall, Mom asked, "Which store are you going to?"

"The bookstore."