Chapter 35: The Longest Night of My Life

I closed the door behind me and sat on my bed. Now that I was alone it seemed like my mind finally woke up again and I thought about what I had to do. As I sat there another wave of pain washed through me, but somehow it didn't seem to matter. All that mattered was Shannon, finding her, and freeing her from the thing that held her prisoner in this life. But that thing was me. Or part of me -- how could I stop myself? I didn't have an answer for that one. I'd heard the expression before, I'm sure you have too, but it always seemed so silly, "He went away to find himself."

I remember watching an episode of one of those science fiction shows they run on television once at Mark's house. A man had left his life behind and walked away. When a friend tracked him down and demanded an explanation he asked his friend, "Long or short?" to which his friend replied, "I don't have time for long, so give me the short version." He had simply answered "Walkabout." That's all, just the one word; that was the short version. When his friend pressed for an explanation he told him it was something he had picked up years before that went back to the Aborigines in Australia. They believed that sometimes as you walked through life you would hit a crossroads, a time of decision. Usually you chose your path and walked on. But sometimes if you weren't careful, only part of you would take the path, the other part leaving to go the other way. And over time you would become lost to yourself, until one day you looked and realized that part of you was missing. They believed that the only thing to do was to leave everything behind and start walking, and keep walking until you found yourself, and that when you did, you would sit down and you would talk about what had happened to you while you were apart, and you had to keep talking until there were no words left, because when there were no words left you would look up and there would only be you.

I hadn't even noticed that I had fallen asleep still thinking about what the man had said, until I looked up and saw that I was walking across an endless grassy plain. It seemed to stretch forever. I stopped for a moment to look around, but everywhere I looked was the same. So I just closed my eyes and spun around in place until I had lost count of how many times I had spun, then stopped, opened my eyes and started walking. I don't know how long or how far I walked but finally, in the distance, I saw something on the horizon. I kept walking because I somehow knew that running would not get me there any faster. It was small at first, but as I got closer it grew, until finally it stood before me, towering over my head. It was a castle.

I knew this castle; long ago I had watched it grow out of the horizon in a dream. This time the gates were open and no one was in sight so I just walked in. Eventually I found my way to the steps of the palace and I climbed until I stood before the massive oak doors. As I reached to open one of the doors, they parted, opening away from me and a light shone from within, almost blinding in its brilliance. I stepped inside but instead of the entryway I found myself in a garden with a path stretched out before me. I started down the path and after an undetermined time I came to a pool of clear water. Hanging in the air was a sheet of familiar stationery and a quill.

On the paper, in the now familiar script was written,

No, you cannot save Shannon; nothing you can do will give her back her life. And yes, it must be you, only you can set her free because only you hold her hostage. No, you cannot defeat this enemy, not by yourself. You will require the help of another. You may summon one other to aid you, only one. You must choose wisely, for if you do not you will fail."

"How do I choose? I don't even know what I'm facing, how can I know what kind of help I need?" Don't ask me why I was talking to a floating piece of paper; it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. As soon as I finished the question, the quill drifted over and began writing;

"That is a question I cannot answer. Only you can. For this answer you must look to yourself, look to your heart, your mind, your spirit. Seek your strengths, know them, for in knowing them you will also know your weaknesses, and even though you may not recognize them, when you know your weakness you will know the help you need. But time grows short, and you must decide before you reach your goal or it will be too late. I cannot aid you further. You are already on the path. Now you must reach the end before the end reaches you."

"I don't understand." I said.

"You will, if you are successful, and if you fail it will not matter."

As soon as I read the words, the paper and quill were consumed by silver flames.

I was already on the path? But the path only led to the pool. I walked forward, and as my foot touched the water it parted and the path was revealed. It led down.

"Then down it is." I said and stepped forward into darkness, the water standing like walls beside me. It reminded me of walking under the big aquarium at Sea World. Soon the water was gone, and in its place were walls of gray stone. I stepped forward, and out of the darkness another wall loomed, blocking the way. To either side doorways led off into more darkness. Without hesitation, I took the right doorway and stepped forward again. After a while I came to a wall with two doors. I opened the door on the right and found only more darkness. Opening the door on the left I found myself looking into a now familiar cell. On the cot was a man, except this man had a face; the familiar mask lay beside him on the bed. He looked at me, and I knew that if I took this doorway I would defeat the Sandman. As I started to step forward, something stopped me. It was too easy; this was not why I was here. Closing the door I turned instead into the darkness of the other passage.

Bitter cold engulfed me, the kind of cold that when the wind blows seems to burn your skin. My hands were instantly numb. I tried to summon heat but nothing happened. I tried for a coat but instead the wind seemed to blow harder. Had I fallen so far that I no longer even had this much control? I stuffed my hands under my arms, hugging myself against the cold and walked on.

Suddenly the wind was gone, and I was surrounded by mirrors, and in each was a person. Each person represented something different. My father, a source of strength. My mother, compassion. Mr. Shelby was wisdom, Rebecca my sense of justice. Allison, my first love. I was surprised to see Phoebe kneeling in the glass of one pane, but then I realized she represented my faith. Oh, if only I could have her faith. And then the dark side; Mikkelson, my moral outrage. Parry, irresponsibility. Victoria Essex, unrestrained lust. On and on, they went around the room until finally I reached three panels. One was darkness. In the second stood the image of Lord Hightower, the man with no face. As I looked at him, I knew what hate was. A blind loathing and a desire to destroy welled up within me. Beside him, in the last pane, stood Lizzy. Not Easy, not Elizabeth, but just Lizzy. Why was she here? What did she represent? I looked around the room again, and in each pane I saw a familiar face and I knew what they represented, but when I looked at her I didn't have a clue. What was different about her? Why would she be here, standing in this place for no reason? I stood staring for some time and finally I looked in her eyes, and in her eyes I finally saw and understood, remembering a conversation from months before. A memory replay of her interview with Rebecca at the hospital where she told her, "I see the truth."

Without thinking I reached through the glass and, grasping her hand, pulled her toward me. Suddenly, she was stumbling through the glass and into my arms.

"What the ... Jimmy?" The shock showed on her face. "What the heck just happened? Where are we?"

"I have no idea. In a maze, under a pool, under a castle."

"Oh, shit!" She said. "We're in a labyrinth? This is so not good. How did we get here?"

"Well, I walked. You, I'm not so sure about. This doesn't feel like a normal dream."

"I don't think it is."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I can see you."

"What do you mean you can see me? You always see me. Even when I'm invisible you see me."

"No, I mean I see you. As in blue-gray eyes and brown hair; that kind of 'see you'."

"You don't see the usual stuff?"

"Yeah, I do, that's what's so weird. I see everything. At first I thought it was because your energy was so low but that's not it."

Then it hit me, "It's because of who you are, who you are to me, I mean. What you represent, look."

I pulled her around to face the rest of the room. "Each person here represents something to me, the good and bad aspects of who I am. Strength, compassion, love, hate, envy, greed, lust; as I walked around the room I knew what each of them represented. Until I got to you; I couldn't figure out what you were. Before I came, I was told that I couldn't win this battle by myself, that I could choose one person to help me, but that I only had one chance. The only hint she would give me was to look to my heart, look for my strengths, because in knowing my strength I would also know my weakness. Lizzy, you are what I need to do this. You have to be. You were the only one I couldn't put a name to right away; everyone else I immediately knew what they represented. But with you I didn't. So, for whatever reason, you are the one I needed. Will you help me?"

"Jimmy, don't be stupid, of course I'll help you."

"Then come on. I think we have to hurry." Taking her hand I pulled her with me and stepped into the pane of darkness.

Pain exploded once more in my chest, only this wasn't the same pain. Something had hit me and I staggered back under the blow. Another blow followed, and as I fell back Lizzy's hand was torn from mine.

"Jimmy!" She screamed, not in pain thankfully, but only in fear. "Jimmy where are you?"

But I was too busy to answer. Unconsciously I began blocking the blows and fighting back. Have you ever fought in the dark? Blind and alone, unsure of where the next blow will come from or where it will land? From somewhere a blow struck my head, pain sending fireworks before my eyes, and I fell to my knees. Instantly a weight landed on my back and hands seemed to close around my throat, squeezing until I couldn't breathe.

I was getting weaker by the second, but then Lizzy's voice came again from the darkness, "Jimmy! Jimmy! I can't see you! I need light so I can find her."

Her? Who couldn't she find? I could barely breathe, how did she expect me to ... Shannon! Finally I remembered, whatever else this was, it was a dream. A very strange dream, but still a dream, this was my world damn it! With a thought I shrugged the weight off and surged to my feet. Light flared out from me and the darkness vanished. Well, most of it anyway. Before me, crouched and ready to spring was ... something. If Walter's shadow did a Peter Pan and ran away I guess this is what it might look like. Behind it, Shannon lay asleep on the grass, flowers in her hair and littering the ground in a wide circle around her. The darkness stood between me and the woman I loved. As the rage flared inside of me a sword appeared in my hand and I swung.

Suddenly Lizzy screamed, "No!"

Something hit my arm and the sword went spinning away, then weight slammed into me, bowling me over and back through the dark doorway to land in the hall of mirrors. Somehow I landed on top and knocked the wind out of her.

"Lizzy! What are you doing?"

"Saving your life," she panted sitting up and clutching at her middle. "Jimmy, you don't realize how close you just came to losing everything."

"What are you talking about?"

She lay back down beside me, "Close your eyes. Now, look at Shannon. You were just there; go back and look at her. What do you see? Never mind, just take me with you."

I closed my eyes, and as I watched, the darkness crept toward Shannon. Its shape was now almost exactly what I had imagined it to be, Walter's shadow. As I watched, it crawled toward her and I started to surge to my feet but Lizzy held me back. "Wait, Jimmy, look at it, look at its body language. Haven't you ever seen a dog that's been punished crawl toward its master? Or a nature film of a wolf in the wild approaching its alpha? Watch."

I watched and when it got close it opened its mouth and licked at her face tentatively. It was trying to comfort her. Without warning, Lizzy rolled toward me and pain shot through me as her body seemed to melt into mine, "Now see it through my eyes." The pain subsided, and where the darkness had been, a silver-skinned child knelt and stroked Shannon's hair, tears falling down its face. It appeared to be sexless, no hair, the face a blank slate waiting to be molded. All along its body were bruises from our struggle, one leg bent at an awkward angle. It was hurt.

"Now do you see? That's why it doesn't understand. Think about it, where was it born? In the box where you hid all your emotions away; the strong emotions, the pain, hurt, rage, sometimes even the love, everything that you had to set aside to do the job without destroying yourself. That's all it knows ... and it's still a baby, but Jimmy, that's you, at least a part of you. You can't kill it without killing yourself, or hurt it without hurting yourself. You can't conquer it without destroying yourself. You have to make it understand."

I/we shook my/our head and stood up. As I did, I felt her fall away from me again. When I looked down at her I saw a glowing swirl of energy patterns overlaid in a girl's shape. I closed my eyes and when I opened them again it was just a girl. She smiled weakly and said, "For a while, you will be able to see with my eyes, but only for a while. Goodbye, Jimmy, I can't help you any more. You have to do this by yourself." I nodded and she was gone.

I stepped through the dark door and into the field again, and as I did the child shape leapt clumsily to its feet to stand between us. I could see the sharp red flare of anger, the white hot flare of pain as it struggled to stand. "No," it said. "I won't let you hurt her."

"I didn't come to hurt her," I said softly, "or you."

I walked forward until I only about three feet away, I could see it bracing itself for my attack, but instead I sat down on the ground and crossed my legs. "Come here, I promise I won't hurt you, I just want to talk to you. Please?" I waited but it didn't move. "I could make you, but I'd rather not hurt you any more than I already have. I'm sorry I hurt you before. I'm sorry about a lot of things, but I didn't understand. Now I do, and I want to help you, if you will let me. I can start by making your leg better." As I said it the leg mended and it stood up straight again and I could see the pain subside. "Is that better?" It nodded and I began soothing the bruises, until it stood whole before me once more.

"Now will you sit with me?"

"I'm scared." It moved toward me as it spoke until it stood next to me.

"I know. I'm scared too, and hurt, just like you, come here." The child shape threw itself into my arms and I hugged it tightly to me, then turned it so that it was seated in my lap. "I know you love her. I love her too. But sometimes, when you truly love someone, you have to do what is best for them. Even if it hurts. Look at her." It turned its head away. I hugged it back against me, kissed the back of its head, and turned it slowly back again. "You can't run away from this. If you love her then you have to be strong for her now. She needs us, both of us. Now, this is going to hurt a bit but you need to see it." I showed it Shannon in the hospital, body broken, tubes and wires running from her body into the various machines that were struggling to keep her alive. "That is Shannon's body, those machines are trying to keep her alive, but they can't. She doesn't have the strength. You've been giving her our strength, but it's not enough. Even if it were enough, even if she lived, she would be in pain every moment of every day for the rest of her life. Is that what you want for her?"

I felt it shudder as sobs shook the tiny body. "Nooo," it wailed.

"She doesn't want that either. We can free her from the pain. All we have to do is let her go..."

"But where will she go?"

"She will go home to be with God, and someday when it is our time, we will go to be with Him too, and when we get there, Shannon will be there to greet us."

"Are you sure that's what she wants?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Would you like me to show you? It might hurt, it might hurt a lot." I stood up and setting it on the ground, I took its hand and walked to where Shannon lay, stepping carefully so as not to crush the flowers. When I was close enough, I knelt and placed my hand on hers, "Wake."

She took a grasping breath, her body convulsing with the effort, looked at us with pleading eyes, and whispered, "Please ... please let me go ... if you love me..." and then tears began to fall from her eyes as the pain washed through her. In my arms, the tiny figure spun and buried its face in my shoulder, and wept loudly.

"Sleep my love," I whispered, and Shannon subsided once more. "Now do you see?" I felt the tiny head shake. Looking down, I could see the pain and hurt and an emptiness that was growing inside at the thought of Shannon going away. Then I saw its fear of being alone in the dark once more.

"No," I said. "Never again. I understand now; you are a part of me, and I will never leave you alone like that again, I promise. Whatever comes, we will face it together," I said, and I pulled the chin up and kissed the tiny mouth. I had only intended it to be a quick kiss, the kind you give a child for reassurance, but when I tried to pull away, it was as if our flesh had merged somehow and I could feel the energy flowing out of me and into it, yet somehow I wasn't afraid. It was, after all, part of me. It couldn't hurt me without hurting itself.

One reason I think people close their eyes when they kiss is that there isn't much to see from that close. My current partner didn't even have eyes. Well, not when the kiss started anyway, but as I watched I could see it growing, changing, but into what? The skin took on color and texture; a nose pressed against my cheek and I had to adjust a little to allow room for two noses. Then an eye opened and stared back into mine, I could see fear and wonder in that eye, I recognized it because it was the same thing I was feeling. Hair appeared and grew down to cover the new ears. As with the eyes, it was the same color as mine. That's when I finally realized what was happening.