Chapter 13: The Road to Normal

Angela woke to soft sheets and sunshine, feeling better than she had in weeks. "It was only a dream," she whispered to herself.

"It still is," I whispered back.

Startled, she clutched the soft sheet to her chest and started to roll over, only to find that she couldn't because my arms were holding her pinned close to my body.

"Shhh. Be still, everything is okay."

"Oh my God, Jimmy," she said. I felt her body tense as she realized that she was still in the same dream and that everything she remembered had really happened. The tension turned to silent tremors and the tears began to fall.

Lizzy had warned me that this was the reaction I should expect. I stroked her hair and tried to turn her toward me but she jerked away and buried her face in her pillow. Right, like that's going to work in one of my dreams. Suddenly I was on the other side and the pillow she was trying to bury her face in was my chest. I hugged her tightly to me and continued stroking her hair. When she realized what I had done she tried to pull away again.

"Stop that," I said. "Do I have to tie you up again?"

"Let me go. How can you even want to touch me?"

"Why wouldn't I want to touch you, Angela? I love you. Of course I want to touch you. I thought you liked me touching you."

"But..." she tried again to pull away.

"Stop! Angela, listen to me. There is nothing wrong with you. It took a while, but we finally figured out what's been wrong. Now, stop crying and look at me." I kissed her forehead and carefully lifted her chin so that I could see her face. She started to resist and pull away. "Please, Angels, look at me."

Maybe it was the use of her old nickname, the one that only I had used before her life turned dark, before the madness and the pain. "Look at me, Angels; I'm still me, still the same Jimmy. You are still the same beautiful girl I was so honored to go to your senior Prom with." I changed the scene and suddenly we were in the middle of a dance floor, me in my black tux, her in that plum colored miracle of a dress. We were alone, swaying slowly to soft music. "Everything is the same. Except that now I understand what's been bothering you. Listen to me, Angela, there is nothing wrong with the way you feel." I took her face gently in my hands and kissed her softly. It was only a second before she started kissing me back, and for the first time in months, she didn't tense up or try to pull away. I moved us back to the soft bed and held her to me as I made love to her with my mouth. Finally I pulled away and said, "We need to talk. Would you prefer to do it before or after I make love to you?"

"After," she said and melted into my arms.

I love dream time, you almost never have to hurry, and I didn't. An undetermined amount of time later as we lay together lost in the endorphin rush of orgasmic bliss I said, "Come on, much as I'd like to, we can't stay here all night. We've kept them waiting long enough."

She looked at me quizzically. "Who are they?"

"I'll tell you about it in the shower," I said as I climbed out of bed and reached to pull her after me. I had installed a fresh water shower in one corner of the cabana just for the occasion. It was open to the rest of the room so I just pulled her in and the water started. Sure, I could have just cleaned us up in an instant but where's the fun in that? As I began running my soapy hands all over her I said, "They are the two people who have been helping me understand what has been bothering you. One you know, the other is a new person, a very special and gifted healer that I met. She is the one who figured it out. It took a while; she's been watching you for some time. When she had it figured out she came to meet with me and Bob to explain what she'd seen."

"Bob?" she asked. "You mean Mr. Shelby?"

"The very same. Don't worry, he agreed with her diagnosis and the two of them together started working to make me understand. Her name is Elizabeth, and as soon as she figured out that you were still alive she was adamant about seeing you. You see, years ago she was raped and she was very upset that you were having to deal with all of this alone and cut off from everyone you knew. I took her to see you one night and she wept at the sight of you. You know that mall you keep wandering through? She understood all the symbolism of the place and explained it too me. She's been watching you ever since, trying to figure out what it was that was making you feel so cut off, and why you shut down every time I started to get close to you. Here, rinse off and let's get going. This is fun but if we don't get going I'll be doing it all night."

"That's okay, I like it. So, they've been having me watched?"

"No, I've been having you watched, in your dreams where the truth would come out. As I said, Elizabeth is a very gifted healer. I'll let her explain that later. For now, we're going to go and they are going to explain to you that the feelings you've been having are not bad, sick, evil, twisted, or anything else that you've been telling yourself. They are far more common than I ever would have suspected. Many people have them. You just found out that you have them in the worst possible way and had no one to explain them to you." I dried her hair and spun her around. "Hmm, a nice sun dress I think." I materialized a white cotton dress on her over a strapless bra and white thong panties. I dressed myself in shorts and a white tank top and walked her to the door. "Now, I want you to listen to what they have to say. Be open-minded and honest with yourself." I opened the door and we stepped out on to the walkway leading to the beach where Bob and Lizzy were sitting in the shade sipping iced tea. Both of them stood at our approach, Bob stepping forward to take her hand and kiss it gently.

"Nice to see you again, Angela. Especially looking so good, and I don't mean your clothes. You look whole again, young lady, and that is very nice to see after so long. Allow me to introduce Elizabeth Street, another of Jimmy's amazing friends and the one most responsible for putting you back on what I believe is the road to recovery."

Lizzy stepped forward and hugged her suddenly. "It is so nice to finally get to meet you, Angela. We have so much to talk about, but we can do that later. Right now we have to do the lecture thing. Here, sit down." Suddenly there was a couch and she pulled Angela down to sit next to her. I sat on the other side and held her hand as Lizzy continued, "As Mr. Shelby said, my name is Elizabeth Street. Most people call me 'Easy', but special friends, like Jimmy and the girls, call me Lizzy. You can call me Easy for now. Okay, first things first, confession time. That wasn't Jimmy that did that to you on the beach, it was me. Jimmy was there the whole time, watching though. I was showing him the truth that you were hiding all this time. He needed to see it to understand and finally believe what Bob and I have been telling him."

Angela was looking about as white as her dress and starting to shake slightly under my touch. I leaned in and whispered, "It's okay, remember, listen to the whole thing, open mind. I'm right here. I didn't believe it before, didn't understand, I do now, and so will you when they are done. It's okay, I'll be right here the whole time."

"You see, Angela," Bob said. "You're what is referred to as a submissive, sub for short, also referred to as a bottom, and if you are a bottom then the logical question is what's a top? The top is referred to as a dominant. They are two halves of a special relationship. You, the submissive, have a deeply rooted subconscious desire to be dominated sexually. It is the ultimate expression of your sexual identity. Don't freak out, you're not alone, there are a lot of people out there just like you. People you would never even imagine."

"It's true," I said. "There is an entire subculture out there. It's a very hidden world though. People from all walks of life are part of it, some openly, but most not. From the outside it is a very dark and misunderstood world, shunned by the masses because they don't understand it."

"Many, however," Bob took over again, "consider it the only place they can really be honest. You would be surprised at the percentage of the rich and powerful that play in and around this group. The key to this world is trust. When you are inside, you are free to be who you are without fear because when you are outside; no one knows who you are. I can see that you're confused so let me give you a simple illustration. This is an actual person that I'm speaking about. A corporate CEO, responsible for hundreds of jobs and millions of dollars. A ruthless businessman in a world of power and greed, constantly on the watch for any advantage and at the same time, constantly watching his back. That's his life by day. By night he is a submissive, he finds relief from the stress of his life by being tied to a chair with a collar around his neck while a woman beats his ass with a leather strap. You can imagine what would happen if word got out about his lifestyle. And the strap is just the beginning. There are different levels of submission for everyone, what one finds extreme is a slap on the wrist to another. What Easy did to you earlier would be considered entry level at best; barely even foreplay. Here is the important part. You decide. You are the one who decides how far it goes. You see, Angela, this world is all about trust, and the submissive is the one who has the ultimate say."

I could see she was still confused, but at least she wasn't trying to deny any of it. "How? I mean, if he's tied up and she's beating him, like I was tied up before, helpless and ... I mean, how can you say he was in charge. I was tied to a pole, helpless to defend myself."

"No, you weren't," I said. "You could have stopped that any time you wanted to. You're in a dream, Angela, you've been here before, you have control here. You could have stopped what was happening, but you chose not to. Those flimsy little scarves could never have held you here, in a world where you can bend steel with your bare hands. But your submissive nature wanted it to happen, craved it. Angela, it's very important that you understand who you are. You have to come to terms with this or it will drive you insane. That's what's been happening. It's why you've been so depressed. You wanted to be with me - you have since I rescued you, you said so yourself. Now tell me if I'm wrong here. Every time we started to get close you backed off and shut down, not because you didn't want to be with me, not because you weren't ready, but because deep down you were afraid of what you really wanted. You had these visions and memories of being tied up and forced against your will and some part of you craved it, but you were ashamed of those feelings and afraid that I would be ashamed of you for having them. You were afraid that I wouldn't love you if I found out that some part of you actually took pleasure from what happened to you."

She was looking away from me, her eyes pressed hard shut, moisture just beginning to force its way past the lids. I could see the quivering as she started to shake. I gently took her chin in my hand and turned her back to face me. As I did Lizzy wrapped her arms around her and lay her head on the taller girls shoulder. "Angels, there is all the difference in the world between what you want and what happened to you. What he did was rape and torture, what you want is love and understanding."

"And you're not alone to want that," Bob said. "Jimmy is right, what he did is to torture and rape a helpless victim who was powerless to stop him. That's not what we are talking about here. We're talking about controlled environments where your safety is the number one concern, where you can stop any time you want and walk away. And I mean that. Trust is everything in this world, Angela. Now I know this is a lot to take in all at once. I think maybe we need to stop for now and let you do a little thinking, and a little studying."

"Yeah right," I said, "a little studying. I've been doing a 'little studying, ' four hours of DVDs just to get the idea into my head. Hours on the internet and I still barely have a clue. Yeah, a little studying."

"It does seem like a lot," Lizzy said, "but once you have the basics it's a lot easier to understand. Angela, one thing that you have to know and I think this will help you. The reason it was Jimmy that did that to you on the beach, the reason that you let him do that to you, is that you know you can trust him. Tell me honestly, is there anyone else in the world that you would have let do that to you?"

"No," she said quietly. "No one."

"Right. But you let him because you know, deep down in your soul that Jimmy would never hurt you or let anyone else hurt you, don't you?"

"Yes." Her answer came out as barely more than a breath.

"You are right to trust him. But what he, or rather I, did on the beach, didn't hurt you, did it?"

She shook her head, eyes downcast.

"Jimmy would never even have done what I did. Because despite what Bob and I told him, there was a part of him that doubted and would have held back. Angela, what I did was force you both to see the truth. What we are doing now, is helping you both to understand it. The first thing you must learn is the truth of what we are telling you. Who is the first person Jimmy goes to when he needs to talk to someone?" Angela's head snapped up, a panicked expression on her face.

"Right, Allison," I said. "She doesn't know. No one else knows." I could see her relax as I spoke. "When they first started explaining this to me they stressed that I could not talk about it to anyone else. They would not explain why, but said that once I understood the truth that I would understand why and agree with them. They were right. As soon as I realized that they were right I understood that this is your secret and that part of my responsibility is to keep that secret. I can't talk to anyone about it without your permission. Not even Allison. If I were to tell anyone else then I would be betraying your trust, and that is something I will never do. Everyone that knows is here right now and unless or until you give us permission, it will stay that way. We want to help you, Angela. Tell me, after even this little bit that we have covered, do you feel better or worse about what happened before."

"I ... I don't really ... I mean, it's hard to understand all of this, and I'm not ready to accept it yet because I don't understand it but at the same time, what happened before, on the beach was..."

"Wonderful?" Lizzy said with a grin. Angela blushed a deep red color but rolled her eyes and nodded agreement. Lizzy grabbed her face and kissed her. "Thanks! I enjoyed it too. Maybe we can do it again some time." Angela looked at her sharply. "When you're ready. You've got some studying to do first. But before you get started on any of that, why don't you take a walk with me? There are some things I'd like to talk to you about." She stood and then pulled Angela up along side of her. "If you boys will excuse us." She extended her hand to Bob. "Doctor Shelby, a pleasure to work with you."

Bob took her hand, shook it, then kissed it. "The pleasure is mine."

Then she turned and kissed me on the cheek. "Just in case we don't make it back tonight. Thank you for trusting me, I know that was hard for you. Come on, girlfriend, we've got some catching up to do."

Angela stopped and pulled away. "Just a minute, since we may not make it back..." She stepped in and hugged Bob. "Thank you." Then she stepped up to me. There was a strange sort of glow in her eyes. "And thank you, Jimmy, for everything." Then she kissed me gently.

As she started to pull away I grabbed her by the hair and pulled her back to me. Once more she gasped and then her mouth was on mine again, but this time there was a hunger there as she responded to me, chewing at my mouth and searching for my tongue with hers. I held the kiss for a few moments and then released her. She almost stumbled as I let go. I gave her a questioning look and she blushed and smiled shyly, dropping her eyes in embarrassment. Maybe they were right after all. She turned and took Lizzy's arm and I noticed she was looking intently at me, but she turned and they walked off together About twenty steps out Angie turned and looked back at me as if to make sure I was still there and it was okay for her to go. I smiled and shooed her on her way, she smiled back and the two of them moved off together, heads tilted together chatting about things I was not qualified to understand.