Chapter 2

It was after midnight on a Friday night when Renee called to tell me she was in labor.

I had moved to the apartment complex a few blocks from her house so I was at her door in less than 10 minutes. We had rehearsed the procedure a dozen times but it was hectic as hell on the actual night.

The 13 days since I first met Renee had been a whirlwind. I had painted the room and put together the furniture. I had bought a video recorder and a digital camera to record images. I had moved to a new apartment and returned to work. I had juggled calls from Mary and threats from her attorney and calmed Renee when she received the same from Jeffrey and his attorney.

I had expected most of my activities but I wasn't prepared for the next portion of my life: Renee grasped my hand tightly and pulled me with her into the delivery room.

I was not super pleased about the situation but I hardly could tell her no. I figured I would stay with her until the real event kicked off then get away as fast as possible.

The rain outside should have told me that wouldn't be the case.

I kept my back to the action as I maintained a tight hold on Renee's hand and whispered soothing words to her. I graciously declined when the doctor offered me the opportunity to cut the umbilical cord. But I gladly accepted the bloody bundle that was Renee's daughter after the doctor had let Renee hold the little girl for a minute.

Eve Elliott was a beautiful baby.

I had taken Renee's advice and cut back on my hours, much to the chagrin of the partners of the law firm I worked for.

My leisure time wasn't spent exactly leisurely but it was certainly enjoyable. I became Eve's erstwhile baby sitter while her mother worked in her home office. Renee would take a break every couple of hours to breast feed the little girl — times when I made a hasty retreat — but she seemed content to leave the precious little girl in my care during the evenings.

I had wanted children since my marriage but Mary had steadfastly refused. She wanted to wait three or four more years, much to my disappointment.

Renee told me Jeffrey was reticent about having children as well and he had expressed disappointment then disinterest when she told him she was pregnant.

For my part, I would be happy as hell to be considered Uncle Eric by little Eve.

Mary and Jeffrey hadn't given up. Their attorney had filed a counter claim alleging infidelity on the part of Renee and me. It was ludicrous but the court had dutifully accepted the filing as required by law.

Renee and I had a laugh over that one but we still were obligated to defend against the claim.

Jeffrey had made a few efforts to see his daughter. Renee had primary custody and Jeffrey hadn't bothered to go to court to secure visitation.

For the first couple of months he would call about once a week to secure Renee's permission to visit. Renee had always asked me to be there whenever Jeffrey came to visit.

Mary would call my cell phone a couple of times per week — usually to try to get more money out of me or to ask me questions about turning on the furnace or putting in the storm windows.

The first depositions were a joke. Mary's attorney looked as if he was 15 years old and acted as if he were 12. He expected to be able to dictate the pace of the proceedings and that simply wasn't going to happen.

I had engaged a full-fledged ball-busting shark as my attorney. She was a take-no-prisoners type who ate little boys like Mary's attorney for lunch. She had never heard of Mary's attorney and neither had I.

"I simply don't see how you can allege adultery," he said before my ass had hit the seat.

"She was fucking another guy," I said harshly.

The boy actually blushed.

"That is incorrect," the boy said. "Allow me to inform you of the legal definition of adultery."

I started to speak but my attorney touched my arm.

"I'll handle this one," she said. "This man handles 40 or 50 divorces a month. Just the thought of his client list gets my silkies a little moist. He understands the legal definition of adultery far better than you do, I can assure you. And I can further assure you that he recognizes adultery when he sees it."

At my attorney's mention of silkies the boy's blush deepened.

"Remind me to bring my client list to our next lunch meeting," I said wiggling my eyebrows and my attorney punched me on the arm playfully.

I saw an opportunity to speak and I took it.

"Mary, I've been generous," I said. "There is no way you'll get a no-fault divorce out of this. You know it and I know it. My first offer was the house and $24,000 in alimony. I've documented every lie you've told me since our separation and I've knocked $10 per month off for each one of them. My final offer, which is good until Monday afternoon, is $480 per month and the house. If this goes to trial, you'll lose the house, too, if I want it."

Mary was shaking her head so hard I thought her necklace might break.

"I have not lied to you," she said. "Not once. I never had sex with Jeffrey before our separation."

"Four-seventy per month," I said as I pulled out my notebook and make a tick beside the appropriate lie. "Keep going and you'll owe me money."

"Fuck you," Mary hissed. "We'll go to court."

"Before we go I want to get a couple of things on the record," my attorney said. "This is a formal deposition and it will be recorded. You are under oath.

"For the record, Ms. Wendell, did you have a sexual relationship with Jeffrey Elliott prior to June 3rd?"

"Absolutely not!" Mary practically screamed then she sat back with a smug look on her face.

"That's really all I have to ask," my attorney said and I started to rise.

"I have some questions of your client," Mary's boy wonder said.

"Did you have a sexual relationship with Renee Elliott prior to June 3rd?" he asked with a grin.

I knew it was coming and I was prepared.

"I have not had a sexual relationship with Renee Elliott prior to nor after June 3rd. In fact, I don't think I ever laid eyes upon her until June 4th. At the time she was nine months pregnant. She has since given birth but our relationship is not sexual."

Mary's attorney rolled his eyes.

"We have photos of you leaving her house," he said. "We have photos of her leaving your apartment. We know about you two. You certainly seem chummy with the daughter. Are you sure she isn't yours?"

I was out of my seat before my attorney could stop me.

"You sniveling little twit," I roared. "I'll cut your balls off and stuff them down your throat if I see one camera pointed at me or those two. Mark my words, you little fucker, you don't want me as your enemy. Mary, ask your fuck buddy what Renee does for a living before you decide to reject the deal. You have until 5 p.m. Monday to come to your senses."

Monday afternoon came and went without a word from Mary but I did hear from Judge Bettina Markle about my outburst. It seems Mary's attorney had filed a formal grievance against me with the presiding judge. I was to be in her chambers at 2 p.m. Tuesday with my attorney.

Tuesday morning brought Mary's counter-offer. She wanted me to give her the house and a $50,000 lump sum alimony payment.

Neither the summons nor Mary's demands worried me much but Renee was pissed when she got a similar packet from Jeffrey.

It seems that she and I weren't the only two comparing notes.

I sat in Judge Markle's chambers and listened to the snot-nosed kid give chapter and verse on my alleged transgressions.

"He is an officer of the court," he said. "He threatened another officer of the court. That's actionable."

My attorney smiled sweetly.

"He was there not as an officer of the court," she replied. "He was there as a plaintiff. And if Mr. Hart maintains his sanctimonious attitude, Mr. Sears will not be the last client who speaks harshly to him.

"If Mr. Hart doesn't grow up, Your Honor, you're going to have to set aside another judge just for hearing his whining."

Judge Markle shook her head gravely.

"Just what did you say, Mr. Sears?" she asked me.

I smiled at the woman.

"I called him a sniveling twit and told him he didn't want me as an enemy," I replied. It was almost word for word what Judge Markle had said to me five years before.

The judge burst out laughing.

"Mr. Hart," she began, "being called a twit is not actionable. In fact, if your actions there were anything near your attitude here, I would say Mr. Sears was correct in his assessment.

"As for the second part, I would say he definitely was correct. He is not a person you want as your enemy."

The young attorney got red face and sputtered out a few syllables before regaining composure.

"Well," he said haughtily, "my client was refused by several attorneys in this matter before she came to me. I can understand why. I see the good-ole boy network has expanded to include women. I will be asking any sitting judge in this county to recuse himself or herself from this matter."

Judge Markle's eyes became slits but I spoke before she could unleash her venom on the man.

"I'm going to give you a little free advice," I said quickly. "If you want to say the things you did when you're talking to your buddies or to your clients, no one will care. But if you try that shit in a judge's chambers again, you better have a toothbrush in your pocket, if you get my meaning."

He looked dumbfounded so I assumed he didn't. I started to speak again but Judge Markle cut me off.

"Contempt of court," she said brusquely. "That means I put you in jail until I decide to let you out. He's right again. You open your mouth to me again it better be prefaced with Your Honor or Ma'am. And your tone of voice better be respectful even if you don't mean it. It's time you grow up if you want to play in the Big Leagues. We don't take kindly to crybabies up here. Now, as for your request, it is out of order. If you put in a formal motion, I'll deny it."

The young man sputtered again.

"The simple fact is that Mr. Sears has already asked us to recuse ourselves from the case," she continued. "He was looking out for your client while you were still holding your crying towel. Now get out."

Mary had sat quietly throughout but I noticed her face getting paler as the judge spoke. When we left she refused to meet my gaze.

"As for your offer," I said to the top of her head, "fat fucking chance."

The fall brought a host of activities. I spent three or four evenings a week with Renee and Eve. I learned how to fix a bottle and even to change a diaper.

Renee started to take a couple of hours per week away from the Small Fry so I got a crash course in unsupervised child care. It was good for Renee's peace of mind and I had a great time with Eve.

I didn't even mind when she was fussy. We'd take a short stroll and I'd sing her a couple of silly songs and she would be out like a light.

I couldn't decide what my relationship with Renee was. I was starting to realize what I would like it to be but she treated me more like a brother than as a significant other. I guess for the most part I treated her sisterly as well.

Still, we would watch a movie or sit and talk after Eve was asleep and we ate together almost every evening. Whatever relationship we had we both seemed comfortable around the other so we kept things low-key.

Of course the thought of some sleazeball photographer outside of our living areas made that easier still.

It was early January before the cases of Sears v. Sears and Elliott v. Elliott made their way to the docket of Family Court. Mary had made a vain attempt at contacting me to try to exchange figures again but I refused. The whole private detective thing had really pissed me off.

Jeffrey had stopped coming to visit Eve at all. I think he was worried that Renee was going to hit him up for child support. She was keeping that gun in the holster for right now.

Because a judge from another county was being brought in both cases were scheduled to be heard on the same day — mine in the morning and Renee's in the afternoon. We really figured the afternoon session would prove superfluous.

I thought it a good sign that there wasn't a cloud in the sky when we entered the courthouse.