Chapter 4

"He who loves the more is the inferior and must suffer." (Thomas Mann)

Rylie stood in a corner trying to avoid the happy laughing people who filled the room; but at a party, especially a Christmas party, it was nigh on impossible to have the solitude her misery desired. People kept coming to her talking, asking about her plans for the holiday season.

She was polite; replying with a forced smile on her lips, trying to hide the pain she felt inside.

She hadn't wanted to be there, and she was only there because her friend Frieda had shamed her into attending.

"It will be Delia's last Christmas party before she goes overseas and it'll be awful if you don't attend," Frieda had admonished, and Rylie, too depressed to argue, had allowed Frieda to persuade her.

She could see him, it was hard not to. He stood in the middle of the room, his wife at his side, and a group of people around him. She couldn't blame them; he was charismatic and people were drawn to him like bees drawn to nectar.

"You were one of those people," a mocking voice in her head reminded her. Yes, she used to be one of those people, and still was in a wretched way. But now she was experiencing that agonizing mixture of love and hate -- hate because of what he had done to her and yet love because she still desired him.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day, You gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Matt watched Rylie as she stood in the corner of the room, her eyes fixed on Dylan. His heart ached for her as he watched the expression on her face; an expression of hatred and yet mingled with deep longing. He knew she still ached for Dylan despite all he had done to her. Matt tried to ignore her pain, but he couldn't. He had loved Rylie for the past two years but she never saw him as anything but a friend; she only had eyes for Dylan.

He had thought that she would eventually give up on Dylan because he at first failed to notice her, but then he did start taking notice. He saw in Rylie someone whom he could use to meet his sexual needs when his wife, Georgia, was away on one of her business trips.

Rylie, blinded by his charm and good looks, had entered into a passionate affair with him. He had first inveigled her into his bed with words of love, and it never occurred to her that he was just using her as a comfort woman in his wife's absence.

She thought that he genuinely loved her, but time had proved her wrong. The previous Christmas, when Rylie, tired of having to share him, asked him to divorce Georgia, he had told her blatantly that his wife was far more important to him than her. It was then it became clear that he'd only been using her.

Devastated, it was to Matt that she turned for comfort, and he had held her as she wept her misery.

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance but you still catch my eye
Tell me baby do you recognize me?
Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me
I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I Love You" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

'

Matt went to Rylie now, to see if he could once more offer his comfort.

"How are you doing?" he asked her softly, giving her a hug.

"Not so good," Rylie whispered, glad that Matt was there.

"It's just that he doesn't care. I mean, look at him, parading around in front of me with his wife like that, knowing full well what he did to me

"But you must have known this would happen Rylie," Matt said, looking into her troubled face, "You knew - you must have known."

"Yes I suppose I did deep down," Rylie admitted miserably, "but we often don't listen to our inner wisdom and I'd hoped it would be otherwise."

"Do you still love him?" Matt asked. Rylie shrugged her shoulders hopelessly saying. "I was so besotted with him - maybe I still am, but at least now I can blame him for a lot of what happened rather than take all the blame myself."

"That's something I suppose," Matt said, glancing across at Dylan and wishing he could punish him for what he had done to Rylie. Neither of them said anything for a while, just standing in the corner and sipping their drinks; Rylie, her eyes still on Dylan and Matt gazing sorrowfully at her.

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice
My God I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

As he watched Rylie in her pain, the words he had longed to say to her welled up in Matt.

"You know I love you, Rylie."

"Oh Matt," Rylie said, turning to look into his eyes. "You know..."

Matt turned away from her, trying to compose himself. When he had control over his emotions, he turned to see Rylie looking at him with concern in her eyes. He smiled, trying to assure her that he was okay.

"I know." He said. "But I needed to get that out."

Rylie touched his cheek softly; she opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by Georgia, who had chosen that moment to make an announcement.

"Attention everyone." Georgia said, her shrill voice sounding loud in the room "Dylan and I have some lovely news, and we want all of you to share our happiness. We're having a baby."

Rylie choked and began to feel the room spinning around her. She leaned back against Matt, who had abandoned his drink when he saw Rylie looking as if she was going to faint. He held her firmly, his heart aching for her.

Rylie was breathing heavily, still trying to take in what she'd heard. Matt, realizing that Rylie was in shock drew her gently her out of the room and onto a small balcony. Once there, Rylie began to regain the power of speech and her breathing steadied.

Tears running down her face, she asked matt, "How could he do this?"

Matt hugged her to him, and let her cry. When she had quieted down a bit, he pushed her away from him and handed her his handkerchief. Rylie took it and wiped her face, drying up her tears.

"Matt, will you come with me?" Rylie asked when she had finished.

"Where?" Matt asked, thinking that he would have gone with her even if she hadn't asked. He didn't trust her to be alone when she was like this.

"Anywhere away from here."

"Sure." Matt agreed. Anywhere away from here was a good idea. He at least needed to get Rylie out of this party in case she broke down again. They went back into the room, and Matt left Rylie in a corner as he said the necessary goodbyes.

Finished, he led her out and into his car. He drove her to a small park that both of them frequented. He sat her down on a bench under a tree and held her as she cried again.

They sat like that for a long while, Rylie sobbing into her friend's shoulder, Matt murmuring into her hair in an attempt to soothe her.

When Rylie finally pulled away, there was a strange look in her eyes. Before Matt could say or do anything, she had pulled his face down to hers and kissed him fervently.

Mustering all his willpower, he pulled away from her, holding her at arm's length when she tried to kiss him again.

"Not like this." He said quietly, watching as her eyes showed him the myriad emotions that she were flickering through her; emotions of pain, confusion, anger and finally resignation.

"Why not?" She asked, "I know you want to."

"Yes, but I'm not going to be a stand in for anybody. You know that I love you Rylie..."

"Then why the hell not?" she was angry now.

"Because you'll have this night, but tomorrow, you'll hate me. I need you to accept me for me Rylie. I don't want to be a substitute for anyone," Matt said, trying hard to keep the frustration and the hurt out of his voice.

"You're right." She sighed. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Matt said, pulling her close to him. "It's a normal reaction. You're hurt and I guess I looked like someone who would ease the pain. But not like that Rylie."

He wiped away the tears that were streaming down her cheeks, holding her tenderly, offering her all the comfort he could.

"Can I stay with you tonight?" Rylie asked in a small voice, expecting him to refuse. But she asked anyway, because she knew he was the only one who really, truly cared for her, and she needed someone who cared right now.

"You know you can," Matt said gently, his eyes reassuring her. "Now let's get home before both of us catch the chill of our lives. I don't know about you, but I want to spend Christmas hale and hearty, not in bed with pneumonia!"

That last comment made her laugh and she allowed herself to be led to his car. He helped her into the passenger seat and got into the car beside her. He pulled out of the park and drove to his apartment, turning to look at Rylie every so often.

When they were about halfway there, he noticed that Rylie had fallen asleep. Chuckling to himself, he concentrated on getting to the apartment quickly. Once they reached it, he carried her up, not wanting to wake her.

He changed her out of her dress into his spare pajamas. Making sure that the heating in the room was all right; he tucked her into the bed and kissed her lightly on the forehead before going to bed himself.

It had been a long day, a very long day indeed.

This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Rylie woke up the next day to the inviting smell of baking and coffee. She was disoriented for a few moments, and then as memories of the previous night flooded back she flushed and buried her face in her hands as she recalled her behavior with Matt.

She got out of bed reluctantly, not wanting to face Matt. But she had to, she knew that. She made her way to the kitchen, where all the delicious smells were emanating from. She found Matt mixing up some cookie batter at the kitchen counter. She spotted a plate of still-warm cookies on the table and looked at them longingly.

"Good morning Matt." Rylie said, a bit uncomfortably.

"Good morning." Matt replied cheerfully, turning to give her a quick smile before he turned back to the batter. "There's coffee too, so help yourself."

She too a cookie and bit into it, savouring the lovely flavour before she replied

"I will." Rylie mumbled. "Listen Matt, about last night..."

"No need to apologize." Matt said quietly, trying not to turn and look at her. He knew that if he did that, she would see the hurt in his eyes. "You were confused, angry and sad."

"Even then..." Rylie said, but her voice trailed off as he turned and silenced her with a look.

"I said it was okay." Matt said, and began laying out the batter onto butter paper, "by the way, merry Christmas."

"It's Christmas?" Rylie asked mildly surprised. Then, she remembered the events of last night. "Oh yeah, it is. A merry Christmas to you too.

"Thanks." Matt said. "Your present's under the tree in the living room."

"You put up a tree?" Rylie asked in surprise. She knew that Matt hated putting up Christmas trees. He said that it just reminded him of the time his sister got divorced. Putting up Christmas trees had always been a rather big affair in his sister's house, but when his brother-in-law had walked out on her, she stopped putting them up. He hated putting up trees because it always reminded him of the time his sister went from being a bubbly, vivacious, outgoing person to a sad and quiet person who let no one inside her shell.

"Yeah well, Fred and Joan are coming over with Darien and Jesse today. You know how those kids are."