Chapter 25: A hollow feeling

Friday 13-Jul 2007

Chris leaned back on his horse, looking back down the trail to check on Shahia. She smiled up at him and leaned forward on the horse, spurring it to a canter so she could catch up to Chris.

"There, see." Chris gestured in front of them, and Shahia saw what he meant.

"Oh, Chris, that's amazing."

They had just reached the highest point of his uncle's farm. From here, you could look out east, tracing the contours of the land as it gradually fell towards the coast, and far in the distance, just visible through the haze, was the azure glow of the sea. It was a glorious view, especially on this clear but cold winter's day.

It was a rare pleasure, this, to spend a whole day with Shahia, just the two of them. It had certainly taken some organising and outright conniving, mainly on the part of his mum and his aunt.

His aunt had been true to her word — she'd devoted a great deal of attention to Maria, as much as she could, to the point that his mum had to take Shahia aside with Chris and explain that she wasn't just being nice to Shahia, she was really hanging out be a grandma, and she couldn't help herself.

Chris was surprised at how much time Maria still took from Shahia, but she had been able to get out with Hassan and Alyssa as they experienced the farm and all that it had to offer. She'd even gotten to drive a tractor.

To everyone's surprise, she'd also turned out to be pretty good with horses. The legacy of upmarket horse-riding clubs as a kid, she'd said, and that it was something she'd missed. Every day in the early afternoon, while Maria slept, she'd saddled up a few horses and taken some combination of Bec, Alyssa, Jay and Hassan for a ride with her.

So his aunt and his mum had taken it upon themselves to organise for both Shahia and him to be free for the whole day, and for just the two of them to head off into the hills on horses. They'd even packed a picnic lunch for them. Since Chris had been riding a lot, and Shahia had got over her soreness from riding again, they'd decided to go for the long option, and it had been a few hours hard riding to get to the ridge out the back of the farm.

Even though it was extremely cold, there was not a breath of wind, so conditions weren't actually uncomfortable. Of course, there'd be no rolling in the hay, but that wasn't on for other reasons. Chris sighed. He'd spent all week thinking about what his parents had said, and he'd gradually come to realise just how many problems he had in his future.

As a sixteen year-old kid, he was just so powerless. If he was eighteen, he could marry her, and between them they could adopt the kids or something. Actually, he could marry her now, maybe. That might solve her immigration status. The problem was that you could only get married at age sixteen if you had parental consent. Where would this leave Shahia? Trying that would probably make everything worse. And even if it was possible, then they'd be married, he'd have to work. He could leave school and get a job, but it wouldn't really be good for Shahia if he worked in McDonald's for the rest of his life.

And all this was begging the question: was the rest of his life going to be about Shahia? It seemed so silly to be thinking about this when they'd never even kissed. Well, almost never, he said in response a very clear memory: she had kissed him once, a memory he cherished a great deal.

All this was more reason to hold off, to keep his distance. The one thing that truly focused his thinking was April, when Shahia's money ran out: what could he do to manufacture a miracle?

Looking at the question like this had underlined for him just how much Shahia had lost. He, at least, could choose where he stood about this. Shahia had no choices at all, just the desperate desire to hold on — another reason to keep any relationship they might have clearly separate from a resolution of her situation.

Even finding a family that could take her and the kids in would be difficult — he more clearly understood that now. As a hypothetical case, he'd imagined his parents adopting the four of them. But he saw what a price that would be, how his mum and dad were looking forward to him and his siblings growing up, and already making travel plans for when that happened — they'd have to give up the next stage of their life, and they'd be old by the time Maria grew up.

On the other hand, he imagined a young couple, suitable for Maria — they'd have to cope with the older kids. It helped him understand the department's problems. There was just no option that didn't involve breaking up the family, and that thought made him sick.

Chris shook his head and pushed all that aside. His stomach rumbled, and he turned to Shahia. "Hungry?"

"Oh, yes, let's have lunch."

He found a little hollow, a suitable place to eat. They set the horses loose, since they were well trained and wouldn't travel far, and he spread out the blanket while Shahia picked through the picnic basket. She exclaimed with pleasure. "They've given us great stuff."

Once they had devoured their rolls, fruit and chocolate, they shared a large bottle of sparkling grape juice. When Chris burped, Shahia burst into laughter, and pushed him over. When he didn't get up, she came over to his side of the blanket and lay down next to him.

For a little while, they both looked up at sky, watching the few clouds go drifting by. Eventually Chris said, "So, what were you going to do when you left school?"

Shahia sighed. "I'd always wanted to be a nurse. But I'd been thinking that my marks might be good enough that I could be a doctor. Of course, when mum and dad died..."

"Yeah, I know."

"What about you?"

"I don't know. I thought I might be a professional soccer player for a while. When I realised how likely that was, then I decided to do something more achievable, like being the first man on Mars."

Shahia started giggling. "Only that?"

"Yes. Or I thought I might aspire to being a builder's labourer."

"All right, then, I'll tell the truth too," though Chris could hear that she wasn't being serious. "I've decided to be a supermodel, and I'm going to marry Hugh Jackman."

"Really? You could be, you're that beautiful."

"No, I'm Lebanese and Persian, not beautiful. Whoever heard of a middle-eastern supermodel?"

"Well, there's always a first for everything. And you are beautiful; exotic too. It's not always obvious, because you hide it so well, but when you smile and laugh ... wow."

"Hey, thanks. But seriously, what are you going to do?

"Seriously? I have no idea. My marks have never been good enough to go to uni, but lately they've gone up, and Mum and Dad and I have been talking about that. But I don't know what I want to do."

They talked about that for while, trying to figure out what Chris liked. Weirdly, cooking came up on his list. He'd never considered that as a career. After a while, they got distracted, talking about how much Hassan and Alyssa were enjoying the farm.

It was nice and peaceful. They were wearing warm clothing, and Chris had been working hard, so he felt a little drowsy, and when conversation dropped off, he went back to watching the clouds as they...

With a start, he awoke. He was still lying on his back, and Shahia was lying with her head on his shoulder and her arms around him, still asleep. It was lovely, on a par with dancing with her. Her face was inches from his, and she looked peacefully happy. How much longer could they afford to lie like this? Was this even a good idea? He snuck a look at his watch, and then there was no longer any question. He poked Shahia so that she woke up.

"Hey, it's after three o'clock — we have to go, now. You pack lunch, I'll get the horses."

Chris was in a mild panic. Even if they rode hard, it would be dark by the time they got home, and dark out here really meant dark. He'd have to hope the sky stayed clear, at least there'd be some starlight to ride by.