Chapter 1

I slow the Mercedes in anticipation then come off the road onto the small lay-by looking out across the valley where much of my early girlhood was spent.

I'd made the detour on a whim after calling on a new magazine client.

Pulling out a cigarette, I light up. Morose nostalgia accompanies the old familiar vista.

The sawmills where Dan joked the work gave him his 'mill muscles', the church where mother prayed for absolution from sin and my old high school.

Sweet and sour memories from those early days; I grimace at the memory-scape.

At the girls high I'd been regarded as rather prim, a studious kind of girl that teachers approved off. Mum's aspirations for me made her fussy with whom I mixed. Some of my classmates, especially the rebels, saw me as a stuck up prig.

Well, I was soon pulled off my high horse; ... how they must have laughed.

I was studying to be a teacher before I... 'turned out bad'.

I never finished teacher-training college ... I had an illegitimate child instead.

Mother's suicide came a year later.

Nudging the Merc into drive and back on the road the view of the valley is quietly left behind me.

My thoughts though, remain surrounded by it.

I imagine returning to a point in life and able to step back onto my original pathway.

Perhaps I'd be a university lecturer now, not BluMag's proprietor.

I've often avoided thinking about those times to be honest. It's all remained very hazy.

Perhaps we all polish over the bits of life that make us feel uneasy.

This evening though, alone on the highway, those memories from the early sixties, surface ... memories from a day that began altering things ... altered me, from being just another home-alone young mum

Early Days

I hum along to Radio Caroline as I wash-up and listen to them playing together behind me.

Jess is squealing with delight as Dan romps on the floor with her. The sounds are reminiscent of my own childhood with him.

Staring at the darkness through the window I recall how he would play with me in just the same way and I'd adored him.

He'd fondle me on his lap, calling me his princess. When older, I'd daydream of those moments, placing him in the role of my boyfriend.

That carefree period of innocence had past all to soon; to be replaced with awkwardness.

Sat on his lap before bedtime, I had begun a kissing game on his ear.

I'll always remember that strange tone of mum saying, 'you should be past that sort of thing my girl!'

It induced a sense of shame. A girl has to stop romping around with her Dad at some stage but you lose something growing-up.

I smile to myself. Now it's my daughter experiencing those joys!

While I stare into the darkness of the window I become aware of the reflection that's before me, of the two of them on the floor behind me.

I smile in surprise at the quirk of it, like watching a hidden camera.

Jess is squirming on the floor underneath Dan. Kneeling over her, he's tickling her first on the neck then the waist. She's in convulsions, legs kicking out against the delightful torture, her school dress skewed up past her knickers.

The tickling fingers work from her waist down into her thighs, suddenly I'm alarmed. I watch his finger stroking slowly into the crouch of her knickers.

She's ceased squirming; motionless. Her brown impassive eyes lift to meet his gaze as her thighs begin parting.

Flicking off the transistor, I snap back to reality. I yell at them over my shoulder,

'OK Jess, lets start getting ready for bedtime, you can begin by brushing those teeth'.

Normality returns; coming into the kitchen pulling strait her dress Jess complains, 'Oh mum! I'm not a child! It's early yet!'

'I'm afraid so poppet, it's school in the morning' I say, with Dan following behind saying, 'Can I give you a hand with anything Val?'

I look at Jess. The fleeting images of her responding to his sexual touch bring confused feelings over me.

Then, in mix of shamed arousal I find myself replying, 'Well if you could read her bed-time story for me Dan, I could get her uniform seen to'.

That old feeling of self loathing rose over me with mother's words hissing in my ears; ' ... slut of a girl you are.'

As he followed Jess upstairs my mind was in a spin. What was I trying to prove? Jess wasn't like that. My imagination had been running wild. I hardly dare think it; had I envisaged Jess acting out my secret childhood yearning when Dan had played with me? What did I expect to catch them doing upstairs?

As I place down her school blazer I see my hands are trebling at that prospect.

Quietly, I make my way up the stairs to the landing. Creeping up to Jess's bedroom I can hear his deep soft voice reading from the storybook.

The door is ajar and I peek through the crack.

I clearly see him sat by her bedside holding the book on his lap. Jess is in bed and appears to be nearly asleep.

Again self-revulsion begins creeping up; but its oft-lurking presence begins a final retreat, as what I'm witnessing, materialises.

While Dan methodically reads from the book on his lap, his mind is focused on what his other hand is caressing.

It is under the blanket quietly exploring Jess's parted thighs. That moment sublimates me.

Looking at Jess again I see not a passive virgin but a maturing girl discovering sex; just as I had yearned for at her age.

Without disturbing them I go to my bedroom.

Elation starts to explode the repression that's held my sensuality a prisoner since schooldays.

Suddenly, aged twenty-seven, I realise there is no longer a taboo on sex and I can feel good about how I am and what I want.

Late into the night I ponder over how I can begin afresh in the morning.

New View Jess

In the bathroom during the scramble to get ready, I hand Jess a fresh pair of panties saying, 'you can change into these now because I'm putting the washing through.' She took off her knickers, then I exclaim, 'What a rash that is Jess'. I crouch down rubbing my fingers over her slit. 'Not to worry', I say stroking her, 'nothing's wrong, you've had a wet dream and rubbed yourself sore, that's all.'

'How do you mean a wet dream' she says guardedly. I smile and lift her up onto the high stool saying, 'Look Jess, as girls like you start to grow up, they occasionally have a sexy dream which makes them want to rub their slitty. I suppose it was your first one and that's why you're sore. Its quite natural, but you just keep it to yourself. Now, I'm going to put some cream on it for you, Ok?'

Jess gazes vacantly, trying to understand.

Spreading her legs apart, I begin to smooth some of the jelly around her slit. 'Your probably a bit sore just here too.' I say, slipping my finger just inside the bright pink lips. Her breath quickens a bit, although no complaint. Carefully I feel for her clit and she utters a tiny sob. Looking her in the eye I say in a level tone, 'Yes it is sore Jess'. Ok it's done now, I say lifting her down, we'll keep an eye on it.'

Leaving her to dress I go to my room in a sweat. Behind the door I savour my first victory over my old foe.

Bingo Night

Ruefully I contemplate on what's past me by as I finish my make up in the full-length mirror.

Although plain-faced, I've been attractively shaped from an early age, but I never dared lead a man on.

I recall some hip older boys in our street; when they begin hanging about to leer at me, 'nice body shame about the face' they taunted.

Foolishly I shunned them. One shy boyfriend later I somehow get caught-out.

I had to go away to have the baby. My teenage years were over.

Since Jess was born I've felt like a nun awaiting Mother Superior's approval.

But not anymore, I'm free of those old repressions now.

Jess can grow up enjoying sex while helping to emancipate her mother!

Leaving my room I cross the landing into Jess's room and carefully turn on the concealed camera that's trained on her bed.

On returning from bingo, all is peaceful with Dan on the sofa watching TV.

A bit later, after making hot chocolate for us both he says goodnight and goes to bed leaving me in the quite to ponder.

When all is still, I make my way up and creep into Jess's room.

Silently I remove the cassette from the camera without disturbing her deep slumber.

I lock my bedroom door. Trembling hands make getting the tape into the player awkward.

All the screen shows at first is her empty room. I spin the tape forward until movement appears.

On normal play, Dan is sat on her bed asking Jess to get into her nighty. Jess is plainly shy saying she always changes in the bathroom. Just for tonight though, Dan wants her to do it in the bedroom. Hesitantly she takes off her shoes and socks, then an embarrassed pause before unbuttoning her dress to let it fall to the floor. Rather than pulling on her nighty Jess is coyly static, while twin pink limpets seemingly make a declaration of intent on her white chest.

'Now your knickers' says Dan quietly.

Keeping her knickers on though, Jess goes to reach for her nightdress. Dan takes hold of her arms and effortlessly lifts her onto his lap.

Without taking my eyes from the screen I reach into my bedside cabinet and fish out my large vibrator. Still transfixed, I start it up.

Jess buries her face in his chest, while her emerging teats are caressed.

Overcoming her initial resistance, he eases her legs apart enough to finger her groin. Jess's response now is one of open invitation. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she spreads her thighs apart. His fingers go beneath the gusset and enter her vagina.

As her excitement builds Jess slides from his lap onto the bed while her pelvis pumps the air aggressively.

She is about to climax; Dan rapidly kneels onto the floor, each of his large hands taking hold of a slim thigh; a single movement hoists her groin up to his mouth.

He munches deep into her hot moist crumpet. The orgasm wracks through me as I watch her writhing in ecstasy with him.

New View Dan

After Jess had gone to bed I'd got into my fancy wrap and lay on the sofa listening to old tunes.

The room had become dark by the time he came in.

Although my presence takes him by surprise his response wins me. 'Hello Princess' he says pecking me on the cheek, 'looking good, expecting a boyfriend?'

I smile up at him. 'Oh, pleased you approve, I've given bingo a miss to have a chat with you instead.'

I pat the sofa next to me invitingly. 'How very curious' he says. He sits next to me saying slowly, 'Something I should know about then Val?'

I catch him in my stare but say with a smile, 'That's odd, I was about to ask you that very question.'

Perplexing him further I kiss him on the lips in a way that daughters shouldn't.

Totally foxed he stares at me before replying, 'How do you mean Val?'

Shifting up to him I put my mouth close to his ear and whisper, 'What did you get up to when you put Jess to bed last night?'

After a long stony silence he replies in a tone respectful of the topic's confidentiality, 'How do you mean, what happened with her Val?'

Relishing my emerging power I calmly continue, 'Well ... when she got up she complained that her fanny was sore, and to me, it looked like she had spent an evening in the back row of the cinema. Now, what am I to make of that Dan?

He was looking intently at me now, trying to gauge my position, wondering how to play it.

Defensively he says, 'Well, I can't explain it, but I'm sure it's just a one off; believe me Val.'

I let him hang there suspended for several seconds before releasing the tension.

Reverting to a girlish pout, I begin unbuttoning his shirt 'If I though for a moment you had another princess, I would be very upset ... but I'm sure you know that' ... I place my hand in, smoothing his chest... 'now why don't we just kiss and make up.' I look invitingly into his eyes then put my lips to his.

He softly gasps, comprehending my offer. We kiss; soft exploring kisses. His hands go hesitantly round my waist and tug me. I instantly melt against him.

Now our kiss has passion causing my lust to surge.

Pulling from his embrace, my wrap parts, rendering me semi-naked.

His hands move ravenously over my body, momentarily fulfilling an old yearning.

I will need lots of him; and I will have it all, but not now, ... later.

I firmly eased him away and began tidying myself up

That was how it all started with Jess, Dan and me. Quite innocently in a way, but as time went on things developed in ways that shaped our futures.

A new freedom had arrived and it had begun changing my routine life. In a few years it would forged me into a successful businesswoman.

Till now the road has been dark and narrow but bright motorway lights ahead of the Mercedes promise me a familiar route home. With the glare of an approaching junction, the events I'm immersed in quickly dissolve.

Later though, alone in my room with a bottle of brandy at my side, I recall more from those murky days; erotic events, driven perhaps by a heady sixties counter-culture

Chapter 2

Coming Quietly

I had been anticipating this moment most of the day but I was still so nervous.

Jess was drying off from her shower before pulling on her nightdress.

As casually as possible, I kneel on one knee before her saying, 'Now lets see if this cream has been working; sit you down and spread your legs pet'.

Fortunately she obliges and my fingers probe into her. Her parted slit reveals a proud little clitoris. Its sheer nakedness excites me. I begin smoothing it with cream. Her thighs and tummy tense; with a sharp intake of breath she shuts her eyes on the flood of pleasure.

Realising I have control of her I don't stop, just sooth her with some soft words.

I can feel her cunt contracting. 'Nearly done Jess' I whisper frigging her furiously.

I'm hot with anticipation. With the cream and her juices frothing together, I add, 'Is it still a bit sore pet?'

But she's lost in a silent bliss, her body shuddering in climax.

Coming Brutally

Leaving Jess asleep, I go to my own room.

Dan is lying patiently on my bed in the boxer shorts I'd got him.

I undo my dressing gown and letting it fall to the floor say, 'Sorry I took so long with Jess Dan, but she's ok now'.

Seeing his defensive look, I slide up next to him and boldly feel over his crotch. I've ached to see and feel it.

'So ... Does daddy still have what it takes to satisfy a girl? I say coyly.

But the tease is on me; it feels like a cucumber and any remaining cool I have is lost to desire.

I pull the pants down and take hold of the brutal implement in wonderment. 'Jesus' I whisper to myself.

Propping myself into a half sitting position, I get my mouth over the glistening plum-head of his cock and work on it for all I'm worth.

Ecstasy is quickly joined by urgency as I realise I'm about to receive his load.

Pulling swiftly away, I'm on my back, legs spread, arched for him. In panic I cry, 'In me Dan, in me!

And he did. The entire length of his hard shaft slid through my throbbing entrance, reaching deep into my vagina. We came instantly in a great lunge together. Ecstatically I screeched as he pumped his slime deep within me.

Chapter 3

Mothers Chores

It can be surprising when going back over things, to realise a particular event in life proved pivotal; even more so if they occurred mundanely.

A Tuesday morning for instance, the quietest day of the week for the chore of shopping, so I'm across town to Sainsburys. My peaceful amble round the aisles is interrupted when I bump into Monica, an old school friend.

She natters on while I do the nodding. She seems to have a glamorous sort of life; she's shopping now for her trendy house party; to my surprise she invites me.

After I promise to be there, she eventually leaves me to my groceries.

When I get home Jess is in front of the telly in just her knickers and tee-shirt. Over her shoulder, without even taking her eyes off the screen she calls 'Dan rang to say he will be home tonight for the weekend. Why don't he read me a bedtime story again?'

Instead of inventing an explanation, I correct her grammar. 'Why doesn't, not why don't.' I retort, proceeding to the kitchen.

I start to put the shopping away before the frozen things began defrosting.

'I had one of those wet dreams again mum' she was right by my side.

'Did you darling, I say casually with my head in the freezer, was it a nice one?' She continued, 'Yes and I'm not sore as before. I rubbed only the inside of my pussy; was that right?' Turning round to her, I smile maternally saying, 'That's good Jess; you've got the hang of it now. Just keep it private to yourself and it'll be OK.' Her following question underlines her track and quite annoys me. 'Mum, do you think Dan could read to me in bed this weekend?' Giving her arse a slap I scold her, 'I'll tell you what madam, If you don't get dressed for dance class now, you'll be to late to go at all!

While she was upstairs changing I ruminated over my coffee and kicking my shoes off laid back into the sofa. It was clear she was a girl with a growing need but I had to put a stop to the threat of her seeking it from Dan.

He, was mine. I had to nip things in the bud with Jess, ... surely there's another way to cool the bitch down periodically.

Monica's Party

Pouring another large brandy I pull out one of my choice R&B albums. It's unmistakable sound revives the restive mood that prevailed at the time of Monica's party.

We had been in the same year at Barnet Grammar, but there the similarities ended. Monica was already married and had a posh house. Unlike me, she did not have a child, but a career in local government, oh, and lots of exciting friends.

I had been looking forward to Monica's party evening but it didn't turn out good for me. My first surprise was the absence of men, including Monica's husband. Most of the girls were in the bright new mini dresses, sporting Dusty Springfield hairdos.

I'd felt almost prim in my new cream trouser-suit. Monica had circulated through the kitchen, offering refills of red or white, and asking us to all go into the lounge.

It was all very daring. O K, we all new about vibrators and love balls, but an irreverent and rebellious attitude had been in the air. Many girls there began behaving like whores.

I had tried to join in the fun but it was all a bit crass and not what I had envisaged.

In less than an hour the Monica's party had degenerated into a distasteful rabble. Monica was a good hostess though, accepting my early exit with good grace. She saw me out, handing me a party bag with the items I had been pressed into buying but I came away feeling socially isolated. Frissons of my schooldays, of being looked upon as priggish; followed me home.

Farewell My Lovely

With the darker evenings she likes to read in her room as she is now. I was under the shower when she came into the bathroom and began brushing her teeth.

'I'm just finished Jess so its all yours', I say stepping out naked in front of her.