Chapter 8

If you have never been in a Psychiatric Hospital, then I need to explain the routine. They wake you up at 7:00; Breakfast is 7:30 to 8:15; Then you have group, quiet time (3 hours total) and lunch, activity, group, more quiet time, and then supper. After supper is usually free time and the time you talk to the in house doctor (at least in this hospital). When I woke up that morning I had no idea where I was or what was going on. I didn't know that most new patients are put on 5 minuet qt (checks). I was restrained to a movable bed in the main room until I woke up. I was told I was under restraint because they didn't know if I would go ballistic, not knowing where I was and might hurt myself or someone else when I woke up.

I found out later about this next part and to be honest it still pisses me off. The night before, after all of the psychological testing, as I was talking to the psychologist I was given a drink. Considering I had been there for quite a while and I was thirsty, I drank the entire thing down. There was a light sedative in that drink which started working as we left. We stopped for dinner and my own father put the rest of the sedative in the drink I had with dinner. That's why I wasn't awake for admittance and why I was so confused when I woke up.

Though I seemingly adapted well to being in a hospital it was all an act. I hated being there and I hated the medications they tried to get me to take. (I found out later that it was good I didn't take them but that is for another time.) But most of all ... I missed Hope.

Hope ... my poor Hope. What will she do without me there? I don't want to loose her. I love her. Why can't I see my Hope? I started crying and I cried really hard. The staff heard me and was afraid I would disturb the rest of the crazies so they gave me a shot against my will, another sedative.

Five point restraints are interesting to say the least. They cuff you with leather straps on the hands and the feet, each locked off to a different part of the bed. The last point is a strap that goes around the forehead; I've been told this restraint is to keep the patient from biting others or banging his head. Since I have never demonstrated aggressive behavior toward my self or others I didn't see the point in restraints. I found out later that hospital policy said nothing about restraining someone who has never demonstrated aggressive behavior. This should have been my first clue that not all was what it seems.

Each time I was restrained I was sedated, and each time my mind got quieter and quieter until I didn't even hear my own thoughts any more. Two weeks - two weeks I've been here and they were successful. I have become a robot of their insane society. December 20th I was finally released from my prison, I was allowed to walk among the free world again but Hope was nowhere to be found."