Chapter 6

November 23, 2004

Dear Jessica,

I was surprised ... no astonished to get your letter after all this time. I really never expected to hear from you again. I'm sorry this letter was so long in coming but it took at least a month to catch up to me and then before I got a chance to respond, I was called away for a couple of weeks.

I hope you are doing well.

And now to the hard part...

I was equally astonished when you told me that you had never stopped loving me and that you missed me every day. I have to admit it was a good thing I was in the field and got a chance to think about your letter and how I would respond, otherwise I might have said some things that were unkind.

For a year we had a mostly wonderful relationship, maybe it was less than that ... perhaps it could be called a love affair or even infatuation. We discovered at least for awhile that opposites do attract. Unfortunately our infatuation, or perhaps just lust, could not sustain us. We both wanted other things and I think as we looked to the future we did not see it together.

When you say you never stopped loving me, I think you are mistaken ... perhaps you never stopped loving Matt O'Connell — although with the nature of our final parting that statement strains credulity.

Regardless...

That boy who you say you love or loved no longer exists. He died in Iraq a year or so ago. I think it best if you think of him that way. I'm sure in his last days he forgave you. Now he is never coming home to you, his parents or anyone else.

There is a man named Matt O'Connell but he is not your Matt O'Connell. He is a Marine NCO who has embraced the profession of arms. He has a face the color of mahogany and crows feet from spending too much time in the sun and wind. He rarely smiles. His family is The Corps. I don't think you would much like him.

Jessica, please do not persist with this pipe dream. Move on with your life. Matt O'Connell is gone and will not be back.

Your photo shows a beautiful young woman who could earn the love of any man. Go find that special man who is right for you. Matt O'Connell died ... let him rest. Find your own happiness.

Matt

I remembered sitting in a quiet room in that giant hospital typing those words ... my soul blackened by its recent brush with death, I had no room for forgiveness or kind words. Somehow I just wanted to communicate the pain I was feeling.

I looked at the letter. I wished Jessica had burned it. It was a eulogy for Matt O'Connell and for the love we once shared. It seemed so long ago.

Suddenly I felt tired. It was as if the weariness in my bones from all those months and years of turmoil and death had come home to roost. I sat heavily on Jessica's bed and just stared at the photos on the wall — Matt O'Connell, from fresh faced recruit to an old man of twenty-eight as platoon leader who's every action affected 42 lives.

I was done with the Corps. My recent escapade in Syria had resulted in a written reprimand. The commanding general had apologized when he gave it to me and assured me it would not ever see the light of day in my official records. He did tell me though that perhaps my time was over since as long as I remained in the Corps, "those bastards in the State Department will dog your steps ... They don't like Marines who point out the emperor has no clothes."

So in six or seven months I would be a civilian again ... ripped from my family. The enormity of that washed over me.

Carolyn sat next to me and put her arms around me. The feel and smell of her was a balm for my weary body and soul. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to. She knew me well as friend and lover.

I didn't dare allow myself to wallow in this pointless self pity. By dumb luck or divine intervention I had ended up on this snowy night just before Christmas, in this house with this family.

I looked at Carolyn. Her beautiful face was full of concern.

"Just a bit tired is all ... must be getting old."

She touched the side of my face, knowing full well that wasn't all, but she let it go.

I looked at her. I still held the letter.

"Maybe Jessica and I should burn this letter together."

"I think that would be appropriate."

"Matt..."

"Is there something more Carolyn?" Wondering if she wanted to talk about us.

"What now?"

"You mean "what now" about Jessica?"

"No Matt ... I know the answer to that. I see how she looks at you and you at her. It's only a matter of getting the preacher here. That's settled."

"Do you really think so Carolyn? Jessica is ... well she's now an adult and a successful business woman ... do you really think she would want to drop everything and follow me around?"

"Matt ... my sweet Matt ... She's your woman. She'll happily go where you go. I know my daughter. One other thing ... and she probably wants to tell you this herself but now's as good a time as any ... she wears your engagement ring on a chain around her neck."

"What?"

"Not long after your breakup she told me about her ring. After she had gone to your apartment and discovered you had moved out and probably were not coming back, she went back to where the party was and frantically searched the back yard. She spent two hours on her hands and knees. She finally found it. She told me she immediately put it on ... but she couldn't bear to look at it. It represented her stupidity and immaturity she said ... so she kept it in her jewelry box. When she came back from Guatemala she bought a gold chain to wear it on. As far as I know she's never taken it off since."

Women as unfathomable creatures never ceased to amaze me. I smiled at her and shook my head.

"Guess it's time to call the preacher."

Carolyn hugged me.

"Matt you never had a chance. Once Jessica found out you would be home this Christmas she conspired with Joyce and Beth to set up a meeting. She planned to drive to Decatur on Christmas morning and drag you off and ravage you if need be ... well actually she didn't say ravage ... the term was much cruder." Carolyn giggled.

"So my showing up at Macy's a couple of days ahead of time was just icing on the cake ... so to speak."

"Yes, dear Matt ... you'll find our new Jessica a very determined woman. One of her coworkers calls her "The pushy broad".

"I think I can guess which one." I laughed

"Since Jessica and I are a foregone conclusion ... the "what now?" question, has to be about my plans ... or in other words ... am I going to stay in the Marines forever and have you and Jessica worry about me?"

Carolyn's expression changed.

"Matt ... when ... when Beth sent the email that they had been notified you had been wounded in Iraq Jessica was extremely upset. Tom called an old friend who's in Congress to find out exactly where you were being treated, because even your dad and mom couldn't find out ... plus they had no clue about your injuries other than a cryptic message from Headquarters Marine Corps that said, "currently your wounds are not life threatening." That was bull shit!"

I looked at her - surprised at the heat in her voice.

"Sorry ... but don't you see that could have meant anything. I ... we were very worried. The next bit of news wasn't much better; we finally got a doctor's report, "extensive shrapnel wounds.""

"Jessica was all set to fly to Bethesda and take care of you herself when we heard you were about to be released. So Jessica called Beth and Joyce and they planned the Christmas Day reunion."

During this discussion Carolyn griped my hands tightly as she relived those days. Hell, it sounded to me like she and Jessica and my family had taken it harder than the guy who actually had the "extensive shrapnel wounds".

I thought about my stay at Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland. Jessica's arrival could have been awkward to say the least. I tried to imagine the scene... "Melissa meet Jessica, who broke up with me before I went to Iraq the first time." "Jessica, meet Melissa who I broke up with before going to Iraq the second time..."

Melissa was an attorney and a congressional staffer and her olive complexion and dark eyed beauty was a stark contrast to Jessica's Nordic looks.