Lost & Found
Copyright© 2007 by Douglas Fox
Romantic Sex Story: Chapter 37 - Kyle Martin goes to PSU seeking football glory. Read about his successes, failures and excesses as he tries to find his place in the world
[Writer's note: This chapter contains some very blunt language as Kyle wrestles with his feelings after his encounter with Mark the previous evening. Please do not turn away because of the frank, homophobic comments Kyle makes initially. Please have faith in the decency and overall compassion of the character as he tries to sort out in his head what happened.]
I woke up around 6:30 on Sunday morning, stiff, sore and cold from sleeping on the study room floor. I shuffled down the hall to the bathroom to relieve myself of some of the large quantity of beer I had consumed last evening. The hanger was still on the door to my room, so I went back to the study room.
I sat down on one of the chairs in the lounge and flipped on the TV. I watched a couple anchors prattle on about March Madness, only half way paying attention.
I brooded about last night as I sat there. Why had Mark come to the totally mistaken impression that I would have anything what-so-ever to do with gay sex and would allow a guy to stuff his cock up my backside? Not that there is anything wrong with being gay ... BUT I'M NOT A FUCKING HOMO!
I found out years ago when Penny and I explored each other's bodies how pleasant it was for her to finger my asshole, massage my prostate and give me a rim job. I never felt conflicted in any way when I did that with her, with Julie, with Kelly or with Jen. It was just another way to make your partner happy.
I spent a third of my life in locker rooms with semi-naked and naked guys. That didn't turn me on. I heard all manner of crude jokes about fags and queers. I'd told a few myself. What did taking a cock up the ass mean?
The thing I knew and hated to admit was ... what Mark did felt good. I didn't expect it to or want it to feel good ... but it did. Did this make me gay?
I brooded and mulled over these thoughts, barely paying attention to the blathering anchors on the TV. I fell asleep without reaching any resolution or finding comfort.
"Kyle?" a voice asked. I shook my head to try to clear my mind. "Kyle, are you all right?" I opened my eyes to see Christian staring at me.
"What time is it?" I asked groggily.
"It's 9:30 in the morning," Christian answered. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah, I'm OK," I responded.
"Did you sleep out here?" Christian asked.
"Damian was entertaining a lady last night," I explained. "I left Kelly's room when Jen came back. I didn't have anywhere else to go, so I slept here."
"You look awful, Kyle," Christian said. "I'm meeting Bev at the Mix in a few minutes. Why don't you catch an hour or two of sleep in my bed? It would be good for you."
"Wouldn't I disturb, G. J.?" I asked.
"No, he is at mass right now," Christian responded. "He and his girl are going downtown after that for brunch. He won't be back for hours."
"Sleeping in a real bed would be nice," I admitted. "Thanks for the offer. You're a true friend, Christian."
"This is what friends do," Christian replied. "You don't need to thank me."
I got up and followed Christian down the hall to his room. "Make yourself comfortable. Bev and I are going to brunch right after church, so we won't be back until a quarter to one or one o'clock."
"Thanks, man," I replied. "I appreciate this."
I closed the curtains in the room and I stripped off my wrinkled and sweaty clothes and lay down in my boxers. I went back to sleep almost immediately.
I slept for hours. My watch said it was 12:17 pm when I finally woke up. I knew Kelly would be worrying about me so I called her immediately.
"Kyle! Thank god," Kelly exclaimed when she heard my voice. "All of us have been so worried about you. No one knew where you went last night. Damian said you didn't sleep at your room. What happened?"
"Melanie spent the night with Damian," I answered. "I slept in the study lounge so they could have some privacy."
"Jay looked there for you," Kelly said. "I really started to worry when no one could find you. You didn't answer your cell phone either."
"I guess my batteries died," I explained. "Christian saw me around 9:30 this morning. He let me use his bed when he went to church."
"Thank God! I was afraid something bad might have happened to you," Kelly exclaimed.
Like getting fucked in the ass by a queer? I left that thought unvoiced. "I haven't showered yet," I said. 'Why don't I call you after I get cleaned up? We can get some lunch."
"That sounds like a plan, Kyle," Kelly agreed.
I took a shower and headed over to Pollock Commons to meet Kelly. She gave me a hug and a kiss when she saw me.
"I was so worried about you, Kyle," Kelly exclaimed as she squeezed me.
I returned the kiss and said, "Sorry I left so quick last night."
Kelly laughed as she let go of me. "Left quick?" Kelly asked. "I think it was more like you stormed out."
The thought hit me. I left my naked girlfriend with that Mark character minutes after he had fucked her. What in the hell was I thinking last night?
I snapped, "I'm sure you and Jen had fun with Mark after I left."
Kelly's jaw dropped and she stared at me in disbelief. "How could you say something like that, Kyle?" she asked. "Mark left a couple minutes after you. I would NEVER do something like you are implying."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," I replied.
"I presumed our rules for threesomes applied last night to the foursome," Kelly said. "I would not do anything with Mark after you left."
We were at the head of line in the cafeteria, so we gathered our food in awkward silence. We found an empty table away from most people. That was best for continuing this discussion.
Kelly spoke first. "Mark is so sorry about what happened," Kelly explained. "Is it OK if he calls you? He wants to apologize for his mistake."
"Yeah, some mistake," I growled.
"I understood what you had in mind last night, Kyle," Kelly said. "I was looking forward to seeing what it feels like to get sandwiched between two big hard guys. Mark didn't know that is what you wanted."
"I certainly didn't want in the middle," I grumbled.
"Of course you didn't, sweetie," Kelly replied soothingly.
"I am not gay!" I responded.
"I would think not," Kelly agreed. "Mark feels horrible about all this. Is it all right if he calls you and apologizes? He doesn't want this to hurt his friendship with you. He values that too much."
I was still very pissed off about what Mark did last night but Kelly was so earnest in wanting me to put this sorry episode behind me that I agreed.
"Yeah, I'll talk to Mark if he calls me," I allowed quietly.
That satisfied Kelly. She turned the conversation to other topics like everything was settled. I tried not to be too disagreeable. I had a long way to go before I could say, 'Oh, you stuck a cock up my ass. No big deal. No harm, no foul.' I'm not sure I can get over this that easily. I chose to keep my mouth shut. I didn't need to bring Kelly down with my black mood.
I went through the motions as Kelly and I did our usual Sunday afternoon rituals – reading the newspaper together, keeping in touch with friends and family via e-mail, and sharing each other's company. I tried to keep a cheerful front up but black ugly thoughts kept going through my head.
I took a cock up the backside like a fucking queer! It felt good too. What in the hell did that mean? I tried to work it out but I had no answers.
Mark Armstrong called later in the afternoon. Mark's apology was so abject and heart felt that I had to accept it. After all he hadn't intended to hurt me or force me into anything I didn't want to do. It was a misunderstanding. Kelly was pleased when I hung up after talking with Mark.
Over the course of the next few days I tried to put what happened Saturday night out of my mind. I made my classes. I did my homework. I spent time with Kelly as usual. I attended practices and did my workouts. Jay, Chip, Damian and I worked on passing after practice to hone our skills. This week Jibril, Tanner and Christian asked to work with us too.
I came to some conclusions as I worked through my concerns over what had happened last Saturday night. I gradually accepted that Mark was sincere in his repeated apologies. He hadn't meant me any harm. It was a misunderstanding. Kelly was concerned about my bad mood and did her best to bring me out of it.
One issue wouldn't go away. I had taken a guy's cock up my ass. That wasn't a fact that I wanted anyone to find out. I knew Mark, Jen and Kelly would be discrete. Still, it had happened. Worst of all, it felt good when Mark did it. I was supposed to feel grossed out at the thought. That is how guys are supposed to feel about gay things like butt fucking. Why in the hell had I liked it?
Kelly wasn't the only one to notice how quiet and introspective I had been. Damian repeatedly asked me if I was OK. I always told him I was fine. At various times Anders, Jay, Christian and Trevor also asked how I was. They all got the same answer as Damian.
I was working out at the Lasch Building Thursday after dinner when I bumped into Zack. Zack tried to strike up a conversation. I was uncommunicative. Zack tried to draw me out without success. I assured my buddy that I was fine and just had a lot to think about. Zack accepted my explanation.
Kelly and I went downtown on our own Friday night without our frequent companions – Jen and Mark or Trevor and Stephanie. Kelly treated me to dinner at Spats and a movie. She called it our own Sadie Hawkins Day.
Kelly and I spent the night in her room. We had sex but it wasn't up to our usual passion. I couldn't get the memories of Mark pressed on top of me last Saturday night as he rutted in my ass from my head as I fucked Kelly. I came too soon to bring my girlfriend off. I went down on her so she could enjoy an orgasm too. I begged off and said I was too tired for a second time when Kelly asked.
Saturday's scrimmage was a disaster for me. It would have looked like an April Fool's joke except it was on April 2nd, not the 1st. I dropped the first three passes Chip sent my way. I didn't see the ball a lot after that. I misjudged a punt, handled it poorly and fumbled it. The punt team scored a touchdown on it. Coach Ferguson chewed my ass out for that bone headed play. I was relieved when the scrimmage hit the second half and the younger guys played. I stayed in the back along the sidelines out of peoples' way until we were done.
Kelly and I had lunch together and then I headed for one sanctuary where no one bothered me – the Natatorium. I lifeguarded until five o'clock. It left me time to think more about my dilemma.
I had gay sex, albeit briefly. Maybe I could live with that. The thing that bothered me more was the fact that it felt good when Mark fucked my ass. Was I gay? Were all my attempts to build permanent relationships with Penny, then Julie and now Kelly a way to seem straight the way the world expected me to be? Was I overcompensating with all the sex I had with women when I really wanted to be with men?
I had wrestled with that question all week. Another four hours sitting on the lifeguard stand and pondering it had added $48 to my paycheck but hadn't provided answers.
Kelly suggested we go downtown for dinner but I pleaded poverty. That was mostly true. The main reason I didn't want to go out was I didn't feel like running into crowds and fans. The dining hall was quieter on a Saturday night. Kelly and I separated and went back to our own rooms to shower and clean up for Zack's party.
Kelly and I headed over to Zack's party around eight o'clock. Partiers were arriving when we got there. Kelly and I headed for the kitchen to get a drink. Kelly grabbed her usual beer. I decided I was in the mood for something different so I poured myself a double shot of vodka.
I was content to sit and listen to music. Kelly coaxed me into mingling with the other guests. I didn't have much to say that night. I went back for a couple refills on the vodka as the evening went on. I was getting my fourth double shot when Kelly headed to the bathroom around 9:30.
I didn't make it to the kitchen. Zack and Anders intercepted me. "Come on," Zack commanded. "We're going for a walk."
"What about Kelly?" I asked. I knew something was up. This wasn't a social call. My friends were all business. They also had their coats on.
"Kelly knows we are going out for a bit," Anders answered. Zack handed me my sweatshirt. I followed Zack out the front door followed by Anders. We walked for a minute or two towards the Lasch Building and the stadium. Unsurprisingly the area was deserted on a Saturday night.
"What is going on with you, Kyle?" Zack asked when we were past the last of the Nittany Apartments. "You have been surly and avoiding people all week."
"I'm fine," I insisted. "Really, I'm fine."
"Bullshit!" Zack exclaimed.
"And you sucked rocks today at the scrimmage," Anders added.
"I've never seen you play worse football than this morning," Zack said. "What is going on? All you friends are worried about you."
"I have something I need to work out," I admitted.
"Something happened last Saturday night, didn't it?" Anders asked. "You've been in a funk since Sunday morning when Kelly called me trying to find out where you went Saturday night. What happened?"
"Did you get drunk and do something stupid?" Zack asked. "You didn't show up at my party. Did something happen at another party? Are you in trouble with the police or campus security?"
"No, it's nothing like that," I replied. "I did go to Sigma Tau's party last Saturday night with Kelly's roommate Jen and her boyfriend. We drank a little but we weren't fall down drunk. We went back to Kelly's room. Kelly and I had sex. I headed back to my dorm. Damian was entertaining so I crashed in the study lounge. That's it."
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Zack demanded.
"Did you and Kelly have problems in bed?" Ander asked. "Did you have trouble getting it up?"
"I did not have trouble getting it up," I replied. "My sex life is none of your damned business. I have some things I need to figure out and I need to do it on my own."
"We're your friends," Zack said. "You can talk about almost anything with Anders and me. It stays with us. What is going on?"
"Almost?" I replied. "There are a few things that I really can't talk about with you guys. You have to let me deal with it."
"You're doing a damn poor job dealing with it now," Zack responded. "You have Kelly worried sick about you. Your friends are concerned. Why can't you talk to us?"
"It not something guys can discuss," I answered. "It just isn't."
"If you have problems to work out maybe it would help you to talk to a psychologist down at Ritnour," Zack suggested.
"I don't need a shrink," I declared.
"You need something," Zack replied. "You won't talk to your friends about your problem. You won't talk to your girlfriend. You need somebody."
"Residential Life has a peer counseling program, Kyle," Anders suggested. "You would sit down anonymously and privately with a student trained in counseling. It is all strictly confidential. No records of any kind are kept. Would you be willing to try that Kyle?"
"You need something, buddy," Zack added. "You need to get whatever is going on off your chest."
I didn't love the prospect of talking with a stranger about what I was feeling but that was less daunting than admitting it to my close friends. Zack and Anders were right. I wasn't getting anywhere trying to resolve my problem on my own.
"OK, I guess I can do that," I admitted. "How do I contact this peer counselor?"
"I will get you a phone number to call," Anders replied. "Do you want to go back to the dorms with me now so you can call or do you want the number tomorrow morning?"
"I've survived the week," I said. "I think I can last until tomorrow."
"You can," Zack agreed. " ... as long as you knock it off with the double shots of vodka. I don't want a repeat of two weeks ago."
"I'll stick to sodas tonight," I promised. The three of us walked back down the street to Zack's apartment together. Just the prospect of someone to help me with my dilemma improved my mood a little.
I grabbed a soda from the kitchen while Zack and Anders briefed Kelly about my decision to go to counseling. Kelly gave me a hug and a kiss when I came back out to the living room.
"I'm glad you listened to Zack and Anders," Kelly said. "I don't understand what is bothering you. Your friends and I just want to help you any way we can."
"I don't know if it will help," I replied. "I'll give this counseling a try."
"That's good, Kyle," Kelly said. "I hope this helps you."
We went back to mingling with our friends. My mood wasn't quite as sour as before. The prospect of having someone to help me while I wrestled with my torment comforted me. I stayed with sodas the rest of the night. Kelly had a couple more beers before we left.
Kelly was a little tipsy when we headed back to her room. It was good I was there to help her out. We made out a little after we stripped for bed. I begged off having sex. I simply wasn't in mood. Kelly accepted that. We cuddled until we fell asleep.
Anders caught up with me Sunday afternoon at my room while Kelly and I were reading the Philadelphia Inquirer. He gave me the peer counseling call-in phone number. I put it aside and went back to reading my section of paper. Kelly insisted I call right away.
A pleasant sounding guy answered the phone on the third ring. He introduced himself as Tom. He asked me for a fictitious name that he could use for me while we talked. I chose 'Dave', my middle name. Tom tried to draw out my reason for calling while we were on the phone. I wasn't very revealing with Kelly sitting across the room from me. Tom finally suggested we meet in fifteen minutes in the student lounge in the HUB. I agreed.
Kelly left a few minutes later so I could head over to the HUB. I had one problem with the whole anonymous thing with the counselor. I had one of the most recognizable faces on campus. I hadn't gotten a hair cut in awhile so I pulled it back and tied it in a miniature queue in back. I brushed the hair on the sides behind my ears. I put on a Penn State ball cap and my sunglasses. I checked myself in the mirror. I wouldn't be completely recognizable, at least if people didn't look at me too closely.
I found a guy in the back corner of the upstairs lounge in the HUB as expected. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you Tom?"
"Dave?" he asked as he nodded that he was Tom.
"That's me, ' I agreed.
"Is this private enough, Dave?" Tom asked. "This part of the HUB usually deserted this time of day on a Sunday."
I looked around the lounge. There probably weren't more than ten people in the huge room. The nearest was a girl that was fifty feet away absorbed in the book she was reading.
"Yeah, this will do," I replied. Tom indicated for me to have a seat.
"What seems to be on your mind, Dave?" Tom asked politely. "You can get comfortable. Take your hat, coat and sunglasses off." He gave me a wink. "The sunlight isn't that dazzling in here, is it?"
"Um ... I'll keep them on, if you don't mind," I replied. "This is supposed to be anonymous. I have a face that people recognize."
"OK, that's fine, Dave," Tom answered. "What prompted the call to the peer counseling help line?"
"Some of my friends thought I could use someone to talk to," I responded.
"Why do they think that?" Tom asked.
"Well ... I guess because of an incident last Saturday night," I explained. "My girlfriend, her roommate, the roommate's boyfriend and I went to a frat party..."
" ... got drunk and?" Tom interjected.
"You've heard this before?" I asked.
Tom chuckled and answered, "Nearly every weekend. Tell me about this incident."
I proceeded to explain about the party, Kelly and I returning to her room and getting interrupted by Jen and Mark while we were having sex. Tom was very good at drawing information from me.
I had learned some things about counseling when I had leadership training in scouts. He used open ended questions to get the information from me. I was uncomfortable talking about all of this but Tom coaxed the story from me piece by piece.
Tom seemed mildly surprised when I explained about including Jen and Mark in a four way. He interrupted me as I was explaining.
"Was getting involved in group sex what you want to talk about?" Tom asked. "Is that upsetting to you?"
"Only indirectly," I explained. "I have had group sex before, with my girlfriend and her roommate. It was before she started dating her current boyfriend."
"Adding a guy to the mix, is that what is troubling you?" Tom asked.
"Yeah," I admitted. "Yeah, that's why I'm here."
Tom continued asking probing questions. I talked about Mark and me getting naked together, having sex with our girlfriends near each other and then us swapping girlfriends for sex. Tom asked me how I felt about each of these things.
I explained about Andy and I having sex in the same room in adjoining beds when Tom asked if I was comfortable in with another guy in a sexual situation. I also told him about my three-ways with Ed and Jessie and also with Brandon and Penny. I wasn't upset about having sex with another naked guy nearby.
I told him I wasn't wild about Mark having sex with Kelly but I could live with it since I was present and a willing participant in the sharing. This perplexed Tom.
"We've been talking for forty minutes, David," Tom said. "You did some pretty heavy, emotional things last Saturday night. You claim you are OK with being naked around another guy during sex and you're OK with swapping girlfriends. Forgive me for being blunt, but what the hell is wrong? Are you being honest about your feelings?"
"I think I am," I replied.
"How did things end that night?" Tom asked, clearly getting exasperated with me.
My face turned red and I hung my head. I wondered to myself if I really wanted to admit how things ended.
"David, what happened at the end?" Tom asked quietly. "This is what is upsetting you, isn't it?" I nodded yes. He put his hand on my shoulder and asked, "Can you look at me, David? I'm here to help, no matter what it is."
I took a deep breath and let it out. Tom had understood and been non-judgmental the whole time I explained about the kinky things that happened that night. He didn't know me. What did I have to lose telling him the rest of the story?
"Mark had..." I said quietly. "He had ... sex..." I needed another deep breath to continue. " ... with me."
"Have you had gay sex before?" Tom asked.
"No," I replied.
"How do you feel about having sex with another guy?" Tom asked.
"How do you think I feel about it?" I asked crossly. "I'm not a fucking queer!"
My sudden burst of temper surprised Tom. "I assume you didn't consent to having sex with um ... what's the boyfriend's name ... Mark?" he asked.
"Hell no!" I snapped. I realized as soon as I answered the question that I forget and mentioned Mark's name. This was supposed to be anonymous. Why did I get so angry with that question? "I'm sorry I got mad."
"That's to be expected, David," Tom replied evenly. "It is common with rape victims."
"Rape?" I answered, anger flashing in my eyes again. "I was NOT raped!"
"You gave consent for Mark to uh..." Tom replied. "Maybe we need to be more clinical. What exactly happened between you and Mark? Did he give you fellatio or anal intercourse?"
I felt my face flushing with embarrassment again as I replied quietly, "Anal."
"You didn't consent to having anal intercourse with Mark?" Tom asked.
"No," I replied. "Definitely not."
"David, it is normal to feel the way that you do about what happened to you," Tom said. "It is very common for rape victims to deny it. It is part of your mind's coping mechanism with the trauma. You are hurt. You're angry. You're supposed feel like you do."
"It's wasn't rape," I insisted. "It was a misunderstanding."
"David, could I make a suggestion?" Tom asked. I nodded yes. "We are getting a little out of my depth here with what we are discussing. You would be able to get more help if you called the Rape Crisis Line."
"I wasn't raped," I insisted again.
"Mark forced you into anal intercourse without your consent," Tom said. He stared at me waiting for a response. After a few seconds I nodded in agreement. "That is a text book definition of rape. The Crisis Line is better equipped to help you than I am. Please give them a call." Tom handed me a card from his wallet.
"What happened was a misunderstanding, Tom," I explained. "It wasn't rape."
"I'm trained in peer counseling techniques, David," Tom replied. "I think you will do better giving the Crisis Line a call. They can help you sort out your feelings about what happened much better than I can. Please consider calling them."
"I guess," I agreed after a couple more minutes of encouragement from Tom. "I can give it a try. Thanks for taking time to talk with me."
"That's no problem, David," Tom replied. "Give the Crisis Line a call. They will be able to help more. You can give me a call too, if you think it'll help."
I headed back to my room from the HUB. I thought about what Tom had said about rape. I didn't feel like that was what had happened between Mark and me. I had learned from health class in high school and the various briefings here that rape was more about power than about sex. Mark wasn't abusing me or trying to coerce me. It was just miscommunication about what we wanted to do that evening.
Kelly met me at Pollock Commons after I returned. We had dinner in privacy thanks to the early hour. None of our friends were there yet. Kelly was equally horrified as me at Tom's description of what happened last Saturday as being rape. Neither of us wanted anything bad to happen to Mark. He hadn't meant any harm when it happened.
The two of us talked things through over dinner. Kelly recommended that I call the Rape Crisis Line and ask questions without getting into names or specific details. I called as soon as we got back to Kelly's room. She stayed with me for moral support.
"Rape Crisis Line," the voice said when I called. "May I have your name?"
"Um ... could I just ask a question first?" I asked. The lady on the crisis line agreed.
"If two people were in the middle of sex and things escalate..." I said.
"Can you be more specific?" the lady asked.
"You're in the middle of intercourse," I explained. " ... and a guy starts into anal sex. Would it be rape if he stopped as soon as the partner said to stop?"
"How far did you go with the girl?" the lady asked. "Was there penetration?"
"This is a hypothetical question," I insisted. "The guy pulled out immediately after the partner said to stop. That isn't rape is it under those circumstances, is it?"
"Not necessarily if you ... uh, he stopped immediately," the lady said. "You should have the girl contact us. This can be traumatic for her even if you ... uh, he stopped immediately."
"I'll pass that advice along," I said before I hung up the phone. I didn't like the way the call went at all. The lady on the phone was determined to make me the aggressor in this problem. She didn't seem at all helpful.
Kelly and I talked about the phone call. We took encouragement from the lady's statement that it may not have been rape since Mark pulled out as soon as I told him to stop. Still, the call wasn't satisfactory to helping me resolve my conflicted feelings. That was apparent to Kelly too. She encouraged me to call Tom again to see if he would talk further. I called Tom and got his voice mail.
I headed over to the Lasch Building after that to do my daily workout. I had time to think while I worked out. I had been purposely vague with the rape crisis lady. I hadn't been entirely forthcoming with Tom either. Could either of them help me if I hid the thing that bothered me most about this problem? I decided I would confide in Tom about my feelings when Mark took my ass. Admitting it felt good wasn't going to be easy.
Tom called back until 9:30 that evening while I was in my room studying. He and I compared schedules. He could meet me tomorrow after dinner. I arranged to meet him at 7:00 pm at the HUB.