Chapter 9: Don't Screw This Up

I'm not sure why, but when it was just Allison and I, I don't remember dreaming at all. Maybe it had something to do with the parents coming home, or being back in my bed. Whatever the reason, it seemed like as soon as I hit my pillow I found myself in the hallway outside, of all places, Shannon's room. I had been trying to think of how to talk to her but hadn't come to any real conclusions. I guess somewhere in my head a part of me thought I was ready. <<Think fast, hot shot; you're on in thirty seconds>> I took a second to try to organize my thoughts then quietly scratched on the door. Not really a knock, because that would echo, but just a scratch that no one else was likely to hear, or, if they did, they would discount it as being something else.

I heard a sound of furniture creaking and a second later a very sleepy Shannon cracked the door and peaked out.

"Sorry to wake you," I whispered.

Her eyes got big and she whispered back, "Jimmy? What are you doing here? Come in before someone wakes up and catches you." I slipped in and she closed the door before continuing, "Are you crazy? You can't be here in the middle of the night!"

"Of course I can silly," I whispered back. I could see she was starting to wake up a little more. Well, not really "wake up," but you know what I mean. "It's a dream, so we can be anywhere."

"Then why couldn't we be somewhere else? Like down by a certain stream that I know you are familiar with?" She grinned and put her arms around me.

"No, Shannon, it's your dream and I think I came here to talk to you for a reason." I pulled her arms loose and held her hands in front of me. "Here, sit down."

She was starting to look distressed so I held onto her hands and sat on the edge of the bed facing her. "I think we're here specifically because nothing would happen, here in your room, in the middle of the night, with your parents down the hall. Shannon, we need to talk, well, actually I need to talk to you about yesterday, about what happened in the garage."

Her face started to fall and I could see moisture starting to accumulate in her eyes. This was not going well.

"You mean, you didn't..." She started to shake.

"No!" I raised my whisper to a dangerous level. "Of course not, silly." I took her in my arms and held her to me. "Yesterday in the garage, Shannon, you changed my life. I never thought any girl could feel that way about me. And to find out that it was someone that I already knew and loved so much! Oh, Shannon, you just have no idea what you did for me. Okay, maybe you have some idea, I know Allison and you have been talking. But what I'm trying to say sweetie is that I don't want you to think that it's for the wrong reasons."

"I don't understand," she mumbled against my chest, still sounding confused.

"That's because I'm an idiot and I'm not doing this very well, but I need to get this out so please just hang in there. Shannon, when you flashed your beautiful self at me to get my attention? You didn't need to do that. I had already noticed that you had grown up and that I was a fool for not seeing it. When I picked up that hose and turned and saw Mark holding you? Right at that very moment, I was awestruck. A second before I was wrestling with my best friend's snot-nosed, bratty little sister, but then suddenly in that one moment I... Shannon, it was like I didn't know who you were. For a second all that I could think was 'Who is this beautiful young woman and why haven't I seen her before?' Shannon, two weeks ago I would have shoved that hose right down the front of your pants and never thought twice about it. But then you were just a little girl and it didn't matter. But when I saw you yesterday, struggling to get away with your shirt clinging to your body, it was like I was seeing you for the first time. You saw it. I know you did. I saw you. You saw me change and you knew. Your body language and everything changed. And at that moment I knew that I couldn't do it. Not like that. Suddenly you were too special. That part of you was too special, and it would have been disrespectful and horribly wrong. I just couldn't do it. You saw that didn't you?"

"I guess I did. I saw the change in you, that you finally saw me for me. Not Mark's little sister, but me. Jimmy, I've wanted you to really see me for so long," she sniffled just a little, "and it finally happened, and then I just couldn't let you get away. So I figured that if that was what it took to keep you..."

"I think that's why I'm here tonight, Shannon. You have to know that it didn't need to go that far. Not for me. I was already hooked before last night. In the yard, when I saw you, it was as if a veil was torn away and suddenly there you were. Then when I held the towel for you, it was because I didn't want you to be seen like that. Not even by your own brother. I didn't want you to attract that kind of attention, because you're not that kind of girl. After that, then when you flashed me again? I knew then that it was just for me and it blew my mind all over again, because I knew that you weren't that kind of girl. But it confused me; if you weren't that kind of girl then why did you do it? Then suddenly I understood; you did it for me, that you liked me and wanted me to see you that way. Not anyone else, just me. Shannon, I've never felt so special in my life. I could never imagine someone wanting me like that. It just never occurred to me."

"Shannon, I don't want our future to be about that. I don't ever want you to think that I see you that way. You're beautiful, and I'm sorry you had to go that far to make me realize it. I appreciate the effort, but... I don't want you to think that I think of you that way. Shannon, I have loved you for a long time, I just didn't realize it. All of this has made me take a hard look at my feelings and you need to know, Shannon, if I never see you that way again, or, after that dream last night, touch you that way again, I will still love you."

I hesitated for a moment, then went on in my most rye "I'm such and idiot" voice, "Of course I'll hate myself for saying all this," back to my normal voice, "but, Shannon, if it never happens again I will still love you."

"You really mean that?" She pulled back and looked at me. "Yes you do, I can see it in your face. You really do love me that much, don't you?"

"I don't really need to answer that, I'm just a projection in your dream telling you things you already know. But yes, I really do, with all my heart. And that is really weird. Because you know that I love Allison too. And yet at the same time I can love you so much and it doesn't take away from my love of her. It's strange, I'm really happy that it can be this way; that I can love you both so much without taking anything away from either of you, but it is strange. Maybe it's because I know you love her the same way?" Something in her eyes made me pause for a moment, then it was gone, "I don't understand it. But I don't need to understand it to know that it's right."

"Oh, Jimmy, I do love you, and I hope it's not just a schoolgirl crush. I don't think it is but I guess we won't know until we see where it goes, or if it grows, or whatever. I'm just rambling. It's what I do when I'm happy and excited, and oh, Jimmy, you make me so happy and so excited! I could just rip your clothes off right here...

"I guess you're right though, that's why we're here isn't it? Because it's a place where that couldn't happen? Not tonight, because tonight we just needed to talk. Allison always said you were smart. Well, I guess you better go, I need to get some sleep. Oh, I guess I am sleeping aren't I? Wow, this is really strange. What was that old poem, 'A Dream Within a Dream?' And now I'm rambling again."

I kissed her on the forehead and stood up. "Don't worry about it, you're probably going to forget most of this anyway, that's the way dreams are. I'll see you again soon, and not just here, but out there, where it counts. Until then, just remember that I love you and I will always love you no matter how it turns out. Not just your body, but you. Okay, your body too, but mostly you. Goodnight, sweet Shannon, kiss me and go back to sleep."

She kissed me all right, deeply and passionately. Anywhere else and we would have been in trouble. I laid her back down on her bed, pulled the covers up, brushed a wayward strand of hair tenderly from her face and turned to go.

I walked through Shannon's door directly to the picnic glade by the stream. Allison was already there, doing something with her Tablet PC. She looked up as I closed the door. When she saw me she jumped up, threw her arms around my neck and swung her legs up for me to carry her. "Hi, handsome, where you been? I missed you." She kissed me on the cheek and laid her head on my shoulder.

"I went to talk to Shannon."

"Really, how did it go? What did you say?" She gave me sideways look. "Did you just talk or were you being a bad boy?"

"Oh, don't worry. I'm sure she'll tell you all about it tomorrow. In fact I'm counting on it. I don't want to prejudice your reaction and I want an honest opinion of how I did and that's why," I sang the rest, "I'm not gonna tell you."

"What?" She jumped down and stamped her foot. "That's not fair!"

"I'm sorry, I knew you were gonna pop a cork when I told you, but, well, I need to know how I did. And I want you be able to listen to Shannon without knowing in advance what she is going to say. If I tell you, then you may hear what you want to instead of what she "heard" and that could be bad. I've already got this pretty screwed up and I need to see if what I told her made sense or not. I'm going to see her face to face in the next day or so, Saturday at the latest, and I need to know how to handle it. Otherwise I am going down in flames and she is going to be really hurt." I hung my head down and looked into her eyes. "If I blow this she could be hurt pretty bad, and I don't want to hurt her, sis. Do this for me, okay? Please?"

"Okay, I understand," she said quietly. Then suddenly she got very serious, "You're right, darn it! If there is a chance that she could be hurt by it, then it's not worth the risk. Now I can't wait until morning so she I can call her. Shoot! I can't call her; that would be too suspicious. I have to wait until she calls me. Oh, this sucks!" She punched me in the arm. "This is all your fault!"

I just laughed at her emotional gymnastics. That didn't help any, it looked like she was going to hit me again, so I hugged her before she got the chance.

"Listen; there is some stuff I wanted to talk to you about after school," I looked at her with a big smile, "before we got side-tracked. I talked to Mr. Shelby today and it sounds like he might be someone I can talk to about stuff. I wanted to run it by you though."