Chapter 8: Look At Yourself

If you need assistance or if all you need is love

There's no point in hiding, tell me what you're frightened of

You've got a friend, just look at yourself

Don't be afraid, just look at yourself

Uriah Heep, from the album Look at Yourself

At first Alex had been proud of himself for discovering the truth that his Dad tried to hide, but as the days went by, and his Dad had slipped into a depression for letting his family down, his pride subsided, and he felt bad at what he had done. He cursed himself for this, for making his Dad's actions known, better to let it go than to find the truth, thought Alex. The days passed slowly and painfully as Alex and his Mom tried unsuccessfully to get his Dad out of his mood. It seemed no matter what they did, he would just go through the motions.

Only two things actually worked his way in the next few days.

One was when he met up with Jennifer the day after the confrontation and apologized for his actions. She pressed him for an explanation, but Alex just waved it off. Though she accepted his apology, Jennifer was still concerned for Alex, but did as he asked and let it go.

The second positive thing was in his lessons and sparring at Tae Kwon Do. Moving up in class was difficult at first, as he had to prove himself to the other students. But as the sessions went by, Alex's command of the movements, the precision with which he executed them, and the words of encouragement he gave to others cemented their respect for him and earned him a welcome place within the group.

The most difficult single thing for Alex was in the sparring. Being the youngest and smallest was a great disadvantage for him to overcome. But he focused on it, watched as others of different sizes sparred and began to form a plan for working past the size advantage others had over him. As he began implementing his new tactics, new skills were developed, too, making him a more rounded adversary. As time went by he would again become the best within his class, winning most of the matches that he participated in.

All the while Master Kim was kept aware of his progress, and through Instructor Chang, give guidance and instruction in the philosophical properties of Tae Kwon Do.

The weekend before the 4th of July, Alex was out the door and down the street before his parents knew what happened, he wanted out and quickly. Only ten days before the Pearl Jam concert. Maybe things will begin looking up?

His run was longer than he wanted, but he needed to get rid of the tension he felt. As he crossed from the forest preserve into the streets, he saw Henry crossing the street several houses down. This was it, thought Alex, time to get this cleared up, time to get this over with. He picked up his pace and as he got closer he yelled, "Henry, hold up a second."

As Henry turned towards him, Alex almost didn't recognize him as his face was dirtied, his eyes were beginning to swell, and blood was coming from his mouth and nose. Looking closely Alex saw his hands were bloody and he was walking with a slight limp.

Incredulously Alex asked, "What the fuck happened to you?"

A look of disdain on Henry's face was followed by, "What the fuck do you think happened?"

And then Alex knew, "Stevie and Frankie?"

Laughing Henry said, "Give that boy a prize, and on the first guess, even. Just- just, leave me alone, Alex. Leave it alone."

"No Henry this is bullshit. What happened?"

That's when Henry turned on Alex, "What the FUCK do you think happened! Huh? I got my ass kicked! Know leave me the fuck alone!"

The words stung Alex as he stood there and watched Henry turn and walk away from him. Anger began to boil within Alex. Retribution was his only thought. He was off like a shot, running as fast as he could towards Stevie, Frankie, and Keith.

As he ran the familiar feeling of adrenaline began to flow. He allowed it to flow; no, he willed it, begged for it, even prayed for it. He wanted it so bad it hurt. And as it dispersed through his body he gained more speed and in no time at all he had run the five blocks to get to the alley. He slowed as he came to the corner, and there he saw Frankie and Stevie laughing and joking as they cleaned themselves up from the beating they had given Henry. Just past them was Keith, sitting just inside the opened garage door reading a magazine.

As Alex walked up to Frankie he saw Keith jump from his seat and make a beeline to him, but he wouldn't reach him before he reached Frankie. Alex pushed Frankie as hard as he could, causing him to fall forward onto the ground. Stevie looked on as Frankie fell, the smile gone as he looked at Alex and said, "Well I guess it's your turn, you PO-"

The last syllable didn't make it past his lips as Alex's fist connected with his jaw, knocking him down. Yelling, Alex said, "Ok, you fucking shit heads, get your sorry asses up so I can kick the living shit out of both of you!"

Keith was now moving in between Alex and his two friends as they got to their feet saying, "Alex, you don't want to do this. Just walk away, man, just walk away." The look on his face was serious and his tone almost pleading.

From behind Keith Alex heard, "Move out of the way Keith, it's time Alex gets his ass kicked."

Keith winced before saying over his shoulder, "Just hold on, Frankie, and you too, Stevie." Looking back to Alex he said softly so only Alex could hear, "Alex, take my word on this, you need to back off man. Right now, just back away."

Alex was taken aback, what was Keith doing? Why was he trying to stop him? What the fuck was he doing?

Seeing Alex not make a move, Keith continued, "It's not what you think Alex, they didn't go looking for Henry, Henry came looking for them, or should I say Frankie. Henry initiated it."

Alex was floored! Henry went looking for Frankie?

Seeing the look in Alex's face, Keith continued, "Yeah, it was Henry." And Keith looked over his shoulder and said, "And now it's over. Right, Frankie? It's over! Right?!"

But Stevie jumped in, "It's over for Henry, but Alex is dead meat, right Frankie!"

"You got that right Stevie, Alex is fucking DEAD MEAT!" yelled Frankie.

Before Alex could say anything, Keith shouted, "NO! It was a misunderstanding! IT'S OVER!"

That's when Alex jumped in, "NO! It's not OVER! One against one is ok, but when the two of you gang up on Henry? No man, it's not over!"

Keith turned to Alex and said, "You got it wrong Alex, it was one on one between Henry and Frankie."

Alex looked Keith in the eye and said, "Bullshit! Stevie looks like he got some on Henry! Look at him! Look at his face! Look at his hands! You don't get cuts and bruises by standing there!"

Without batting an eye Keith said, "Stevie got involved when he got too close and Henry accidentally clocked him. The cuts on his hand were from him falling. I stepped in then and pulled him out, Alex. It was never two on one. I wouldn't allow it! It was a fair fight, believe me." And looking over his shoulder he said loudly, "And it's OVER!" Looking back to Alex he said, "It's over, Alex. It's done. It's finished" and again softly he said, "Just walk away Alex, and it's over. Just let it go."

Softly Alex said, "You're wrong on this Keith. They'll never let it go."

"Alex. You don't know them like I do, OK," he said. "You walk away now, and I guarantee it's over. You keep pushing and they will never let up, they'll hurt you, bad, and they won't stop until they're one up on you. Walk away now, and I can fix this. Stay, and it's out of my hands."

Alex just stared at Keith. Why is he doing this? Why is he protecting them? Or, why is he protecting me thought Alex? He wasn't losing his confidence in himself, but what if those two were as nuts as Keith said?

"Leave now, and I owe you, Alex. Anytime, anywhere, any reason, I owe you. Just walk away, that's all you got to do. Walk away, and I guarantee it's done, it's over."

The anger now gone, Alex looked past Keith to Frankie and Stevie, both had wild looks in their eyes, something that Alex had never seen in anyone before. And Alex began to sense fear in himself, maybe these two were crazy, maybe they would escalate this and hurt him bad.

Keith sensing this said, "Alex, they're high, ok. If you fight them now, they won't feel it. I know you're good, and normally you could kick all of our asses, but right now? Look at them. Look in their eyes. If they got you on the ground, they'd hurt you bad. And they wouldn't know when to stop."

Alex looked back to Keith, looked him in the eye, he could see no deceit in them, nor did he see the same crazed look that Frankie and Stevie had. Before Alex stepped back he said to Keith softly, "Ok Keith, you owe me."

A look of gratitude was on Keith's face as Alex backed away. Keith turned to Frankie and Stevie, "Ok you two, it's over right! Henry is over! And Alex is over! Right?"

Frankie and Stevie still wild eyed, exchanged looks, their fists balled up ready to run past Keith to get to Alex, but for some reason that Alex could not fathom, they both backed down, not from Alex, but from Keith.

Alex cautiously turned and began walking away slowly. As he did he heard Keith talking softly to Frankie and Stevie, "Man, I told you guys about this! Don't fuck with Alex, ok! He could fuck you up, big time, and I won't always be there to bail your asses out."

"Dude, we could have had him, man! Why the fuck you getting involved when we don't need your help with this POS! Next time step off or back us up," yelled Frankie.

"You have no clue how close you came to getting fucked up! If you two could stay away from that shit you're on you might just realize how close you came to getting fucked up. And then I'd have to step in, and then I'd get my ass kicked for backing your play!"

"No man. No way he kicks all our asses," said Stevie, shocked.

"I've seen him spar, have you?"

More was said, but Alex was too far away to hear. What was Keith's play here? Keith just didn't seem to be the kind of guy to play both sides of the fence; he was black or white, with no shades of grey. Was he concerned about him, or was he concerned about Frankie and Stevie? Did he really think that Alex would deliberately hurt them?

Those were his thoughts as he made his way home. Could I actually hurt someone so badly? Would he be able to stop himself? He shivered at the thought of being unable to control his rage, his anger, if he was ever pushed. And as he walked up the steps to his house he began to think of his training of late, outside of the rest of the class. He stopped and sat on the steps, wanting the solitude outside to get through this line of thought before going inside. And then it came to Alex as certain pieces began to come together with the words from Instructor Chang, "Uncontrolled fighting is the enemy, not your opponent. Conscious thought and focused attention are the guides you must look to when emotion is combined with using your skills of Tae Kwon Do."

Alex leaned back letting the words from Instructor Chang flow through his mind, grasping the meaning, trying with all his might to make it part of his core beliefs, to calm his fears of losing control.

Late in the day his Mom came into the front room, interrupting the Cubs game, something that his Dad didn't like as the Cubs were beating the Cardinals 8-7 in the bottom of the eighth inning. "Ok boys, we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow, so Alex, I need you to make sure the deck is cleaned and the pool is ready for use tomorrow."

Alex looked at his Mom, but pushed away all thoughts of a smart come back when he saw the icy gaze from her eyes. It sent shivers up and down his spine. Quietly he got up from his chair, slinked past his mom, and successfully escaped into the backyard to the peaceful deck. Whatever got into his Mom, Alex wanted no part of it, and completed his assigned tasks to the best of his ability.

Finished with his chores, Alex went back into the house, not looking for more work to do but the look on his Mom's face earlier told him she was in no mode for him to screw around. Finding no one in the kitchen Alex went into the front room where he found his Mom straightening up, the Cubs game off, and his Dad no where to be found.

"Is there anything else you need me to do Mom?" Alex asked trying his best to be heard, but unseen.

"No. But, you can clean your room," she said without looking at him.

"But who's going to be up there? I mean whoever is coming over tomorrow won't be going into my room, will they?"

Without turning she said, "It doesn't matter who is coming over, clean your room," she said with a certain finality.

Alex turned and headed upstairs, halfway up he stopped and asked, "So, who is coming over tomorrow?"

"Old friends who haven't seen the new house. Sort of an open house thing."

With that Alex continued on his way to his room. Cleaning and straightening were easy since his room was mostly clean. His Mom kept him on it regularly so there was not much work to do. The work done, Alex went downstairs. With the house cleaned, and a late dinner almost ready, Alex went into the front room looking for his Dad. Not finding him he went into the kitchen, finding his mom putting away the just cleaned dishes he asked, "Where's Dad?"

Without turning she said, "He went to the store to pick up stuff for tomorrow."

And as if on queue his Dad walked into the house with a couple of bags, placing them on the table he said, "I got everything you asked for, when's dinner?"

"In a couple of minutes," came the reply.

And true to her word dinner was ready in a couple of minutes. It was eaten in silence, followed by a quick clean up, and capped with an unenthused exchange of goodnights. Something wasn't right thought Alex as he headed up to bed.

The morning was a repeat of last night's quick breakfast and last minute touch ups around the house. At 9:30, Mom sent Dad on a couple of errands and booted Alex out of the house onto the deck to complete his lackluster attempt at cleaning, her words not his.

Alex went upstairs and got some CD's and changed into his bathing suit, mind as well enjoy himself thought Alex. Putting on something new, at least for him, he started off with Extreme's III Sides to Every Story and continued his work. Cleaning the pool was quick, about twenty minutes, the deck a little longer but all told Alex was lying down on the chaise within an hour's time.

Just as Alex was slipping into the early stages of sleep he heard someone say, "Holy shit, he moves to the burbs and starts listening to Extreme? What's next, sushi?"

Alex snapped up and looked to door just as Neil was walking onto the deck. Alex jumped up from the chaise and bolted over to Neil and gave him a big hug. Neil hugged back and from behind Neil he heard Gary say, "Oh shit, it's worse than I thought; Extreme, Sushi, and he's now gay!"

Alex let go of Neil and went to hug Gary and said, "Shut up, gay boy."

Gary laughed as he hugged Alex back and said, "Yeah, my feelings exactly."

"What is this? Some suburban thing that us city folk don't know nothing about?" said Joe as he came on the deck carrying a guitar case in one hand and Kelly's hand in the other.

Alex looked at Joe and said laughingly, "Nice to see your using your hands for something other than self pleasure."

"Hey sushi boy, this contraption I'm carrying is Gary's. Somehow he got me to carry this thing," and then proceeded to hug Alex. As they disengaged Alex said to Kelly, "So, still with this loser?"

Kelly came in and gave Alex a hug, "Yeah, he's like a lost puppy without me. What can I say?" she said batting her eyes.

"Hey what about us?" said Sheri as she walked onto the deck followed by her twin sister Allison who said, "Yeah, don't we get a hug?"

Alex laughed and said, "Where are my manners" and gave each a big hug, but the hug from Allison was longer and more sensuous as she rubbed her breasts into Alex. The entire gang seeing this let out a collective 'oohhh' when Alex and Allison disengaged. Alex sheepishly looked around at everyone while Allison looked to her sister with a big shit-eating grin on her face.

Alex looked back to the door, but no one else was there, no one else was coming through. Neil seeing this went over to Alex and whispered, "She couldn't make it dude. She had a family thing, something at her Aunt's house for the fourth."

Alex looked at Neil and said, "What are you talking about? Everyone's here."

Quietly Neil said, "Just who do you think you're talking to, sushi boy? I know more about what you think I know nothing about than you think I do."

Alex looked at Neil and began laughing at him. Neil, taken aback by Alex laughing at him, thought about what he just said and started laughing with him. "Man, you know what I mean."

Still laughing Alex said, "Well, if I think you know about what I don't, then how do I know what you don't know that I know?" as Alex laughed with Neil he couldn't help but to be floored. How did Neil know? He looked around to everyone but their conversation was not heard by anyone else. Though he was happy to have his friends with him, he was saddened that Megan was unable to make it.

After retrieving more chairs from the garage the group settled down Alex asked, "So what are you guys doing here? I mean I'm happy to see you but when did you get this all planned?"

Neil jumped in before everyone else, "I got a call from your Mom a couple of weeks ago. She wanted me to get some of your friends together for a small party. I talked to everyone and we agreed on this day," he said with that goofy smile of his.

And as the group began talking about things that happened over the summer Alex looked to the house where he could see his Mom and Dad standing, his arm around her shoulders, and her arm around his waist. His Mom was all smiles, but looking at his Dad he was as if his face was carved in stone, with no expression.

Alex was brought away from those thoughts by the rest of the group as they began asking him about what was going on, the new house, the neighbors, and the babes. Alex told them to hold on as he got up and went inside the house. Walking in to the house he went to his Mom and gave her a big hug and said, "Thanks Mom." He stepped away from his Mom and went to his Dad and repeated the same thing. As he stepped away from his Dad he prayed for a smile but the same stoic face greeted Alex with the words, "I'm glad that you're having a good time, Alex."

Oh well it can't go on forever. Can it?

"Here, take these with you," said Alex's Mom as she handed him a couple of bowls of chips and dip. As he headed out the door fully laden with munchies she called after him, "And be a gentleman and ask if they would like something to drink, sodas are in the fridge."

Walking back onto the deck everyone began cracking jokes at Alex, the gentleman, telling him his or her drink orders. Couldn't she have said it softly so as not to let everyone hear? Shaking his head, Alex turned back to the house to gather refreshments necessary to fill all of the drink orders.

Walking out with his hands full Alex distributed the drinks and plopped down in the only open chair, which was next to Allison; planned, he was willing to bet, by the twins. Alex looked to Gary, who smiled knowingly.

Alex caught them up on the events since moving, leaving out the revelations of the past day. He talked of his new friends, Henry and Slick, and Jennifer and her friends, how he was back to taking Tae Kwon Do classes, the confrontations with Stevie and Frankie, and Keith.

A thousand questions came from every direction, first though was Gary, "So what's Jennifer like, and is she available?"

Laughing Alex said, "Dude, cut that shit out, she's like Lisa, almost to a fault!"

Everyone laughed, except for Gary and Neil, who exchanged looks. Before Alex could question them, Joe chimed in, "What are you going to do about Stevie and Frankie, and Keith? Sounds like you might need some help?" he said flexing his muscles.

Alex laughed at him, "Help in what? Calling an ambulance?"

The conversations went on like that for the next hour when his Dad walked onto the deck. Collectively the group shouted "Hey Mr. T."

This brought a small smile to his Dad's face, before replying "I pity the fool!" which broke everyone up. "So who's hungry?" his Dad asked. Seeing everyone raising their hands he looked to Alex and said, "Ok, fire up the grill," before heading back to the house. Just before going inside his Dad yelled back to Alex, "and please pay attention to the coals, don't want them getting too hot."

Alex snapped his head around to look to his Dad, only catching the side of his face Alex could definitely see a chuckle. Yeah, there's hope, Alex said to himself.

As Alex prepared the grill, movement from next door caught his eye. It was Jennifer coming out of her house.

Alex said to his friends, "Hold up a sec, ok," and went over to Jennifer. "Jennifer? You got a minute?" he called out.

"Sure" she said as she walked over to the fence.

From behind Alex heard Gary yell, "Hey Alex, who's the hottie?"

Rolling his eyes to Jennifer who laughed Alex turned and yelled "Lotta class there, Gary. Unfortunately it's all third class." That got Jennifer laughing even more, which made Alex feel a heck of a lot better. Quietly he said, "Do you want to meet my old friends?"

"Of course you goof," she laughed as she hit him in his arm.

Alex walked back to the deck with Jennifer in tow and introduced her to the gang. Jennifer shook everyone's hand, and though Allison smiled and said it was a pleasure to meet her, there was caution in her words; maybe she thought Jennifer was competition for Alex's affections.

As the hellos were finally completed Jennifer joined in on the conversation and it was like the group never missed a beat. It was odd, thought Alex, that the old group had never met Jennifer but she fit in so well, so seamlessly. It was as if Lisa was here they were so alike, and the group caught it as they began making the same comments.

From behind Alex heard his Dad yell out, "How are the coals coming?"

Oh shit, thought Alex as he ran over to the grill yelling, "They're fine, Dad, ready for the burgers," as he moved them around making it look like he was doing his job.

As he was putting the grate on top of the grill his Mom came out onto the deck carrying a plate of burgers. Seeing Jennifer, his Mom said, "Hey Jennifer. When did you get here?"

Jennifer got up and followed Alex's mom to the grill saying, "Just a few minutes ago. Alex invited me over to meet his old friends. I hope that's ok?"

His mom gave Jennifer a look and said, "You've got to be kidding! You're always welcome to come over, Jennifer." His Mom looked at Alex and gave him a long look as she laid the plate down next to the grill. She then turned to Jennifer and said, "Why don't you invite some of your friends over? You know the ones that went to the movies with Alex the other day. Would be okay with you, Alex?"

Standing next to the grill Alex had to be careful that his jaw didn't drop into the grill! What had his Mother just done? Did she just invite the hated Emily into her pure and innocent son's home? And if she did how would Alex be able to say no?

Looking between his Mom and Jennifer, Alex stumbled, "Uh well, yeah, um, I guess it would, you know, kinda be, uh ok, you know if Jennifer's friends could, um, come over. If they're not busy. You know, being Sunday and all, they probably have-"

"I'll go call them!" yelled Jennifer as she ran past Alex and his Mom.

Alex watched as she ran off. What the hell had just happened? He looked back to his Mom who was on her way back into the house. What the hell? Alex put on the burgers and was on his way into the house when Gary called out, "What the heck did you do? Scare her away with your cooking?" Which got everyone laughing, to which Alex gave Gary the international sign for you're number one, the middle finger, as he headed inside his house.

Seeing his Mom by the kitchen counter cutting up tomatoes and onions Alex said, "Why did you invite Jennifer's friends over? I thought you didn't want Emily in our house?"

Without looking at him, his Mom said, "I thought that you were friends and nothing else?"

Taken aback by the response Alex stumbled, again, over his words, "Well, uhm, we are, you know, just friends and all, but I, you know, thought that, well you'd, well, never invite her over, that's all."

Still not looking at him she said, "Well, with your father and I here, as well as all your friends, I feel VERY confident that NOTHING will be happening like the LAST time she was here."

Laughing, Alex said, "Mom, she's not the one you need to worry about."

That stopped his mother cold. She turned around and asked, "So WHOM do I have to worry about! Certainly not Jennifer!"

Still laughing Alex said, "No, if there was anyone that you NEVER had to worry about, it's Jennifer. But if you were a betting person I would tell you to put the house, the car, and all of the money you and dad have on Allison!"

The look of astonishment was clear on her face before she said softly, "Are you talking about sweet young Alison? The one that we invited today?"

Nodding his head he said, "Yep. Man-eater Allie. Or better put, Allie the Alex Man-eater."

"Oh dear. She seems so, nice and sweet, and innocent!" Then she smiled and began laughing as she said, "You nearly had me Alex! Allison, the man-eater. Boy you almost had me fooled."

In his most serious look he said, "Mom, I'm not kidding. Watch her, and you'll see." With that Alex walked back out onto the deck.

This time it was Neil, "So, scared another one away did you Alex?"

"No smart ass. But, if you're nice, and I mean REAL nice, I'll introduce you to some of her friends," replied Alex as he went to the grill. As he flipped the burgers he continued, "You see my Mom asked her to call 'em up and invite them over."

That seemed to get everyone's attention as they began asking more detailed questions than before as Alex cooked the burgers. The girls, not interested in the conversation, went into the house to change into their bathing suits. As Alex watched them heading into the house Allison looked over her shoulder and winked at him. Oh shit, thought Alex, what has she got on her mind?

He looked over to Gary, who, seeing the wink, just shrugged. To no one in particular, Alex asked, "So, how am I going to get out of this without pissing anyone off?"

Joe, Gary, and Neil exchanged looks but said nothing, not even looking at Alex. "Shit, it's that bad huh?"

It was Joe that broke the silence, "Yeah, it's that bad. When we got the call to set up the party, I kinda, well, mentioned it to Kelly, who mentioned it to Allison who, invited Cheri, Kelly, and herself along. Now before you say anything I wasn't going to ask the girls to come along ok, it was just a mistake on my part for mentioning it to Kelly."

"Oh hell, Joe it's not your fault. I mean you have to ask permission to go out and play, and all," laughed Neil.

What followed were several minutes of well placed slams, at Joe's expense, followed by quick retorts from Joe. Good natured ribbing at it's best, between friends as close as brothers.

Finally Alex interjected, "So guys, all kidding aside, what am I to do about Allison?"

That killed the mood until Neil said, "Bang her and get it out of her system."

That started them up again as Alex rolled his eyes and said, "Come on guys! I need a plan, and FAST."

Gary looked as Alex and said, "To bad you don't have a girlfriend. That would end it."

"Yeah, that would be the end of it," agreed Joe.

"That's what you need. Can you pull one out of your ass in the next 30 seconds?" laughed Neil.

Alex smiled, not out of my ass, but from Jennifer, well not her ass but maybe one of her friends. The only one that made sense was Emily; he didn't know Allison that well, boy would that be a mistake with the name and all, and forget Cindy, Henry would NEVER forgive him.

Smiling at Gary, he handed him the tongs and raced over to Jennifer's. He jumped over the fence like a gazelle and raced up the back stairs, barely stopping before crashing through the door, and knocked. Looking back to make sure that the girls had come out of his house, he turned back to the door and knocked again, hurriedly. Thankfully, Jennifer opened the door and said, "What the heck Alex? You scared the heck out of me."

Excitedly Alex said, "Is Emily coming?"

Looking at Alex quizzically she said, "Yeah, she should be here in about 10 minutes, why?"

Alex looked back to his house the girls were still not out, GREAT! "Ok, I don't have time to explain but I'm in a bind and I need Emily to pretend to be my girlfriend."

Jennifer looked at Alex like he had two heads before asking, "Why in God's name do you want her to pretend to be your girlfriend?"