Chapter 5: Fooling Yourself

Get up, get back on your feet
You're the one they can't beat and you know it
Come on, let's see what you've got
Just take your best shot and don't blow it

Styx, from the album Grand Illusion

Sunday morning was a dark day, as the sun could not break through the clouds that hung low over Chicago and surrounding suburbs. Alex rolled over onto his back and smiled broadly to himself thinking of yesterday's events. He shook his head in disbelief that yesterday morning he was able to confront himself with the way he was living his life, and to take the first steps to make it better. He never expected to meet someone like Jennifer, someone so similar to Lisa it was startling, almost surreal.

He got up and walked to the bathroom, just like yesterday, and looked in the mirror. Then the question came to him. Was he substituting Jennifer for Lisa? Did he want Jennifer to remind him of Lisa? Or better stated, did he miss Lisa so much that he was making connections between Lisa and Jennifer that didn't exist? Screw it, no more over thinking.

After a shower and Spartan breakfast Alex started his morning workout, quickly finishing in order to get outside for his morning run. As he was heading out the door his parents said they would be heading to Home Depot to pick up a few things and asked him to be home by noon to help out. As he headed out the door he thought about taking a different route but ended up repeating yesterday's run so he could become familiar with the area.

The first three legs of the run were uneventful but as Alex was rounding the last corner when he ran into a husky kid a couple of inches taller then he was running from a couple of other guys. Both Alex and the kid bounced off each other and fell. Alex was able to roll and was up on his feet quickly while the other kid slid into the street and scrambled to get up.

Alex went over to help but was pushed from behind. Keeping his balance he turned around to see a familiar face begin to kick the kid who was scrambling to get up, while someone else pushed Alex trying to get him off balance.

"Well look who we have here Frankie, the little POS from the other day. In case you didn't know POS is piece of shit dick head. Now get the fuck outa here while we attend to business" yelled Stevie.

Alex, now pissed off, replied, "First of all you can stop beating up on the kid. Second the only POS I see is you, and third why don't you go home and jerk off, it's probably the only thing both of you are good at!"

Stevie stopped in the middle of a kick to look back at Alex and sneered "Keith ain't here to save your ass today, lipshitz. As soon as we're done with this little shit it's your turn!" He left the kid on the ground and turned towards the Alex, slowly making his way to the standoff.

"Why wait?" as Alex did a leg sweep on Frankie, who promptly feel on his backside, followed by a leap to place himself between the kid still on the ground and Stevie. Wasting no time, Stevie threw a left followed by a right, Alex easily dodged the first and deflected the second.

Alex took a step back bringing his hands up in a defensive position "What makes you think you'll do any better this time? Come to think about it, both of you were lucky Keith was there to save your asses," laughed Alex.

Frankie looked at Stevie and said, "Move over a little bit, let's see how the tough guy deals with two separate targets. It's gonna be fun kicking your ass, dick wad. We're gonna pound you into the ground, then we are gonna kick that little shit over there some more."

As the two moved away from each other, Alex drew from his training on dealing with two targets and immediately attacked the weaker target, Frankie, with a quick kick. The kick did not do any damage but put Frankie in an indefensible position, and it was followed by a straight left that connected to his right cheek, and a right cross that caught the side of his head, knocking him to the ground.

Alex let his momentum carry him around until he faced Stevie, just as Stevie was beginning to throw a right-handed punch. Alex stepped back and let the punch come forward, missing him, and quickly slapped it further with his left hand. This exposed the right side of Stevie's face, which Alex took advantage of and with a quick right caught him on the right cheek with a solid punch. Stevie staggered back, but didn't fall and with glazed eyes shook his head and smiled at Alex.

Alex quickly looked back to Frankie, who was just getting to his feet while shaking his head to clear the cobwebs. Assessing the situation, Alex backed up between the two placing Stevie on his left, a more comfortable position for Alex than his right. The adrenaline was now starting to flow and Alex had to control his energy and focus it on its intended target.

Over Stevie's right shoulder Alex saw a man opening the front door of the house they were fighting in front of. As he stepped out Alex saw that he was an old man, tall slightly hunched over with long white hair to his shoulders carrying a broom. He looked at Alex and then to the other two and shouted, "Ok, Frankie and Stevie, that's enough. Get the hell off my property!"

Stevie looked over his shoulder and noticed the old man. He shook his head and rolled his eyes replying "Shut up, old man, this is no concern of yours. Go back in your house and do whatever old people do."

"Why, you little shit. One call to your step dad and he'll have your ass packed up and shipped out to St. John's Military Academy, is that what you want? Huh, tough guy? Probably be the best thing to happen to you, straighten your ass out for good, you degenerate."

"You know, old man, you are a piece of work. Alex, you must have a horse shoe up your ass to have been saved twice from an ass kicking. But the third time will not be the charm for you." Then, looking over to the kid still on the ground said, "Later, fat boy. Let's go, Frankie."

Alex eyed the two as they walked off. He headed towards the kid on the ground, seeing some minor cuts and abrasions on his arms and legs. "You ok, kid?" ask a concerned Alex.

"Yeah, just a little beat up is all," he responded with a moan.

"Feel like standing?" Alex asked as he got to the kid, who began to prop himself up on one elbow and then began to flex his other, shaking out the pain.

"Yeah, I want to get the hell outa here before those two shit heads come back. Thanks for your help. By the way I'm Henry Mason."

"Nice to meet you Henry, but don't thank me, thank him" said Alex pointing to the old man. "He's the one that saved our asses; oh shit, sorry for swearing. I'm Alex Thomason," as the two shook hands.

Laughing, the old man said, "Not a problem young man, no need to apologize. I've had my ass caught in some shit now and again, and I'm glad I could help. Anyway, those two have been causing problems in the neighborhood for the last couple of years, picking on people, causing mischief wherever they go. Had a talk with Steve's step dad on the shit he's been getting into, seems I haven't been the only one; he said he's talked to over half dozen other people as well. Pretty soon Steve will be shipped off to St. John's if he don't straighten up."

"Tomorrow won't be soon enough if you ask me," interjected Henry. "Both of those idiots have been pushing me around since last summer. One of these days they'll be sorry."

"I think today was one of them don't you, my names Gerhard Wagner, good to meet you Alex and Henry," extending his hand to first Alex then Henry. "Don't let them push you around Henry, stand up for yourself, fight back, be a man. Fear is something that you will encounter throughout your life, and how you deal with it, the decisions you make, will define you as man. Do not let fear take over your life, if you do you'll never enjoy it."

"That might be good for you but you've never gotten your ass kicked every day for a week straight," yelled Henry.

"Never make assumptions about something you don't know about, Henry. Have you ever heard of the Korean War? Well I was in the 7th Infantry Division during the Battle of Chosin Reservoir, and for the first week of that engagement I lived in constant fear of being killed. After that week I didn't care about death, it was all around me and I didn't fear it. What I cared about, though, was getting as many of my brothers out of there alive as I possibly could. And, unfortunately, not many of them did make it out. What I learned in Korea, Henry, is that the conquest of fear lies in the moment of its acceptance."

Alex watched Gerhard's face as he talked, knowing that there were many things that were not said but were conveyed in his face and in the emotion of his voice as he talked. Though Alex's loss was different, he could feel the emotion of what he was saying.

After an uneasy silence Alex said, "Well, I gotta go. Thanks again for your help, Mr. Wagner."

"My pleasure, Alex. Henry, remember what I said." He then turned and walked back to his home.

"Why don't we go to my house and we can clean up some of those bumps and bruises? So Henry, live around here?"

"Yeah, a couple of blocks over. You're new here aren't you? I can tell 'cause you jumped in when Stevie and Frankie caught up to me. And also 'cause I've never seen you before. So you jog, uh? I tried it for a couple of days, to lose weight, but I fell and twisted my ankle so I couldn't run for a few weeks, but by then I was afraid I'd hurt myself again, so I never took it up. So I -"

That's when Alex cut him off, "Damn, Henry, you sure do talk a lot!"

"Yeah, I know, it's a character flaw. Anyway..." and with that, Henry gave Alex his life story; he was an only child, his Mom was a homemaker and his Dad worked at the Merc in Chicago. They moved out here four years ago, something that Henry was not happy about, he liked living in River North, but his Dad wanted to live closer to his parents, who lived 10 minutes away in Worth.

Alex looked at Henry as they walked, listening to his story while sizing him up. He was tall with a paunch around the middle and short dark brown hair and matching eyes with soft facial features that matched his demeanor. He talked incessantly, going from one subject to another, sometimes in mid-sentence - it was a challenge to keep up with what the hell he was talking about. Halfway home, Henry began talking about computers, something that Alex had no experience with. Alex was eager to hear more, wanting to get into them, and Alex felt that Henry might be very influential in convincing Alex's parents to buy him one.

They got to Alex's house and spent the next half hour cleaning up Henry and discussing computers; the best to buy, the OS, the best software. A lot of it meant nothing to Alex, as he was just learning, but he had to start somewhere. In between the discussion about computers, Alex was able to talk about himself, filling Henry in on his life, about Tae Kwon Do, Lisa, joining the wrestling team, and about his next door neighbor Jennifer. It was the latter subject which startled Henry.

"Jennifer lives next door? Wow! She's pretty! We went to school together; I guess we still do since we will be going to the same high school."

"Henry, do you have a thing for Jennifer?" Alex asked with a laugh.

Turning bright red, Henry stammered, "Nnno. Hell, she doesn't even know me! She's too beautiful for me."

"You'll never know if you never ask, Henry. Remember what Mr. Wagner said, step up and be a man! Take a chance. What do you have to lose?"

"I'm not the outgoing type, especially around girls that I like."

"Henry, you don't get it. You can talk about anything, in fact you never stopped talking since we started walking to my house, so don't give me any bullshit about you not being outgoing. You need to focus your thoughts, try not to ramble, and listen to what people are saying. Once you learn that, finding something to talk to a girl about that she is interested in is easy. Your problem sounds like you're too scared to start a conversation, and that's all we are talking about, conversation."

"I don't know about this, but I'll try. There's also something else that I think is a problem."

"What's that?"

"My weight, and maybe how I look, not the coolest, ya' know."

"That is something that can be fixed. For starters, watch what you eat and do some exercise and that should take care of the weight. I know, why don't you run with me, get into shape, maybe lift some weights with me? During the summer you can use the pool afterwards to cool down. Do you have a jump rope?"

"No, only girls jump rope."

"Say that to any boxer and they will take you down; that's one of the routines they use to stay in shape. If you don't have one, get one, then we can jump rope for 10 minutes before we run."

"Ok, let me think about it."

"Great." Alex wrote down his phone number and handed it to Henry saying, "Here's my number, give me a call tomorrow morning before 9 and we can go running together." As Henry left, Alex solemnly shook his hand.

Alone, Alex went upstairs and took a shower, thinking about his new friend, the encounter with Stevie and Frankie, and Mr. Wagner. All three had something in common, fear and pain. The twins used both to intimidate others, Henry was living through the fear of pain, and Mr. Wagner had lived through both. But there was more, more in that for some reason Alex felt a connection with Henry, Stevie and Frankie, and Mr. Wagner. He thought about it as he showered and was still racking his brain as he dried off and got dressed.

He was still thinking of it when he heard his parents walk into the house, returning from their trip to Home Depot. He considered asking them, but the encounter with Stevie and Frankie would turn into a discussion on the merits of walking away from a fight rather than standing up for someone who wouldn't, or couldn't. That last thought gave Alex pause, he didn't want to talk to his parents about how he helped Henry. He was sure that the tone of the conversation would be supportive, but the use of violence would bring about a discussion he just didn't want to get into. No matter what his parents felt about what had happened, he knew he had made the right choice.

His thoughts were interrupted by his Dad, "Alex, I need help getting the bushes out of the car."

"Ok Dad, be right down." No, he wouldn't bring it up, and he better tell Henry not to either. He went out to help his Dad unload the bushes, six in all.

"So how was the run?" asked his Dad.

Alex looked at his Dad as he passed by carrying one of the bushes, "It was good. I really like it around here. Oh yeah I also met a new friend. He lives one block over and his name is Henry. I think I'll have a jogging partner as he seemed interested in joining me."

"I glad to hear that Alex. Meeting a new friend that close is great.

"Yeah. And man, can he talk, he nearly talked my ear off. He was rambling on and on until I finally jumped in!"

His Dad laughed, "Well, we all know someone like that. For me it was Billy Ferguson, one of my best friends from High School. He could talk about anything, and did, he never shut up. I remember one time when Ray had enough of him and threw him in the pool at Cornell Park. Man was Billy pissed."

"So what did Billy do?"

"He got out of the pool and stormed over to Ray cursing and swearing that he was going to kick his ass. Now Ray was a jokester, so when Billy came up to him all pissed off Ray made like he was sorry and started apologizing and really laying it on thick. Billy started cooling off during this and when Ray stuck out his hand for a shake, Billy took it. That's when Ray pulled him close and kissed him on the cheek, which started everyone laughing. Billy stared at Ray in astonishment, and that's all he needed as he again pushed him in the pool."

"Man, Billy must have been pissed all over again!"

"That's what we thought but when Billy broke the surface he was laughing up a storm. Not only could he talk a mile a minute, he also had a temper that was just as fast, but thankfully, as soon as it flared up it would just as quickly fade out."

"So what happened to Billy and Ray, I don't remember meeting them or you ever talking about them."

His Dad got quiet and looked away from Alex. "Billy lives in Wisconsin, Spring Green I think, he moved up there just after we graduated. Ray died in a car accident my senior year, a long time ago."

Alex looked at his Dad, something was not being said, he was hiding something, something about Ray. "Sorry to hear about Ray Dad. Was he a good friend?"

"The best, we were very close, he was- like a brother to me, a big brother because he was a year older. Billy and Ray were to me like Gary and Neil are to you. When I was your age, summertime was the best time of the year. We would be out all day hanging out or trying to pickup chicks, and when we were old enough we would get part time jobs and buy a cheap car. Freddie was another one of our friends, and he was an absolute genius with cars; I mean, he could take a rusted pile of shit and turn it into a sleek machine. Most evenings we would be in his garage working on cars with the White Sox playing on the radio, listening to Harry Carry and Jimmy Piersall - those two were great - drinking Falstaff beer and calling the game. That was what summer was for us."

Alex saw a smile on his Dad's face as he reminisced about his youth. It was strange to here him talk about it, even stranger to hear about the similarities that they both shared. Due to his Dad's private nature regarding his youth, Alex never thought they could have much in common but now that seems to have wrong. Thinking back to what his Mom had said a couple of days ago maybe Ray was the person that died that had an impact on Dad's life. Dad had said they were like family; a big brother, were the words that he used.

"So let's get these bushes in before the commandant comes back out," continued Dad. So they resumed their unloading of the car and the planting of the bushes.

Monday was Dad's first day at the new job and Mom was out interviewing at a local bank. Today's schedule would be house cleaning after breakfast, followed by the morning workout, jogging with Henry, lunch, yard work, a quick swim, Tae Kwon Do, dinner, and finally the evening workout. Yeah all planned out.

After completing his breakfast and the first part of his workout routine, he called Henry for the jogging portion, which he was really looking forward to. Alex ran to Henry's, where he found Henry waiting. Exchanging hello's they both set off, heading in the opposite direction of where Stevie and Frankie live. The run was thoroughly enjoyable as Alex and Henry talked and became more comfortable with each other.

Still riding on the high from yesterday, Alex kept the pace loose and fast. For his part Henry kept up though clearly he was struggling, something Alex did not catch until Henry suggested they walk for the next block; that was the only time that Henry pulled back during the run.

The run was a lot longer than Alex or Henry had thought as they returned to Henry's house around noon, two hours later. Alex and Henry agreed to meet again tomorrow at the same time for another run before Alex ran back home, an hour later than he planned on. Walking in the door Alex found a note from his parents that they went shopping and lunch was in the fridge. Eating quickly, foregoing the chicken salad his mother made, he settled on a ham sandwich with potato salad, Alex headed outside to complete the yard work. Finishing at 2pm, a quick swim was out of the question, since he knew he had to be there early as requested by Instructor Chang. He raced upstairs to shower and get ready.

He got there with little time to spare, greeting Instructor Chang as he entered the school saying "Good afternoon Instructor Chang."

Instructor Chang was at his desk leafing through a stack of papers when he looked up to see Alex. He smiled as he stood up and walked around to greet Alex. Alex was putting his gear down just as Instructor Chang reached him and he extended his hand in greeting. Instructor Chang returned the handshake and said "It is good of you to come in early Alex. There's a couple of things I would like to talk to you about. Let's go into my office where we can have some privacy."

Alex followed Chang into his office and sat down, and feeling a little startled at being invited in. Chang sat down and looked at Alex, "First, when I heard that you were going to continue your training here I was very pleased. I remember seeing you in the solo competition the last few years, and then this past year, when you won the sparring competition, my father and I were very impressed in your abilities."

"Thank you, Instructor Chang. A lot of it was due to the Instructors at the old school."

"Yes, they are very good, father thinks very highly of them, and they did a great job with your training up to this point. After seeing you here a few days ago my father and I reviewed the tapes of your past competitions and we think that you have abilities that far surpass others within our school. To us, we see it is part of your nature, of who you are. And now that you are here, in my school, I believe that I can continue with your teachings and provide you a much more rounded training than the others could, if you are willing."

Alex thought about it, he enjoyed the training, he liked the physical contact of sparring. "Yeah, I guess I'm willing."

Chang sat back and folded his hands together "Alex, 'I guess' is not a response that instills enthusiasm. Conviction in what someone wants to do requires more than I Guess. If you are not interested in what I ask, please, for both of us, before we progress further, let me know. What I ask requires a commitment, if this is not what you would like to pursue say so. I will not be offended nor will I feel differently about you. Think about it, take your time and let me know when you are ready. Ok?"

Feeling like a shit now, Alex responded, "Yes Instructor Chang, thank you for the offer and I will think about it."

"That's all I ask. Class will be starting soon, I'll see you inside." And with that said, he stood up and showed Alex the door.

Alex stood up and again looked at Instructor Chang looking at him for a hint of expression, but all Alex got was a warm smile and a nod. As Alex walked out he saw Keith walking in the front door. Just when things couldn't get worse, thought Alex. At that point Keith looked over and saw Alex, a slow grin spread across his face as he lowered his gear to the ground. Slipping his shoes off he said to Alex, "Well, well, well, Alex. It is very good to see you today. I had a very nice conversation with Steve and Frank about you earlier today, seems you can't keep yourself out of their business."

Alex leaned against the wall, folded his arms and nonchalantly responded "Yes, I do recall running into them. They seemed, perturbed, that I had upset their festivities, please convey my apologies."

Laughing ominously, Keith shook his head before continuing "My friend, before I convey my apologies to those two, let me first say that I will miss this banter when, or if, their prayers are fulfilled. It is such a shame that you have decided to follow this path of pain and destruction. Those two will not rest until the score has been settled."

"And you Keith? What is your stake in this?"

Looking away from Alex "I am but a bystander in this. For whatever has caused the animosity between you and the others is beyond my abilities to control. I think it's best to let you work out the problem."

"I wasn't asking for help Keith, just where you stood in this."

Looking back to Alex, "There you go again; taking advantage of my good nature, I think that would be four points now."

Was this a challenge? He could feel the adrenaline starting to flow as he stood up straight and let his arms fall to his side. Alex, responding, but no longer with the wit used before, said, "Cut it out Keith, you're scaring me."

Looking directly into Alex's eye, never wavering Keith responded evenly "I see we are going down hill again. Why don't we just walk away from each other, you know, before it gets any worse?"

"Some day Keith, it wont be that easy."

"It's easier than you think Alex, so much easier. You see Alex, I don't have to walk around looking over my shoulder wherever I go, and from now on, you will. Oh, you don't have to worry about me looking for you, as I said I'm an innocent bystander." With that, he turned and walked into the training area.

Alex just stood there, knowing that Keith was right, and that in this exchange he was the loser. Oh well, baseball rules are in play, thought Alex, Keith scored a run this inning but the game is not over. That made it a tie score going into the third inning. Shaking his head, he followed Keith in.

Everyone was standing in place, some of the students were talking to each other in hushed tones waiting for the Instructor to come in. The class was comprised of mostly boys around Alex's age with a couple of girls, eight total. As he surveyed the class Instructor Chang came in and barked a call to order, causing all of the students to stand at attention, not knowing where to stand Alex stayed in the back.

"Class we have a new student joining us today. Though he is new to this school he has been actively training for the past few years and is well accomplished in the art of Tae Kwon Do. He has won several competitions in form and last year won the sparring city championship for his age group; please welcome Alex Thomason," and pointed to Alex.

Everyone turned to look at Alex all with surprised expressions, yet Keith showed no expression at all. Alex politely nodded in acknowledgement to the rest of the class and bowed to Instructor Chang. With the pleasantries exchanged the warm-ups began followed by practicing form. Alex felt at home even though he had never been here before; it all flowed evenly and familiar from movements, to the Kiyop, to the discipline.

They were into class for thirty minutes before Instructor Chang got to Alex. Stepping in front of Alex he yelled movements, which Alex quickly and crisply performed without a flaw. Alex lost count as to how many or how long he followed the commands, he lost track of all around him and fell into the rhythm set by Instructor Chang. He was in his own world, kept aware of the presence of Instructor Chang only because of the commands that came from him. Forgotten was what had transpired before, Lisa, Melissa, Julie, Keith, and Jennifer; his only thought, his focus was the movements and how he had to perform them without error.

The last command issued, Alex only stood there, sweating profusely breathing heavily, the adrenaline flowing through him begging him to continue but the discipline locking a hold his actions. Finally able to focus on Instructor Chang, Alex could not make out his expression; it was as though he was looking at a stone statue. Now doubt began to come into his mind, did he screw up? Did he miss something? Was it not what was expected? All these thoughts went through his mind at the same time.

Finally the silence was broken by the voice of Instructor Chang, "That is what an award winning form looks like. Thank you Alex, it was perfect." To the rest of the class he continued, "With discipline and training, all of you can achieve in form and precision what Alex has done before you today. Class is over. For those of you staying for sparring we will begin in five minutes."

As the class began to breakup Chang came over to Alex. "Excellent form Alex, never missed one movement. So will you be joining us in sparring today?"

"Definitely! I'm all pumped up after that workout you put me through," laughed Alex.

Instructor Chang smiled and patted Alex on the shoulder "Good, I was hoping you would. I'll see you in a couple of minutes," and walked off. Alex went out of the training room to put on his gear, thinking through the previous routines he had done, walking through in his mind how he would respond to the attacks, and his counter attacks, his breathing and how he would control of his emotions. It was always the same, this was how he prepared himself mentally.

After donning his gear he stepped back into the training room looking at the new faces that had come to spar. As before, most were boys, but this time there was a slightly wider range in age from sixteen to about thirteen, and the two girls from the previous class had come back as well, and coming in behind Alex was Keith. Now how was this going to work, thought Alex. He wasn't afraid of getting hurt; he had sparred with better and older partners. Alex was more concerned on what he would do to him.

As he was finishing that thought Instructor Chang entered, accompanied by three other instructors, and once again introduced Alex to the class, this was getting embarrassing. Another round of warm-ups were completed and Instructor Chang split up the class into groups of four, three groups in all. Alex was placed with the older group managed by Instructor Chang. As they came together, Alex shook everyone's hand as they introduced each other. First was Jim, he looked the oldest and was a foot taller than Alex but somewhat overweight, next was Ed a head taller but well built, last was Bruce same height as Jim but like Ed in physical dimensions. All were bigger than Alex but that didn't matter to him; he could manage and not get hurt unless he was sloppy, or they got lucky.