Chapter 1: Bravado

When the dust has cleared
And victory denied
A summit too lofty
River a little too wide
If we keep our pride
Though paradise is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost

Rush, from the album Roll the Bones

Pictures.

That was what he had. That and memories. It was what kept him from forgetting her. Looking through the pictures was his way of keeping the memories alive; of keeping Lisa alive.

His name was Alex, Alex Thomason, and he was fourteen years old. He was now an only child, and that was what was troubling him. For twelve years he had shared his life with a sister named Lisa Anne Thomason, a year younger than he, and now she was gone.

For as long as he could remember they were the best of friends. It showed in the pictures that his mother and father had taken, and it showed in the ones, the special ones, that he placed in his album. They were always laughing or playing together, getting into trouble together. If she was doing something bad, he was right behind her, or vice versa.

Lisa was small for her age, with hair the color of her mother's, brown with a hint of red, and deep brown eyes that twinkled when she was planning mischief. Alex was more like his Dad, sandy colored hair with dark blue eyes, and an average size frame.

His first clear memory of Lisa was in his sixth year, when she was five and they had mashed her birthday cake in each other's faces. What he remembered most was the astonished look on his parent's faces, followed by the uninhibited laughter by everyone at the party. Both of them thought they were in big trouble when they were taken to the bathroom to be cleaned up by their parents, but were soon pleasantly surprised when mom and dad couldn't keep a straight face as they tried to discipline both kids. That was how Alex and Lisa were: playful, mischievous, and dedicated to one another.

Over the years, pictures such as these made their way into his album, triggering the memories that accompanied them. Neither showed the sibling rivalry other siblings showed, even though they were a year apart. Nothing showed their strong bond more than the picture of the two of them dancing in the rain on a warm early spring day singing 'April Showers bring May flowers'. Theirs' was a special relationship, one that began early on with trust and a bond that had never broken.

These were the thoughts that Alex had as he looked through the pictures. All of the pictures showed both of them smiling or laughing; as far as he could tell all the pictures he had ever seen of them portrayed them that way. It was the album that kept it all alive.

The album, grown large over the years, was put together by his mother when he was born, and she subsequently began adding pictures to it. She told him that it would be the record of his life, of the things that were important to him. As he got older he took over the archivist role from his mother and began adding his own pictures, mementos, and captions.

He flipped the pages back to the beginning of the album, wanting to start where it all began. The first page in his album portrayed his Dad with his parents, when he was young. There were not many pictures in his album from his Dad's youth. Most of the pictures of his Dad were from later in life, after he entered the military. Alex thought that before entering the military, something painful occurred in his Dad's life. Alex surmised that his Dad did not want anyone to know what it was because his Dad never talked much about his life before entering the military. Alex had known his grandparents, but when he had asked questions about his Dad growing up, they would give brief, non-committal answers, merely indicating that he was a good boy never getting into trouble. It seemed as though his grandparents were as secretive concerning his Dad's life as his Dad was; they seemed to carefully consider any questions that either Alex or Lisa had regarding him before giving a rather formulaic and unrevealing reply. There seemed to be some rift between them, something that neither wanted to get close to, or remember. Though his grandparents had died within the last few years, Alex had not been really close to either of them, something that Alex regretted after they had died.

The pictures of his Mother were considerably different. There were pictures of her from birth through to the day he was born, with several pictures of her and her parents. Nothing was left out, though generally only the most significant points in her life were covered. They included baby years, grade and high school, and pictures of Mom and Dad before they were married. Mom had changed in the pictures between high school and marrying Dad, from a teen girl with a soft complexion to a married woman with a fine figure. She had auburn colored hair, varying in lengths from mid back to just above the collar, and her eyes were a light brown. She was not a small woman at five feet six inches but had the slight figure of a dancer, though that had changed somewhat over the years, only natural after giving birth to two children. Her weight did not vary much in the pictures, staying between 130-135 pounds. His Mom's parents were always very open and loving towards their grandchildren and spoiling them whenever the opportunity presented itself.

The next pages were of his parent's wedding, which was a small affair as it was planned very quickly. There were several reasons for this, the most important being that Alex's Dad had only a one-week leave from the Marines and didn't want to wait another year. From what Alex could remember from the stories, the engagement was only a couple of months; though his parents had known each other since they were kids, their feelings for each other had always been kept to themselves. A reason was never made clear as to why the sudden change in their relationship, or how they were able to finally express their long held feelings for one another, but once they did it was a quick step to the alter. Some thought that they had to get married, but that rumor was quickly discarded when after several months she did not appear pregnant.

The pictures in his album of the wedding were sparse, only a half dozen or so, but they were significant. The first was of Mom walking down the aisle. The dress she wore was not a normal wedding dress, with the long train and veil, but a soft white flowing gown, with a simple but elegant tiara. Dad, seen on the side of the picture, wore his dress military uniform. The picture in the middle of the page was labeled the "I Do's" showing Mom and Dad facing each other while holding hands with the priest behind them. Just to his mom's left was the Maid of Honor, her best friend Julie Aronson. To Dad's right was Ron Frich the Best Man and Dad's closest friend from the Marines. The picture on the bottom of the page was captioned "The Kiss," which of course was their first kiss as Man and Wife. What was notable, at least from Alex's perspective was the stoic look of the Best Man, Ron. For some reason he looked like a statue, as opposed to Maid of Honor Julie, who was obviously giving a loud hoot while clapping her hands.

At the top of the next page was the "Family Portrait." Taken in front of the church, Mom's side of the immediate family was on the left and Dad's on the right. Next to Mom stood Grandma and Grandpa Rogers, with their son and daughter, Alex's Uncle Allen and Aunt Sharon to the left of them. To the left of Dad were Grandma and Grandpa Thomson. The picture underneath was "The Introduction" at the reception. The picture showed Mom and Dad walking past people either standing or in the process of standing and clapping. Dad had a huge smile on his face while Mom looked as she was saying something to someone out of the picture, obviously on cloud nine. The last picture of the page was "The Toast," given by Best Man Ron Frich. Ron is seen holding his glass up high, no longer with a stoic expression but with a broad smile on his face, and pointing at my Dad. Mom and Dad can be seen holding a glass in one hand while holding each other's hands with the other.

Turning the page was the largest photo of the album, an 8x10 of Mom and Dad dancing labeled "First Dance." Underneath the picture were the lyrics;

As time goes on
I realize
Just what you mean
To me
And now
Now that you're near
Promise your love
That I've waited to share
And dreams
Of our moments together
Color my world with hope of loving you

Their first dance as a married couple was to Chicago's "Just You 'n' Me". It was clear that there was great love between them as they danced. Both were looking at each other, their eyes locked and lost in each other. For as long as he could remember, whenever they heard a song from Chicago, his parents would look fondly at each other, and begin dancing if at all possible. They never explained why they did this, and when asked why they would just shrug their shoulders and say "Just because." That phrase had been part of Alex's and Lisa's answer to everything that they did, whether bad or good. Just because.

He quickly skipped over the next several pages that consisted of his mom in her various stages of pregnancy and his baby pictures. He kept turning the pages until he got to those photos that he had placed in the album. Though his Mom meant well, those early pictures were mostly just a record of his early years, and held little interest for him.

As he went through the next few pages of pictures he came to the pages that had his childhood friends. The picture that first grabbed his attention was of Alex and his new best friends Neil Albertson and Gary Smith standing in the front of school on their first day. Neil was the shortest of the three by a couple of inches. His darker complexion fit with his darker hair that was shorter than the others and was combed back. Gary had a fairer complexion and had sandy brown hair combed in the JFK style. Alex was in between the two boys in every way, height, build, skin complexion. Alex, Neil, and Gary had best friends since that first day. Where Neil and Gary were outgoing, Neil being the class clown, Alex was more reserved, not hiding in the background, but following the lead of the other two more outgoing boys. The three immediately were nicknamed the three amigos because they did everything together.

During that first year the bond that would tie them together all through grade school was built. Each would in time branch out into activities that were not shared by the others, but retained the enthusiastic support of the others.

Gary found a passion and talent for baseball. He was initially only an average pitcher, but through the years developed into one of the top five in the city. He was always a solid hitter, and became the best all around player in the league.

Neil excelled in soccer. He was fast, quick with his feet, had a great sense of balance, and had the stamina of a long distance runner. His ability to play at the top of his peer group was also enhanced by his on-field leadership that led to several championships.

Alex's strength was in Tae Kwon Do. His Dad, who learned hand-to-hand combat from the Marines, had introduced him to it when Alex saw his Dad practicing as part of his daily exercise ritual. As his interest grew, his Dad enrolled him in a local Dojo. Within a few years, Alex became the best in his age group, and had won several meets in both individual fighting and performance with several weapons. This would come to pass over several years, but the pages of the album were still on first grade.

Flipping to the next page he came to summer vacation. His family wasn't big on going away on vacations. They would go away for a week or two, but not to some far away or exotic locations, it was mostly to the mid-West's greatest vacation spot, Wisconsin Dells. It was a fun place to go but lacked the far away and exotic feel that would allow one to envision being somewhere different, somewhere far away from home. Yet the family always had fun. Alex and his sister would play in the pool or water park and pretend to be in some far off place like Hawaii or Mexico. Since they were so open with others, making friends was never a problem, and they would always find several other kids to play along with them.

The next page of the album was of second grade, which was just a continuation of first grade because all of his friends were back. Most of the pictures were of the high points of this year, the day trips to the Zoo and Museum as well as the talent shows that were put on by the school. The talent shows were the best, as the three Amigo's loved performing, and would sing the loudest or be the most overt in whatever they were doing in an attempt to call attention to themselves.

The following page was of the summer vacation to Mackinac Island in northern Michigan. The drive through Michigan was boring to an eight year old, but the ferry to the island more than made up for it. They had never been on a boat before, and Lisa and Alex pretended to be pirates. They would run up and down the ferry looking out across the lake for their next conquest. As quickly as they began playing pirates on the ferry, they arrived at the dock. The Island is straight out of the 1800's, and was a playground that Alex and Lisa enjoyed for the week that they were there. The next two pages of the album were filled with photos of the trip, showing smiling or laughing kids on the beach, in the fort, bike riding, or enjoying a horse drawn carriage ride through the town and around the island. It was the best vacation they would have as a family.

What caught his eye from the pictures was his sister Lisa. She had such a love of life. Always pushing the envelope in everything she did, and always with a positive attitude. She could talk Alex into anything, from going on the biggest and fastest roller coasters at Great America to challenges of daring do on their bicycles. Being a year younger and smaller than Alex did not make any difference in the challenges, which he won most of the time, though barely, in most cases.

Looking at these pictures, Alex mind began to drift, reliving cherished memories of the unrealized life of someone who had died far too soon, and the hole that was left in the lives of those who had to live on. His eyes began to mist up, followed by tears that began to fall, despite his efforts at holding them back. He hated this feeling. Most of all he hated living through it all over again. He squeezed his eyes tightly, trying to force the tears to stop, but as always, never truly succeeding.

He closed the album, stroking the cover, trying to make the connection to the memories within. He could see the face he hadn't seen in years, wondering what it would look like today. Imagining what memories he would have if she were still around.

He opened his eyes, thankful his parents had not found him like that. This is not something that they would need to see as it would have opened the same old wounds that Alex was trying to close.

He stood up and walked over to the mirror. He didn't want to look at himself, but was drawn to it. Why did he want to see his tear stained face? It was always the same, the emotions would take over, and he would have to look at the results. Was it that he wanted to know that he still had feelings; that he wanted to see for himself that he was capable of them? So much had happened to him that he wondered if this was what he needed to prove to himself that he was alive.

He turned away from the mirror and shook his head. He opened a backpack, picking out a T-shirt and carefully wiped his eyes. He slowly moved his eyes back to the mirror to check his reflection. Now that he had cleaned up his tears, he paid closer attention to his features, ensuring that no trace of his tears were visible. Though his eyes were still red, he picked up the album and put it on top of his bag. He walked back to the bed and picked up the list that he placed there earlier. He turned and walked over to his luggage. There was no need to check the list here, he packed last night and verified that he had everything.

He did not want to move. It was too soon, and the memories were too fresh. He did not want to lose them. But Dad got a new job, and they were moving from Chicago to the suburbs. Away from everything that he had known, away from the memories of his beloved sister.

It was summer now, June 10th 1995. Five and a half months after the accident that changed their lives and little has changed. Even his birthday, a time that would have been filled with great happiness and joy, was sedate as the normal family day of fun and dinner out was replaced by a day of quiet, with an uneventful carryout dinner at home. It wasn't that his parents didn't want to do anything special, it was Alex. He knew they were worried about him, and how he was dealing with the loss of his sister, but were not sure what to do. No one said anything about it. He had thought about it a lot over the past few months but he could never get past the grief. They talked about counseling, which Alex agreed to, and which he attended for a couple of weeks. It seemed to help, at least until the Doctor recommended medication. Alex didn't care one way or the other, but his parents, especially his Dad, were dead set against it.

For his mom and dad, it could have been far worse.

The memories washed across his mind, as if they were just yesterday.

Alex had been sick the day of the class trip to the Museum of Science and Industry for seventh and eighth graders and couldn't go. January in Chicago can be unforgiving, and January 26th was no exception. The day before had been warm for a change, mid 30's, and a 70% chance of precipitation was predicted late in the day. From all accounts IDOT (Illinois Department of Transportation) and the City of Chicago had their salt trucks out and covered the streets and highways through the night to meet the morning rush hour, but not before the rain mixed with snow began to fall.

At 11am on the 26th the three buses departed from their school taking the seventh and eight graders to the Museum. As the buses got onto the Stevenson expressway (I-55) going north to downtown Chicago, George Sherman, a truck driver with a suspended license, was driving a semi tractor-trailer carrying a load of iron to the scrap yard. He had been driving for 14 hours, making several runs to make extra money to pay for his son's operation to repair a defective heart valve. During the last hour, while stopped for breakfast he had felt a tingling in his left arm and tightness across the chest. Unknown to him, this was the beginning of a massive heart attack.

After breakfast he got in his truck and continued on his run. Entering the Stevenson at Pulaski, he merged into traffic and began a steady increase in speed to 45mph in order to match that of the flowing traffic. Several car lengths behind were the buses carrying the school kids. Though the roads were well salted, the temperature began to drop rapidly during rush hour to single digits, freezing what was on the ground.

As both Buses began to pass the truck on their way to downtown, the truck driver began to grimace as the tingling in his arm began turning to numbness and then to pain. He began flexing his arm trying to relieve the increasing pain as he headed underneath Damen Avenue. As the truck began the incline after passing underneath the overpass, the tightness in his chest increased and became pain in massive proportions. Gasping, and without thinking, he moved his right hand over to his chest, which now felt as though the truck he was driving was sitting on it. Inadvertently, he jerked the steering wheel to the left with the movement. The truck swerved quickly to the left hitting the school bus just behind the rear wheel, where Lisa and her friend Kaitlin were sitting, and pushed the bus into the cement guardrail. Pinned between the truck and the guardrail, the bus ground to a stop. The shaken bus driver turned around and saw several kids lying across seats or on the floor. Screaming and crying, all of the kids were in hysterics, and they began making their way forward, away from the back end of the bus that was pushed in by the truck. As they moved forward some kids began stepping over or on some of the others that were knocked down by the accident, as panic set in. Seeing this occurring, the driver yelled out "Stop. Lets all calm down, and let the children that have fallen down get up so we don't hurt them as we leave." Everyone stopped and helped those who had fallen get up. As they exited the bus Jimmy Thorton, the last to leave, said to the bus driver "Lisa, Kaitlin, Robby, and Jason aren't moving, and there's blood all over." The bus driver got on the two-way radio, reported the accident to dispatch and requested an ambulance.

The diver in the second bus, loaded with the eight graders, was not fortunate enough to stop in time to prevent a collision. The salt and frozen rain and snow on the highway conspired against him, and the sudden braking caused the bus to lose traction. It began sliding slightly to the right and slid into the rear of the truck. The sudden stop catapulted the bus driver into the windshield while tossing the children out of their seats. Though not as severe as the first bus' accident, the second did have injuries; the driver had a broken collarbone and several kids had minor scrapes and abrasions.

The third bus driver, seeing this unfold before him, lifted off the gas and began to carefully apply the brakes, bringing the bus to a safe stop.

Though help arrived quickly, to all involved it seemed a lifetime. The truck driver was slumped over the wheel, eyes open but unfocused. He would be dead within minutes of the accident, just one more victim of the heart attack that had so catastrophically distracted his attention. The four kids in the first bus were lying across one another. The broken glass from two of the shattered windows had been thrown at them with great force, causing several cuts, some deep enough to cause severe bleeding. The force of the impact and being totally unprepared for it is what caused the greatest damage. Lisa was talking animatedly to Kaitlin about their friend Janice's birthday party on Saturday and Robby and Jason were behind them talking about the upcoming basketball game. None of the four kids were aware of the impending accident.

None of the kids died immediately from the impact. Kaitlin and Robby were on the aisle seats and were somewhat shielded from the spraying glass. Lisa and Jason were in the window seats and both were hit by the frame of the bus as it was pushed in by the truck; they bore the brunt of most of the flying glass.