Chapter 8: I see

The day I told my mom that I was gay, was probably one of the hardest in my life. I ran every scenario I could think of in my head. I imagined my mom... disappointed in me. I also imagined that she might be angry with me, even if it was something that I couldn't change about myself. I imagined that she'd look at me and see something... disgusting, see someone who wasn't her son. Of course, I really shouldn't have worried with my mom, and she proved that to me.

After she died, the fact that I'd not only been left alone, but left alone as a sixteen-year-old gay boy wasn't exactly a concern for me. But, that could have been because I wasn't really left alone with my secret. I'd moved in with my grandmother, who knew what I was and had no complaints about it. And the truth was, she'd always been supportive of it.

Moving away from home--that had been a lot more frightening than I'd ever been willing to admit. I think those first few days I was here, I masked most of that fear with all of the anger I was feeling. All that time, I was letting everyone know that I wasn't happy about being there, blaming Eddie, hating him for making me move there, hating him for existing--hell, I chose to see him as nothing more than a deadbeat dad and I liked hating him, because that made him the one with a problem. I was above him. And all of that anger towards him, it had been a way to mask the fear I felt, the fear of wondering what would happen if he ever found out about me.

I guess you could say, it was all about first impressions. I wanted to be the better person when it came to meeting the father I never knew. Notice, I didn't say the bigger person. I wanted to be better than him, and it wasn't difficult to feel that way, when I thought he really was the ass who ran out on my mom. But, when I discovered the truth, that Eddie really was a nice guy, that he actually could have been a good father... I felt like shit. Not only had a treated him badly, but I wasn't even worth his time as his son. I turned out gay, and I'd truly believed, that if Eddie knew that, he'd see me as worthless as I saw him a few days ago. If I was going to be completely honest, that type of rejection was frightening in itself.

But now... well, now I was waiting to wake up. I felt like I was having a dream. A really weird dream where I was sitting in a tiny deli with Aaron Keslin, gripping a package from my deceased mother and listening to the first boy I'd ever kissed tell me that my biological father was as gay as I was, and to quote Aaron, I lived in the house of queers.

Eddie.

Jase.

Luke.

Gay.

All of them.

Weird. Definitely weird. Unless Aaron was making it up--I'm not sure I'd put it past him to make it up--but the way he was looking at me like I was the one who was crazy, would suggest otherwise.

"Rory?" he said after a few minutes of me just staring at him. "You... did know that, right?" Even as he asked it, I could hear in his voice that he already knew the answer. "I mean, you'd have to know..."

I abruptly stood up, and Aaron stood with me, watching as I held the package to my chest.

"Can you take me back home?" I asked.

"Sure... but, I thought you wanted to go meet Eddie..."

"I need to go back to the house," I said. Why did I need to go back to the house? Actually, I had no idea whatsoever. But, I knew that I couldn't go to Eddie's office. There was no way I could go talk to him at the moment. At least, there was no way I could talk to him rationally. I think the only reason why I felt as calm as I did was because of the shock and confusion I was experiencing. It was all slowly sinking in. So, while I was still thinking rationally, I decided that I should warn myself that there was no telling how long it would last. "Can you please take me back to the house, Aaron?"

"If that's what you want," he replied."Let me just finish my lunch..."

"There's no time to finish your lunch!" I suddenly snapped, making him jump and causing a few people look in our direction. "I have to go home! Everyone's gay, and if you're hungry I'll find something to feed you when we get there. Just hurry up."

Aaron regarded me with a bemused expression as I turned and walked out of the restaurant, not bothering to wait for him. I didn't have time to wait for him. I wasn't sure why I was in a hurry, or what I was in a hurry to do at this point, but I felt the need to move fast--or to just do something. Sitting there wasn't exactly appealing to me at the moment. Fortunately, Aaron, who was looking even more confused, and possibly a little worried now, didn't argue. He was back in the car with me a few minutes later and driving back towards the house as I continued to stare blankly down at the package.

I think I was overwhelmed with everything that had happened today. I also thought that I had a right to be. There was Aaron... the package... and now this. Gay. Everyone was gay. Seriously? Well, what the fuck? I mean, just... Damn it. I couldn't think straight. There were too many thoughts, all coming together. Like Luke, someone like him, not having a girlfriend should have been my first clue. Eddie and Jase... well, what the hell type of grown men, with no apparent mommy complex, successful careers, and I have to admit, good looks, live with their brother? The fact that they didn't even look alike wouldn't have really even made an impression on me before now.

But now... I felt so stupid. Yes, stupid. I felt like I'd been sitting here the whole time while they all just... played me for a fool. I mean, now that I was really thinking about it, it's not like certain things weren't obvious, and you would think that someone who was gay would have picked up on these things. I, however, couldn't point out a homosexual from a foot away. So now I felt like such an idiot, and that made me feel... shit, it pissed me the hell off.

And why shouldn't I be angry about it? It was bad enough that my mother withheld information about my father from me my whole life, now I was discovering that Eddie was withholding information from me too. Even after he knew how crazy it made me the first time he did it. Sure, I hadn't exactly been forthcoming about my own sexuality. But I was the teenager. You'd think I'd have more leniency in a situation like this. But Eddie... well, it sure would have been helpful to know that I was living in a house, as Aaron put it, full of queers.

And my grandma! I bet Alice knew about this. Nasty old woman. That's probably why she kept pushing me to tell Eddie that I was gay. But, why the hell couldn't she have just told me the truth about it from the beginning? Shit. I needed to stop asking questions like that. It was obvious that every adult around me had a knack for lying to me... and even Luke. I think more than anything, I was disappointed that Luke didn't tell me. But, I couldn't fault him as much as Eddie. Luke was supposed to be my friend, yes, and he could have told me, yes... but I knew that I could have just as easily told him the truth about me. Eddie, I saw differently, though. He was the adult. He should have told me.

Damn. This was all so... so much. I was beginning to feel like my head would explode if I found out that one more thing had been kept from me. On one hand I wanted to call up Eddie, or Jase, or Luke... it didn't matter. I just wanted to yell at one of them, letting them know that I knew. But, at the same time I felt like they should be telling me the truth. Especially Eddie. I wanted to hear it from him. I wanted him to fess up.

"They're gay?" I finally blurted, interrupting the silence and feeling exasperated, and Aaron looked over at me.

"You seriously didn't know?"

"No! But you know what? I'm getting used to not knowing! Seriously, does everyone around here make a habit out of withholding important information?"

"How could you not have known?" Aaron replied skeptically. "It's not like any of them really keep it a secret. Luke, especially. He came out at school a few months before it ended. He really didn't tell you?"

"No," I said with a frown, "and Eddie and Jase... shit, they told me they were brothers." I shook my head in disgust, but Aaron started laughing. It wasn't very helpful.

"Brothers? And you believed them?" he asked incredulously, with a look on his face that said he obviously didn't believe something that I was saying.

"I don't know. I just met them!" I snapped. "What the hell was I supposed to think?"

Aaron's smile faded as he realized that I didn't think this situation was funny, and he let out a breath, obviously having no idea what to say as we fell into another silence. It was probably a good thing that we hadn't made it very far into town before Aaron pulled over, because all I wanted to do was to get back to the house, and when we got there, I was out of the car before he even brought it to a stop.

"Rory!" Aaron called after me as he rushed to catch up, but I didn't slow down as I held onto the package and moved into the house. I went right to the living room and stopped in front of all of the pictures that I'd seen on my first day there. The sound of Chey, disgruntledly barking, was the only thing that told me Aaron had followed me in. But, I didn't have enough of an attention span to pay attention to that at the moment as I tried to take note of every single picture.

No gay clues here.

There was the one picture of Eddie and Jase together, but just by looking at it you couldn't tell that they were anything more than friends, although now I really was looking at it a little differently, and the idea of the two of them together was... weird.

"Rory," Aaron's voice came again, and this time I looked back to see Chey had him cornered, and he was beginning to look a little worried.

"Chey!" I called, somewhat impatiently, and the dog stopped barking to follow me to the kitchen, where I let her out the sliding glass door before I turned to face Aaron, who was watching me curiously.

"What are you doing?" he asked me.

"I don't know," I admitted. I passed by him, dropping the package on the kitchen counter before I left the room and headed for the stairs. Aaron followed me, but I was too preoccupied to pay him any attentionas I moved up the stairs two at a time until I came to the hall and paused, trying to remember where Eddie said that his and Jase's individual rooms were.

Yes, I planned to snoop. Maybe I believed Aaron already, and the fact that my biological father was gay was starting to sink in, but in this situation I felt like I needed... proof. It was one of those needing-to-see-it-to-believe-itissues. I just needed to know for sure. So I chose Jase's room first. I let the door swing open, and then I stood there for a moment before entering cautiously.

"What are you doing?" Aaron asked again, from right behind me now.

"This is Jase's room," I said, more to myself than to him as I looked around at the perfectly made bed, the dresser, the clear nightstand with the phone and the fake plant, a few tacky wall hangings and an otherwise bare room.

"Okay," Aaron replied slowly as I moved into the room and looked around for a moment before I slowly moved to the dresser first and pulled the first drawer open. I must have stared at it for a full minute before I let it sink in that it was completely empty, and after that I lost some control as I began to tear open every dresser in the room. Empty. Empty. Empty.

"Hey... Rory!" Aaron placed a hand on my shoulder, but I shook him off and moved to the closet, pulling it open too. Empty, unless you count the old vacuum cleaner.

"He said this was Jase's room," I mumbled, as I passed Aaron again and went across the hall to open the door to Eddie's room.

I paused in the doorway and looked around, this time seeing something that actually looked like a bedroom that someone lived in. The bed was made, but it looked like whoever made it was in a hurry. The floor was clean and vacuumed, except for a sock that had fallen out of the clothes hamper--the first place I went. I lifted a red shirt right out of the dirty clothes and suddenly turned to face Luke as I held it up.

"This is Jase's shirt!" I announced. "He was wearing it yesterday. This is what he put on when we got home from the water park."

"So?" Aaron raised an eyebrow at me.

"So, they're sharing a room!" I said incredulously as I dropped the shirt and moved over to the closet to open it.

"Look," Aaron said, frowning at me, becoming more apparently uncomfortable as I opened the closet and looked in to confirm that both Jase's and Eddie's wardrobes were in it. "Maybe we should get out of here, Rory. What are you doing, anyway?"

I just shook my head and left the closet before passing by Aaron again, this time to move over to the nightstand where I pulled another drawer open. I really had no idea what I was looking for. The fact that Jase and Eddie obviously shared a room, should have had me picking up the phone, dialing Eddie... or even Jase, if I still couldn't reach Eddie, and demanding an explanation. But, I couldn't do that yet. I still felt like I was missing something, even with all the evidence that I wasn't living with brothers directly in front of me. I really had no idea what I was looking for in that room--a bedroom I knew I had no business being in, in the first place. But, whatever it was that I was looking for, I was pretty sure that I found it when I opened the nightstand drawer and lifted out the five-by-seven framed photograph that probably had a place right there on the nightstand, next to the alarm clock... before I came into the picture.

I stared at the photograph of Eddie and Jase. It was one of those corny-looking photographs, those self-portraits where one person holds up the camera at arm's length. In this case, it was Eddie taking the picture because Jase had his arms around him, and he was kissing Eddie's cheek... Eddie was smiling... I guess, the image took me off guard. They looked happy together. More importantly, they looked completely comfortable with each other. I'd never really seen anything like it. They made the fact that they were two men together look... natural. But, the image, as fascinating as I found it, was entirely disturbing as well. I'd developed a certain image of who Eddie and Jase were in my mind. This was not that image. Now, I wasn't really sure what to think of it as I stared hard at the picture, almost afraid to blink because I was still taking it in, as I slowly sat down on the bed and wondered how the hell I could have missed this. I hardly even noticed when the mattress dipped as Aaron sat beside me; although, I was aware that we were so close that our shoulders were touching as he leaned over to look at the picture I was holding.

"You really had no idea?" Aaron asked, but there was no longer any amusement or teasing in his voice.

"They didn't exactly go around advertising it," I replied defensively. I couldn't help it. I felt like I needed to defend myself for being so blind to my own surroundings.

"So... I take it they don't know about you, either," Aaron said after a moment, obviously not discouraged by my agitated tone.

"No," I admitted. "But like I said, I just met them... I can't believe he didn't tell me." I shook my head, feeling oddly disturbed that Eddie would hide his entire lifestyle from me... and not just Eddie, all of them. I mean, they'd hidden their lives from me, especially Jase and Eddie. They were a couple--as good as married, according to Aaron. And yet, they were hiding it. I suppose if I was thinking rationally, I would consider that maybe they withheld the truth because of the same reasons I had. Only, Jase and Eddie had done more than withhold the truth from me, they'd buried it, and it was difficult for me to understand why, which was probably the reason for some of my anger.

"But... it's not really a bad thing, right?" Aaron asked.

"Huh?" I asked, frowning. How was this not bad?

"You know, I mean... you know now. You can tell them about you and not have to worry about it. It's probably better this way, right?"

"Better?" I repeated. "How is it better? It seems like everyone around me has lost the ability to tell the truth... and that's probably giving them too much credit considering that it seems like no one knew how to tell the truth in the first place. Not even my mom... she never even told me who my father was! She didn't even tell me that she was looking for him when she was dying. I found out about a month afterwards... and then I find out that he didn't even know about me! And Eddie knew that I couldn't take any more secrets and he still didn't tell me about this!"

"Wait," Aaron insisted. "Look, I know you're upset... but I have no idea what you're talking about."

I frowned at Aaron, feeling entirely inconvenienced that I was trying to vent on him and he really did have no idea what I was talking about.

"Eddie's my father," I explained. "I only just met him when I came here. I didn't even know he existed until after my mom died, and apparently he didn't know about me either. And he should have told me... he knew I couldn't take anymore..."

"Eddie's your dad?" Aaron asked, looking at me almost as if he thought I was speaking a foreign language.

"Yes, and apparently I inherited more from him than I thought," I said, shaking my head."Maybe it really is genetic."

"But you said that Luke's your cousin," Aaron replied, still looking confused, and his comment made me stop and think.

Was Luke my cousin? Well, how the hell should I know at this point?

"Why don't you tell me?" I responded bitterly. "Obviously, you know more about it than I do. Is Luke my cousin? Hell, does it even matter? I'm sure he could be my grandpa at this point and no one would bother to tell me about it!"

"If Eddie's your dad then Luke's not your cousin," Aaron replied calmly, obviously choosing to ignore my outburst. "Luke and Jase are cousins, Eddie's not related to them... at least, I'd hope not... Hey, I bet you're relieved about that at least," he said, smiling.

"Huh?" What was there to be relieved about?

"That Luke's not your cousin," Aaron explained. "I mean, you know he's hot. I bet you feel a little relieved that you're not related. Seriously, if I lived under the same roof as Luke, every night I'd be..."

"Aaron! Just... don't," I cut him off, annoyed that he'd bring up something like that at a time like this. "You know what?" I said, shaking my head, standing up and dropping the picture of Eddie and Jase on the nightstand before I headed for the door. "You need to go. I have too much shit to deal with right now."

"Rory," he called, following me, "hold on, alright? Will you just calm down? I don't see what the big deal is."

"Of course you don't!" I suddenly turned on him in the hallway. "Just like you didn't see what the big deal was when you let Luke take the blame for stealing that car!" I was full of frustration that I needed to get out, and unfortunately for Aaron, he was the only one there who I could take it out on. But unfortunately for me, he wasn't having it.

"Hey, if you want to bring that shit up, fine," he retorted. "But we're not talking about me right now, we're talking about you. I really don't see what the big deal is, Rory. So they didn't tell you, I get that... actually, I don't get that. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but that's not the point. You know the truth now, so why let it get to you? I mean, it's not like you were in a hurry to tell them about you, was it?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" I argued. "Eddie should have told me! According to you they don't keep things a secret, but they've been hiding it from me since day one! How the hell am I supposed to react?"

"You could consider yourself lucky," Aaron replied after a moment, some of the edge leaving his voice. "Look, I don't really know what's going on here, Rory. But, if Eddie's your dad, then... you should consider yourself lucky. At least you can tell him you're gay now and not have to worry about whether or not he'll accept you. I could never do that with my parents."

"It's not the point, Aaron," I stated.

"Well, maybe it should be," he replied. "Maybe they had a reason for not telling you... and whether or not they did, you have to admit that this is a good thing."

A good thing? A good thing? How the hell was this a good thing? Okay, I admit it. If Eddie was gay, it really did relieve me of a lot of the fears I had regarding how Eddie would react if he ever found out about me. But to me, that really wasn't the point. I couldn't look at this incident and see the good in it because I was too busy looking at the bigger picture, and that was, people didn't see the point in being honest with me. I didn't even want to hear their excuses, either. I didn't think I could take it if someone said it was for my own good, which I'm sure was the popular excuse.

"You don't understand," I said to Aaron, and then continued down the hall, with him following again. "You wouldn't understand... and you shouldn't be here. I left that message for Eddie and he could be home any minute. He's not Luke, but I assume he's not a fan of yours either, so you should probably go."

"I thought Eddie was in court. There's no telling when he'll be back here," Aaron replied as we reached the bottom of the stairs, and I found myself turning on him again.

"Look, you still have to go. If you haven't noticed, I'm dealing with a little crisis here, and no offense, but I hate that you're trying to be the voice of reason. Just leave, Aaron."

I turned to head for the kitchen, where I'd left the package. I don't know why I expected Aaron to respect my wishes and just get out, but either way, it took me by surprise when he suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

"Get off!" I demanded as I spun around and pulled my arm away from him at the same time. He didn't hurt me, but the action had definitely taken me by surprise and I found myself getting defensive again.

"Will you just stop acting like a little bitch?" he shouted at me, and both his words and his voice made me jump. He had that aggressive edge there again, and it was one I found incredibly intimidating, and just like at the park, I suddenly felt like Aaron was towering over me, and I think I actually cowered. "I'm not fucking going anywhere until you talk to me! I'm sorry you weren't smart enough to figure out that your dad's fucking around with another man, but stop fucking taking it out on me!"

"You..." I started in a tone just as aggressive as his, but before I could say anything he cut me off.

"You've been treating me like shit since I got here. I came over here to talk to you, Rory. I did that because I like you and I thought we could try to start over, not to be your chauffeur, or to let you turn me into your whipping boy. If you have a problem with Eddie or Luke, or Jase, take it out on them, not me."

"I plan on it!" I said defiantly, mostly because it was the only thing I could think of. I hadn't counted on Aaron confronting me over my behavior. "And I do have a problem with you. I don't want you here. I never asked you to come over, anyway. Just get out and stay the hell away from me!"

Aaron took a step back, looking obviously upset at that, but he at least tried to keep a straight face.

"You really want me to stay away from you?" he asked flatly.

"Yes." I said, although the word didn't exactly sound right coming out of my mouth. I knew I said exactly what I was supposed to say, but suddenly there was another knot in my stomach as my new dilemma involving my housemates floated to the back of my mind and I remembered running into Aaron yesterday, being kissed for the first time, thinking about it, and all the things that I wanted to ask him... and the fact that he'd just admitted that he liked me... and the fact that before I found out what he did to Luke I'd been developing my own feelings for him. Yes, I knew that it would be best if he just stayed away from me. But, no, I don't think I wanted him to. Not really. "You shouldn't have come over here. It's too complicated with Luke, and..."

"That's not what I asked," Aaron interrupted.

"Please, just leave now," I stated. No matter what, I really did need him to go. There was something I had to do, and I had to do it alone... and I needed to think. I needed to think and I needed to be angry. I wanted to be angry right now; it was the only thing keeping me from going crazy with all of the mixed emotions I was feeling. Aaron, being the voice of reason and pointing out the good things about this situation, just wasn't something that I needed.

"Fine," he replied coldly as he turned towards the front door and stormed away from me without another word. He didn't even look back. I guess, despite my mixed feelings, I was pretty sure that Aaron wouldn't be showing up again anytime soon... and maybe that was for the best. I just wished that I didn't feel so bad about the way he left... and the way I'd been treating him for the last hour or so. But, I didn't take the time to dwell on it. I couldn't. There were too many other things I needed to focus on.

When I reached the kitchen, I went straight for the package again, but this time when I got to it, I didn't hesitate to lift up the closest knife. I cut along the tape edges carefully, but quickly, and soon, I was opening the box up one-handedly as I carried it to the kitchen table and sat down.

I paused for a moment, not because I felt bad about opening it without Eddie--there was no way I was going to feel guilty about that now--but I paused as I thought about my mother again. I thought about the questions I had, about why she never told me about Eddie--or Eddie about me; and with this new information, which I was still trying to digest--Eddie being gay--my mind began to speculate all sorts of things, but mainly, I wondered if she kept it a secret because Eddie was gay. That alone was hard enough for me to understand. When I came out to my mother, she'd been nothing but understanding. She never once treated me differently, she never once showed disappointment... but now I thought, maybe that was a lie too. Maybe finding out that her son was gay hurt her, and she just hid it because she didn't want to hurt me. If that was the case, I wasn't sure that I could take it. I could go the rest of my life, regretting that I ever told my mother that I was gay, something I thought I'd never do. The idea that I'd hurt her, that I'd disappointed her before she died, was unbearable for me.

I wanted the answers to my questions, but at the same time, I was terrified of them. I needed to know, regardless, though. I stared at the opened box on the table in front of me, and I wondered if any of those answers were inside of it. I guess it was time to stop wondering. I let out a breath, and for some reason, I felt sad as I started to unload the individual items, placing them on the table in front of me. I felt sad, and nervous, so nervous in fact, that I noticed my hands shaking as I sorted through this box from my mother.

I looked at each item carefully as I placed them down on the table. There were four items total. A sealed brown, unmarked envelope. Two letter-sized white envelopes, which I prevented myself from tearing open right away as I placed on the table. They both had my mother's handwriting on the front, one addressed to me, and the other to Eddie. And then there was the last item. It was the size of a shoe box, wrapped in shiny red paper, and on the top it read: Happy seventeenth, Rory. Just this once, you have permission to open it early. Love, Mom.

A birthday present? But, my birthday was months away. I never in a million years thought I'd see another gift from my mother. I can't even begin to explain how incredibly devastating that thought was. This would be the last one.

I moved my hand over the letters written there on the wrapping paper, written in permanent black ink, and it was as if suddenly as if all of the stress I was feeling caught up to, and the next thing I knew, I was breaking down. There were tears. There were those horrible choking sobs as I tried to hold them back. Then, there was acceptance that it was going to happen, and I let myself cry. I probably looked like a fool, sitting there at the kitchen table as I choked back sobs without any control over my emotions whatsoever, but I think it was one of those times that I really needed it. I allowed myself to feel my mother's absence... and my disappointment over the fact that no one seemed to trust me enough to tell me the truth. I just let myself feel it, and when it was over, I was silent as I placed the early birthday present aside and reached for the white envelope with my name on it.

I did take my time opening the letter, but I think it had something to do with the fact that in a weird way, I didn't want to damage anything with my mother's handwriting on it. That, and I needed my vision to clear as the last of my tears ran down my face. But when it was open, and I unfolded the letter to hold it in front of me, I could see the words written there perfectly clearly, and I felt frighteningly calm as I started to read them.