Chapter 5: Starting over

Ouch! Anyone with common sense would have gone back inside. Apparently, I didn't have any. I could hear Eddie and Jase calling me, but I couldn't go back. I just needed to think. Too bad I couldn't have been thinking with my shoes on.

The ground wasn't exactly fun to walk on as I distanced myself from the house, and I was beginning to really feel the pain in my foot where I'd stepped on the glass. It wasn't helping that practically every time I took a step I was stepping on something sharp and hard. But, it was dark, and I couldn't see anything that I was stepping on.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I could hear Luke's warning about coming out here after dark, but it didn't exactly worry me at the moment. I think part of me wished that something nice and poisonous would bite me. I didn't want to die. Not at all. I was upset, not suicidal. But, I've heard that people who have near-death experiences sometimes 'see the light.' Maybe if something got me good enough to put me out for a while I could have one of those, and maybe my light could be my mom.

I wanted to talk to her so bad. Logically I knew that I couldn't. It wasn't possible. But I was having a difficult time accepting that fact. I needed her to tell me why. I just wanted it explained to me. Why had she kept me away from Eddie? Should I be angry with her for this? I mean, I felt anger towards her because she sent me here in the first place to be with Eddie. Did it even make sense for me to be angry with her for keeping me away from him?

I felt so confused. And I hated being confused. Being confused over this felt so hopeless because I had no answers. And at the moment, it didn't look like any answers would be coming.

I saw light. Flashlights. They were looking for me, but in the wrong direction. I guess that was a good thing for the time being. I really didn't want to be found. But, even as unstable as I felt at the moment, I knew that I needed to stop walking. My feet ached. They burned, all the way down to my toes. Each step I took seemed worse than the last.

When my foot kicked something hard I winced and then reached out and felt a rock. Wiping at the damned silent tears that had been running down my face, I turned to sit down, only to yelp when I felt a sharp pain in my right butt cheek. Of course, my first thought was that I'd gotten my wish.

I'd gone off and gotten myself bitten in the ass by a snake.

But then a City Slickers flashback hit me and it came to mind that I probably had just run into a cactus, like Luke warned me about. I looked back and could barely make the plant out, but it was there. As I inched away from it and climbed up on the rock, I guess I was just grateful that I hadn't been facing the other way when I ran into it.

I sat on the rock, flinching when the hard surface came into contact with my punctured ass and I lifted my sore feet, wrapping my arms around my knees. What the hell was I doing? I mean, sure I wanted to think. I wanted to be left alone so I could get my thoughts together. But Jesus, what was wrong with me? I mean, it would have been much more reasonable to lock myself in my room. But no, I had to go running off into the damned desert. And now my feet hurt too bad to walk back. And I didn't really have the guts to call out for help. I wasn't even sure how I'd begin to face Eddie right now. So feeling defeated, I closed my eyes and let more tears fall as I kept asking myself why my mom would do this to me.

I wasn't sure how long I just sat there, but the feeling of something wet and slobbery on my hand scared the hell out of me. And of course I jumped to the more unreasonable conclusion, thinking:coyote!

When I opened my eyes and saw Chey I wasn't sure if I was happy to see her or not, but when the light flashed over me and I held up my arm to shield my eyes I think I was a little happy to see it.

"Rory?" Luke called as he lowered the light and moved closer."What the hell are you doing? We've been calling you."

He was still dressed in nothing but a pair of jean shorts and he had slid on a pair of sandals. I guess Jase and Eddie had recruited him to help look for me too. He looked annoyed until he got a better look at my tear-streaked face, then he just looked sympathetic as he pulled Chey away from me and the flashlight shined on my feet, and for the first time since I left the house I could see that I was literally dripping blood from my left foot.

"Fuck," Luke muttered, kneeling in front of me as he placed the flashlight on the rock, aimed at my foot as he lifted it and I flinched."Sorry... what the hell happened?"

"I stepped on glass," I mumbled."Sorry I broke your picture."

Luke looked up at me and actually cracked a smile before he went back to inspecting my foot. I was glad that he was looking at it because I seriously didn't want to.

"You might need stitches," he announced. "We need to get you back to the house."

"Are Eddie and Jase mad?" I asked stupidly.

"Worried out of their damn minds, more like it," Luke replied."I'd really better get you back to the house before they call the police. You can't walk like this..."

"I ran into a cactus," I complained.

"You step on it?" Luke asked, lifting my other foot to inspect it too."I see splinters, but..."

"Sat on it," I admitted, and then laughed at myself, and the idea of actually sitting on a cactus. Luke gave me a small smile and then stood up, lifting the flashlight again. I almost lost my balance when he placed a hand on my shoulder and forced me to lean forward so he could shine the light on my butt.

I frowned."Hey..."

"You sure did." It sounded like Luke was trying not to laugh, but failing miserably. I glared back at him and he at least had the decency to look apologetic. "Hold still," he said, bending down to wrap an arm around my chest to help me keep my balance as I leaned forward. I was starting to get a little worried.

"What are you doing?" I demanded, jumping when I felt his fingers brush my sore ass.

"Just don't move," he insisted. "You've got a needle, I'm gonna get it out."

"A needle?"

I flinched when I felt him pull at something through my jeans, out of my skin and when he held up the long cactus needle, tinted red, for me to see, my eyes widened and I started feeling a little sick. Luke saw my reaction and quickly dropped the needle before taking a seat next to me on the rock. His arm moved around my back and I actually found myself leaning into him, annoyed with myself for acting like such a big baby.

"Hey," Luke said gently, "we need to get you back inside, your foot's still bleeding, Rory. We can't really stop it out here."

I shook my head."I can't go back there."

"It'll be alright. No one's mad."

"I don't know why she did it," I mumbled. "It doesn't make sense. My mom wouldn't do something like that."

"Hey, we'll figure it out, okay? Come on; let's get back to the house. I'm gonna have to carry you."

"You can't carry me," I said, frowning.

Luke smirked."I could call Eddie and he can carry you back."

That was definitely not something I wanted. I was embarrassed enough as it was, and needing Eddie's help wouldn't exactly make me feel better.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked, glaring at Luke.

Luke smiled and then knelt down in front of the rock with his back facing me.

"Climb on," he insisted.

I frowned and managed to get off the rock without putting too much pressure on my bare feet, but it still hurt. I also felt ridiculous, climbing on Luke's back, piggyback style, as I placed my hands loosely on his bare shoulders and he wrapped his arms under my knees as he abruptly stood up, with seemingly no trouble at all.

"You all right?" he asked as my arms moved around his neck.

"Yeah," I muttered as he started walking back towards the house, whistling for Chey to follow us. It was weird being carried, but Luke didn't even seem to bat an eye; and as ridiculous as I felt at the moment, I was actually kind of comfortable there with him. "Luke?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry."

"Forget about it." He smiled back at me."We're all allowed to have bad days."

"It feels like more than just a bad day."

"It'll be okay Rory," he insisted."Just give it some time."

I was tired of giving it time. Now, I was just tired. And my feet were starting to sting. I could feel the cut on my left foot and even my right foot hurt from walking over who knows what. I was also dreading the idea of facing Eddie.

When we reached the house, Eddie and Jase were both there, Eddie was on the phone but as soon as he saw us, he hung up and joined Jase as he came over and looked down at my bloody foot.

"The kitchen," Jase said shortly.

"No," Eddie argued, "I think we need to go to the hospital."

"Just, hold on," Jase insisted."Luke, take him to the kitchen."

I sat there silently, holding onto Luke. They were talking about me like I wasn't there anyway, so I didn't feel the need to contribute to the conversation. When Luke put me down finally, I ended up at the dining room table and he took the seat next to me, watching as Jase appeared in front of me with a first-aid kit.

Jase lifted my left foot with no argument from me, inspecting it again while Eddie watched over his shoulder.

"It's not too deep," Jase stated."We can clean him up here. We'd better find the tweezers, he's all full of splinters."

"I'll find them," Eddie volunteered. Again, no one said anything to me, and Eddie didn't even make eye contact before he walked away. Actually, the way everyone was regarding me was making me nervous. Especially Eddie. So far he'd had no trouble trying to talk to me when I didn't want him to, but now that I needed someone to talk to me like I was actually there, he seemed completely detached, like he couldn't face me for some reason.

I felt like I was supposed to say something to him. It was just beginning to hit me, what I'd learned tonight. Eddie didn't even know about me. He was just a normal guy, living his life. And he'd probably been happy, too, until he found out, after sixteen years, that he had a son. He'd had his life turned upside down just as much as I had. Maybe I'd been too hard on him. But, it wasn't like I could just start liking him because now I knew the truth. It's not like he'd told me the truth in the first place. No one had.

Okay, maybe I hadn't exactly been open to hearing the truth. But seriously, as much as I hated to admit it, Jase had been right. If Eddie had just told me, sat me down and made me listen, I definitely would have heard him.

I guess it didn't matter anymore. Now I knew, and it didn't matter how I'd found out. The whole night had left me confused, and frankly, pissed off at just about every adult in my life. I was angry with my mother, and even Grandma Alice. She'd known about this. She would have had to. It's probably why she'd been pushing for me to talk to Eddie. If she'd just told me this from the beginning, if anyone had... well, I'm not sure that I'd want to move in with Eddie any more than I had in the first place, but at least I would have known the truth.

I was beginning to feel a little sick, and I could feel those dreaded tears coming back. I knew logically that it was all emotion. I couldn't help it. I felt like I'd been hit with a major blow tonight.

"Rory?" It was Luke. Luke was talking to me, not acting like I was just there. I looked at him across the table and he smiled at me. "I'm gonna get something to drink, are you thirsty?"

I managed to smile at him and I nodded, just happy that I wasn't being ignored.

"Why don't you put on some coffee, Luke," Jase suggested as he began to carefully clean the blood from my foot. The cut was just below my big toe, probably about an inch and a half long, but it hurt, and it was a struggle not to move around too much while Jase was cleaning it up. It only hurt worse when he inadvertently pressed against one of the splinters. "This might take a while."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, to no one in particular.

Jase looked up and gave me a small, sympathetic look and a thoughtful smile that somehow made me feel better, before he turned his attention back to what he was doing.

"You shouldn't have run off like that," he said, but he didn't sound angry.

"I know," I admitted.

"So why did you?" Jase asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I wasn't really thinking."

"Well what were you feeling then?" Jase asked."Maybe a little scared, angry, confused?"

My natural reaction was to argue that I wasn't afraid of anything. I mean, I didn't know many guys my age who would admit to being afraid. Only, I guess I had been afraid. I was afraid to talk to Eddie.

"I dunno," I replied in response to his question.

"What did you think you would accomplish, running out there?" he asked.

Luke laughed. "God, Jase. You're not at work, can't you lay off him?"

"Isn't it past your bedtime?" Jase said, narrowing his eyes at Luke, and I managed another smile.

"Do you want your coffee or not?" Luke shot back from over by the counter.

Jase just smiled and shook his head before looking at me apologetically when he brushed over another splinter.

I looked up when Eddie returned, carrying two sets of tweezers.

"Is it still bleeding?" he asked.

"I think we're getting it under control," Jase replied as he sprayed some antiseptic on my cut before covering it with a piece of cotton and some gauze. "The splinters will be the tricky part."

I frowned. Cleaning up my cut was one thing but I was beginning to feel self-conscious. I didn't like being the center of so much attention and removing all of the splinters could take forever.

"Um, I'm okay," I spoke up hesitantly."I mean, if I just took a shower, maybe..."

I jumped a little when Eddie suddenly placed a hand on my knee and made eye contact for the first time since I came in. The look he gave me shut me up. But, like Jase, it wasn't an angry look. He actually looked concerned.

"Let us take care of this, Rory," he said quietly."Does it hurt a lot?"

I silently shook my head. Sure, it hurt, but not so much that there was blinding pain. Eddie gave me a small smile before lifting my other foot, gently even. It put me slightly off balance until Luke slid a stool over, and with both of my feet up Jase and Eddie went to work on the splinters.

It was all very awkward. There was talk about what chores needed to be done over the next week, and how Eddie and Jase both planned to take a week or so off of work this summer so we could all go do something, and there was even talk about the party that Luke was going to have for his friend and the amount of people he wanted to invite was negotiated to a reasonable number. But, the reason why we were all in the kitchen tending to my injuries wasn't mentioned.

And we all knew why. The reason would be discussed, but now was not the time. It would be a conversation that I would have with Eddie. I knew we needed to talk, I really did. Even if I wasn't looking forward to it. But maybe, since my mom wasn't there, Eddie just might be able to provide me with some sort of reason. Maybe he could give a clue as to why she would purposely keep me away from him, only to insist that we meet sixteen years later.

...

I woke up, still feeling exhausted. After over an hour of digging splinters out of my feet, I'd managed to take a shower, place a band-aid over the cut and then I was somehow able to actually get to sleep.

I'd hardly woken up. It had probably been ten minutes, just long enough for me to pull on a pair of jeans, when there was a knock on my door. It was ten o'clock already, and I expected Luke, so I didn't hesitate to pull the door open, but when I saw Eddie standing there holding a brown paper bag that smelled like food and two plastic cups of orange juice I wasn't sure what to think. He was usually at work by now. Actually, he was dressed for work, so I had no idea what he was doing there.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

I stared at him for a full minute, knowing that we needed to talk but unsure if I was ready to, before I let out a breath and stepped back.

"Sure," I replied cautiously.

He stepped out for a second before returning with a chair. I guess this was going to be a long talk. I didn't argue though. I sat on my bed and took the orange juice and a breakfast sandwich when he offered them to me.

"Thanks," I mumbled, placing the food aside for the time being.

"No problem," he said, nodding.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" I asked.

"Probably," he admitted with a smile, "but, I wanted to talk to you... if you're ready for that. I know last night was pretty long for all of us. I don't want to push you, Rory."

I just nodded. I wasn't sure what I was agreeing to--that I wanted to talk or that I wanted more time. Eddie obviously didn't know, either. I think he was waiting for a verbal response, so we fell into a long silence before I decided to take the initiative and spoke up.

"You didn't know?" I asked. "About me?"

"No," he replied, "I didn't. I was uh... surprised, when your mother's lawyer contacted me. When I heard that she was... that she'd passed away... it was upsetting. We'd lost touch a long time ago, but I really did care about her, Rory. And when I was told I had a son..." he let out a nervous laugh, "it wasn't exactly something I hear every day... But I want you to know, when they told me that Gina said you were mine, I never doubted it for a second. I wanted to meet you; if I'd known about you sooner I swear I would have."

I just nodded, and then asked, "Why do you think she did it?"

Eddie frowned. "I don't know. That, I really couldn't tell you. Back before Gina and I lost touch, she did a lot of things that I didn't understand."

"Like what?" I asked.

Eddie let out a breath and nervously ran his fingers through his hair.

"Your mom and me..." he started slowly, almost like he was worried that I'd snap at him again, "she really was my best friend, Rory. When we started going out, everything happened really fast. You have to understand... we were so young. And when we did break up, we decided to be friends. I swear to you, I thought she was okay with that..."

He looked at me, probably waiting for me to accuse him of running out on her again, but instead I gave another small nod. I needed to hear this.

"It was about two months later when she didn't show up to school for a few days," he continued. "I was a little worried. Um, usually if one of us was sick, we'd call. But, when I didn't hear from Gina, I stopped by her house. Your grandma, she was there. But... your mom..."

"She was gone," I finished for him.

"Yeah, she was," Eddie said, a hint of annoyance in his voice. "Alice told me that she'd gone to live with an old family friend for a while. She never said why. She wouldn't say why. Or where. When I asked for a phone number... Alice told me that Gina didn't want me to call her. Or to know where she was." Eddie shook his head."I was so confused. I mean, a few days before that we were doing our homework together like everything was fine, and then I found out that Gina didn't want anything to do with me. The only thing Alice would say to me is, 'This is the way that Gina wants it.' For a long time I kept going back, Rory. I don't think your grandma... she was just doing it for your mom."

"She didn't have to lie for her," I pointed out, feeling angry again.

"You're right," Eddie agreed,"she didn't. But, there was nothing I could do about it. After a while I stopped going over there, but I still wondered... you know, I didn't understand it... The next summer my family moved out here. She... Gina must have had you and moved back home after I was already gone."

"You didn't try to go back? To see her again?" I asked, somehow needing more of an explanation from him.

"Maybe I should have," Eddie allowed."If I'd known about you, I would have. But I didn't, Rory. Maybe that's hard for you to understand, but your mom made it pretty clear that she didn't want anything to do with me... I did get a letter from her a few years later."

"And she didn't tell you?" I demanded.

"If she had, we would have met a lot sooner," Eddie insisted.

"Well what did it say, the letter?"

"Just that she hoped I was doing good... she said she was sorry, for leaving like she did, but she didn't say why. And, she said she was good, she was happy. She didn't leave a return address... I still have the letter, though. You're welcome to read it."

Eddie offering to let me read that letter only told me that he wasn't trying to hide anything. Which meant that he really hadn't known about me. I was slowly accepting that. But accepting it meant that the open, honest relationship that I thought I'd had with my mother wasn't so honest after all. And I was angry with her about that.

I mean, telling my mom I was gay, was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It was the only secret I'd ever kept from her and in the end I came clean with it. Why wouldn't she tell me that my father didn't even know about me? I'd always assumed that he didn'twant to be there. And Mom not telling me... she'd let me believe that.

"I don't know why she would do it," I said, looking down. "It doesn't make sense. We didn't keep secrets from each other."

"I don't know why she did it either," Eddie replied, "but we can't change it now. I want this to work, Rory... I know that this is all new for you, and I'm not asking you to just accept all of this... or me, overnight. If you don't want to live with me, I'll understand that. But, at the end of the summer, when you go, I want you to come back again. And I want you to call. I want a relationship with you. I don't even expect you to see me as your father, but... I want the chance to be one. And you deserve the chance to have one."