Chapter 36B

Standing at the edge of the pool, water running down my body from head to toe and wearing black shorts so drenched that they sagged at my hips, I stepped into the water for the fifth time, and sank down to the bottom. I kept trying to find that peaceful place, to think of my mom as I wondered what she'd tell me to do about all of the worry in the pit of my stomach, but it wasn't working. Nothing was working. The image of Eddie, lying in that bed looking like someone else's dad; and the thought of Mr. Keslin, waiting all alone in that room with his own son's blood on his clothes. Even Aaron, somewhere in that hospital, knowing that he might have killed his brother; and whether or not he even cared--it was all there, in my mind, making me crazy. I felt like I should have stayed at the hospital, where the air was stale and suffocating, and my more torturous thoughts were at least somewhat smothered.

I left the pool tiredly, wishing that I'd turned on the lights before I came out because it was going on nine o'clock, and dark. I paused in front of the glass door, looking down at the puddle I was leaving around my feet from all of the water coming off of my shorts. I changed my mind about thinking the lights being off was a bad thing, and after a quick look around, I pulled a Luke.

As soon as my swim trunks hit my ankles I stepped out of them, and slipped into the house. Unlike Luke, I wasn't exactly comfortable with marching through my surroundings completely naked. I suppose there was something adventurous about it, though, not knowing if someone was going to walk in on me at any given moment. Whatever excitement I drew from that was short-lived when I thought about how there was no one really around to catch me, anyway.

The house seemed empty, and lonely, knowing that Jase and Eddie wouldn't be there tonight. It was quiet. Too quiet. It didn't help matters that Luke had refused to leave his room ever since we got home. I'd tried to talk to him, constantly reminding him that Eddie was okay, because it made me feel better when someone else said it. But he wasn't in the mood to hear it. In fact, he wasn't in the mood to hear anything, unless it was about how Aaron Keslin was God's biggest mistake. Like Mr. Keslin, Luke needed someone to blame, and he'd directed all of his emotion towards Aaron, in the form of anger. I wouldn't say that Aaron didn't deserve this, but I couldn't help feel sorry for all of the Keslin family; and when I thought about what they were going through, becoming angry with Aaron wasn't on my agenda, because I felt sorry for him, too.

I thought of knocking on Luke's door when I passed it; but instead, I decided that he could come talk to me if he wanted to. Besides, I needed him to cool off first. It was hard enough to remain calm. I didn't think allowing him to pull me into his dark mood would have been the best of ideas.

I grabbed the pair of gym shorts Luke had given me to wear from off my bed. Most of my wardrobe was now in Nevada, except for a pair of jeans and a couple of loose socks that had been left in the dryer, so I'd be walking around in Luke's clothes for at least a few days. When I went to take a quick shower I entertained the idea of calling Jase at the hospital. I kind of wanted to hear him tell me that Eddie was okay again. Hell, maybe Eddie would be lucid enough to tell me himself. But after drying off and putting on the gym shorts, I left the bathroom to hear the doorbell echoing through the house.

Chey was scratching at Luke's door insistently, but obviously he had no intention of leaving it, so I headed upstairs myself, already knowing who was visiting us. It didn't even surprise me that Dave was standing on the other side of the front door with Seth. In fact, I'd asked Seth to go get him when I realized that I couldn't improve Luke's mood on my own.

Dave gave me a small smile as he held out a foil-wrapped casserole dish. "My mom made dinner," he said.

Seth looked sheepish when he held out a stack of wrapped plates. "So did mine," he announced. I didn't make a move to collect either of the meals, but smiled and opened the door wider.

"Where's Luke?" Dave asked as he entered behind Seth.

"In his room. Are you gonna talk to him?" I asked hopefully.

Dave just smiled, handed me the casserole dish, and headed on his own way as I closed the door.

"Is Luke still going off about Aaron?" Seth asked quietly, and I frowned, nodding.

"Let's just put these away," I insisted, leading the way into the kitchen. "Unless you're hungry?"

"Have you eaten?" Seth asked.

"No, but I'm not really that hungry."

"Maybe later?" he asked as I led the way to the kitchen, and I noncommittally nodded.

Seth was regarding me worriedly as we put the food away. I had a feeling that he wanted to convince me to eat something, like he had earlier, but didn't want to seem pushy. I wished that I could make him believe I was okay, but in all honesty, I was just plain tired, and didn't know if I was okay or not. If I could get my nerves to settle, I had no doubt that I'd be crawling into bed and going to sleep. At least if I was asleep, time would pass faster. When I woke up, I'd go back to the hospital, and hopefully find out more about what was going on, and not just with Eddie.

When Seth and I passed Luke's door to get to mine, it was cracked open, but we passed silently, hearing that Luke and Dave were talking. Actually, Luke was doing the talking, saying how much he hoped they sent Aaron to jail for running that light. But at least he sounded calm now, and obviously he wasn't complaining that Dave was there, even if he'd told me before that he wanted to be alone.

I turned on my bedroom light when I reached it, waited for Seth to enter, and quietly closed the door behind us.

"Seth?" I asked, somewhat hesitantly. "Have you... heard from Aaron. I mean, has he tried to call you or anything?"

Seth took a seat on my bed and slid his hat off his head, his eyes meeting mine evenly.

"I'd tell you if he did."

"Oh," I said, feeling a little stupid for even asking as I moved to sit next to him, leaning back against his hand when his fingers moved to rub at my bare, lower back. I glanced at him. "It's not because I'm jealous, you know," I told him. "It's just... no one's heard anything new, and I guess..."

"Do you blame Aaron, too?" Seth cut me off.

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I think right now I'm just worried for him. I mean, I feel like I should be angry, because Eddie's hurt, and it sounds like it's Aaron's fault. But with Cody still... I mean, if he doesn't wake up..." I paused, and let out a breath. "It's just scary, I guess."

Seth slid his hand further up my back and I turned my head to face him. "I think so, too," he said. "It's scary."

"Are you okay?" I suddenly asked Seth as it occurred to me that despite his ability to be a source of support, he could very well be just as torn up as the rest of us over this. "You and the Keslins..."

"I know them," Seth interrupted, nodding. "And it's really hard to see this happen to people I've sat down to dinner with, just like it's hard seeing it happen to you. But, I don't like to think about how things could get worse, until they do. So, yeah. Right now, I'm okay."

Seth forced a smile at me that I'm sure was meant to be reassuring, but whether it was meant to reassure him or me, I didn't know. I decided that it didn't really matter, and leaned towards Seth, and pulled him forward until my arms were around his neck and his head was on my shoulder as he hugged me back. When I pulled away, and Seth turned his head to kiss me, I leaned into his mouth as it touched mine, parting my lips when it occurred to me that this was the first time we'd really kissed since Friday night. I closed my eyes and pressed my tongue against his, coaxing him into deepening the experience as I felt his hands on my back, seeming cool as his fingers traveled over my skin. By the time he pulled back, placing us nose to nose, I had my hands up his shirt, holding onto his sides as my thumbs traced his ribs.

"So you're really back?" he asked, and I smiled. It seemed like such an obvious attempt to change the subject that I couldn't help feeling grateful for it.

"Technically, I don't think I ever actually left," I pointed out.

"Even if you didn't, I'm sorry I didn't want to say goodbye to you."

"I'm sorry I didn't make you," I replied, cracking a small smile. "But I guess it doesn't matter now, right? You were at the airport."

"And you didn't leave."

I nodded, and then turned to stretch out in my bed, smiling at him when he took the opportunity to slide his hand up my leg, over my knee, to my thigh, just beneath my shorts. He kicked off his shoes and turned onto the mattress with me, his head coming just below mine on the pillow.

"So are we still broken up?" I asked him, and Seth raised a surprised brow at me.

"Broken up?"

"That's what we were doing, right?" I asked. "I mean, when I was going back to Nevada... We didn't say it, but it kinda felt like... you know."

Seth sighed, and I shivered when his fingers moved to my inner thigh, tickling me there. "I think it was more like... taking things slow. You and me--we're kinda new. It was sort of hard to tell what would happen with you gone."

"But I'm not gone."

"No," he agreed.

"And since I'm not... I'd probably have a problem with you meeting someone else," I said.

"Okay," Seth replied simply. "But, I don't think that's something to... worry about. We're not broken up."

I smiled. "Just checking."

Seth sighed and removed his hand from my shorts to wrap his arm around me. He pulled me closer and his forehead came to rest against my chin. I closed my eyes, noting that they felt like they belonged that way while I took in the feel of Seth's warm, comforting body against mine.

"Will you stay here tonight?" I asked him. I didn't really have to. I already knew that was his plan. But, there was nothing wrong with a little reassurance.

"Yeah," he said quietly, and I snuggled closer to him when I felt his fingers moving over my back.

My room suddenly felt warmer, and my body so relaxed that I couldn't even think about moving it. I wasn't sure how that was possible, when my thoughts were still going a mile a minute. I wasn't really focused on Eddie being hurt anymore, though. I think my worries around the topic had finally worn themselves numb, leaving me open to think about other things, like the future. It had seemed uncertain for a while now, but strangely, it felt more uncertain now than it ever had. I'd just chosen a life, I realized. Maybe it was silly, but after everything that had happened today, I felt like I should have a plan when it came to what I wanted to do with it. This hadn't happened when my mom died because after she passed away, I just didn't care. But now with Eddie in that hospital, drugged up but still there; and Seth next to me and Luke in the other room--I cared. I cared about a lot of things. I think I just wanted to make the best of everything.

No. I didn't just want to make the best of things. I wanted to experience them. Everything. I wanted to go into that hospital in the morning and tell Eddie that every time I said I didn't need him while I was growing up, it wasn't all true. Because now I realized that even if my mom had given me everything she could have, I'd still missed him. It just took a while to realize it. And, I wanted to be around while Luke was going through whatever he was going through right now. I wanted to be there for him in any way I could, even if that meant standing back to let Dave help him. I wanted to invite the Fishers over for dinner and beg Jase not to let Eddie cook. I wanted to be with these people. I'd chosen it, and I wanted to do a lot more than simply make the best of it.

School. It was going to be terrifying, starting all over again in a new school. Even with the support of my friends and family it was going to be an adjustment, not only being in a new atmosphere but being a new person, too. Someone who was out of the closet. Someone who wanted to hold his boyfriend's hand in the hall between classes. Everything was going to be new.

But, looking to the future didn't necessarily mean leaving the past behind. I realized this. Tomorrow I was going to have to pick up the phone and call Nathan. I was going to have to tell him why he hadn't gotten a call from me today from my grandmother's house. And I hoped that when I did that, he'd still want to keep in touch with me. And I hoped that despite their quarrel, Nathan would help me get in touch with Jason. In many ways, I felt like I was just now arriving in Arizona. But this time, I wanted to do it right. I did realize that that meant coming clean with Jason and Nathan sooner or later. I'd have to let them know who I really was. I'd have to let everyone know. I wouldn't be ready for that by tomorrow, but I hoped that some day I could tell my friends everything; and when I did, I could only hope that they'd understand.

I must have fallen asleep. It was dark in my room when I opened my eyes, but the warm body wrapped around me was reassuring. I ran a hand down Seth's back, finding it bare, and as I reached his butt I felt soft boxers. I kissed the part of him right in front of me and his chest hair tickled my lip, and then I lay there for a long moment, feeling a slight headache. I shifted in his arms to see the glowing numbers of the clock and found that it was only eleven o'clock. It felt much later. I could hear a television on, somewhere past my room, and thought about investigating; but when Seth tightened his hold on me I settled back down, shifting closer to him as I slipped my thigh between his.

"Hey," I heard him whisper, as if to test whether or not I was still asleep.

"Hi."

"Can you go back to sleep?" he asked me as he began to rub my back, and after a moment of considering the question, I shook my head against his shoulder.

"I want it to be morning."

"You've still got a ways to go," he replied. I heard a smile in his voice.

I sighed, and rested for a moment. I felt like... I'm not sure how I felt. Numb, scared. But by now, those two feelings were becoming familiar to me. I think I just wanted to talk. Only, I had no idea what I wanted to talk about. I tilted my head, looking up at him, and in the dark his eyes shone back at me.

"Seth..." I started, but cut myself off when I abruptly pushed myself up, just enough to place my mouth over his. Lying there with him was nice, but suddenly, I felt like I couldn't get enough company. One little kiss was supposed to make me feel closer to him, I suppose. That's all it was meant to be, but from the moment he cupped the back of my neck I was clinging to him, finding ways to pull him closer to me as I grabbed at his arms, his waist, his face... I felt like I was pulling until he finally lifted himself and came over me, holding himself up as his mouth moved over mine in our familiar pattern.

I pulled him down. I wanted his weight on me. For just a little while I wanted to feel completely smothered, so I held him there until I almost couldn't breathe. I shifted beneath him, pressing my body against him, and shivering as the thin layer of hair on his chest brushed against my skin. A stirring in my groin took over my body, just as I felt something hard against my stomach; but the way we were pressed together made it difficult to tell if it was him or me. Him, it seemed, when he shifted lower and I felt his shaft grind lightly alongside mine, what was left of our clothes separating my skin from his.

I tilted my head up, demanding more from his lips until I felt his tongue in my mouth, moving against my own. As I clutched at his shoulders, as if letting go would allow him to leave, it occurred to me that usually I was the one over him. That was probably a strange thought to have at the moment, but true nonetheless. Usually I liked it the other way, but right now, I needed it to be exactly how it was.

I closed my eyes, my breathing becoming deep and heavy as he removed his mouth from mine and kissed my neck instead. His lips were rough, but his tongue was soothing as he crossed my throat and moved down my chest. My hands reached for him and my fingers tangled in his hair as he circled my navel and when I felt his fingers--more aggressively than not--hook in my shorts, I lifted my hips from the bed and felt the air in the room brush over my cock and thighs. His mouth came down, hot and wet over the head of my erection and I gasped at the sensation. My eyes rolled back as his mouth glided down my length and I hardly even noticed it as he finished stripping me of my shorts. I felt his hands on the backs of my knees, which parted further on their own accord as he lifted them slightly and my head slid off the pillow as he practically pulled me to his mouth.

My ragged breathing was met with moans when I felt his throat closing around me before he slid over my shaft again. My grip on his hair was tight. I knew because my fingers were going numb, but I couldn't seem to let go, not when my body was quivering as my hips came off the mattress. I felt a tug on my balls, and jumped, thinking that I was about to come before I realized that it was his hand there, fondling me before sliding back behind them, into my cleft. The finger that abruptly pressed against my hole was cool and damp, and I squirmed against it. I wasn't bothered by its presence there, not like I thought I'd be. The sensation of his mouth, sucking me into oblivion was enough to distract me from that, and the light pressure I felt, right before I felt his finger moving inside of me. He hit my prostate and I jumped, shuddering as that sharp overwhelming sensation hit me. I thrust my hips upwards when the urge to do so became uncontrollable, and in response Seth's free hand slid under me, guiding me to meet him until one final groan escaped me and my body halted, spent and shuddering.

I felt like I was just waking up as Seth's mouth met my stomach again. I reached for him, pulling him to me until I parted my lips against his, feeling satisfied as his weight settled back over me. I could feel Seth through his boxers, still hard against my thigh. I forced a hand between our bodies, reaching for him.

It was the sharp chirp of a phone that brought us both to pause. I'd like to think that any other night, we would have ignored it. But, this time was different, and in a moment Seth was moving off of me and helping me to sit up.

"Is it yours or mine?" I asked quietly.

"Mine."

He moved from the bed, searching for his phone in the dark, and answering it as he rejoined me.

"Hello?" Seth's voice was quiet, steady. It was like he was wary of the phone, just as I would have been. From behind, I moved my arms around him, and rested my head against his back, waiting. "Yeah, we're okay over here... what do you mean?" Seth's shoulders went rigid, and in response, so did I as I held him tighter. "It's okay. Just tell me, please... are you sure?... okay... Um, no. I'm gonna stay here tonight... I know. Me too... I love you, too." Seth's voice was shaky by the time he finished on the phone, and I don't think he even bothered hanging it up before he dropped it carelessly on the floor and suddenly turned towards me, sniffling as I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck. "That was my dad. He was calling about Cody."

What do you do? How are you supposed to feel? How do you deal with it when a life just ends? It seemed complicated being someone who I knew, but wasn't close to. When it was my mom, I knew what I was feeling, and I knew that it was reasonable to feel that way. With Cody, I wasn't sure that I had a right to feel... anything. I kept picturing myself back in the Keslin house, Cody meeting Aaron and me at the door. The look on his face when he was blackmailing his brother. That cruel, arrogant look that I'd wanted so badly to knock right off his face. Only, every time I thought back, I saw myself pulling him into a hug instead. Holding him. It was like inventing myself a role in his life. Because if I'd had one, it would have justified my feeling more than just sad. He was younger than I was, and he was gone; and apart from feeling that it was unfair, I just felt sad. It didn't feel like enough.

I looked around the kitchen table at the three blank faces around me, the entire setting striking me as odd. Off. Wrong. It was almost one o'clock in the morning. The table was set with plates, spoons, forks, and knives. Napkins had been placed out and there was hot food in front of us, just like there would have been if we'd been sitting down to dinner every other day. Luke was stabbing his mashed potatoes with a fork, his face drawn into a pale, unreadable mask. Dave wasn't far from him. He was picking at a piece of chicken, every so often bringing a tiny piece to his mouth looking inconspicuous about it, like a child sneaking a taste of dessert before dinner. Like me, Seth hadn't even touched his food. He just stared at it. Beneath his red eyes, I could practically see the lump in his throat. I didn't know what to say to him. He probably knew Cody better than any of us, even Luke, it seemed. But it seemed that even Seth didn't know how he was supposed to feel.

I think the problem was, that none of us had really been close to Cody. For me, personally, I felt guilty for wishing that I could have gotten to know him better, now that he was gone. It was a sense of regret as I realized that even after losing my mom, I'd managed to take life for granted. I felt ashamed of that. Her death had been a big thing for me, but now with Cody, I felt awkward. I found myself wondering if this was how the people around me felt when they were sharing their condolences. Awkward.

"I saw him last week," Luke suddenly said, and three sets of eyes turned their attention to him, but Luke wasn't looking at any of us. He'd gone from stabbing his potatoes to stabbing the cooked carrots, and on his plate, they were beginning to look like mashed potatoes. "He was in the gas station with one of his friends. He flipped me off. He's always been like that, ever since me and Aaron... I thought he was such a little shit. But now... can I still think that and... can I still think that?"

I frowned, understanding what Luke was asking. I felt that his thoughts mirrored my own, in a way. He wanted to feel something, but didn't seem to know what it was that he should be feeling. My attention turned to Seth when a small, sad chuckle escaped my boyfriend. Luke looked at him, too, seeming confused.

"Cody was a little shit. A big, spoiled brat. I swear he was the biggest snob I'd ever met."

Luke frowned at that. "He didn't deserve... he didn't deserve what happened."

"No," Seth agreed. "He didn't. But I think... he liked being a brat. He liked driving people crazy, so I think... it's not wrong to feel like that about him."

Luke stared at Seth for a long moment, and then gave him a slight nod, his expression seeming understanding. There was another long silence. Minutes passed, before it was broken by Luke again. "I didn't think he was going to die." I looked up again to find that my blond friend didn't look like he was talking to anyone in particular, but then he looked at Seth again. "When you said he was hurt like that, I thought that it was just... I expected it to be different. Like, I figured he'd wake up, and everyone would think they'd overreacted... and Aaron would brush it off, like he does with everything. I thought it was going to be okay... But this... this isn't okay. No one can fix this. What Aaron did..."

"We don't know what happened in that car," Seth said quietly. "We don't know it was actually Aaron's fault. It could have just been... an accident."

Dave and I sat up a little straighter in our chairs as we looked between Seth and Luke. I, for one, was a little worried now. That had not been the right thing for Seth to say, especially to Luke, who was still in the mood to blame everything on Aaron, which he did as he narrowed his eyes and scowled. "He killed his brother."

I heard Seth take in a breath. "He lost his brother," Seth replied evenly. "A car killed Cody. Maybe... Aaron could have avoided it, but to accuse him of... it's not fair to say that. Even about Aaron."

Luke dropped his fork and glared.

"Luke," Dave said quietly, obviously not liking where this was going. I didn't like it either, especially since I felt the sudden need to choose sides. I'd been doing my best to allow Luke to deal with this however he needed to. If he needed to be angry with Aaron for a while, then I supposed that he had the right. Only, his anger felt almost like it was getting out of hand, and it seemed that Seth was the only one willing to point this out to him.

"You can defend him all you want," Luke suddenly retorted. "It doesn't change what happened. He can't fix this! He can't bat his eyes, and... he can't fix this."

"No. No one can," Seth quietly agreed, and Luke just stared at him for a long moment, as if he expected Seth to take it back.

"Guys," I said, when they continued to glare at each other. But, I didn't finish my thought once I realized my voice was shaking. I wouldn't have had the chance to when Luke suddenly stood and walked away. I looked at Seth, frowning to find that his eyes were even redder than before, but whatever he was feeling, he was holding it back.

"You're right you know," I said quietly. "It's not fair to blame Aaron. Luke's just..."

The corner's of Seth's mouth turned up slightly as he gave me a small, grateful look and reached over to squeeze my hand.

"I'll go talk to Luke," Dave said, standing. "He'll be okay. I mean, tomorrow you guys will see Eddie... everything will be okay."

"Not for the Keslins," I whispered, and Dave frowned. He started walking, but I abruptly released Seth's hand and stood up, too. "Dave, let me try."

Dave regarded me skeptically for a moment, and I openly frowned at it. But finally, he shrugged and sat back down.

I didn't really know what I wanted to say to Luke. I could understand some of what he was feeling, but obviously not all of it, and at this point it seemed like letting him bitch about Aaron was only going to make him angrier. I knew they had a history. I knew that Aaron had done plenty in the past to fall from Luke's good graces. But this time, it almost seemed as if Luke thought Aaron ran that red light just to attack him. I didn't know what to say to that.

I found him in his room. His door was open, and he had Chey on the bed with him. She jumped down when she saw me, wagging her little tail and sniffing at my jeans as I stepped into the room. Luke met my eyes with a flat expression as I sat down next to him. He looked so tired that all I wanted to do was tuck him into bed. It wouldn't have done any good, though. I doubted that he could even sleep. I reached out to wrap and arm around his shoulders, and there was only a moment of resistance before he leaned into me, letting me hug him.

It felt like such a switch, being there like that. I'd grown so used to Luke being the guy who always had his shit together, and the guy who was there to lean on every time I needed him. Being there for him was new to me, and I almost felt guilty that it felt so good, even if it was a little bothersome. I guess it shouldn't have surprised me that Luke was capable of this kind of reaction in a situation like this. It wasn't like he hadn't been through a lot, too. Between losing his mom, and his dad abandoning him, and then Aaron--everything Aaron had ever done to hurt him--I guess I should have expected him to act like this.

"Why is it so unreasonable..." he suddenly whispered against my shoulder. "Why is it unreasonable to want someone to fix this? Why can't we just all go back and make yesterday disappear? You came home... it should have been a good day. We should all be here right now. We should just be a family... but he took it away... Why did he have to take it away? He takes everything away. I feel like I can't... I can't do anything without wondering how he's going be there, fucking it up for me. Why does he have to be... I want him to fix it, Rory. Aaron... he fixes everything that gets in his way, why can't he fix this, too?" Luke released a strangled gasp, resting his forehead on my shoulder, and through my thin t-shirt I could feel moisture there, and I hugged him tighter, finding it a little hard to see as my eyes started to water.

"We are a family," I said firmly. "Luke... tomorrow you and me are going to go back to the hospital... and listen to Eddie bitch about how he's ready to come home. And he's the one who's going to be driving Jase crazy, and... we're going to laugh at them. You'll get on Jase's case for acting like someone's mother... and I'm going to sit there and know... this is my family. You guys are a family. We are. Aaron Keslin hasn't taken that away from you. He couldn't."

Luke lifted his head, meeting my eyes, paying no attention to the tears now running down his face.

"And what... what is going to happen when Eddie finds out about Cody? How is he going to feel when someone tells him about Cody? What's that going to do to him?"