Chapter 35B

From the gray brick wall in front of the park's entrance I could hear the excited voices and screams of the people inside, smell the large amounts of chlorine in the water as well as the strong scent of nachos and hot dogs and I could see the slides, towering over the gates as Luke led Dave, Rick, Brian, Angela, Cathy, Meg, and even Mary, along with a few guys from his wrestling team that I'd met once or twice over the summer through them in front of me. I just stood there in my black swim trunks with my backpack over my bare shoulders as the sun beat down over the top of my head, completely immobile, and feeling unnecessarily cautious.

"Hey," Seth said, and I jumped ever so slightly when he came from behind me and gently tapped my side. He'd ditched his silvery shorts for dark-blue swim trunks that I made no secret about liking his butt in; and for once he hadn't even bothered to bring a hat, his straight blondish hair pushed back over the top of his head. "I thought I was the one who was supposed to get nervous around water. What's up? Are you okay?"

I looked at him and nodded, tightening my grip on my backpack as I led the way into the water park with Seth right next to me. "Yeah. I'm alright... it's just, every time I set foot in this place I run into Aaron Keslin. I mean, the last time I came here it was with him, but still... I have a bad feeling."

"Like, you're going to see him or something?" Seth asked, dropping a hand on my shoulder as we followed behind the rest of the crowd together.

"I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe not like that. I mean... he's still on vacation, right?"

"Right."

"Yeah. So it's stupid," I decided. "I don't know. Sorry. This place just made me think about Aaron, and I got a bad feeling, that's all."

Seth studied me for a long moment, and then smiled. "I think that's normal," he said. "I mean, thinking about Aaron and getting a bad feeling. But you're not supposed to be thinking about him right now. You're supposed to be having fun."

"And I'm going to," I replied. "If I can actually get you in the water with me."

Seth looked sheepish for a moment, and then grinned. "Alright," he agreed, and then lowered his voice. "But nothing too rough. My butt's sore."

I laughed, loving the way he blushed as I flashed him a grateful look for making me smile. "Nothing too rough," I agreed. "And we'll make sure your feet can always touch the bottom."

"Just stop thinking about Aaron," Seth insisted. "You'll have a good time. I promise."

And I did. It was rather hard to think about Aaron, anyway, with Seth constantly bending over in front of me to adjust a strap on his sandal that just didn't want to stay on right. But besides that, it was nice being out with everyone, and our group mostly stayed together as we moved from one slide to another. I refused to go through the tunnel ride with the boats, and after explaining why to Seth, he pointed out that while that ride was the park's version of a haunted house they had another tunnel, a much slower ride with incredibly corny heart-shaped boats. We went on that, but spent the entire ride laughing because Rick and Brian were behind us and the whole time we heard Rick complaining that not only he was terrified of Brian sinking their boat, but also about how he couldn't understand why Luke got to ride with both Cathy and Meg, who were in front of them, fawning over my flirtatious housemate.

When we stopped and grabbed something to drink, Angela pulled out a brown bag full of homemade cookies. I gave her a hug when I saw the blue frosting on each one, saying Goodbye Rory. It wasn't the reminder that I was leaving that I appreciated, but the thought behind it. I hadn't gotten to know Angela very well, but she said that she'd miss me. Of course, this was mostly because she thought Seth and I were cute together, but still. I felt like I was going to miss her, too. All of them, actually.

As I took my time to simply have a good time and visit with these people I started to wonder if things would be the same with this group next summer. I wondered if Luke and Dave would be best friends, or if Brian and Cathy would still be together. I wondered if Dave would be completely obsessed with another girl by then, or if Angela would still have him wrapped around her finger. I wondered if Seth would still look at me the way he did when I made him laugh, or if he'd just look at me the way that he looked at everyone else. It was all sad to think about. Just like it was sad to think that when I got back home, things wouldn't be the same. Not with my grandma. Not even with Jason and Nathan, unless I could figure out a way to at least get them to make up and go back to the way things were.

But things changed. They always changed. It was just a matter of whether or not I was there to be a part of it. It was strange to think that if I'd been in Arizona one summer earlier, Luke and Aaron would have been the best of friends and there was a chance that I never would have met Seth. That was now a world I couldn't imagine. Next summer, I had no doubt that things would be different again. But, I'd know about it. These were people that I was going to hear about, because I wasn't going to make the mistake I made with Jason and Nathan. I was going to keep in touch, and I was going to know... and I was going to keep my friends.

I spent time at that water park for the rest of the afternoon, acting as if I wasn't going anywhere else at all. I listened to everyone talk about what they'd be doing the next weekend, before school started, and I threw out suggestions as if I were going to be there myself. And, I took the opportunity to be out. I held Seth's hand without giving it a second thought, and I kissed him in the lines for various slides, not caring who saw it because the reality was, it could be a while before I was able to do it again. This summer had been an experience for me. It had started with secrets and lies and my inability to sort my head from my ass but now... I had never felt more like myself, and by the end of the day, I'd realized that going home was going to be more of a challenge than I ever thought staying would have been. I'd be starting over with a new family. I'd be trying to figure out why the two guys, who had at one point been my best friends in the world, were no longer talking. I'd be shoving myself back in the closet and locking the door.

The night that Eddie had come into my room and said he'd make a deal with me, I couldn't wait for the summer to be over so I could get the hell out of there. I never thought that I'd be unhappy about leaving. But now I was, and it was beginning to sink in.

It sank in more later that night. After the water park, we'd taken the entire group back to the house, divided between Luke and Brian's vehicles. Eddie, Jase, and Grandma Alice were home by then, but didn't seem to mind that we were all outside swimming some more until around nine o'clock, stopping only to barbeque. I'm not sure what happened after nine because that's when Seth and I left.

At his house, it was quiet. He'd explained that Gail was at a sleepover, and his parents were out for most of the evening. But it didn't seem to matter where they were. I was content being locked in his room with him. We talked. He told me that he got an unexpected phone call from his brother, who wanted to start talking again. Seth was happy about that, and I was happy for him. We talked about what things would be like for me when I went home, and I told him how Jason and Nathan were no longer talking. Seth was confident that I could end their feud. I hoped that he was right.

We got through about twenty minutes of a movie before Seth decided that being outside all day warranted a shower, and I got in with him this time. The experience ended with both of us naked in his bed, exhausted, and in need of another shower. But, I wasn't in a hurry to go anywhere. I did manage to keep myself conscious this time. Though, I wished that I would have passed out when Seth went to retrieve a notebook and a pen, and brought it back to the bed with him.

I sat up under the covers, and watched him curiously as he rested the notebook on his bare thigh, and began to write, pausing every few moments to glance in my direction with a soft smile. When he was finished, he tore of the piece of paper he'd been writing on, and passed the notebook and pen to me, while I regarded him curiously.

"Could you write down your address?" he asked. "Phone number, too, please. If it's going to change."

My smile faded. "Seth," I said quietly. "We don't have to do this now."

"Yeah, we do," he insisted. "Please."

I sighed, not liking this at all. I wanted to do it, just to humor him. But I hesitated. I never would have thought that writing down a few numbers would make things feel so final, especially when all of those numbers were supposed to keep me in touch with Seth. I wrote them down slowly, unable to get rid of the frown that I could feel on my face. It was very distracting, the tight knots in my forehead, and the way my eyes felt heavy. I couldn't seem to drop the expression, not even when I passed the book back to Seth. He took a moment to look at it, and then placed it on his nightstand before he folded up the piece of paper he'd written on and placed it on top.

"That's mine," he told me. "Don't forget it, okay?"

"Okay."

Seth leaned towards me, and as his lips lightly covered mine I lifted the covers, holding them as he climbed back under with me. We laid back facing each other, sharing a pillow, and as Seth broke the kiss, I met his eyes in the dim light coming from the hallway to his bathroom.

"I'm not going to see you tomorrow," he announced, and I frowned at him as his fingers gently rubbed at my shoulder and he shifted his hips forward, tangling his legs with mine. I could feel his flaccid cock, just against mine, and even as tired as I was, I pressed closer.

"Are you working?" I asked. "If you're working maybe I could stop by afterwards, or come see you... It's my last day, Seth. I'm leaving on Sunday morning."

He let out a breath, and I watched him deliberately avoid my eyes. My frown deepened as a distinct feeling that he was about to say something that I wasn't going to like hit me.

"Seth?" I said, near pleadingly. He was making me nervous. After what he'd told me earlier, I didn't like it. I already had enough depressing thoughts in my mind. I didn't want to hear what he had to say if it was something else that I wouldn't like.

"I am working," he confessed. "But, I don't want you to come."

"Are you dumping me?" I asked, slightly panicked. Perhaps it was a stupid question. I was leaving in two days, but as of yet, neither Seth or I had said it was over. Not really. If he was now... I didn't want it to be now. The very thought placed so many nauseating knots into my stomach that if he hadn't wrapped a tight arm around me, I might have rolled right off the bed.

"No," Seth replied, rather firmly, but it was almost as if he had to force himself to meet my eyes. I was not reassured. "I'm not. We had a good time today, right? I mean, going out with everyone was nice, and, being here with you... twice today, that was..." He paused and smiled. "We've been happy, right? You've been happy, just like we are?"

"Yeah," I agreed, relaxing somewhat with his calm tone.

"And I like how we are right now," he continued, moving a hand to my hip, stretching his fingers to rest over the cheek of my ass. "Can't we just be like this?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused. I knew he was speaking in sentences. They just didn't make sense. "We are... like this." I snuggled in closer, trying to figure out what he was looking for, and as I felt my cock stirring mildly against his I decided that if he was looking for more physical affection, I could probably arrange it. Only, what he said next probably killed any erection I potentially might have had.

"I don't want to say goodbye to you," he said. "And I don't mean that as, I don't want you to leave--actually, I don't want you to leave, either. But I don't want say goodbye... I don't think we should see each other tomorrow, Rory."

"Seth." I was immediately objecting to this.

"I mean it. I think it would be best if I just... I should take you home tonight. Tomorrow, you should be around your family, you know?"

"You said you weren't going to stay away," I said accusingly.

"It's not staying away," Seth said quickly. "It's..."

"Staying away," I responded angrily.

"If I see you tomorrow, I'm not going to be able to walk away, knowing that you'll be on a plane in the morning," Seth stated, becoming serious. "I want to call you, and just pretend everything's normal, but if I see you... I don't want to say goodbye."

"Why can't you do that after you say goodbye to me?" I demanded.

"Do you want to say goodbye to me, Rory?" Seth countered, tightening his arm around me.

"No," I said quickly.

"Well, I won't know that, because when I say goodbye to you when you leave, it's not going to be because you have to. It's going to be because you want to! When you say goodbye to me, it's because you want to."

I narrowed my eyes, and Seth released me as I abruptly sat up, but he was right there with me, his hand going to my thigh.

"That's not fair."

"I didn't say that to make you feel guilty," he said quickly. "It's just the truth, Rory. I'll try to understand it if you think you need to go home... but please don't make me say goodbye to you tomorrow. I told you before--I'm trying, but after today, I'm not ready to."

I studied Seth for a long moment, swallowing as I processed his request. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. I'd still be around for over twenty-four hours and the thought of Seth not wanting to see me in that time was devastating. Because I wanted to see him. In fact, I wanted to see him close to me. So close that I could just touch him and be with him and not let go. But I guess that was the problem. Eventually, I was going to have to let go, and that was going to hurt even more. And maybe that's what he was saying. I wasn't sure. All I knew was that I was suddenly terrified of having to say goodbye to him, and I thought that maybe, he was right. It would be easier for him to take me home, just like always. We could pretend that everything was just as it was every other night. Only, come tomorrow, I had no idea if I'd get through the day without seeing him, knowing full well that it could be the last time we were together the way that we were now.

I released a breath, feeling very tired as I allowed my head to drop back on the pillow. I looked up at him, suddenly feeling like there were a hundred things to say, but I had no idea how to get any of them out. So I waited, and when Seth came down over me, kissing me, I wrapped an arm around his neck and parted my lips enough to welcome his tongue, and any affection that he wanted to give me. It wasn't a long kiss, or even a deep kiss. I think he meant it to be reassuring as he shifted against my side and settled in, pulling the covers back up to our chests. He watched me for a few moments, seeming expectant. But, when all I could do was stare back he sighed and lowered his head, resting against my shoulder and making it clear that he wanted some sort of contact; whatever reassurance that I was willing to give him. I closed my eyes and wrapped an arm around him, forcing myself to relax.

As I laid there with him, I could hear his parents coming in and laughing about something, and their muffled voices for a while before the house grew silent again. I kept looking at the clock, despising my curfew, even when Seth's fingers stopped drumming on my back and his breathing came in long, even breaths, telling me that he'd fallen asleep. It was twelve thirty before I decided to go anywhere, carefully sliding away from him to get dressed. I thought of waking him up, but after what he'd said to me, I guess it just felt wrong. He didn't want to say goodbye to me, and as I watched him for a few moments, the way he'd turned to hug my pillow, and how his breath was softly disturbing his hair, which had fallen into his face, I realized that I'd rather remember him like that, not standing in front of the door, telling me that he'd see me later when he had no intention of showing up tomorrow.

I found myself smiling at no one in particular as I looked around his bedroom floor for a few moments before I found the blue ball cap he'd been wearing, and I climbed back into bed to carefully placed it over his head. I looked at him for another minute, deciding that I'd probably never see a guy wearing a hat in the same way again, and I dipped my head down, pressing my lips firmly over his, and then I did it again. He stirred slightly, and when I pulled back I brushed my thumb over his cheek, taking in the sleepy smile that had curled its way over his lips. I left the bed silently, taking a moment to grab the folded piece of notebook paper from on top of his nightstand and to lift the pen again, scribbling a few more words on the book where I'd left my address for him. I wrote the time that I would be leaving to the airport on Sunday morning, and told him I was thinking about him. I left the house without anyone ever knowing the difference, and when I reached the driveway I looked back, sniffling to myself as I tried not to completely let my disturbed emotions get the better of me.

Looking down the road towards the house, it was pitch black. Lonely. Isolated. I wasn't having it. I lifted my cell phone out of my pocket and hardly five minutes later, I was climbing into the passenger seat of Luke's jeep, and he was regarding me worriedly, sitting there in a pair of blue boxers and nothing else. I found that I couldn't say anything to him at that very moment, though, so I silently stared out into the dark, and let him take me home.

I was in the basement sitting on the sofa and staring at the television, which glowed with whatever Luke had been watching, before I turned to face Luke. He was still watching me, waiting.

"He's not coming to say goodbye to me," I said quietly, and Luke frowned, seemingly taking my words under consideration.

"Want me to kick his ass?" he finally replied.

I shook my head. "No. Not really. I can... I can understand why Seth doesn't want to."

"So can I. No one wants to say goodbye to you."

I frowned. "I mean, that's what I did with Jason, and Nathan. I didn't even say goodbye. I did... but I didn't really do it. I just acted like it was any other day. Hey, see ya later... you know? I didn't want to feel it... and now Seth..."

"Want me to make him?" Luke asked. "I mean, I don't think it would take a lot of convincing, Rory. He's bummed out, but..."

I sighed. "No," I decided, shaking my head before I looked at Luke pointedly. "Just promise you won't do that."

Luke turned serious, and regarded me curiously. "Do what?"

"Disappear when it's time to say goodbye."

"Oh," he replied, nodding, and then he flashed a teasing smile in my direction. "Okay... I mean, it'll be kinda hard to disappear anyway. I'll be too busy getting in your face and trying to convince you to stay." He winked at me, letting me know that even with truth behind those words, he was only trying to make me feel better. I rolled my eyes at him and laid down on the couch, my head falling towards him. He playfully scratched behind my ear, and said I looked like a tired puppy. I laughed. I needed that laugh.

I stood with a full stomach outside of the restaurant where Eddie had met Jase for the first time, right next to the fire hydrant I'd hit my first time driving, shaking my head. But, it wasn't because of the hydrant, it was my cell phone that was the problem. I kept taking it out of my pocket to stare at it, wondering if it was broken. It was past noon, and I hadn't heard from Seth all day. I'd thought about calling him, but I think I was afraid that he wouldn't answer. I was sort of hoping that he'd call me. He knew when I was leaving, and if the words he wrote beneath his own address and phone numbers meant anything at all--I miss you--I thought that he would call me. For a while I thought that it was physically killing me that he hadn't, but when Eddie took me out to lunch I realized that part of that feeling had simply been hunger. The disappointment was still there, though. The hurt. Frustration. Disgusting sense of loss. I knew Seth didn't want to say goodbye, but I hoped that he'd change his mind.

I put my phone away and tried to look like nothing was bothering me when I felt Eddie's heavy hand drop down on my shoulder. I looked back at him, squinting against the sun.

"Make sure you have your phone with you when you leave tomorrow," he said.

"You want me to take it?"

"Yeah," he replied, giving me a small smile. "The long distance on it's free. You won't have an excuse not to call."

"Thanks," I replied, flashing him a small smile.

"So do you feel like going shopping before we head back to the house?" Eddie asked me, and I made a face, suggesting that this was not the best idea he'd ever come up with.

"Shopping?"

"Yeah," he replied, sliding his hands into his pockets as we headed towards his Suburban. "I feel like I should get you something."

I shook my head. "You don't have to do that."

"I know. I kind of want to, you know? Why don't you humor me."

I shrugged, not really interested in gaining anymore material items. I sort of just wanted to get back to the house and spend time with everyone while I had the chance. But I decided that maybe I could make this a quick trip.

"I need pens and stuff for school," I said.

"Alright," Eddie replied, looking pleased. "Let's go do that. Do you want to go buy a car first?"