Chapter 32A: Confuse me plenty

Thanks to Jim for editing!

I tensed as Luke leaned over my shoulder from behind the basement sofa, his arms stretching across my bare chest as his hand closed over the magazine next to me; little droplets of water from his recent shower fell onto my shoulder as his breath hit my neck, the combination sending a chill down my spine as I swallowed hard and tried to ignore it. Two days ago, I wouldn't have had to try. This would be something that I was used to. Close, comfortable contact with the best friend that I had. Now, I felt claustrophobic, uneasy, entirely fucking uncomfortable as I tried to focus on the movie playing in front of me. It was Monday night, and I wished that it was Saturday again, because on Saturday, I hadn't made a habit of questioning every little thing that Luke did.

"What time is it?" Luke asked as he straightened himself and looked at the magazine. I turned my head, my eyes becoming level with his abdomen. Like many times when he got out of the shower and actually remembered to put on pants, he didn't bother zipping up and I was faced with the light curls that made up the thatch of pubic hair. I diverted my eyes. Maybe at the beginning of the summer I would have paid a lot more attention to that, but now, I wasn't supposed to notice as much. I wasn't supposed to get flustered over various parts of Luke's body, and I wasn't supposed to wonder if he was sticking them in my face on purpose.

"Almost six," I replied.

Luke looked down at me, and I swallowed as I met his eyes. Blue eyes, studying me beneath dripping curls.

"Good, you about ready to go?"

I nodded. Go. Get out of the house. Be around people. Be around Seth. No more of these questions swarming around my head. Seth would help get rid of them. He was the perfect distraction. At least, he'd better be, because this was all his fault, anyway.

"What did you say?" On Sunday morning at the park, I had to repeat myself just in case Seth hadn't heard me the first time.

"Oh, come on," Seth said. He was giving me a meaningful smile, as if I were supposed to actually understand what he was saying. Maybe he was teasing me. I decided to laugh. It was a forced, bewildered laugh, but still a laugh.

"I was being serious," I insisted, turning my attention back to Luke, who was still watching Jole-whoever walk across the field. I felt Seth move from where he was sitting on the table, to join me on the bench where he allowed me to move an arm around his waist and he leaned in to kiss my temple as I drew him closer to me.

"I was serious, too," he said conversationally. That had me looking at him again, and laughing, because I had no idea what else I was supposed to do.

"It's not me," I said, not sure why Seth would even joke about something like this. "Luke isn't into me."

Seth looked at me inquisitively for a moment. "Are you serious?" he asked, quite seriously.

"Are you?" I responded. "You can't just say that Luke..."

"Likes, you," Seth finished for me, beginning to look a little concerned. "I've seen him. But look, I'm not upset about it, okay? It's not like it matters, right?"

"You've seen him?" I repeated, only focused on one thing Seth had said. "When?" I'm not sure why I found the need to defend myself from the topic, rather than just find it funny.

Seth was frowning at me, but, then he let out a breath and spoke reasonably. "There have been a few times that I noticed it. Like, that night I was watching you at Dave's birthday..."

"You were watching me?" I interrupted, feeling oddly touched by that.

Seth smiled. "Yeah, I was watching you," he said quietly, before he continued with his point. "But that night I kinda got the idea that you and Luke were into each other... and then a few times after you and me started hanging out, I sort of got the idea that he didn't like me around. And, he looks at you sometimes. Like yesterday he was watching when you and me were in the pool talking."

"I didn't notice anything," I responded, and then remembered my conversation with Luke after everyone else had left. "No, wait... he explained some things to me yesterday and admitted he was watching, but he's just going through some stuff, and..."

"Rory, I'm not upset," Seth insisted, moving his arm around my shoulder to pull me a little closer. "Look, it's just stuff I noticed. Like, last night, too, when you were dancing with him--he likes to get a little cozy, you know?"

"Seth."

"And... I could get jealous, or I could just trust you to think it was just a dance..."

"It was just a dance," I insisted. I no longer had any idea how we came into this topic, but I didn't like it. It seemed to me that your boyfriend wasn't supposed to make outrageous guesses about who else might like you.

"Maybe to you it was," Seth replied. He was beginning to look frustrated, but obviously trying not to unleash it. "Rory, I like Luke, okay? I mean, clearly, I can't blame him for liking you."

"Seth, it's not like that..."

"Okay," he cut me off, smiling to show that he wasn't upset about anything. I couldn't exactly match it. This was not the first time I'd been accused of liking Luke. The last time, I'd admitted to myself that I did in fact, like him, but this time... "Let's just say for a second that I'm right," Seth insisted. "Let me ask you something. If I was right, and Luke was interested in you--would it matter?

"It wouldn't matter," I said, squeezing Seth's hand. I hadn't even thought about the question. Didn't have the time to think about it. This was Seth I was talking to, and that was the right answer. It's the same one he'd given me when it came to Aaron.

The awkwardness around Luke due to Seth's ridiculous assumption started sooner than expected. Sooner, because I hadn't expected it to start at all.

I didn't know you could have a pizza delivered to a park. Neither did anyone else, I guess, because they were skeptical when Luke got on his cell phone around noon and ordered seven of them as the group we were in continued to grow. Once the food was on its way, he held out his hand and waited for everyone to pitch in.

Seth and I were still there. We kept saying that we were going to go somewhere else, on our own, but I think by lunch neither of us actually had any specific place in mind, other than Seth's bedroom. But it seemed that his mom was hosting a play date for his little sister, and we decided that hanging out at the park wasn't going to kill us for a few hours. Besides, it's not like we weren't in good company, and I was beginning to notice that we did well in a group setting, especially in one where no one cared if we decided to ignore everyone to make out for five minutes at a time during various moments. And, it seemed comfortable, the way that we could still be together without actually having to be together, like when I started talking to Rick as we compared our swim teams while Seth started talking to Angela, and a few other guys this time, I noticed. It also occurred to me that seeing him talk to guys didn't make me jealous, like it had with Aaron. I'm not sure whether this was because I simply didn't see them as competition, or because Seth kept looking over his shoulder at me, as if to keep track of where I was; and because of it, I knew who he was thinking about, and who he was talking to just didn't matter.

Seth was talking to Brian and Cathy about something that seemed to have him interested when Luke slid into the bench next to me, shirtless and sweaty and thoroughly scraped up and bruised from playing football, one of the pizza boxes that had been passed around in his hands. He held it open for me and looked at me pointedly until I finally took a slice. I hadn't really been hungry, and the pizza looked greasy, but Luke looked satisfied as he placed the box on the table and moved closer to me, so that he was against me. He'd been sweating from all of his running around and our shoulders seemed to stick together as we ate in silence for a few moments, only half paying attention to the conversations around us.

"Dave's making out with Angela," Luke finally said, and I turned my head towards him. He nodded over his shoulder to indicate what he was talking about and I looked. Dave was, in fact, making out with Angela. Kinda. They were sitting on the grass, holding hands and kissing rather awkwardly, almost carefully. Eyes open. It was actually kinda funny to look at.

"Well... good," I decided. "I mean... maybe now you won't have to hear him so much, you know."

"Hmm. Maybe. It's kinda weird," Luke replied, and I looked at him curiously.

"Weird?"

"Yeah; I mean, before he just liked her, and now he's with her, and it's... weird. But yeah, good, too. I guess... Jole, pizza?" Luke suddenly called, and I found myself smiling when the guy Luke seemed to show an interest in turned from where he was talking to Rick and moved towards the table.

"Yeah, thanks," the other blond replied as he grabbed a slice, and then walked away. I watched Luke carefully during this, a little disappointed that he seemed to be more interested in his food now, than Jole.

"Who was that?" I asked him casually.

"Jole."

I waited for more of a response, but didn't get one when Luke decided to take another large bite of his pizza instead, shifting one leg under the table so that his shoe was against mine. I found myself looking down at it for a moment as it made me think of what Seth had said earlier. His foot was against mine. No big deal, of course. We sat close all the time. There was nothing wrong with being comfortable with each other. Comfortable, not cozy like Seth said. Two different things.

"How do you know Jole?" I asked, and then to make sure the conversation moved in the right direction, added, "He's kinda cute."

Luke lifted his eyes to where Jole was now talking to a few girls who I didn't know, as if to consider what I was saying as he chewed his food, and I found myself frowning again as seconds continued to pass. He was clearly checking Jole out earlier. I felt his foot shift against mine and looked down again. It was just a foot. Stop thinking about it.

"Hmm," Luke finally mumbled. "I guess so."

He turned his attention to me, and I found myself going uncharacteristically tense as Luke suddenly reached down and picked an olive that had dropped on my thigh off my leg and tossed it aside before going back to his own food as if it didn't mean anything. Because it didn't mean anything. So why the hell was I thinking about it? I made a mess. He cleaned it up. Friends. There was nothing unusual about him looking out for me. I found myself looking past him, towards the other end of the bench. Empty. Across the table from us--empty. Yet, he chose to sit next to me. Close to me. And thinking about it, which I really shouldn't have been doing, anyway, I realized that there was nothing unusual about that, either. He did it at home on the sofa, unless he was sitting on the other end of it with his feet touching me. It didn't matter if there was plenty of room. For us, it wasn't unusual to sit close together.

For us.

I suddenly found myself looking around, wondering if other people would think it was unusual. Currently, it didn't look like they noticed. I immediately thought of Seth and Angela, and how it was easy to mistake them for a couple. That could have been the case with me and Luke. Maybe that's what Seth was trying to explain to me. Maybe Luke and I just appeared to be close because we'd grown comfortable with each other.

Only, as my eyes drifted to Dave and Angela again, and the awkwardness that they were displaying, something didn't feel quite right. Things were awkward with Angela and Dave because things were new with them. I knew the feeling well. But, if I thought back to the very beginning, things had never quite been that way with Luke and me. Maybe there was a little awkwardness during our first and only real fight, and maybe I did feel a little uncomfortable before I got used to Luke walking around naked, or moving into my personal space as if we'd known each other for years, and not weeks, but it's not like I'd ever had a problem with it. I didn't see anything wrong with it. But maybe... maybe something was... off. If I thought about the way that Luke interacted with Dave, it was true that they seemed comfortable in each other's personal space. It was clear that they were fond of each other, and obviously they'd do anything for each other, but any friendly affection that Luke showed Dave seemed momentary, like jokingly planting a kiss on his best friend's cheek, or putting an arm around his shoulder. There seemed to be thinly drawn lines there that I couldn't quite see with Luke and me. Maybe it was because I was gay, and Dave wasn't. Maybe we were supposed to be able to feel close to each other. I'll admit that there was a certain bond there. But that didn't mean that it was a romantic one. Or, maybe we felt close to each other, because from the first moment I'd met him, Luke had been stepping into my personal space and I'd grown comfortable with it to the point that I had no idea whether or not this kind of thing was unusual.

I was suddenly having a little difficulty thinking straight as Seth's assumptions came back to haunt me, word for word. I was skeptical. I had to be, because Luke interested in me, was never an idea that I'd entertain, or even think about entertaining. We'd had that conversation. Sure, it hadn't been for any particular reason, but Luke had brought it up. Nothing could happen between us because things could get too weird. It could ruin what we did have, not to mention I didn't want to try to bring that kind of conversation up with Jase or Eddie. It would make everything too weird. It didn't matter how attracted I was to Luke. Personally speaking, I'd been dealing with so much crap as it was, I wouldn't have wanted to add sorting out a more physical relationship with Luke to the list. But just because I felt that what we'd talked about was right, and even if Luke knew that nothing could happen between us, that didn't mean that it's what he wanted.

I felt completely brazen for even thinking that. I looked at Luke, watching him lick a smudge of tomato sauce off of his lip. He didn't like me. I doubted that I was even his type. Maybe he cared about me, and looked out for me, and was completely supportive whenever I needed him to be, but to think that he was interested in something more seemed so far-fetched that I couldn't even begin to comprehend it, and the thought alone made me uneasy. I wasn't supposed to be feeling like this--confused, and torn; and really confused, and terrified that on some level, Seth's assumption could be true; and I was really, really confused. I wasn't supposed to be going over every moment, every time Luke touched me, wondering if it meant something. I wasn't supposed to be wondering why he was sitting so close to me now--because that's what Luke did.

I jumped so bad that I ended up off of the bench, standing a good foot away from the picnic table when I felt lips on my neck.

"Hey," Seth said, turning me to face him. "Are you okay? I didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't," I said quickly, looking between Seth and Luke, who were both regarding me strangely. Luke's brow was arched and he still had a piece of pizza hanging out of his mouth, while Seth looked worried that he'd shocked me. "I'm fine. What's up?"

What was up, was that I was suddenly feeling like I'd just been caught doing something wrong. Reasonably, I knew that wasn't true. I'd been talking to my friend and eating a greasy slice of pizza, and my boyfriend kissed me. Nothing. I hadn't done anything to feel ashamed of. But that didn't change that I felt guilty standing there, between the two of them. I just wished that I knew what I was feeling guilty about. I couldn't figure out if it was because Seth had caught me sitting so cozily with Luke, therefore furthering his point, or if it was because Seth kissing me made me uncomfortable because Luke was there to see it, and suddenly I had a problem with that, even if it appeared that Luke couldn't care less. Either way, both were reasons to feel guilty.

"Want some more pizza, Seth?" Luke asked, pushing the box closer towards the end of the table. "There's still a few slices left."