Chapter 3: Lament

I buried my head under the pillow on my bed, wishing that it would do a better job of drowning out the sound of Eddie's voice. I was having one of the worst days of my life, and the last thing I wanted to do was have a rational conversation with a man who thought he could become a father in less than twenty-four hours.

"Look, I know you're having a hard time here, Rory. But we made a deal," Eddie insisted. I felt the bed dip as he sat down. "You agreed to get to know me this summer, and if all we have is one summer, I don't want you spending the whole time picking fights; now I don't know what's going on with you and Luke, but..."

"What makes you think I started it?" I demanded, shoving the pillow away from my head.

This was unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. I was innocent. Luke... Luke was an asshole, as far as I was concerned, acting like it was a crime that I'd actually made a friend. Just because he didn't like Aaron, didn't mean that I wasn't allowed to like him.

"I didn't say that," Eddie said calmly. "But look, if you'd just tell me what's wrong, I'm sure we can work it out. I know Luke, whatever happened I'm sure he didn't..."

"You know him, so I guess that makes him right," I cut him off. "Well if you knew me then you'd know that this wasn't my fault! But you don't know me, and you know what? That's your own damn fault! Why don't you just go away? I'm done talking. If you want to know what happened, go ask him. He's the one you're going to believe anyway."

"Rory..."

"God, I hate it here! Why don't you all just leave me alone? One summer would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn't have to deal with any of you!"

"That's not fair," Eddie shot back.

"If you don't like it, then why don't you send me home? We'd all be a lot happier if you did that anyway!"

I pulled the pillow back over my head, dismissing him. I almost expected him to keep talking, and I was relieved when I felt him get up and walk away. But, my relief was only momentary after the door closed and I was left alone.

I was incredibly uncomfortable in this house. I didn't feel like I could trust anyone. When I had first met Luke, knowing that there was someone my age living in this house felt like a relief. I couldn't imagine it just being me and Eddie, or just me, Eddie, and Jase for that matter. I wasn't sure what to think of Jase anyway. I didn't exactly see us becoming friends.

But now, I seemed to be in a rut with everyone, and it was only my first day. For a while I had even been fooled into thinking that things might work out, that one summer wouldn't be so bad. But now I knew otherwise. How the hell was I supposed to exist with these people?

I wished that I could just go home. Grandma Alice wasn't the easiest person to live with, but she was better than this. I had trouble getting to sleep that night, thinking about the trouble I would be having in the morning. Maybe I could just sleep through the summer. That wouldn't be so bad, if I could just sleep through it...

...

My sleeping through it idea lasted until about ten in the morning, when my grumbling stomach woke me up. I wasn't looking forward to dealing with anyone in my new residence as I gathered some clothes and headed for the bathroom that I was supposed to be sharing with Luke.

Fortunately, there was no sign of him in the basement, so I took my shower, waking myself up before I headed upstairs to see what was in store for the day.

It felt strange, walking through a home that I didn't consider mine. I was dreading the idea of facing anyone this morning, especially Luke. But, regrettably, he was the first person I saw. And I absolutely hated that he looked so damn good in the morning.

Cousin or not, Luke was hot. I'll probably be mentioning that a lot, so get used to it.

He was wearing a pair of black jogging shorts, a good contrast to the golden tan covering most of his body. He still had an indentation of his pillowcase across his right cheek and his bare chest had that morning glow to it. His curls were tussled on his head, strands sticking up and hanging in his face. He looked amazing.

I almost forgot that I was mad at him until he looked up at me. The way that his eyes narrowed on me was a sure sign that he was still mad at me too. I looked away, having nothing to say as I walked past him and into the kitchen, and he went to take a seat at the table.

"Morning, Rory." I looked back, seeing Jase as he entered the kitchen, wearing a business suit, touching my shoulder as he passed.

"Morning," I mumbled.

"What do you eat for breakfast?" Jase asked as he went to the cupboards. "Cereal? Or do you prefer something warm?"

"Cereal's fine," I replied.

Jase held up the two choices of cereal and after pointing to the one with sugar in it, he handed me a box and I went about fixing myself a bowl. When Jase and I joined Luke at the table, he avoided my eyes entirely.

"Shouldn't you be at work already?" Luke asked Jase. "I thought that Eddie was the one who was staying home to baby-sit today."

I glared at Luke and his obvious shot at me.

"Knock it off, Luke," Jase warned. "Eddie had a meeting this morning. He should be back soon; I'll be leaving then. What are your plans for the day?"

I sat silently, listening as they talked. Neither of them were looking at me. It was easy to feel like I didn't belong there.

"Dave's coming over," Luke replied. "We were going to hang out here."

"When will he be here?" Jase asked.

Luke shrugged. "A few hours."

There was the sound of a door opening, and somewhere in the house Chey barked, before she followed Eddie into the kitchen. He looked kind of funny, wearing a jacket and tie over a pair of jeans, but I guess it suited him. He also looked tired, but he managed a smile as he came towards the table.

"Hey guys," he said.

"Hey," Jase said, smiling at him. "We were just having breakfast and then I'm out of here. Looks like these two are still fighting."

I frowned, annoyed that Jase would mention that, and I think that Luke looked just as disgruntled as I felt.

"Really?" Eddie smiled, talking to Jase but looking back and forth between Luke and me. "Have either of them mentioned what this is all about yet?"

"Not yet," Jase replied.

Luke glared at them. "We're right here, you know."

"We know," Eddie replied, and then took a seat next to Jase. "Rory, I was thinking that we could go out for a while today, maybe to lunch or something. I wanted to talk to you about some things."

I shrugged. "Fine." I wasn't exactly looking forward to spending a day with Eddie, or talking to him for that matter. But, if the alternative was staying here with Luke, I could live with it. Besides, he didn't seem to be ignoring me like the other two.

After breakfast, which was mostly quiet, I ended up back in my room with the door closed, where I just sat on the bed, thinking. Mostly about my mom. I missed her. But, I was beginning to feel anger towards her for my current situation. I wished that I could see her one more time. If I could ask only one question I would demand to know why she put me here with these people who I wanted nothing to do with.

Deep down, I believed that there had to be a reason for it. Mom rarely did anything this extreme without a reason. Unfortunately, I was too busy hating my situation to figure out what that reason was.

I looked up, realizing that I had left my door cracked open when Chey pushed her way through. Despite the way I felt about her owner at that particular moment, I found myself petting her, wondering why I had never once asked to own a dog when I was younger. I guess I had always been satisfied with what I had, until now.

"You know, that's amazing."

I looked up to see that Eddie was leaning in the doorway, looking at Chey and me.

"What's so amazing?" I replied, uninterested.

"It's just that Chey usually follows Luke everywhere," Eddie explained. "And whenever he's mad at Jase or me, she acts like she's mad at us too. She must really like you."

I shrugged. "Or maybe she just knows that her owner's being a jerk."

Eddie chuckled as he stepped into my room.

"You know, Rory, if you would just tell me what's going on with you and Luke..."

I frowned. "Forget it. It's no big deal."

"So is this how it's going to be?" Eddie asked. "We're going to have this tension in the house all summer?"

"Ask Luke that," I replied. "He's the one who owes me an apology."

"Why is that?" Eddie asked.

I raised an eyebrow at his pathetic attempt to get me to talk.

"Ask Luke, " I reiterated.

"Okay," Eddie said, sighing. "Why don't we forget about Luke right now and you can come with me."

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Well, we could go to lunch," Eddie suggested. "Unless you're still full from breakfast."

"I'm not really hungry," I replied in an attempt to put the inevitable off longer.

"Then we can go to the park," Eddie stated.

"In this weather?" I asked incredulously.

"Dress down," Eddie remarked as he left my room. "Come on, we're leaving in ten minutes."

I watched him go and then sighed, accepting my fate. I gave Chey one more scratch behind the ears and then took advantage of the time I had to dress in shorts and a tank before I went upstairs to meet Eddie. He was dressed similarly, and it was strange, how without the jackets and ties, he actually looked younger. Maybe even younger than he was. He definitely appeared less intimidating.

I noticed that Eddie was carrying a thick, red binder as I followed him out to the garage. But before I could ask him what it was, we were interrupted as Luke passed by us with one of the guys from the night before, the one he called his best friend, Dave.

"You're going out?" Luke asked Eddie, not so much as giving me a glance. I knew that we were fighting, but something about being so blatantly ignored, hurt.

I was still feeling very alone in my new surroundings, longing for something or someone familiar. I missed my grandmother. I missed my friends. Being surrounded by people who you hardly know isn't easy. Being surrounded by people who can't stand you was worse.

"Yup, we'll be back in a bit," Eddie replied. "Hi, Dave."

"Hi, Eddie," Dave replied, and then smiled at me. "Hey, it's Rory, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, when you get back maybe we could all..." Dave started, but Luke grabbed his arm, interrupting him before he could finish.

"Come on, Dave," Luke insisted. "See you later, Eddie."

I noticed that Eddie frowned at Luke as he walked away with Dave, who looked confused. But, at least Eddie had enough sense not to say anything and risk embarrassing me. But when Eddie touched my shoulder on the way to the car, that comforting contact was more welcomed than I'd like to admit.

I was quiet as Eddie drove, not really paying attention to where we were going as I looked out the window. Through the glare, I could see Eddie glancing at me every once in a while. He seemed nervous again. I wondered if he would always be nervous when we were alone together. I wondered if I would always be nervous when we were alone together.

"Luke can be kind of sensitive," Eddie suddenly said, breaking the silence. "When he gets hurt, he knows how to hold a grudge. He always gets over it, though. If you give it some time, it'll get better."

"So you think I hurt him?" I asked, somewhat bitterly.

"Rory, I didn't mean it like that," Eddie insisted. "I'm not taking sides... I can't take sides. I don't even know what's going on. Except, that when you two left the house last night you were fine but when you came back..."

"Let's not talk about it," I insisted. "Why are we going out anyway? Why couldn't you just talk to me at the house?"

"I thought we could use our privacy," Eddie replied. "Besides, it's not so terrible, spending a little time with me, is it?"

"I guess not," I admitted, unenthusiastically.

"Gee, thanks," Eddie said, right before we fell into another silence, all the way to the park.

It wasn't the same park that Luke had taken me to before. This one was smaller, with a playground and more people. We found some shade under a tree and I noticed that Eddie still had that binder with him.

"So what are we talking about?" I asked after we were seated. "Are you going to lay down the rules, or is this going to be one of those things where you tell me all of your family history so I know where I came from?"

He smiled. "Well, how about for now, we forget about the rules? I'm new at this too, Rory. We'll have to make things up as we go in that area. And as for family, I'd love to give you all of my... our, family history, but I wouldn't want you to be completely bored on our first outing together."

"Your family's boring?"

"No," he said, laughing, "I wouldn't say that... but, I think we should leave talking about them until later. Today, I thought you might want to look at this."

He slid the binder over to me, and I made a point to act uninterested when I opened it. But really, I was curious. And soon, I discovered that it was a picture book, starting out with baby pictures of a dark-haired boy.

"This is you?" I asked.

"Yup," Eddie replied, looking over my shoulder. "But, you can skip over the first half of those if you want... there was something else that I wanted you to see."

I flipped through the pages quickly, but not so quickly that I couldn't take note of the pictures. It probably would have surprised Eddie to know that I was actually curious about these pictures. And I was curious about Eddie, not that I was ready to admit that to him.

As I scanned through the pictures, I watched the baby grow into a boy. Surprisingly a short, scrawny boy. Even scrawnier than I was at that age. And as I looked, I realized that I was comparing myself to that boy in the pictures. I was comparing myself to Eddie.

It couldn't be helped, really. If I were to place my photos at that age alongside those of Eddie's, it would look like we were brothers. I really did look like him, and seeing it, brought back the reality that he really was my father.

I was so busy looking at pictures of Eddie that I nearly missed a very important image in one of the photos. Almost. Actually, it would have been hard to miss the little girl with blonde hair and a backwards baseball cap who had Eddie, at age six, in a headlock.

I knew that girl. There were pictures of her everywhere at Grandma Alice's house. Of course, it had been a while since I had actually seen any of her so young. I found myself absently reaching out and touching the photograph, suddenly feeling depressed.

If it weren't my mother in that picture, I probably would have found it hilarious the way she had young Eddie in a headlock while he begged for mercy. But it wasn't funny. That girl in the photograph had been so happy. She'd always been happy. She was one of those rare people who enjoyed life and made it enjoyable for others. And now she was gone. It didn't seem fair.

"She was always picking on me," Eddie said quietly, from behind me. "It was so embarrassing," he said. "But, she'd run off all the bullies too... Gina was my best friend."

"She never mentioned you," I replied, flipping to the next page, only to find more pictures of my mother and Eddie together.

"It's... complicated," Eddie continued. "To be honest Rory, I don't know why she never mentioned me to you."

"Maybe that's because you were never there," I replied, looking down at another photo where Eddie and my mother were a little older. Mom was laughing and Eddie's arm was around her. He had grown taller than her since the last picture, and some of that scrawniness was gone. Mom still looked beautiful. She always did.

Eddie fell silent for a long time. I hoped that he was thinking about not being there. Served him right to feel guilty about it, as far as I was concerned. Not that Mom and I weren't happy without him. We were just fine without him, thank you very much. But if he wanted to be a father now, it seemed to me that he had about sixteen years to make up for.

"Rory, there's something I need to tell you..." Eddie started.

"What?" I asked, without looking back. I was too busy looking at another picture. My mother and Eddie had their arms around each other again. But this time was different. They looked like they were my age, and while before they seemed like good friends, now it was obvious by the way that my mom looked at Eddie, that they were a couple.

And she was really looking at him, too. I had never seen her look at anyone like that. Sure, she'd dated over the years, but no one ever worked out. She had felt something for Eddie. Maybe she was even in love with him. I think I hated him more, realizing that. I hated him for leaving her.

Meanwhile, Eddie had gone silent behind me. I could feel him looking over my shoulder, looking at the photo. Suddenly, I didn't want him to see her. I didn't care if it was his book or not. I closed it. He wasn't allowed to look at her. Not her.

"Gina was my best friend, Rory," Eddie said, sighing. "We grew up together, and we were still really young when we started dating."

"And then you found out she was pregnant and you left her," I concluded, causing Eddie to fall silent again.

"We... broke up," he finally said, "but it was more complicated than that."

"But you broke up with her," I accused. "Didn't you?"

Eddie sighed. "Yes. That was my decision."

"She was a good person, you know," I stated. "She would have... she would have given you everything, and you left her."

"That's not how it happened."

"Because of me," I realized. "You didn't want her because of me." I didn't really know where I was going with this. But seeing the photos had brought something out in me.

"That's not true," Eddie snapped, causing me to look back at him. He looked frustrated, almost like he wanted to say something but he was holding it back.

"Rory, it had nothing to do with you," he insisted. "I didn't... it had nothing to do with you. I did love your mom, you know. But, in the end, it never would have worked. She was my best friend..."

It pissed me off that he kept saying that. To me, he wasn't a good father, and he wasn't even a good friend.

"Some friend!" I snapped. "You left her alone with me! But you know what? She was a good mom! I never needed you. Never! And she didn't either. We were just fine without you! I'll be fine without you."

I was getting emotional. Remembering my mother, seeing the way she smiled in the pictures, and dealing with Eddie and the feelings of anger and maybe even abandonment that I was feeling towards him, was too much. It all made me feel more alone than ever, and I was completely opposed to breaking down in a public park.

I dropped the book and got up without another word, to head for where the car was parked, leaving Eddie to silently follow. When he caught up and opened his mouth to say something to me, I turned away, hoping that he'd get the message.

He did.

The ride back was even more silent than the ride to the park. Eddie kept looking at me again. He kept gripping the steering wheel and clenching his jaw, as if he wanted to say something. I hoped that he would keep it to himself, but he didn't. We were almost home when he glanced my way and let out a breath.

"I'm sorry, Rory." I turned even more towards the window after that. I didn't want his apology. "Whatever you think happened between your mom and me... you don't have the whole story. It was complicated. I'm sorry you're mad at me, but I can't help that I wasn't there for your mom, or you. You have no idea how sorry I am that I wasn't there for you. But I can't change that I wasn't, and I can't change that your mom died, and I can't change it if you want to hate me. I don't know... maybe you have the right to hate me. But I'm here now. And maybe I can't make up for..."

"You can't," I interrupted shortly, as we reached the house and pulled into the garage. "All you can do now is make it worse. Just... leave me alone."

I was out of the car as soon as it stopped and I fled into the house, suddenly finding it very hard to think straight. I left Eddie sitting in the garage, and I was glad that he wasn't following me.

His apology did make it seem worse. I felt like he was apologizing because he thought that I wanted him to. Maybe I did want him to apologize. But, if that were true, then it would mean that I actually regretted growing up without a father. So it couldn't be true. I had been just fine, damn it. I had a great mother. I had a happy childhood.

But my mom was gone now. Eddie had just come into my life. I didn't need him. Not really. Just because he happened to be my father didn't mean anything now that my mom was gone. I didn't need him back then, so I didn't need him now.

But I felt like I needed someone. My grandmother, all of my friends, they were so far away. It seemed like I felt more alone every second that I was in this place, with these people. I found myself randomly thinking of Aaron. We had had a good time at the park last night, just talking. For a while there I had actually felt like I was welcomed. But I couldn't even call him.

Sure, there was a possibility that I would see him again. But, I doubted that Luke would be inviting me to go back to that park with him anytime soon. I couldn't remember Aaron's last name either, so it wasn't like I could look him up.

I was definitely still upset with Luke for throwing Aaron's number out the window. I mean, who does something like that? And why did Luke hate Aaron so much anyway? He didn't even give me an explanation, and I couldn't see any reason for it. Aaron hadn't said anything bad about Luke. Luke seemed to be the only one with a problem. But, I was too busy feeling depressed over my outing with Eddie, and trying to make sense of how I felt about him and my mom together, to worry about why Luke was such an asshole.

Too bad Luke was downstairs when I reached the basement. Dave was with him. They were stretched out on the sofa, laughing at whatever music video was on. I planned to just pass them by and go to my room, but I found myself pausing when Luke looked back and his smile faded when he saw me.

It was bad enough that he was an asshole. It was worse that it actually bothered me that we were fighting. I hated to think that he was angry with me and I couldn't figure out why. His hostility towards me was definitely evident on his face.

I felt like an intruder, in his home. I guess maybe I was an intruder. I was intruding into Eddie's, Jase's, and Luke's lives as much as they were intruding into mine. But looking at Luke made me feel so unwelcome. I guess that shouldn't have bothered me, right? I mean, I was the one who didn't want to be here in the first place. I still didn't want to be here.

But I had no choice in the matter.

"Hey, you're back," Dave said, smiling back at me when he noticed me standing there. "We were just going to go for a swim, do you wanna come, Rory?"

Despite my bad mood, Dave's smile was refreshing. Other than his name I didn't know anything about him, but he seemed nice enough. Then again, Luke had been nice when I first met him too. That definitely hadn't turned out well. I was reminded of how unwell it turned out when Luke opened his mouth and responded before I could answer Dave.

"I'm sure Rory isn't interested in hanging out with us," he said, still glaring at me. "He doesn't want to be here anyway, so why don't we just act like he's not."

His words hurt. Sure, I didn't want to be there, but with people like him around who could blame me? I felt horrible, just standing there, staring at Luke. After my emotionally draining outing with Eddie, and now this, I was having a hard time not tearing up. It didn't even make me feel better when Dave reached out and smacked the back of Luke's head.

"Dude, what's your problem?" Dave demanded.

Luke didn't even flinch. He just stared me down until I sadly turned away without another word, retrieving the portable phone from its cradle on my way to my room, where I promptly slammed the door.

I hated getting emotional. I hardly ever cried before my mom died, and if I did, it took a lot to make me cry. But, after she died, sometimes I felt like the smallest things could make me cry. I guess being uprooted and having everything you know taken away from you wasn't a small matter, but I still felt foolish as I collapsed on my bed and the tears began to fall.

I was a controlled crier. I didn't sob and I didn't cry openly. My tears always seemed silent, running down my face. I didn't bother wiping them away because if I did there would only be more, a moment later. The tears were annoying though, just leakage, sliding down my face, blurring my vision as I looked at the phone and dialed the familiar number.

I brought the phone to my ear and the other end rang six times before Grandma Alice's familiar voice came through the line.

"Hello?"

I sniffled again, not responding.

"Hello?" She got a little louder. "Rory? Is that you?"

"I hate it here," I whispered.

I heard her sigh, and she actually went silent for a few moments. But only a few.

"What happened?" she asked, but continued before I could answer. "For crying out loud, Rory, you haven't even been there for one day. What could be so bad? Have you talked to Eddie about how you're feeling? The two of you need to talk. I swear I wish I could just lock you both in a room together so you could clear the air. Honestly, the things that you need to say to each other shouldn't be buried. It's just too bad that I have more sense than to tell the both of you exactly what needs to be said. It's just not my place, is all."

"Grandma, I can't talk to him!" I practically shouted. I hadn't really listened to everything that she said. I gave up trying to listen to all of her ramblings years ago. That just seemed to happen around Grandma.

"Rory, do not raise your voice to me," she said in that warning tone of hers. "I raised my daughter with more sense than that, and I know she didn't raise you to be disrespectful. Now either you can tell me what's wrong calmly, or you can call back when you're able to do so."

Holy damn. You just couldn't get in a word with this woman. I was already feeling exasperated.

"I hate it here, Grandma!" And no, I didn't bother to lower my voice. "You don't understand, they don't want me here! I just want to come home."

"Now that's just nonsense and you know it. You listen to me. Your mother put you there for a reason. I know it doesn't seem fair to you, and God knows that I miss you. This change isn't easy for me either, Rory. After losing your mother, the thought of you being so far away... well, it's not really the point. You're exactly where you're supposed to be. Now I can't say that I think it's right that your mom didn't tell you what she was planning, but I can say that she did do right by you. Now if Eddie's given you the option of just staying for the summer, I won't argue with that. You know that you're always welcome here, and I'll always have a place for you. But not until summer's over. Now, you need to stop calling me and go talk to your father. And I assure you, Eddie does want you there."

"Only because he feels guilty," I argued. "I saw the pictures, Grandma. He showed me the pictures of him and Mom. She loved him and he left her! And he actually tried to apologize! Can you believe that? Like saying he's sorry will make it all better! It's such bullshit!

"Rory Norick! Language. Honestly..."

"Sorry, It's such... bull," I replied, properly chastised but unable to keep the anger from my voice. "He had no right! I don't belong here, I know I don't. Why should I talk to him now? Why did she do this to me? Why would she send me here?"

"Now look, I know you're upset Rory, but..."

"I can't stay here," I stated. "The summer's too much. I want to come home. I can't talk to Eddie. Everyone else seems to hate me. Why did Mom do this? Did she want me to be alone? I'm mad her, Grandma. I can't help it. I just want everything to go back to the way that it used to be."

"Rory, you're going to have to calm down, darling."

Damn it. I hated that she was calm. My life was falling apart and she was calm. That just pissed me off more.

"I don't want to be calm, damn it!" I snapped.

"Alright, sweetheart, you get it all out," she replied, in that same, irritating, rational tone. "You just be sure to call me back when you're finished."

And then she hung up on me. Again. She hung up and left me alone. I didn't even have her familiar voice to keep me company. I was beginning to hate feeling alone. I guess the sad thing was that I while I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want the company of certain people, either. Like Eddie. It seemed like he wouldn't leave me alone. But, I couldn't help pushing him away.