Chapter 19: Very, Very bad

I couldn't get in the pool. Not when I could risk running into Eddie, and not after he'd pointed out that hickey. But, that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to sink right to the bottom, where it was safe, with all that water over me. I wanted to take back everything from the moment I'd met Aaron, and then I wanted to randomly meet him on the street and kick his ass for no reason. It hurt. It hurt worse than I wanted to admit; that I'd trusted him and it had gotten me here. It seemed so stupid now, that I'd actually believed that he liked me. That he even cared about me. Every smile he'd ever flashed me, every kiss, everything seemed empty. And wrong. And I was stupid. My stupidity had gotten me here. I hated that, because I didn't know if I should be more pissed off at him, or me.

Probably me. Aaron was just an asshole. I was an idiot, and that was worse. It was worse because despite all the warnings, I'd let myself get fooled. I was the one who didn't listen to the only friend I had there. I was the idiot who'd been stupid enough to think that Aaron was something special, just because he was my first kiss. He was my first for a lot of things. Regrettably.

I couldn't get in the pool, so I settled for getting under my blankets. I kicked off my shoes, I crawled into bed, I pulled every cover I could over me, and I tried to catch my breath. That's what I needed to do. I needed to breathe, because it felt like I'd been holding my breath ever since I'd walked out of the house earlier that night, and I needed air. Granted, it would have been easier without all of those covers over my head, but more than needing air, I needed calm. I needed to just stop. Stop everything, especially thinking. I didn't want to think anymore, because I couldn't think. Everything was a mess. Everything in my head felt like a bigger mess. I kept wondering how I was going to face Aaron. I never wanted to see him again, not after the way he treated me tonight, and not after what he said to me. But, I kept wondering if I would--or when I would. I wasn't sure how to face him after tonight. I didn't know how to face a few people after tonight. Luke was one of them, and with Luke, the trouble wasn't going to be in admitting I was wrong. The trouble was--that I'd been wrong.

"It's a hickey!" This, was Eddie's voice coming from outside of my room, getting my attention. I shoved the covers off my head and sat up to stare at the door.

"Yeah. You keep saying that," Jase's voice responded, and I had to bite my own tongue to keep from groaning out loud.

This is not what I needed right now.

"It's on his neck!" Eddie said, in a voice that I'm sure he thought was hushed.

"A good place for a hickey," Jase replied calmly. There was a silence that followed, and if I wasn't so mortified, I might have laughed at the look I imagined Eddie giving Jase.

"Jase, this isn't funny."

"It really is," I heard Jase say. "Do you realize you reacted the exact same way the first time Luke came home with a hickey?"

I pushed the blankets the rest of the way off, and found myself silently moving closer to the door. I wondered if Aaron was responsible for Luke's hickey, too. I frowned.

"Well..." Eddie started.

"It didn't go so well with Luke because you barged in trying to scare him half to death," Jase reminded Eddie.

"He was thirteen! He should have been scared."

"And, instead he ended up giving you the sex talk."

"I told you we shouldn't have let him on the internet," Eddie said in response.

"Eddie, Rory's three years older than Luke was. Look, just calm down, okay? You can't go in there and talk to him if you're not calm."

"But you didn't see the kid he was with," I heard Eddie say. "He was shady."

Well, at least I could give him that. Only, if Eddie thought Seth was responsible for the hickey that I'd been too terrified to look at as of yet, then he was mistaken. Of course, matters would probably be a lot worse if he knew where I really got it.

"Shady? Eddie, you don't even know anything about the kid. Rory might tell you about him, though... if you approach the subject reasonably."

"Reasonably, Jase? How am I supposed to do that? Who knows what else they've been doing--I can't handle this."

"Yes you can," Jase insisted. "Just... go in there, ask him how his night was... and talk."

"Talk," Eddie scoffed. "What am I supposed to do, give him the talk? His mom probably already did that."

"The other talk," Jase replied calmly.

What other talk? I didn't like the sound of this.

"What if he just gets mad?"

"Come on, Eddie," Jase insisted. "He won't get mad; maybe he has questions--questions his mom couldn't answer."

Oh god. Gay sex. They were talking about gay sex! I felt my cheeks heating at the very thought of trying to talk to Eddie about something like that.

"Jase, I don't know..." he replied. Go with it, Eddie. You don't know. Walk away. "He's too young to be doing this kind of stuff, anyway. Can't I just tell him not to?"

Wait. Too young? Who the hell was he to tell me that I was too young?

"Why don't you just explain why he shouldn't?" Jase suggested. "Eddie, I hate to break this to you, but you're the father of a teenager. You can't just lock them up and tell them they can't do something. Give him the facts, and trust him to make the right choices. Do you want me to get you the books?"

"I don't need a book," Eddie responded grudgingly. "I'll just... talk to him."

"You know where to find me if you need me," Jase replied.

There was another long silence on the other side of the door, and I waited. My door was locked, so I knew that Eddie wasn't just going to walk in, not that he tried to. By the time he finally did knock, I was ready for him. I opened the door, seeing that he was now alone in the hall. Nervous and alone.

"So," I said, before he had a chance to say anything at all. "You got my mom pregnant when you were only, what? Sixteen, right?"

Eddie opened his mouth. Then he closed it again. Now, instead of looking nervous, he looked more embarrassed. My job here was done. True, maybe it was a little cruel, but I just couldn't have this conversation with him right now. Especially with Luke appearing in the hall behind him.

"Um... so I'll get one of Jase's books for you to read then," Eddie said, and then abruptly turned. "Hey Luke," he said, pausing momentarily before continuing on his way--quickly--down the hall.

"What's with him?" Luke asked, glancing over his shoulder as he neared me.

"You don't want to know," I replied, suddenly feeling some nervousness and embarrassment of my own, especially when Luke looked at me and his eyes drifted directly to my neck. He frowned, and I started to worry about the extent of the hickey on my neck. But, Luke never commented on it as he met my eyes again.

"Hey."

"Hey," I replied. "What are you doing home? I thought you weren't going to be back until later."

"I dropped Dave off after you called. I wanted to make sure everything was okay."

That wasn't what I wanted to hear. I frowned, and found myself retreating back into my room, but Luke was right on my heels, even as I turned my back to him. I was really afraid of this conversation.

"Rory?"

"Yeah?" I replied, turning back to face him as I took a seat on my bed.

"So what did he do?"

I looked at Luke, wondering how he did that. Of course, his past experience with Aaron likely told him that something happened, and Aaron was at fault.

"It doesn't matter," I insisted. "You were right. You can say I told you so, and I'm not going to see Aaron again. It's over, okay?"

"What did he do?" Luke asked again, this time sounding a little irritated as he took a seat next to me. Only, I didn't get the feeling that he was irritated with me. Still, I was having a lot of trouble meeting his eyes.

"He just wasn't who I thought he was; listen, it's been a really long night, and..." I paused when I met Luke's eyes. I couldn't just tell him I was fine and send him on his way. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" he asked, and the fact that he looked genuinely confused only made me feel worse. Luke really was a great person. Sometimes, I thought, too great.

"For not listening to you," I replied. I thought it would have been obvious. "Luke, everything you ever told me about him, was true. I was just... fucked up. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you."

"Rory, what did he do?" Luke asked again, this time looking not only curious, but determined.

I let out a breath and leaned back on my bed, staring at the ceiling as I thought over everything that had happened since I'd met Aaron... and everything Luke had told me about him.

"You know what else was really fucked up?" I said, as Luke sat next to me and watched curiously. "It's not just that I didn't listen to you when you warned me about him. I should have stayed away from him after you told me what he did to you. I mean, it shouldn't have mattered that I wanted to believe he was different now, right? If I was any kind of friend to you..."

"You are my friend, Rory," he cut me off. "I mean, yeah, I kind of hate it that you like Aaron, but for all I know, he could have changed, and maybe you saw it..."

"He didn't change," I replied, and he frowned.

"Okay, seriously, what did he do to you?" Luke wanted to know as he took my arm and pulled me back into a sitting position, as if he meant business, and I suddenly remembered his threat to kick Aaron's ass. Maybe I wouldn't have minded seeing something like that at the moment, but the last thing I wanted was for Luke to get involved in this. His past was full of enough Aaron bullshit.

"Nothing," I replied, and when he issued me a challenging look, I sighed. "Look, he said we were going to a party, okay? It's my fault for not asking what was going to go on there."

"Rory..."

"He was drunk. Really fucking drunk, and things just went bad."

Luke narrowed his eyes at this, and he seemed far from satisfied.

"I've seen Aaron drunk, Rory. Did he give you a hard time about something?"

"I just wanted to leave, and he wouldn't," I said, deciding that Luke didn't need to know what happened in between all that. "I mean, he said some things I didn't like, and I got a ride home with someone else. No big deal."

"It is a big deal," Luke responded, sounding annoyed again. "For him to even put you in that position..."

"Luke, please; it's over, okay? Just..."

"Fine," he replied, not sounding happy about it at all. "But it's not cool, Rory. He fucked up, and you shouldn't feel bad..."

"I'm done with him, Luke. I swear. I just... wanna forget about it. And I am really sorry."

I ran a hand over my face, wishing that I could just make the whole situation go away.

"Stop apologizing to me, alright?" Luke suddenly said, moving an arm around my shoulders and pulling me towards him. I had no objection with leaning against him. In fact, I was more than appreciative for the comfort. I was feeling like shit, and after Aaron, I wanted all the comfort I could get, whether or not I deserved it. "We're okay, really--are you?"

I let out a breath, ready to tell him that I was fine again, but stopped myself at the last moment.

"It kinda sucks, Luke," I admitted, and he pulled me in a little tighter for a moment.

"Hey, if it's worth anything, I really am sorry he wasn't different with you."

I let a small smile move over my mouth for only a moment, even if Luke couldn't see it with my head on his shoulder. I was sorry about that, too. I was just having trouble saying it out loud. It was like remembering how bad it hurt, and right now, I wanted to block out the hurt factor. I was already feeling shaky, and just wanted it to stop.

"Hey Luke? I'm kind of ready to crash..." I said and he let his arm drop from me and just smiled.

"You're sure?"

"Believe me. I'm tired."

Luke seemed a little reluctant to leave, and went as far as asking if I wanted him to sleep on my floor again. I might have taken him up on that, if I wasn't so afraid of completely losing it overnight. I could still feel those stupid tears that had been there when I realized what an asshole Aaron was, and I had no intention of letting Luke see them if I couldn't hold them back. Besides, in some ways, I just wanted to be alone. I felt like I had a lot of thinking to do, and I was afraid that if Luke stayed, I might just do that thinking out loud. Unfortunately, after he left, I was far from alone.

When Jase showed up in my room with a few books under his arms, I got worried. When he said that since I scared off my 'dad' I was stuck with him, I was really worried. I had reason to be. For the next two hours he went through books with me; one that had illustrations of sexually transmitted diseases I didn't want to see again anytime soon. He told me that if I didn't want to see them, I shouldn't get them, and the best way to accomplish that was to keep my dick to myself, although, he did word it a bit more subtly. He also went over safe sex, and why I should have it safe if I was going to have it at all. I was way too embarrassed to ask any questions when he asked if I had any, but I'll admit, the conversation was informative. I think he was surprised at the end of it when I thanked him. He even asked why I was thanking him. When I explained that it was much easier coming from him instead of Eddie, he found it interesting, but didn't elaborate, or say it was a bad thing. And I did find it easier to hear coming from him. It was hard enough talking to Eddie about how he and my mother had been together. I didn't want to discuss my potential sex life with him. After Jase left, Eddie came in to say goodnight. He didn't mention my hickey again, and when he left, I finally got to go to sleep. I didn't do as much thinking as I thought I would. I'd be grateful for it in the morning.

...

It looked horrible. The hickey, that is. It was as purple as the bruise on my face. And big. For such a small, cute mouth, Aaron could leave a pretty large mark. Unfortunately, one that would remind me of him every time I looked in the mirror over the next few days, and if that was going to happen, then I'd have to stop referring to him as cute, I decided. I'd also have to stop looking in the mirror for a while.

I took a long shower Saturday morning. All of the thinking I didn't do the night before was catching up to me, and I spent the first ten minutes of my shower simply staring off into space, thinking about Aaron. I couldn't help thinking about it. It was like I was suddenly remembering random moments with him, from our first kiss to losing my shorts at the swim park, to the way he'd looked at me last night and said those things; and I relived the emotions that went with every event. I wondered if that was normal for a breakup. Honestly, I didn't really care for it. I didn't like thinking about it. It was over, there was no doubt in my mind about that. I just wished that it being over, meant that I was over it.

But, I wasn't over it. Not by a long shot. I wasn't just not over any good feelings I might have had for him, I wasn't over the bad, either. But, why would I be? I reasoned that it had just happened the night before. It was still new. For a moment, though, I wished that I could be as unfeeling and uncaring as Aaron was, just so I could get rid of the knots in my stomach as I spent the rest of the time in the shower scrubbing down from head to toe, spending extra time on my neck. It didn't occur to me until after I was out that I was trying to wash Aaron off.

If it wasn't Saturday, I would have just gone back to bed. But, by the time I felt somewhat clean and got dressed, I realized that Luke's bedroom door was open and he was gone. The smell of food was coming from upstairs, and it was nine o'clock. If I didn't go up, I had a feeling that someone would be down to get me soon enough, anyway, and I went upstairs to join everyone for breakfast.

Jase seemed to be in a good mood. He had made plans to go out to lunch with some people from his office, and kept trying to talk Eddie into going with him. Eddie kept looking at my hickey, making me self-conscious, as he objected to spending lunch at a table full of shrinks. Jase wasn't offended; I think he was actually amused, and happy in the end when Eddie finally smiled at him and agreed. Luke kept smiling at me. Small, reassuring smiles. I must have been sulking. His smiles didn't make it better, they just reminded me that I had something to sulk about. I didn't hint it was bothering me to Luke, though. Instead, I returned them every once in a while and focused on eating my breakfast, something that seemed difficult with no appetite.

And then it happened. The worst reminder in the world.

"When are you guys going?" Eddie asked, looking between Luke and me.

Going where?

"Probably right after we eat," Luke replied, looking at me, as if to confirm this.

Where were we going?

"It's really great of you guys to help Tom out," Eddie said, glancing first at Luke, and then looking at me. "He's had a hard month, with his back out like that."

"Tom?" I asked. Really, I was confused.

"Tom Conner," Eddie replied. "He works in my building." I still didn't get it.

"Angela's dad," Luke said, shoveling more eggs into his mouth; and it all came back to me. Came back to haunt me.

Shit. It was the weekend. I'd been volunteered to go to Angela's house to help her dad out with a project for her mom. Shit again. Seth was going to be there. I was supposed to figure out how to get out of this. Unfortunately, I'd been too fucking sidetracked with Aaron lately, and I'd completely forgotten. I looked at Eddie, wanting to speak up, wanting to say I didn't want to go. Unfortunately, he was smiling at me. He knew Angela's dad. This sucked. I looked at Luke. Maybe I could still get out of this. I could tell him my issues with Seth now.

Only, I wasn't really sure what to say about Seth now. I still didn't like him, I knew that much. But, last night, I'd be lying if I said that he hadn't given me something to think about. I'd had him pegged for a jealous asshole. He was still an asshole, it was the jealous part I wasn't so sure of anymore. Last night he could have easily stayed with Aaron, taken over the situation. But instead he'd driven me home. It didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. He said that he'd been through with Aaron for a while now, but that didn't make sense to me either. It didn't explain a lot of things, like why he'd stayed at the theater that day. Even if he was being honest, and Aaron had invited him, no one in their right mind would have actually stayed in that situation. He did. It just didn't make sense. I started to wonder if he'd lied the night before. Maybe he wasn't through with Aaron at all. Maybe he was just pissed off at him, and wanted him to know it. I guess I shouldn't have cared. But, it was hard not to care when I was going to be forced to see the guy. I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to see anyone or anything that would remind me of Aaron. Too bad I didn't seem to have a choice. When Eddie started to explain how Tom Conner was the one at work who kept everyone smiling, and what a great guy he was, I pretty much figured that any refusal to go would require an explanation. Saying that I didn't like one person who would happen to be there, didn't seem like a good enough reason. Besides, if Eddie asked who the person was and I said it was Seth, he'd probably start asking why I let him give me hickey if I didn't like him. It just seemed like a bad idea to bring any of it up at the breakfast table. I'd have to go.

"Hey, Luke?" I stepped into his room, just as he finished lacing his hightops.

"I know what you're going to say," he informed me, and I raised an eyebrow at that.

"You do?"

"You don't want to go," he said, standing up and moving towards me. This was true. "But trust me, you really want to, you just don't know it."

"Huh?"

"Look, Rory, I've been through enough breakups--and most of them were with Aaron--to know that all you want to do right now is stay home and do your best not to feel like shit." Also true. "But, you should get out. And, I think today will be fun. The guys will be there--Dave's gonna be a little crazy--but that can have entertainment value. Plus, it'll get your mind off of things."

"No it won't," I said instantly.

"Rory..."

"No, it really won't," I insisted, and then explained, "Seth Fisher."

"Yeah, it sucks he's going to be there," Luke agreed. "But Dave..."

"Not Dave, me," I cut him off again. "Luke, I have a problem with Seth."

...

I stared out the jeep window as we reached Dave's neighborhood. The last time I was there, I'd almost expected to see Aaron drive by us. This time, I hoped he wouldn't. I hoped he had such a bad hangover that it would prevent him from even leaving him house for a week. Two weeks if I was lucky. And I hoped he was miserable. Really, fucking miserable. Okay, I'll admit it. I was bitter. But, the more I though about the night before, and his remarks about my lack of sexual skills, the more I couldn't help it.