Chapter 17: Decision

If I wanted to be with him? In this very moment, it was questionable. I wanted to tell Aaron to go fuck himself, and then go make sure Luke was okay; but, I also wanted to beg him not to do this. I guess the bottom line was, I liked Aaron. I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to see where this new relationship was leading--and I wanted him to be able to drive me home every once in a while. Because as much as I hated it at the moment, he had a point. Luke already knew about us, and I couldn't expect him to be happy about it. If I really thought about it, it wasn't fair to Aaron if I ran off after everyone that didn't like the idea of us. It wasn't fair that I couldn't see him because I was afraid of people knowing that I was seeing him. It wasn't fair to him that I couldn't even stick up for him when someone, even Luke, referred to him as shithead. It wasn't fair to him, that I was ashamed to be seen with him.

Holy shit, I was Eddie.

It suddenly made sense to me, why the situation between Eddie and Jase made me uncomfortable. I was guilty of the same thing that Eddie was guilty of. Like father, like son, I guess. Someone kill me now. The way I handled my relationship with Aaron, was wrong. But, in some ways, I didn't see any other alternatives. Maybe that just made me an asshole. Still, it also felt wrong not to go after Luke.

I pulled my hand from Aaron's, suddenly feeling incredibly torn. I wished that I could just explain to him what I was feeling; make him understand. But, anything I had to say, didn't seem right, either. He was asking to let him drive me home. To actually be with him. How the hell was I supposed to explain to him that I didn't know how to do that?

"You know what?" Aaron said, frowning, when I didn't say anything. "Just go, okay?"

"Aaron, come on, this is stupid," I insisted. "We already knew it would be hard to see each other, right? I mean, you've pointed it out. I live with these people. I can't just..."

"It's not like I'm asking you to tell everyone," he argued. "I'm asking you to let Luke be mad. He's going to be, anyway, and it's not like you can't talk to him later. Why do I have to be the one to wait, Rory? Sometimes it seems like I'm the only one doing any of the work here; so, you came down here with Luke, but you wanted to see me, otherwise you'd still be over there with him. For just once, can you act like you actually want to be with me?"

I let out a breath, still not knowing what to do. I guess it was a matter of what was more important to me. Only, thinking of it like that made me feel like I had to choose between Aaron and Luke--and that wasn't really something I knew how to do, either. I closed my eyes for a brief moment, deciding that for now, I was going to just have to go with my gut.

"I do want to be with you," I replied, taking another step away from Aaron. "And I still want to see you on Tuesday. But I live with Luke, Aaron. I can't just let him be mad. I'm sorry."

"So it's okay for you to ask me to stay away from my friend, but you can't even tell yours that you're with me?" he said somewhat heatedly.

"What?"

"Seth. That's what you want, right? You want me to ditch him because the two of you can't get along."

"That's different. Luke isn't telling me not to see you, Aaron."

"He might as well be, if he's getting you to chase after him every time he gets pissed!"

"Aaron, I came here with him. I have to..."

"And when are you ever going to come here with me?" he cut me off.

"On Tuesday, we can..."

"It's not enough. You're here now, Rory. If you need to go talk to Luke, fine, then go talk to him. Make him feel better. But tell him that I'll take you home."

Oh, so now I could go talk to Luke? Was he actually trying to compromise with me? I guess compromise was better than nothing. I took a few moments, wondering what would happen if I told Luke that I was going home with Aaron. I didn't see a good outcome in the scenario. But, at least that way I could talk to him. And, it would make Aaron happy. At least, it would be my way of showing him that I did want to be with him. Hell, maybe doing this would be like saying that we weren't just experimenting with each other. Maybe it would be like saying that we had an actual relationship, that he was my boyfriend. Maybe that's all he wanted. But what did I want? I guess for all intents and purposes, I just wanted to have my cake and eat it too.

"I'm going to go talk to Luke," I said after several long moments of staring at the unwavering expression on Aaron's face.

"What are you going to tell him?"

"I don't know."

"Are you coming back?"

"I don't know." It was as honest as I could get.

What was I thinking? There was no way I could explain things to Luke. At least, I sure as hell didn't want to with all his friends there. At least Seth and his truck had disappeared, along with Angela. But, that still left everyone else. Fuck Aaron for putting me in this position.

Honestly, I wanted to understand where he was coming from, and I guess in some ways, I could. But still, to ask me to do this--now--was a lot. I wasn't exactly out to anyone except for Luke and Dave. And while maybe coming out wasn't a huge deal there, it didn't seem fair that I couldn't do it on my own terms. I felt like coming out was exactly what I'd be doing, if I was forced to explain that I wanted to hang out with Aaron with everyone there to hear it. And then there was the fact that Aaron seemed to be asking me to go get my ass kicked that didn't seem to sit well with me. I'd already experienced Dave's reaction to me having anything to do with Aaron. I doubted that the rest of Luke's friends would treat the situation any differently. I was seriously beginning to wonder if going out with Aaron Keslin was worth all this.

Luke was getting into his car with Dave by the time I reached them, and he didn't exactly make things easier on me; in fact, he hardly looked at me as he spoke in my general direction.

"We're going back to Dave's now, Rory."

He probably expected me to get in. I didn't move, I just stood there, staring at him through the window. I probably paled considerably in the process. I needed to talk to him; I knew that, I just hated that it was like this. I wished that he would have been more open to a conversation earlier. Maybe then, this moment wouldn't have me feeling like such shit.

"Luke." My voice came out so softly that even I had trouble hearing it. "Luke," I tried again. This time he looked at me, but he definitely wasn't smiling. I opened my mouth, to ask him if we could talk, but suddenly I seemed to be having trouble getting any words out at all. Instead of saying anything to him, I ended up avoiding his eyes; suddenly feeling guilty, but unable to determine what it was I felt guilty about. I mean, it wasn't like there was anything I should feel guilty for. So Luke didn't like who I was dating. Why should I feel sorry about that? It wasn't like I was asking Luke to date Aaron. Why did he have to make me feel guilty? Why did any of them have to make me feel guilty? For a brief moment, I decided that they were both jerks, but the feeling faded when I abruptly realized that Luke was getting out of the jeep. For a moment I didn't understand why he was getting out and defensively took a step back. Meeting his eyes stopped me again, however, as one look told me everything I needed to know. Luke knew we needed to talk, and apparently, we were going to. Luke's hand on my shoulder as he led me away from the cars was relieving, and as I forced myself to face him it came to mind that I didn't really care that everyone was watching us anymore.

"What's wrong, Rory?" Luke asked, sounding a little impatient. For a moment, I could only stare in response. Was that a real question? What's wrong? Was he asking me that? I didn't stand there for too long, finding the question peculiar. As Luke seemed to become increasingly impatient I found myself trying to think, trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to say to him. "Look, if you're worried about what I saw..."

"I am," I abruptly cut him off, and then took in a deep breath as I collected my thoughts and forced myself to look him in the eye. "I don't just like Aaron. I've been seeing him." Luke openly frowned and placed his hands in his pockets as his shoulders seemed to stiffen, but I forced myself to continue. "I know you don't like it..."

"Rory..."

"But you're, like, the only friend I have here. I can't choose between you. Please don't make me."

"Can we just get in the car? Please? Dave..."

"Aaron wants to drive me home."

The look I got from Luke after that announcement, suggested that I was about to get an argument. This made me nervous. Really nervous. But, after a moment of clenching and unclenching his jaw, he just shrugged.

"Fine. What are you going to tell Eddie and Jase?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't tell them Aaron brought you home," he replied, sounding annoyed now. "Do you have your phone?"

"Luke..."

"Do you have it?"

"No," I admitted. I really wasn't very good at keeping track of that thing.

"Come here," Luke ordered, and turned back towards his jeep. I frowned and followed him, wondering what he was up to.

"What's going on?" Dave asked from the passenger seat when Luke opened the door.

"Will you grab me a pen?" Luke asked him. "Look in the door next to you."

Dave, looking confused, did as he was asked, and a moment later he was handing Luke a pen, and Luke was startling me, roughly grabbing my wrist and scribbling a number on my forearm.

"Call me when you're ready to go home," Luke stated. "I'll meet you there, or if you need me to come get you, just call me."

I frowned again as he got in his car and closed the door.

"What's going on?" Dave asked again, but he didn't get a response and Luke turned towards my confused face again.

"Luke, wait..." I insisted, not feeling at all good about this.

"I'll see you at home," he said shortly. And then, he was gone.

...

I found Aaron exactly where I'd left him; only now, he was sitting in the grass alone with his elbows on his knees, his back to me, looking none too happy. Well, fuck that. He'd better be happy, because I sure as hell wasn't. True, things could have gone worse with Luke. A lot worse. And as strange as it might sound, I think it bothered me that things didn't go worse. Luke was pissed. He didn't have to say so for me to know it, either. But I think what bothered me, was that he didn't say it. It was almost like he wanted to ignore it, and something about that didn't sit right with me. Part of me knew that it was probably better this way, that he was making things easy. It wasn't like an in-depth conversation with Luke would help anything. He wasn't going to change his mind about Aaron, and he was never going to like that I was with Aaron. But, I still wished that he'd talk to me. That he'd say something.

I tried to push the thought of Luke out of my mind for the time being, as I took a seat next to Aaron, who actually looked surprised to see me when his eyes snapped in my direction. It surprised me, that he actually looked as glum as I felt. I didn't understand that. After all, he'd gotten his way. This was what he wanted.

"You should have just gone with him," Aaron finally said, after minutes of uncomfortable silence. The look I flashed him for that was resentful at best.

"Well I didn't," I retorted, unable to keep the hot tone from my voice. "So just... shut up and be happy about it."

Aaron narrowed his eyes at me, but didn't shout back.

"I didn't want you to be mad at me," he said calmly.

"Well what the fuck did you expect?" I demanded. "Look, I know it sucks only being able to see each other every other day, but if you wanted to talk about it you could have picked a better time. I came here with Luke; yes, I wanted to see you, but not so you could make me choose between you!"

"I'm not," Aaron said quickly.

"That's what it feels like. Fuck, I thought you understood... I mean, it's not exactly easy for me, either."

"I know that," he replied.

"Then why..."

"I don't know!" he blurted. "I saw the look on your face when Luke saw us and I just didn't want you to go, okay? Do you like him or something?"

Silence.

"What?" I demanded, when the question finally caught up to me.

"Do you like him?" Aaron repeated, very clearly. The question wasn't that hard to miss. Unfortunately, it was the answer I was having trouble with.

"No," I finally managed to get out, after what seemed like an eternity of Aaron glaring at me. "We're friends. We live together... I like you," I added for good measure.

This was not a conversation I'd expected to have today.

"I wouldn't blame you if you did," Aaron replied. "I mean, I've been there, I see the appeal." Yeah, so? There was appeal. It wasn't like I hadn't noticed, but that didn't mean anything. I was attracted to Luke. Who wouldn't be? "I know what he's like, Rory. He'd do anything to make his friends happy. People like him for a reason." True, true. Luke taking it upon himself to sleep on my bedroom floor that morning because he wanted to make sure I was going to be okay came to mind--and our walk last night. He was a good friend. A great friend. Maybe that's why it bothered me so much, knowing that I was doing something that made him unhappy. "He's got a lot more going for him than I do; and yeah, you live with him. He's right there, all the time." Sometimes naked. "And it's not like I don't know what everyone you're living with says about me. Lately I keep thinking that sooner or later it's going to catch up to you. How do I compete with that?"

My thoughts abruptly turned from Luke to Aaron, and once again I found myself feeling guilty over how things were with him. Just like Eddie. Maybe I'd known that I was ashamed to be seen with Aaron before, all because everyone I knew had something bad to say about him, but now I knew that Aaron was feeling it. Just like Jase. And there I was, suddenly questioning the feelings I had for Luke, while Aaron was busy trying to tell me how he was feeling. I was ashamed alright. Of myself.

I took in a breath and turned towards Aaron, knowing that I was supposed to say... something. But, I started with reaching for his hand, an act that resulted in his eyes meeting mine. He still didn't look happy. But, he did seem to relax as his fingers closed over mine.

"It's not a competition, Aaron. Listen, it's just... I have a hard enough time living in that house most of the time. I've got the rest of the summer to deal with, and I don't want to add any more..."

"Drama?" he offered.

"Yeah. I mean, I get what happened between you and Luke is in the past--but not for him. Or Jase, or Eddie, apparently. It doesn't exactly make it easy to tell them about..."

"I'm not asking you to tell them. I don't even want you to, but with Luke..."

"He already knows, I know that. I'm sorry if I make you feel like I don't want to be with you. I do, things are just... look, it doesn't matter to me what anyone says about you. And, nothing's going to catch up to me. Luke's my friend, you're... I like you. Shit, wasn't it you who wanted to leave it at, I like you and you like me? It doesn't really work if all we do is fight."

"We're not fighting now," Aaron replied, pulling my hand into his lap as he shifted closer to me, anjd I regarded him skeptically. It sure felt like we were fighting. That's what it meant if he accused me of liking another guy, right? But still, as he leaned towards me and placed a kiss over the corner of my mouth, I found myself leaning into him, more interested in the affection he was offering than continuing this conversation. Maybe whatever argument we were having was stupid, anyway. I was with Aaron. He knew that now. I stayed.

I closed my eyes, as his lips moved more efficiently over mine and fell into a familiar pattern of pressing my tongue back against his as it slid into my mouth. Kissing was good. Things were good when we were kissing. It was a good distraction from wondering why Aaron thought I was interested in Luke. I mean, did it seem obvious? No. It wouldn't. I cared about Luke, but that was because he was my friend. That's what we were, friends. It didn't matter that I liked him, anyway, because nothing would happen between us. Okay, so maybe I did like him a little bit. But, I already knew that. I'd known it since my first night there. It really didn't matter, though. We were just friends, and it would stay that way because it would be impossible to explore anything else. Not only was Luke not interested in me, it would only complicate our living arrangements. Besides, I was with Aaron, and I liked Aaron, too. I was attracted to him, and I liked kissing him; and when I wasn't frustrated as hell with him I could actually talk to him, and he could, on occasion, make me smile. I made the right decision, staying, giving him the thing he asked for.

I was with Aaron. Kissing him, and repeating that thought to myself seemed to send a small thrill through me. I really did like him. I found myself lifting a hand to cup the back of his neck, wanting to bring him closer to me. Unfortunately, when Aaron lifted his own hand to remove the ballcap from my head, obviously wanting it out of the way, his hand brushed over a sore spot on my face and I abruptly flinched away from him.

"Sorry," Aaron said quickly.

"It's alright," I replied as he sheepishly held up the hat before gently placing it in my lap, and as I stared at the thing I'd been hiding under all day, I suddenly found myself shaking my head and smiling slightly.

"What?" Aaron asked, obviously not understanding why I was so amused.

"Nothing," I replied, leaning into him as he rested his hand on my knee and I gingerly touched the bruise over my eye. At least, it was nothing I needed to say out loud. I was just wondering how a stupid baseball cap could get in his way after dating Seth Fisher.

...

There was something different about the time I spent with Aaron that day. As we sat in our own private area of the park for what felt like a few hours, he talked to me. I think it occurred to me then, that Aaron rarely ever talked to me, not since the first night I met him and we hit things off. I found myself wondering why that was. He knew just about everything that had happened to me since I'd been there, but I hardly knew anything about him--other than the things other people told me, or the few things I'd learned from just being around him. I wondered why that was. Of course, I couldn't help thinking that Aaron liked making out more than talking, but I guess it also could have been because he was usually too busy dealing with me and what I had to say to tell me anything about himself. But regardless, I found myself listening to him as he spoke to me in the park, and enjoying it.

It started out when Aaron brought up Tuesday, asking if I still wanted to get together. When I couldn't think of any reason to tell him no, he'd suggested that we could hang out at his house for a while, and then go back to the water park later if we felt like it. Of course, going back to Aaron's house had brought up concerns about Cody, who I definitely wasn't very fond off. Aaron seemed less concerned, suggesting that it wasn't a big deal, and twenty bucks would buy us privacy. That didn't sit well with me either, and I told him so. I also asked why he let the little shit get away with it, and I was surprised to discover that while Aaron would have preferred to not be blackmailed on a regular basis, he really didn't see a problem with the way his brother treated him. He figured the way he got in a good gut shot once a week pretty much made them even. I was also surprised to learn, that despite Cody's bratty attitude, they didn't mind each other all that much. Cody held Aaron's sexuality over his head, but Aaron insisted that his brother didn't really have a problem with it, as long as he wasn't watching it. His parents, Aaron explained, were a different story.

"It's not like they're seriously homophobic," he explained. "I mean, my dad has a gay supervisor at work, and he doesn't mind it because the guy's a good boss. He doesn't care that he's gay, but he wouldn't want him over for dinner, you know what I mean?"

"No," I replied, frowning. I guess I was new to this sort of thing. The way I saw it, you either liked someone, or you didn't, regardless of their sexuality.

Aaron sighed and shook his head.

"If I tell you something... I mean, I've never told anyone this before, not even Luke, and before we split, I pretty much told him everything, only this..."

I found myself leaning forward, suddenly interested. Sure, part of me understood that Aaron was asking me specifically not to repeat something to Luke, and that made me a little uncomfortable, but Luke didn't want to talk about Aaron, anyway.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, when me and Luke were younger, my parents pretty much thought we were best friends, you know? And that was it. We were neighbors, but since my parents are always working, they never really got to know you guys'... family. My mom talked to Jase every once in a while when Luke and I got in trouble--or when I got us into trouble," Aaron said sheepishly. "She knew they were cousins, and my parents sort of thought Eddie was just another family member, not... well, you know."

"Okay..."

"Anyway, I didn't tell them any differently. It made me sort of nervous, you know, and it was never an issue for Luke because he hardly talked to my parents, not even when he came over. He was pretty much just there for me. But then, about a month before that whole car thing happened, my dad sort of saw Eddie and Jase... together."

"Oh."

"He totally freaked out, said he didn't want me over there anymore. He said as long as they kept it to themselves it was no big deal, but he didn't want me in that environment, and he was pretty disgusted that they were raising Luke, you know? My mom wasn't so bad. I mentioned Luke losing his mom to her, and she sort of had a soft spot for that, so she went to talk to Jase, to see if he needed any help. She figured it was okay for them to have Luke so long as, you know, they didn't do anything around him. Little did she know what Luke and I were already doing. Anyway, when she talked to Jase, he sort of already knew about me and Luke. I guess he knew that I wasn't out to my family, but he didn't see why Luke wouldn't be. I mean, Luke wasn't out, but he didn't exactly hide it from people he was close to, and since he was over at my place all the time, so..."

"Jase outed Luke to your mom?" I asked in disbelief.

"He didn't know he was doing anything wrong," Aaron replied, shrugging. "My mom was even nice about it--to his face. But, when she came home and told my dad they both started ranting about how living with Jase and Eddie must have turned him that way, and they didn't want me over there at all anymore--and, they told me to stay away from Luke, but, it's not like I wasn't good at breaking the rules already."

"How could Luke not know this?" I asked.

"I stopped inviting him over," Aaron responded, as if it were obvious. "I mean, he started to get weird about it at first, wondering what was up, but that was also about the time I started fucking around on him so he probably wasn't as concerned with why I wasn't inviting him over--or why I never let my parents see me with him. Fuck, when that whole car thing happened, I freaked out. I got in more trouble for being with Luke than being in a stolen vehicle."

"Did you steal it?" I suddenly asked. This was a topic Aaron hardly ever let me breech before. He always promised that we could talk about it, but I'd noticed that it never actually happened.

Aaron looked away momentarily and gave a little shrug that looked guilty to me, and while I think I'd always believed that he had, I found myself disappointed. "The guy who I was screwing around with..."

"Behind Luke's back," I added, feeling annoyed, but flashed an apologetic look at him when he threw an accusing expression in my direction. I wasn't supposed to judge him.

"This guy sort of did most of the work," Aaron responded. "But, I was there, and it doesn't change what I did."

"So why don't you change what you did?" I asked. It seemed like a fair question.

"What do you mean?" Aaron asked cautiously.

"I mean, tell the truth. Go to the cops or something and tell them what really happened."

"Right, and get arrested?" Aaron asked incredulously. "Do you have any idea how much that would fuck things up for me? My parents were totally pissed I was with Luke. They think he persuaded me to go with him; if I tell them that it was me they're going to want to know why I was with the gay neighbor."

"So? He couldn't just be your friend?"

"You don't understand, Rory. That night, my parents spent hours asking me if Luke had ever touching me inappropriately, and then they started asking the same questions--only about Jase and Eddie. They even took me to a counselor who tried to convince me they did something to me."

"Are you fucking serious?" I asked, the situation suddenly becoming more frightening. Although, in the back of my mind I wondered what Aaron's parents' being crazy had to do with Aaron's ability to clear Luke's name. But, the thought passed, because I was more interested in what he was saying now.

"I mean, I convinced them that nothing happened. I bring a girl around every once in a while to keep them thinking I'm straight as an arrow. It works. But you know what sucks? I think without all that, I might have been able to tell them the truth one day. They probably wouldn't have liked it, but they wouldn't go straight to thinking a bunch of perverts made me this way. I think it's the idea of gay men having kids that freaks them out. You know, if you ever meet them I couldn't tell them you're a part of that family."

"Yeah," I agreed, while I wondered what the hell made Aaron think I'd want to meet his parents.

"How come you never told Luke any of this?" I asked, and I got another small shrug from him.

"Back then, Luke was always really sensitive; and, it's not like I wasn't enough of a jerk to him. I was also kind of embarrassed about the way my parents thought. After the car thing, it just seemed... unnecessary. My parents dropped the issue after a while, and it just seemed stupid to bring it back up."

I guess I could see that. I didn't even want to imagine Jase and Eddie's reactions if they ever found out that this had been going on. I hadn't even had any involvement and I found the whole thing disturbing. It definitely made me think twice about ever going to Aaron's house again. Hopefully he'd understand that when I worked up the nerve to tell him. I didn't see why not, it wasn't like he was very comfortable around my residence, either.

I tried asking Aaron if he'd ever consider telling Luke. It probably wouldn't fix anything, but maybe it would give Luke a better idea of what had happened. But, Aaron seemed to be through with the topic by then, and changed the subject before I could think to persuade him not to. He brought up going to the water park again, and that brought us back to remembering our first encounter there. I found myself able to laugh at it now, as Aaron explained the various looks on my face when he'd surprised me that day, and as he talked, I found myself recalling more of the feelings that I'd had afterwards, the excitement of being kissed for the first time, the nervousness, and wondering if Aaron was what I needed to learn more about people like me. Things had definitely changed since then, but what hadn't, I realized, as we spent another good half hour making out after our talk, was that I was still interested in exploring parts of this new world with Aaron.

...

Maybe it was because I'd woken up so late, but the day seemed to disappear, and before I knew it, the sun was setting and Aaron was saying that he needed to get home because he'd already skipped dinner and he should check in. He didn't argue with me when I told him that I needed to call Luke before I went home, he even brought me to the nearest payphone and helped me make out the number on my arm because some of the ink had sweated off. I hardly got past Luke's name before he cut me off and said he'd meet me at home in twenty minutes. He was definitely still pissed. I wondered if we'd talk about it when we got home, and thinking about it dampened my mood--that is, until Aaron took to kissing me again for five minutes before we left the park. I think it was his way of reassuring me that I'd made the right decision.

Dave was no longer with Luke when Aaron pulled up next to his jeep, just out of view from the house. I noticed Luke and Aaron exchange a look that I couldn't read, and it didn't make me feel comfortable in the least. Luke didn't even wait for me to get out of the car. I was there, so he continued to drive until he he'd pulled into the garage.