Chapter 12: What to feel...

A warm breeze, a watch-worthy sunset, the sound of potential friends chatting in the distance, and my hand sweating profusely against Aaron Keslin's.

I was having all sorts of issues.

The last time I checked, I hadn't decided what I wanted to do about Aaron. I liked him, sure, but maybe that fact wouldn't have been so difficult to deal with if things weren't so... complicated.

Here he was now, telling me that he didn't want to be my friend, and it wasn't in the schoolyard, we're-not-friends-anymore-so-there! kind of way. I wasn't really sure how to respond to it, so I didn't. I just sat there, holding his hand and getting a little more nervous about it every second.

I didn't know why I was getting so worked up over it. It wasn't like Aaron didn't have a habit of making me nervous. And this time he wasn't even kissing me--or walking around in underwear I could see through. He was just holding my hand, for christsake! And I liked it.

Maybe that was the problem.

It was kind of nice, just sitting with him like that. Peaceful. Relaxing, too, as his thumb began to brush over my fingers. Of course, the lack of tension probably had to do with the fact that we weren't arguing. Actually, it occurred to me that Aaron and I seemed to get along better when neither us us were talking at all. Maybe that wasn't necessarily a good thing.

"What are you doing here?" I finally asked, if anything because the silence was managing to kill me, and becoming more awkward by the second. Aaron's thumb paused briefly over my knuckles, but continued its soft stroking as he replied.

"Seth said he was going to be here, but I haven't seen him; saw you instead."

I didn't like that answer. I didn't like the mention of Seth. I didn't like that Aaron was there to see Seth. I really didn't like that Seth was with Angela, who seemed way too nice to be hanging around someone like him.

"He's here," I responded coldly. "You never said that the girl he was with was Angela."

"Huh?"

I sighed, and shook my head. It was probably pointless to bring up Angela. Aaron wouldn't have any idea what I was talking about, and even if I explained it to him, something told me that he wouldn't be very sympathetic towards Dave, anyway.

"He's here with her?" Aaron suddenly asked, and when I looked at him, it was to find that he seemed somewhat surprised by this information.

"Yeah, I saw Angela with Seth a while ago... Why?"

"No reason," Aaron said, shrugging. "He just didn't mention he'd be with her."

"So, he was supposed to meet you here?" I asked curiously; but I think it came out more like an accusation than anything, and because of that, I found Aaron smirking at me.

"Isn't it a little early to be jealous?" he remarked. "You haven't even agreed to go out with me yet."

Feeling annoyed, I instinctively tried to pull my hand away, but this time he held it tighter, refusing to let me.

"I'm not jealous," I mumbled. "I just... I sort of can't stand him."

And that was the truth. Actually, I think it was a little more fair to say that I despised him. First, he warned me off of Aaron and then he took off with Dave's crush. There seemed to be a few contradictions here. I wasn't amused when Aaron simply laughed about it.

"Seth's my friend," he said, shrugging as if that settled it. I guess maybe it did. It wasn't like I could choose Aaron's friends for him, after all. I could always tell him everything that Seth said, but when he suddenly lifted my hand and I watched his mouth brush over my thumb... I wasn't sure that I wanted to. Seth obviously meant something to him, and I didn't want to risk Aaron thinking that I was lying about his friend.

Aaron's teeth suddenly closed around the tip of my thumb, but I think it was the hazy look he was regarding me with from under his lashes that snapped me back to reality, and pulled my hand back to my lap as I faced forward, trying to calm the sudden heat taking over my face. I heard Aaron sigh beside me, but it was far from contented.

"So is this the part where you walk away from me and say you need more time to think?" he asked, sounding irritated.

"No. I just... I don't... I mean..." Oh, for crying out loud, he was sucking on my finger in a public park. I was allowed to be a little unnerved. Seriously, weren't we just fighting this morning? And the day before? And then again before that? I had no idea what to do about this, or the feelings that I was developing for him. And there were feelings. Beyond attraction, there was something else. Maybe it was just curiosity. I wasn't sure. Aaron had a knack for making things feel confusing. Like he did when he suddenly grabbed my hand and stood up.

"Come on," he insisted.

"Huh?"

"Come on," he repeated, this time smiling, and giving my hand a tug. "If you're not going to walk away from me then I'm going to count my blessings. Let's go."

"Go where?" I asked cautiously, even as I stood up with him.

"Somewhere a little more... quiet."

"Aaron, I'm here with Luke, and I don't think..." He was making me nervous. I wasn't going to deny that. It was getting dark, and considering I'd gone to the park with Luke I didn't think it would be a very good idea to go off anywhere with Aaron, especially if Luke decided that he wanted to go and came looking for me.

"Well, you're here with me now," he replied. I couldn't help noticing that there was a certain amount of finality in those words. I wasn't sure what to make of that. All I knew, was that I suddenly felt like a little kid who was being bossed around by an older friend. I didn't much care for it, but at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to object because the way Aaron was looking at me almost seemed challenging, like he was daring me to go with him, and as a result, I became quite determined over the next few moments.

"Fine," I said irritably. "But we're not going far."

"Don't worry about it," he replied, obviously satisfied. "I just figured we could go for a little walk. Maybe I can even convince you to go out with me."

I rolled my eyes at his smirk and pulled my hand away from his, but when he started walking, I did follow.

"What exactly do you mean by that?" I found myself asking as he slowed and I stepped into pace beside him.

"Mean by what?"

"Go out with you,"

"Haven't we already been over this?"

"You mean... like a date?"

I didn't know anything about dating. As far as I was aware, dating meant different things to different people, and I was curious to know Aaron's definition of it.

"Yeah, you know, that thing people do when they want to spend some time alone together... getting to know each other." He actually had the nerve to roll his eyes at me as he said this. "I was thinking, like, a movie or something. Or we could go hang out somewhere. It doesn't really matter."

"Aren't we doing that now?" I asked, before I could think better of it, and the look Aaron flashed me put me on edge as I realized exactly what I'd just implied.

This was not a date. It was two people meeting by coincidence, at a park. Sure, he'd held my hand, and we'd been-there-done-that with the whole kissing thing, but this was not a date.

"That's not what I meant," I said to answer the sly smile that was aimed in my direction. "Shit... Aaron, I don't even know what I'm doing with you," I admitted. "I don't even know what you're doing with me. I mean, doesn't it feel like we don't even like each other most of the time?"

This was honesty at its best for me. If we were going to go walking off alone together, then I figured that it was time to address a few things, especially if he was talking about dating. Because honestly, I was reaching the point where I couldn't stand the confusion around him anymore. I wanted clarity. I wanted to know exactly how we felt about each other, and if it wasn't too much trouble, I wanted to know why. Because for all intents and purposes, it seemed to me that Aaron and I shouldn't even be friends half the time.

"I can see why you'd say that," he admitted, looking a little glum about it.

"So what are we doing?" I demanded. "I mean, why are you even here, if..."

"I like you," he said quietly, glancing over at me. "You get on my nerves sometimes..."

"It feels like all the time..."

"But I don't care," he insisted. "You're obnoxious, and..."

"You're obnoxious," I instantly retorted.

"But I think it's kind of cute," he finished. "And you make me laugh. I don't know... the night we met I sort of thought we hit it off, and ever since then... I've just wanted to know more about you? It's not that strange, is it? And you like me."

"You don't know that," I said almost defensively.

"Yes I do," he replied, with a self-satisfied smile attached to his face. "You wouldn't be here right now if you didn't." I frowned at the truth in that, and then watched as he suddenly turned serious. "So, I know this gets old; but, how do you feel? I know you like me, but it's like you don't want to--is it because you know I was with Luke?"

"That does make it a little weird," I admitted.

"Too weird?" he asked, cautiously reaching out and taking my hand. He ended up with the tips of my fingers, and after looking around to see that there was no longer anyone near us, I didn't pull away. "I mean, when you kiss me..."

"When you kiss me," I instantly corrected him.

"I get the feeling you like it; but, if Luke's in your head, then no offense, but I'm really not interested in that. I mean, I understand why it would be weird. You live with him, but it's not like he still has feelings for me, so..."

"I feel guilty," I suddenly blurted. "I mean, at first it was because it was like I was fraternizing with the enemy, but now it's like I'm going behind my friend's back to hang out with his ex-boyfriend. It gets too fucking complicated. I mean... something has to be wrong if I can't even be seen with you, right?"

Aaron frowned at that, and I felt another moment of guilt. Unfortunately, what I was saying was true: I really was ashamed to be seen with him. Especially around the family that I was supposed to be getting to know, and that just made matters worse. Logically, I knew that if I was smart--if Aaron was smart--we would just stay away from each other. I think the fact that he hadn't come to the same conclusion yet played a part in why I wasn't bringing it up. Maybe I didn't want him to come to the same conclusion.

"Hey," he suddenly said, turning to face me. "You know what, maybe that doesn't matter."

"What?"

How could it not matter? If I was in his position, hearing that I didn't feel comfortable even being seen with him, I'd be walking away right now.

"You said earlier that it had nothing to do with Luke," he pointed out. "So, let's leave Luke out of it. How do you feel about me?"

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I didn't respond to that. It seemed to me that I still had a lot of thinking to do before I came to any reasonable conclusion about how I felt about Aaron. He, however, didn't seem to think it was as complicated as I did, the way he was suddenly inching forward in a way that caused me to forget how to move my feet. I wanted to move away. Maybe. I definitely wanted to think on things some more. But, when he lifted his hands to my waist, his thumbs brushing against my sides, I found myself nervously staring at his chest as I wondered why I had to freeze up every time he touched me. Maybe it was just because it was new to me. Apart from Aaron, my experience with guys was pretty much non-existent. I was curious, and his persistence made me feel... wanted. That seemed to be a rarity for me these days, and maybe that's why I lifted my head when he dipped his down, making it very simple for him to place his lips neatly over mine.

This kiss seemed so far away from our first one. Perhaps that had something to do with the lack of sloppiness. I wasn't sure. All I knew was that when I felt his tongue pressing against my lips and I, if anything, hesitantly parted them and his tongue slipped in almost aggressively, deeper than I remembered it happening before, it sent a fluttering sensation all the way down my throat to my stomach and I found myself almost comfortably responding to the intrusion. He didn't take it away, either. He didn't pull back as he had the night before, when he announced he was going to the bathroom and left me alone with Seth. Instead, he pressed closer and I felt one of his hands move to my lower back, almost as it were there to prevent me from pulling away, something I decided I had no intention of doing when I felt the fingers of his other hand, lightly moving against my neck in a way that sent a chill through me. It was a pleasant feeling that had me moving even closer to him, his hand becoming firm against my back until our hips seemed locked together and I could actually feel the zipper of his jean shorts against my groin. That contact bought me back to a moment of nervousness, but when he actually managed to deepen the kiss more than it already was, I found myself forgetting all about it, relaxing as my own hands somehow found their way to the sides of his untucked shirt; and I gripped it, as if it would provide some sort of balance for my suddenly weak knees.

When I did pull back it had mostly to do with the necessity for air, but there was a slight sense of panic, too, as I faced Aaron and wondered what the hell I was doing. But, the panic faded a moment later when his mouth was roughly over mine again.

I closed my eyes and suddenly felt like I was falling, like a weight from above was forcing me down. I was on my knees before I realized that his hand was on my shoulder, pushing me down. He was right there with me, though, his knees in the grass and his arm tightly around my waist, holding me to him. But, the sudden change in direction seemed to set off alarms for me and I found myself pulling back again, trying to make out his facial features as it grew even darker.

"Aaron, what are you..."

And he hushed me. I can't believe he hushed me. What was even more surprising, was that I let him get away with it, but that could have had something to do with the way that his mouth suddenly seemed to attach itself to my neck and I found my sensitive skin crushed between his lips, sending another sensation through me, one that I found particularly appealing as my eyes rolled back and I clutched his shoulders, pulling him even closer. I guess I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter what he was doing, especially if I was enjoying it. Certain body parts definitely were, and when his teeth managed to make its way to my ear--my very sensitive ear--it seemed to send a jolt all the way down to my cock, which was steadily rising and I inadvertently pressed my waist forward, discovering that I could feel a warm bulge within his jeans; and the thought of Aaron being excited only added to the fogginess that my brain was currently experiencing.

Arizona was definitely full of surprises. When I got on that airplane, scared out of my mind, I never would have imagined most of the things that had already happened, let alone making out with another guy in a public park, or allowing him to push me down until I was flat on my back--or encouraging it by pulling him down with me.

His mouth was over mine again, but this time it was my tongue moving through his parted lips, seeking out the warm feeling of his, and when I heard a small moan after he managed to lodge a knee between my legs, pressing against my groin, it took me a full minute to realize it came from me as my hands slipped under his shirt to explore a flat stomach, the actions causing him to lean even further into me.

This still wasn't a date. I doubted I'd put out like this on a first date. Unfortunately, I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that I liked feeling like Aaron and I were the only lifeforms currently in existence. I liked his weight against me, and the way his mouth felt over mine. I liked the new feelings currently swarming through my body, and I didn't even mind the way that the grass was making me itchy everywhere that I wasn't covered in clothing. In fact, a mental image of Aaron climbing out of the pool earlier that day made me wonder if we were wearing too much clothing at the moment.

I felt his hand move to my chest and moved one of my own over it, feeling content as he stretched his fingers so they could tangle with mine. Somewhere in the background, I was suddenly aware of an insistent ringing, which I didn't give a damn about until Aaron was suddenly moving off of me, leaving me to sit up in the process in order to keep up with his lips. It was when he placed a hand on my shoulder and I found him staring at my pocket that I realized the ringing was coming from me.

"Oh," I said, feeling somewhat disgruntled as I lifted the newly acquired cell out of my pocket and answered it. I tried not to sound as out of breath as I felt, figuring it was Eddie, testing out our new line of contact that made him feel more comfortable. But, it wasn't Eddie's voice on the other end of the line, it was Luke's.

"Rory? Where are you?"

"How did you get this number?" I asked, feeling perplexed, and he laughed at the tone in my voice.

"Eddie made sure I had it before we left. Good thing, too. We've been looking for you for about twenty minutes... just remembered I had the number. Hey, we're taking off. I've got Dave with me. Can you meet us at the car?"

I looked at Aaron, who suddenly looked a little glum. He probably knew what was being asked on the other end of the line, and suddenly, I felt awkward about leaving now. It wasn't like a whole lot of talking had been done. We certainly hadn't come to any conclusion over where we stood.

"Yeah, give me five minutes," I decided.

"Sure, where are..."

I hung up before Luke could finish his question. No way was I going to explain where I was to him.

"You have to go," Aaron said as he watched me for a moment, backing up, but leaving his hand on my knee as if he wanted the contact to remain.

"Yeah, um... listen..."

"Forget it," he replied, frowning. And then he casually added, "Nice running into you."

I frowned at the cold note in his voice. Granted, I probably wouldn't like it if he ran off on me at a time like this, either.

"Aaron, I have to..."

"I get it," he responded shortly, looking past me, rather than meeting my eyes.

"Maybe we can talk tomorrow," I suggested. "I'm the only one home all day."

His frown seemed to fade at that announcement. I guess he hadn't been expecting an invitation to meet again.

"You want me to come over?" he asked, regarding me curiously.

"I don't know... if you want," I said, shrugging. I certainly wasn't going to beg him. But, I think I felt relieved when he smiled and leaned forward to kiss me again, even if it did nothing to calm the growing erection in my shorts. I kissed him back, too, but that didn't mean that I knew what to think about any of this when I stood up to walk away, although, I did manage to return Aaron's smile when he caught me adjusting myself before I started walking.

"I'll see you later," I heard him call after me, and when I looked back it was to find that he was still sitting in the grass, his back to me. I suddenly felt like I should be saying something more, or doing something more. It wasn't every day I walked away from someone trying to avoid the way my hard-on was pressing out against my boxers. But, I had no idea what to say, or what to do, so I left it with the opening I'd given him to come over tomorrow. There was a certain amount of anticipation in wondering whether or not he would, but either way, the encounter I was walking away from had left me feeling... light. I mean... I think I was still smiling.

But, whatever I was feeling turned to abrupt upset when I looked ahead of me and saw a figure standing there in the darkness, one slowly moving towards me. The baseball hat was almost enough to make me want to scream.

What the fuck was Seth doing there? Seriously? Seeing him there nearly had me panicking, wondering if he'd been watching me and Aaron. Pervert. Creepy pervert. I mean, the fact that he was there just struck me as... creepy. The fact that it looked like he was on his way to see Aaron didn't make me feel any better, and for a moment I thought about turning back right here. What the fuck was he doing there? I don't know if I was feeling more unnerved, or pissed off about this. I think my only consolation was the way that Seth seemed to duck his head when I openly glared at him, stopping in my tracks as he reached me. I think I half expected him to say something to me again. In fact, I hoped that he would. I was feeling a lot less insecure than I'd been the other night at his house, and he didn't own the fucking park, damn it. But, he didn't say anything to me. In fact, he didn't even look at me, although, he didn't alter his course, either, and he came so close that his shoulder actually rubbed against mine. Stupid fuck.

I don't know where this aggression was coming from. I think it was the simple matter of Seth's existence that provoked it, though. There was just something that I didn't like about him, and there was nothing to be confused about on that matter. I did not like him.

...

I didn't have to worry about my shorts being tented when I reached Luke's jeep. In fact, by then I was completely turned off, wondering about Seth's mysterious appearance. Creepy. Definitely creepy. And wasn't he supposed to be with Angela? Where did she go? And how did he know where to find Aaron? It was obvious that Seth was on his way to talk to Aaron. The only reasonable conclusion I could come to for that question was that Seth had seen us walk off together. That bothered the hell out of me. It also bothered the hell out of me that the two of them were probably together right now, and I had no idea what was going on.

"What happened to you?" Luke asked as I reached the vehicle, where he was standing outside of the passenger door with Dave. It didn't help when Luke reached up and brushed some dry grass from my shoulder.

"Um... just walking around," I replied. I didn't like lying to him. Not even about Aaron. After all, he'd told me that he wanted to stay out of it, and that I could make my own decisions. One would think that meant he'd want me to be honest with him, but with Dave standing right there, I wasn't exactly in the mood to confess.

"Hey Rory..." Dave said. "Um... look, I wanted to say sorry about yesterday. If I said anything to upset you..."

"Forget about it," I insisted. "I just... I'd rather forget about it."

"Okay," he replied. "But um... there's sort of more. When Luke told me you were gay I was sort of a little surprised... I might have mentioned it to a few people."

Dave looked entirely guilty, and my stomach seemed to become unsettled at this news.

"It was just Rick and Brian," Luke chimed in, looking at me nervously. "They really don't care, Rory."

"It's okay," I decided, thinking back to what Aaron had said. Maybe I really was lucky... and, a few people knowing really didn't seem like the end of the world. "I kind of want to forget about that, too."

I got a smile from both of them, and Luke tapped my shoulder as he started walking around the jeep to the driver's side.

"Well," he said, "we're going to meet Brian and Rick, grab something to eat, maybe. You want to come, right?"

"Of course he does," Dave said, grinning at me before I could respond. "I've got a broken heart, need all the moral support I can get."

He made a fake sniffing sound and I couldn't help smiling as I got into the back seat, leaving the front to Dave and his broken heart.