Chapter 3: Between Two Lovers (part 2)

Jonathan spent the rest of the day, and into the evening working in the basement. He only went upstairs when needed.

It was after the children went to bed, that Susan slowly, pensively walked down the steps, seeking him as he meandered through rooms cluttered with building material, still planning his work for the next days.

For moments that seemed like hours, they stood staring at each other. She wanted to speak, to be the first of them to open up and again try to explain, but in her thoughts, her hopes, she still wanted him to ask her that one simple question, "Why?" She still hoped that he would want to try and understand.

Breaking from contemplating his wife, Jonathan looked around the party room, at the expanse of wallboard, lumber, tools and fixtures haphazardly strewn around on the floor. His thoughts wandered out to the new pickup parked out front of the garage, "You were right Susan. I let myself go. But, I... my biggest mistake was trusting you with my future, my happiness."

With a deep sigh, he dropped his head, "No, maybe it wasn't trust, maybe it was just laziness. I don't know right now." Raising his head up, his eyes cold and glaring into hers, "But, one thing I do know. That has end."

Waving his right hand around to then point an index finger at his chest, "If all this has taught me anything, it's that from now on, I'm looking out for number one first."

Holding up two fingers close to her face he glared slowly anger building within him, "Right now I've only got two interests, and neither one of them is you. The first is me. The other is the children."

Susan's grimaced slightly and pulled back at his words and the fingers he waved so closely in front of her.

Letting his hand fall and turning from her, the image of her entwined with her lover masochistically dragging his thoughts down into deep dark places in his mind, he dropped his shoulders in pain. "Right now, nothing else matters," he sighed more to himself than to her.

Attempting to shake the thoughts of her with her lover, her screaming out in a passion that he had never seen her have, he raised his head, "What you did to me the other night, and what you have been doing to me, is unforgivable. Maybe I am responsible in part for what happened, but that doesn't change the wrong that you've done."

Turning back to her, his eyes now hard and bitter, "No matter what, you had no right to do me so wrong."

Susan stood there, not saying a word, her head bent down, her eyes to the floor. Neither he, nor if anyone else had been there, could read her emotions. She was waiting, letting him have his say. Letting him roll through the emotions controlling him. Nothing she could, or could want to say, would at that moment, be heard or understood by him. She knew instinctively, now was the time to remain silent. This was his moment, his time to vent. Maybe afterwards, after his anger had flared and burnt out, maybe then they could talk peacefully, constructively. She promised herself, not again to make the mistakes she had made that fateful evening.

Turning and pacing back and forth in front of her, he began ticking off those thoughts that had been in his mind the last few days, and the actions he had started, and planned.

"You know you told me a lot of bull shit about divorce. If your para-legal lover was as smart as you think he is, he should have known better." She shrank back shocked for a moment at his angry glare and his knowledge of her lover, not knowing what, how or how much he knew.

"You would suffer just as much, or more, and not only that, I could get your boy toy into a lot of hot water if those were my intentions." The smirk on Jonathan's face was quite evident.

Letting her stew about how much he knew, he continued, "Those aren't my intentions though. At least, I care about the children."

He stopped his pacing again, and again for a moment glaring at her, before continuing on. "I'm not going to let you and him control my life or my life with my children."

Pointing his index finger to the ground, "I'm staying right here, like it or not."

"Next point," without stopping his stride, and not looking towards Susan for a reaction, "You decided, without asking me or discussing with me, to change the rules of our marriage. You decided, all on your own, that you no longer needed our joint approval or consent to act outside of this, our marriage."

Stopping his pacing for a moment to glare at her then continued pacing, "Okay, I know you'll say that I don't own your body, and what you do with it is your concern. Well, guess what, I say the same. Not only that, I don't feel I have any need to discuss with you what my plans for my future are. You lost that right. Right now, our joint future is the children, nothing more. I could give a rat's ass what you do with your lover, because you aren't mine anymore."

Susan was shocked at the force of his venom and his last words. So shocked that she involuntarily gasped and croaked, "Jonathan! Please don't tell me you love me so little that this has changed you, us, so much! I love you. Please this doesn't have to be this way." She had not wanted to speak. She knew she shouldn't have.

"Love?" stopping mid-stride and pondering, "Love?" Turning to her with his face contorted in pain, "Do you know how close love and hate are to each other?"

Breaking down inside, his hands shaking, his legs no longer able to support him, he sat down on the stack of wallboard where a few short hours before he had sat happily laughing with his children. Fighting back tears from his eyes, he dropped his head, hiding his face from her; "I love you now more than ever, maybe even more than before. But, at the same time, I hate your guts. I hate you more than I have hated anything in my whole life."