Chapter 20: Early Friday Morning

I kind of half-woke when Dan rolled over. I kept myself back out of his way as he wriggled and turned. I waited until he finally settled, lying on his back. Then I wrapped my arm back around him and moved my head so it was resting on his chest. I snuggled back in close beside him and sighed contentedly. Half asleep, I vaguely thought that I understood why Dan wore so little clothing to bed. He was putting off heat like a furnace. It was like sleeping with a large man-shaped hot-water bottle – but much nicer.

In the thick, warm, fuzzy place that was my half asleep brain, I became aware that a gentle hand was stroking my hair. Long smooth strokes that started at the top of my head and went down around the back of my head, then down my spine. It felt really nice. All my brain could manage to say was, “Mmmmm!”

“Hey little one,” Dan whispered in the darkness. “Watcha doin?”

“Sleeping!” My voice sounded small and soft.

There was a pause, then another whisper. “Why aren’t you in your bed?”

“Here is better,” I whispered.

Another pause, “Why is my bed better than yours?”

“I don’t know. Because you’re here? I couldn’t sleep. Not in my bed anyway.”

“Ahh!” The gentle hand was now moving slowly up and down my upper arm and shoulder. It made me feel so safe, so loved, so comfortable. I still hovered in that half-asleep place where everything happens through a thick, warm fog. The conversation, having to make its way through the fog, seemed to happen in slow motion.

“I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised,” said Dan quietly.

“Why?”

“You were very clingy all evening.”

“Huh?”

“All evening you were either sitting on my lap, or holding onto me. Anytime we were separated for more than a minute or so, you would reach out and touch me, as if you wanted to check I was still there. It seemed like you were checking that I was real and not some illusion. I don’t think you were aware that you were doing it.”

“Oh!” I hadn’t known I was doing that. “I didn’t know!”

“I told Mum about it while you were having your shower. She said you were the same with her this afternoon.”

“I was? Oh!” I was starting to get embarrassed. This made me sound so pathetic. I pulled some of my hair around so it covered my face – hiding my shame from the darkness.

“It’s okay. You had a pretty upsetting time over the last couple of days. I expect doing something like that is fairly normal. I don’t know how you survived school though.”

I tried to remember how I’d felt at school. It seemed such a long time ago. “Liz was with me for some of the time. I don’t know. I guess I got through it.”

“Then when you saw Danielle’s scar on her wrist, you went from a bit clingy to doing a damn good imitation of a barnacle. I was worried how I was going to be able to drive home with you fastened onto me like that.”

I smiled into the darkness. A barnacle? I guess so.

“But by the time we got to the car, you were shut down. You closed off into yourself. No more little touches on my arm. I kind of missed them.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. I couldn’t explain why I was like that.

I moved my hand onto his stomach, where I found the little line of hairs that marched up the middle to the base of his chest. My fingers stirred the hairs around, delighting in the feel of the short hairs against the smoothness of his skin.

“I was a bit worried about you. I’d figured out by then that you needed to be touching me, but you stopped. I couldn’t think what to do, so I talked. I figured if you wouldn’t hold onto my arm, maybe you’d hold onto my voice.” He sighed softly in the darkness. “I hope I did the right thing.”

I rolled my face down, until my lips came into contact with his chest. Then I gave him three little kisses on his chest.

“You did,” I whispered. “You did the perfect thing. Thank you, Dan. Thank you so much. I didn’t know what was going on, but you talking like that was important to me. It helped to be hearing your voice. I love you Dan.”

“I love you too, little one.”

I lay there, my head on his chest, my hand resting on his stomach. I could feel the gentle rise and fall as he breathed. The fog was gone from my head. My brain skittered back and forth as it tried to deal with what Dan had said.

“I’m sorry I was like that, Dan. I didn’t want to be your annoying little sister. I wanted to be like ... I wanted to be an interesting person you could have a nice date with.”

He didn’t answer.

“Dan? Are you awake?”

“You weren’t annoying. Believe me, I would’ve told you if you’d gotten annoying.”

I believed him – mainly because he’d told me exactly that a few times in the past.

“There’s something else I’m sorry about too. I’m sorry you didn’t get to do sex at the end of it, like you would have if it was a normal date.”

He reacted to that. I felt his whole body tense up. His big hands lifted my head up and turned my face towards his. I could see his eyes peering at me out of the dark.

“Dates don’t have to end with sex. Who told you that? Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to have sex when you go on a date. It’s horny boys who say things like that. Some boys will say anything to get into a girl’s pants. Don’t believe them for a second.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...” I pulled myself free from his grip and hid my face on his chest, holding onto him with both hands. “I’m sorry.”

Sometimes I say the stupidest things.

Now Dan was mad at me.

I pulled the blankets over my head so he couldn’t see me and cried softly into his chest.

Dan plucked at the blankets, trying to lift them off my head, but I clung on tighter. He reached under me and grabbed me under the armpits. Then he hauled me up so I slid up his body until my nose was bumping against his. Because I’d been clinging onto the blankets, they slid up with me. Now we were both completely enclosed under the blankets. It was pitch black under there. I couldn’t see his eyes, even though they must have been only inches from my own. I felt a firm set of lips press against mine for a moment, and then they were gone. I was so surprised, I forgot to cry. I lowered my head and returned the kiss, then slid my cheek down beside his.

Maybe he wasn’t so mad at me after all.

It quickly got very hot under there.

Dan tugged on the blankets until they were down to our shoulders and we could both breathe again. I was lying face down on his chest and stomach, my cheek rested against his and I could feel his breath rushing across my ear. Dan’s arms wrapped around my lower back and squeezed me into him. It felt like my whole body was being gently lifted and lowered as he breathed. It was like I was a little baby, being rocked in a cradle.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered.

I felt a soft kiss on the skin just next to my ear.

“But you do sex with most of the girls you have dates with.”

He sighed softly into my ear. “That’s different. It’s ‘cause I play football. I think those girls just like to do it with footballer players.”

I remembered Pearl saying that there was a rumor that he was pretty good in bed and figured that might have a lot to do with it too.

“I guess it does happen a lot for me. I try to remember not to expect it to happen every time, but it’s hard.”

A different way of understanding that last sentence ran through my head and I giggled to myself. Dan reached one hand down under the blankets and gently smacked my bum. “Don’t be naughty.”

That only made me giggle more.

After a bit, I stopped giggling and sighed as I nestled into Dan. I was lying right on top of the furnace and it was making me feel very warm and toasty all up and down my front.

“Speaking of it being hard, how did your experiment go?”

“What experiment?”

“Tonight you looked at pictures of girls with little boobs.”

“How did you... ? Never mind. I really must put a password on my computer.”

“The redhead looked really cute. You know? The one with green eyes and freckles?”

Dan didn’t say anything. I felt a little nudge against my leg, just above my knee. That was strange. Dan’s hands were wrapped around my back.

“Was she sexy enough for you, Dan? Did you like looking at her? She was all naked and touching herself and stuff. Did she make your ... oh!”

I’d felt another small movement down against my leg, and I’d suddenly made the connection. Dan’s thing was getting hard. Me talking about the redhead was making him get an erection. I could feel my eyes getting big in the darkness. Every piece of my attention was focused on my leg as I felt another small movement. I wished I wasn’t wearing my flannel pyjamas – I’d be able to feel it so much better if it was up against my skin. I wished it wasn’t so dark – I wanted to see it. I wished it was getting hard for me...

“Maybe you should get off me.”

“No!” I clung to him but he pushed me to one side so my body slid down beside him. I wanted to cry out when the movement took me away from that interesting sensation. I pouted in the darkness, but then I stopped myself from doing that. I just sighed and snuggled into his side again. I’d ended up lying with my head on his pillow. His arm underneath me then wrapped around me, holding me tightly to him.

“I guess that answers my question, anyway.”

“Yes,” he said softly. “I liked looking at the redhead.”

“I liked Cindi.”

“Who?”

“Cindi. She was young. She looked a lot like me but with lighter hair. I liked her.”

“Oh!” He was quiet for a moment. “You should get some sleep, you have school in the morning – and so do I.”

“I love you, Dan.”

“I love you too, Bec. Now go to sleep.”

There was silence for a while. Then a thought occurred to me.

“Dan?” The only answer I got was his breathing.

Damn. I wanted to ask him about those condom things that went inside a girl’s vagina.

I wanted to ask why he wasn’t wearing any underwear.

I wanted to ask...

I think I must have gone to sleep before I got to the end of my list.

It’s the nicest thing in the world, to wake up in the morning holding someone and being held. I was toasty-warm and sooo relaxed. I would have loved to keep lying there for hours. The only problem was a mouthful of hair. That wasn’t too hard to deal with. While I was doing that I noticed a little puddle of drool on Dan’s arm, just where my head was – how embarrassing! I used the edge of the sheet to dry Dan’s arm, then snuggled back into the side of his chest.

I couldn’t see a clock so I had no idea what time it was. From the light coming through the curtains, I figured it must be nearly time to get up and get ready for school so I wanted to enjoy the relaxed snuggle as long as I could. Dan was obviously still sleeping, he hadn’t moved a muscle while I’d been wriggling around. I relaxed into stillness and closed my eyes, trying to reclaim that nice, soft, sleeping place.

I decided I liked Dan’s smell. My nose was pressed right up against him and every time I breathed in, the air was scented with his essence. If I could capture that scent and put it in a bottle, I could keep it with me for always! “Essence of Dan!”

I lay there, suspended in time and space. I don’t know how long I lay there – maybe ten minutes or maybe half an hour. All I know is, it felt like the most wonderful place to be. Somewhere in the distance, I could feel the start of a need to use the bathroom soon. I decided to ignore that for as long as I could and enjoy the moment.

I could hear movement in the house. A fast thudding as Angie raced down the hallway. The kettle whistled in the kitchen. A toilet flushed. I could hear Mum’s voice sharp and questioning, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying. A rapid knocking on what must have been Tara’s door, followed by Mum’s voice again.

Dan’s alarm sounded and he jerked and mumbled, then reached over the top of me to turn it off. That’s why I couldn’t see a clock, it was behind me. Dan slumped back onto his back and I moved my head so it was resting once more on his chest. My hand gently explored the firm contours of his stomach.

There was a sharp rap on Dan’s door, then it opened. Mum’s head poked through. Her eyes narrowed when she saw me in bed with Dan. She yelled “I found her” down the hallway, then came up to my side of the bed. I didn’t move.

I couldn’t read Mum’s expression. I wasn’t sure if she was angry with me or not. I figured that she’d been worried when I wasn’t in my room and was relieved when she found me, but something else was wrong and I couldn’t sort out what it was.

Not knowing what else to do, I lay there with my head on Dan’s chest and watched her walk up to me. She reached out and pulled the blankets down off my shoulders and then down some more so that my pyjama clad back was exposed to the cold. Then she stopped and pulled the blankets back up, tucking them around my shoulders with a little pat.

Then Mum smiled and sat down on the edge of the bed beside me. She leant over and kissed my cheek, then sat upright again.

“Good morning, Sunshine. Did you sleep well?”

Now she was relaxed and smiling, I couldn’t figure out what had changed. A bit of my brain started trying to solve that puzzle while the rest of me talked to Mum.

“Yes, Mum. I had a good sleep. It was really nice. Dan kept me warm and cozy.”

Dad appeared in the doorway, then Angie appeared and clung onto his leg.

Mum chuckled at me, “Didn’t you know? You’re not supposed to go to bed with a guy after your first date. It’s a rule.”