Chapter 5

Unlike the modern Army of today, the eighties Army ran on a vast sea of paper rather than computers, and the main form of communication was the DF or Distribution Form. Those that came from division and brigade were mandates from a deity higher than God Almighty, while the ones from battalion or squadron were from a lesser God, and those at company and platoon level were merely from the Parrish priest.

Any pertinent information, policies, news, etc. came down on a DF, and eventually made its way into the bulletin boards that we were required to read at least weekly. Every member of the company, from the Captain down to the lowliest private was supposed to follow this standing order, but in reality as I proved, this wasn't the case.

During one particularly boring night of CQ duty, an evil idea was conceived, born and grew rapidly into a nightmare for the company clerk and first sergeant. It continued to grow through the final two years before I rotated back to the states, encompassing the battalion and eventually brigade commander. Had I access to the bulletin boards there, who knows where it might have ended. As it was, it created at fury of confusion, irate officers, perplexed sergeants and delighted privates.

It began rather innocently, I'd found a typewriter unsecured and decided to write a letter home, in searching for paper I came across a stack of blank DFs. After dispatching a long letter to my parents back stateside, I had rolled a DF into the typewriter and sat staring long and hard, my mind numb with the kind of boredom that you can only know at 3am on a Sunday morning.

I started down the hall to the coke machine and passed the bulletin board on the way, and was struck as if with the impact of a main gun round. I read the DFs posted there, the topics ranging from PT formations, to maintenance procedures, to of all things, how socks were to be displayed in room inspections. One DF that stood out in my mind was concerning the armored vehicles in the motor pool, showing the proper way to layout the Velcro strips on the sides of our vehicles, to be used for mounting our MILES equipment. For those of you not in the know, MILES stood for Multi Integrated Laser Engagement System, in short, the father of the game Laser Tag. Each vehicle had the "hook" portion of Velcro glued to the side of the vehicle running the length of a M113 Armored Personnel Beater, and in random places on the tanks and trucks. The equipment itself had the "loop" portion, which you pressed onto the vehicle prior to war games, and usually lost half of before the end of the exercises; and which I might add, required many DFs to explain.

Back to the Evil Idea!

Had anyone seen me typing a few minutes later would have thought that I was stoned, drunk, or crazy and perhaps all three. I was laughing so hard I had trouble seeing the keys; my hands shook as I typed.

I created a signature block as near to the Brigade Commander's as possible without leaving my self open to forgery charges should someone discover me, signed it and put it into the bulletin board. Now to see how long it took to be discovered.

From: Commander, 1st Bde. 3rd Armor Div.

To: ALL Commanders

Effective Immediately all Velcro will be removed from the sides of tactical vehicles in your units. It will be placed upon vehicles only upon deployment to field training maneuvers and removed immediately upon return to garrison.

This measure is being taken due to the high incident of Black and other non Caucasian soldier being dragged to their death after bumping their heads against the Velcro and becoming entrapped.

It has been determined that the hair of such individuals is so closely similar to the Velcro attached to the MILES equipment that they can become inescapably attached to the vehicles.

Commanders are further required to establish a training session for Black and other non Caucasian soldiers in steps to extract themselves should they be caught by their hair.

Further, all Black and Non Caucasian soldiers will be required to have their hair shorn to a length not to exceed 3/16th of one inch.