Chapter 4

Reluctantly Becca agreed to her parent's request and returned home for Christmas Break. As soon as she walked in the door, they could tell their daughter was tremendously distraught. In their sincere desire to help, they were able to convince Becca to finally open up and share her and Darren's problems as she saw them.

Over the next few days, they spent several hours, discussing, questioning, and observing their daughter, her behavior, and analyzing her answers. In the end, their final conclusion and recommendation was that Becca and Darren probably should separate for awhile to clear their heads and get a grasp of their true feelings.

Becca's mom and dad felt it would give the young couple some much needed breathing room to see if they could recapture what they previously had. Considering how the last eight months had torn at the fabric of her and Darren's relationship, Becca was melancholy. But unfortunately, she had to agree with them.

She recalled, 'Darren kept warning me the summer and fall quarters were going to be brutal, I just didn't realize how much. But did he really have to spend over seventy hours a week between classes, library, and study groups.

'I tried to figure out little ways we could be together. Like meeting him at the Library with dinner, or joining him there to do my studies.' She remembered fondly how much they had poured into each other for the five weeks between summer and fall classes. She really felt they had turned a corner.

His comment to her the morning after the blow up in the apartment with Gwen had set her heart aflame. She woke up on his bed with him wrapped around her after falling asleep in front of his bedroom door. It was stupid but she was distraught and did not know what else to do. She had asked him, "How did I end up in bed with you?"

He had sheepishly replied, "I got up to use the bathroom and found you on the floor. No matter how mad I was, I care too much to allow you to suffer like that. So I picked you up, put you in bed and snuggled up with you."

Becca realized that was as close as he had ever come to saying he loved her. Of course she hadn't come out and told him how she felt either.

She had promised herself she wouldn't say that to anyone until she was sure. Especially after telling that to one guy in high school, then quickly realizing she didn't love him shortly after they broke up.

Her relationship with Darren was so confusing, when her mom asked if she loved him, she wouldn't say "yes" but she also couldn't say "no."

The last semester had reset the stage and taken its toll. The constant strain proved to be too much, causing the little nit-picking fights about the stupidest things to start all over again.

Her mother had always told her, "Be sure to pick your fights wisely, too much goodwill is wasted fighting over nothing." Did she heed the life long advice... of course not? Now she wondered, 'Why didn't I listen to her?'

Becca had learned one thing about the stunt she pulled when she went out that Friday night. She now understood why Darren was so upset, finally realizing she would have been too if he had done something similar to her.

The next two times she went out dancing with the work group, it was discussed with Darren several days beforehand. She also called him as soon as they returned to Gwen's house afterwards.

Both times after she had been drinking, Hayden tried to get her to play. But she was ready and forcefully told him loud and clear, "Stay away from me."

Becca made it very clear she was in a relationship and didn't need his stupid macho games. Although indignant, he had backed off.

He turned his attention to playing one of the younger girls in the office. Her name was Gabby short for Gabriele. She always seemed to be one step off of the bimbo bubble.

'But' Becca reminded herself, 'Even though I was true to my guy, I didn't support him fully either. I wonder if I am even capable of having a mature relationship.'

When Becca returned to campus she quickly packed her things and moved into her dorm room. She left a letter and a check covering her half of the expenses for the remainder of the school year so Darren wouldn't have to worry about giving up the apartment.

Before she closed the door, she stared wistfully one last time at her door key left on the kitchen table. As she drove away, she couldn't help but cry and didn't stop for two days. Separating from Darren was one of the most emotionally painful things she had ever done, it was going to be a long two months.

Darren came back to school psyched up. He had spent Christmas vacation thinking through the last few months. 'Boy have I been a dumbass, my sole focus has been on school. Looking back now, I realize I could have split the time with Becca and still done well in school. I hope she will let me make it up to her.'

Expecting her to be there he yelled out as he entered the apartment, "Becca baby, where are... ?" He began to tremble when he saw her house key on the kitchen table. His fingers lost their grip as his suitcase effortlessly slipped to the floor as he ambled towards her room. Just as he feared, everything was gone.

While fighting back tears, he proceeded to unload his car, trying to keep himself busy. Once he had finished unpacking and putting his stuff away, he closed and locked the front door. After removing his coat and gloves he sat at the table, took in a deep breath, then let out a long slow sigh, as he picked up the key.

Glancing around the room, his eyes settled on the envelope taped to the white board with his name written in Becca's gently flowing script. Afraid to take it down, even more afraid to read its contents, he sat just staring at it.

He just knew in his heart that she was out of his life forever. This wasn't what he wanted. It might be deserved, but it wasn't what he wanted.

For some stupid reason as he hung his head, the lyrics to an old song came to mind.

"'Cause I need you more than I needed before
And now where I'll find comfort, God knows
'Cause you left me just when I needed you most
Left me just when I needed you most."

He couldn't stop thinking about all the things he wanted... needed... should've... said to her. Staring out the kitchen window at the gathering darkness he realized his mind was going thru mental shook, but it didn't help, none of his thoughts at the moment were all that coherent.

With the daylight all but gone, he walked over and turned on the hood light over the stove. Then with no previous intention, he found himself standing in front of the board, just staring at it again. With a sigh of resignation, he reached out and jerked the envelope down.

After picking up a knife from the counter, he threw a leg over one of the kitchen chairs. Darren just stood listlessly looking at the envelope in his hand as he straddled the seat. With a deep breath, he finally plopped down.

Darren sat tenderly tracing the edge of the envelope as if it somehow were part of Becca. Realizing he was only delaying the inevitable by fictitiously hoping the contents would somehow miraculously soften, he took the knife and ran it underneath the flap, opening the envelope. He knew it had to be bad, if it was good, she would be there instead of the letter.

While pulling out the contents, a check for a goodly amount of money came sliding out from inside the letter. Now his curiosity overcame his fears, he opened the letter the rest of the way and began to read.

Darren,

Please believe me and understand, as difficult as this is for you to read, it's been just as painful for me to write. My heart is so torn. I wish I had the wisdom to make our relationship better, but I don't.

The past two semesters have been so difficult for us, I know you needed to get through them with your best possible effort. Believe it or not I am so very proud of how well you did.

But I am not as focused on school as you. I wanted, no needed, more attention than you were able to provide. I'm sorry but I am selfish when it comes to the guy I am attached to.