Chapter 4B

When we got back to the house, it wasn't difficult to figure out that the girls knew what had happened. You could tell from the way that they kept staring at Annie that they were dying to get her somewhere they could question her. Every look they shot me was filled with speculation and ill hidden curiosity. I had a feeling that as soon as the girls got one of us alone, the inquisition would start.

I didn't stay much longer that afternoon. I said my goodbyes after making arrangements to pick the girls up next weekend. It worked well that it was Anne's week with the girls. I needed a chance to think things through, before I faced the pressure I was sure they would exert for Anne and I to get back together.

Maybe Annie had been telling me the truth when she said that she wasn't going to pressure me but I wasn't about to expect the same consideration from my girls.

I didn't get much work done that week. No matter what I decided, my life was about to change again. The difference this time was that I was the one calling the shots. I needed to figure out what the best course of action would be for me.

Naturally, I talked with Laura to get her thoughts and advice. What was unusual was that my normally loquacious twin was reticent in telling me her mind. Oh, she listened to what I had to say and was willing to be my sounding board, but she flat out refused to give me the advice I sought.

"Junior, the only piece of advice you need is something you already know. You've been spouting it for months," Laura stated with a grin. "You'd be well advised to do what Anne suggested. Think about everything Anne has told you. Not only her explanation, but also everything she has said over the past few months. You need to make up your own mind about what to do, and do it for the right reasons.

"Just promise me that whatever you decide, it's based on what you want, not what other people expect or want. Do what's best for Bill. Don't let anybody or anything make up your mind for you."

"Anything? What are you talking about?" I interrupted.

Laura shook her finger at me in a mock scold. "Think about it. You're going to have Sarah, Lacey, Anne, your former in-laws and god knows who else telling you that you should forgive Anne. On the other hand Joe and some of your other friends are going to be telling you not to do it. Chances are, everyone is going to push your buttons to get you see things their way.

"On top of all that, don't forget your stubbornness and your hurt ego. I know you better than you know yourself. I know how hard it is for you to let go of a grudge, at times. Anne hurt you when she walked out, but that can't be the only thing you think about. You need to decide whether it's possible to get past that. Don't let your injured pride take control. Look at everything.

"Thing is, the only person who can tell you if it's the right thing to do is the one living inside your skin. If you are not happy and committed to the decision, it's going to get real ugly, real fast. So, take Anne's advice. You know what is entailed and the pluses and minuses with Annie. Think it through, and make your decision for the right reasons. For once in your life, think about yourself first."

With that piece of advice, Laura shut up and refused to say more. I guess there really is a first time for everything.

By week's end, I was still nowhere near a decision. I had stayed away from Anne that week, forgoing our now customary family dinner on Wednesday. It wasn't that I was angry, or that I hated her, I just didn't want to see her until my mind had cleared.

I'm not normally indecisive, but this was a big decision.

My feelings towards Annie were complicated. I could tell I still loved her, if only by how much her story hurt. Spider Robinson once opined that the opposite of hate was not love, but like. The true opposite of love is apathy. If I had lost my love for Annie, then her story would not have bothered me. I simply wouldn't have cared, anymore. Because I still loved Annie, she had the power to hurt me. And, if I was honest, I still had the power to hurt her.

The question I needed to answer was whether I could get over my anger and hurt, and whether I could get over her rejection of me. After four plus years apart, it wasn't the affair that bothered me as much as it was what it led to, her decision to leave. I was bothered by her decision to give up and not fight for what we had once had.

That was the cause of my dilemma.

Did I want to give Anne another chance to hurt me? More importantly, could I trust her enough not to abuse that power?

I'm not saying that the thought of Anne having sex with Johnson or any other guy thrilled me, but that was over four years ago. If we did get back together, I instinctively realized that we would have to treat it as if we were starting over, in a new relationship. If we tried to pick up from where we had ended, or tried to hang on to jealousy over the people we had slept with during our time apart, it would doom any new relationship before it began.

As for Johnson, I wasn't about to forget about the affair. Annie wouldn't forget either. We both needed to remember, in order to avoid similar situations in the future. I wanted us to remember the affair, and all the mistakes that made it possible.

I didn't think forgiveness was an issue either. It was no longer necessary. Anne and I had been apart for over four years. The longer I thought about it, the more I realized that Annie had already paid the full price for her failings.

I was also concerned about the potential consequences of a failed reconciliation. Annie and I had redeveloped a friendship that was getting quite comfortable. It allowed us the ability to do things together with the girls, with some semblance of being a family unit. I seriously doubted that any type of friendship would survive, if we tried and failed to reconstruct our marriage.

It was the age-old dilemma.

Did I want to risk what we already had, on the substantial risk that we could successfully get back together?

By the end of the week, I had reached some conclusions.

I wasn't going to avoid Annie.

At the very least, I wanted her back in my life as a friend. As for starting anew, my concerns remained. I was willing to try for more, as long as we took it 'slow and steady'. I didn't know how long it would take, but we could only build a new relationship, if we took it step by step.

Anne had suggested as a solution, that I give her as much of a relationship as I could offer her. She was right, but that only addressed part of the issue. We needed to find a comfort level we could both enjoy.

That Sunday, Anne attempted to avoid me when she brought the girls over. When she drove up, I had a feeling of déjà vu. It reminded me of the first few months after the divorce.

Anne didn't get out of the car, or make any move to come in. If anything, she did everything she could to minimize her presence as the girls got out of the car and ran into the house.

I could see her watching me as I stood on the steps, but she kept her distance.

I made 'the first step', by going out to her car and asking her in for dinner. She looked at me in surprise, but quickly accepted. A look of anxious anticipation crossed her face as she realized that she was soon to learn my decision.

I was expecting the third degree from Sarah & Lacey, but it never materialized. They gave me a quick hug and departed to the family room to watch TV. To say I was surprised would be an understatement, but I shrugged and walked with Anne into the den. I wanted to talk to her first, but I also wanted to talk to the girls too. My decision would affect all of us and I wanted them to realize this.

My conversation with Annie didn't take long. I just wanted her to understand what I was going through. I told her about my fears and my desire to take it slow. She was touched by my reluctance to risk what we had already developed but had a little difficulty understanding my concern.

"Annie, we have to remember that neither of us are the same persons we were four years ago. We've both had a lot of experiences, both good and bad, that have changed us. I learned my lesson with Jean. I don't want to jump into anything.

Anne flushed at my reminder of my aborted relationship. It was a good reminder to me, that she had issues to deal with, too.

"See," I continued, gesturing at her reaction. "It's not just me. This isn't just a case of my getting past your affair. You've got to come to grips with what I've done since the divorce, too. I've changed in ways that you may not know. There's no going back to where we were. If we get back together again, it's going to be a fresh start. Neither of us can expect the same old, same old.

"For example, let's talk about sex," I said. I wanted to try to shock her a little bit. "If and when we do get back to a sexual relationship, there are some new things I'd like to try with you. I've tried a lot of new things since the divorce, and I'm hoping we can do them together."

Anne blushed. Our sex life together had been active, but it had never been that daring. Oral sex had been mostly foreplay, and anal play was a non-starter. We had mostly relied on a few standard positions we knew we both enjoyed. Annie and I had made love as a method of getting close to one another. We had enjoyed our lengthy cuddles, as much as actual sex.

Since the divorce, I had broadened my sexual horizons. If I did get back together with Annie, I planned on exploring her horizons as well. I always wanted a chance to explore her fantasies. Just as long as they didn't involve 'swapping', or another guy.