Chapter 4A

Finally as the New Year began, my discussions with Annie finally lead to closure on the divorce. One Sunday, I had come over for lunch and was planning to stay awhile. Sarah had a friend over to work on a school project, while Lacey had a ton of homework to finish. After a while, Annie asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. We walked to the park down the street and set off on a stroll around the pond. After a few minutes, Annie glanced over to me with a rueful smile.

"Bill, is it too late to tell you I'm sorry? I just wanted you to know that I will always regret the hash that I made of our marriage and our lives."

We walked in silence for a few minutes as I digested her admission. This was the first time since the divorce she had admitted her fault or given me an opening to discuss its causes. Finally, I looked over to her and gave vent to the question I had been dying to ask since the divorce.

"All I want to know, Annie, is why. What was it about our marriage that caused you to have an affair and leave me the way that you did? Why?"

Annie laughed bitterly. "That's a question I've thought about ever since it happened. Why did I screw up the best thing that ever happened to me? Can you just accept the idea that I was a stupid fool? That I failed my midlife crisis?"

I simply shook my head no as Annie sighed and nodded her reluctant acceptance of my decision. She gestured for us to stop at a bench and she sat down facing me with her leg curled up on the bench. She took a moment to compose her self and went on with a grimace.

"I didn't think I would get off easy. I only hope that you won't hate me when I finish. The short answer to your question is that there wasn't any one single reason why I did it. It was a whole bunch of things: Jealousy, insecurity, fear, guilt, petulance, pride, the stress and anger caused by the overtime we were both putting in, doubt over whether you still found me attractive, and my own stupid vanity. You could make a case that any of those factors was the cause, and probably half a dozen other things as well."

Anne looked over to me gloomily. "You don't know how many nights I've tossed and turned thinking about this. Trying to figure it out, myself. All I can tell you is that there is no easy answer. My affair with Alan didn't just happen overnight. I didn't wake up one morning and think 'I know, I'll start an affair today.' The affair was the result of things that happened over a long time and a mindset that that had been building up for years. There wasn't anything you could have done to stop it because it resulted from shit that was festering inside me, until I exploded."

"I don't understand. What was bothering you?" I asked bewildered.

"Let's start with my insecurity." She started with a self-depreciating smirk. "Did you ever wonder why I was so jealous of Heather? I was scared to death of her. When the two of you started to spend so much time together I was petrified that you would fall in love with her and leave me."

"But..." I spluttered. "That's ridiculous. I must have told you a hundred times that there was nothing going on between us. I even told you why I wasn't interested in her. Why didn't you believe me? Did I ever give you any reason to think that I wanted anyone but you?"

"I'm not saying my fear was reasonable," Annie said with a sad smile, "but it existed nonetheless.

"Look, I can't tell you how many hours that I spent thinking about the last few years of our marriage. It started even before we were divorced. I was desperate to find something, anything to shift some of the blame to you." Anne hung her head and shame and continued in a whisper, "It wasn't there. I couldn't find one single instance where you did anything to give me any real reason to suspect you.

"It wasn't until it was too late that I realized that it was in my head. The problem was my jealousy, not your behavior. I can see that now, but at the time, I just got caught up in everything that was happening. I let my doubts and insecurities show me things that weren't there."

I was still confused. I had known Annie was jealous of Heather. There was no way to hide it. I had even thought that I knew the cause. That was one reason I had gone out of my way, at least at first, to reassure Annie. On numerous occasions, I had talked about how I had no clue what Heather was talking about, when we stopped talking about business. I had assumed that Annie got my message.

I was positive that at least once or twice Annie and I had talked about how foolish one of my friends acted and looked when chasing after about someone half his age. Why would she continue to think that I would subject myself to the ridicule? Then with a guilty flush, I thought about my recent flirtation with Amber. Maybe my high horse wasn't as big as I had thought.

Anne ignored my momentary distraction and went on with her story.

"The thing that really got me going with Heather was how it matched what I was hearing at the club. I may have told you about some of the rumors I heard in the locker room, but I only passed on a small part of what I heard. Every week I'd hear gossip about who was getting divorced and why. I can't tell you how many horror stories I heard about cheating husbands, or about which wife was getting dropped for some sweet young thing. Even worse, a lot of times the other woman was some young chippy the husband met at the office. It was one of the main topics of conversation."

Annie buried her head in her hands for a moment before going on with a wan smile. "I promised myself that I wouldn't make excuses for my action, but when I got upset about your hiring Heather, I listened to the wrong people.

"Right after I met Heather for the first time, I made the mistake of telling some of the girls about your new personal assistant who just happened to be young and beautiful. Before I knew it, the vultures started to gather around, telling me to keep my eyes on you. Warning me to take care of myself because I might be the next one getting dumped."

I opened my mouth to object flabbergasted that she would listen to crap like this, but she held up her hand to stop me.

"I didn't believe them at first; I didn't want to believe them. I told them that you would never cheat on me, but you don't understand how insidious that type of comment can be. I had half a dozen bitter women telling me to watch it. That I'd better start thinking it was possible, before it was too late. Every one of them told me that they never thought their husbands would cheat either, until the day that they found out, or were served with divorce papers."

Anne looked at me earnestly. "Bill, I hate to admit it, but eventually those stories started to make me doubt you. They never let it rest. At least once or twice a month, I'd have someone asking me about you. They would dissect your behavior, questioning every time you were late or had to go out of town."

Anne gave a bitter grin. "I can see now that those stories fed every insecurity that I had about Heather. It didn't happen right away, but I finally started to listen to the theories, and to think that there might be some truth in what I was being told.

"Once I started to doubt you, things seemed to snowball. I hated myself for it, but I started to get more suspicious of your behavior, particularly since you seemed to be spending more and more time at work, and less time at home. I started to question everything you were doing. Every time you left for a trip with Heather or worked late, my doubts had me imagining the two of you screwing in some hotel room. My paranoia started making me see things that weren't there.

"I know that I gave you hell over Heather. That was my fear talking. I was so jealous of her that I couldn't stand it. I wanted you to get rid of her, to prove to me that you loved me. But I knew that you wouldn't do it, so I didn't even bother asking you. Instead, I just gave you hell. Then you made it worse when you stopped mentioning her to me."

"The only reason I stopped talking about her was to keep us from fighting." I exploded. "Every time I mentioned her name, you would go off on a rampage."

I caught my breath and went on in a strangled tone. "If it was bothering you so much, why didn't you just tell me what you were feeling? God damn it, Annie, why didn't you talk to me!"

Annie shook her head sadly. "What was I going to say? That I suspected you of having an affair, because your assistant was too cute and you were busy at work? It wouldn't have done any good. Even if you had denied doing anything wrong, I don't think I would have believed you.

"Just look at why you stopped talking about Heather. I'm sure you told me the truth, you were trying to avoid fights; but at the time, I only saw it as another sign you were trying to hide something. All the girls told me that was a classic indicator that you and Heather were cheating on me."

Anne snorted in self-derision.

"Bill, I let my fears paint you into a corner. It didn't matter what you did or what you said. Someone was going to find fault with it. Those so-called friends of mine had no interest in proving you were innocent. Because of their own train wrecks, they all assumed you were guilty, and I let them persuade me!"

I shook my head angrily. "I still can't believe you didn't talk to me about this, Annie. Why didn't you come to me with your worries? Why didn't you give us a chance to work through this?"

Anne hung her head in shame. "I know, I know. It was stupid. I should have tried, but damn it, it's hard to explain. In the beginning, there was nothing to tell you because I tried to ignore the comments, and didn't believe what was being said. I didn't think about the subliminal effect. I didn't realize that the comments were getting to me.

"Even when I started to get suspicious, I was ashamed to say anything. I was afraid of getting into an argument over nothing, and looking foolish.

"After that, when I was sure that something was going on between you and Heather, it was too late to say anything. I was afraid of what I might find out. As long as I could keep it to just a strong suspicion, I could pretend everything was okay.

"So I bit my tongue and tried not to accuse you every time you called to tell me that you would be late, or that you had to run out to a job site at the last minute. It killed me that Heather was spending more time with you than I was. Heather was always by your side.

"That's the real reason I didn't talk to you. I was afraid that if I came out and told you what I suspected, it would all come true."

I sat there stunned at Anne's admission. While I had spent my own hours reviewing the last few years of our marriage, the depths of her insecurities were a revelation. It's an eye-opener to find out that you totally misread a situation.

Any lawyer or cop will tell you that no two people will see a situation the same way. Witnesses view a scene through the filter of their own prejudices and experiences. And if emotions get involved, the blinders are slammed down even harder.

I had marginalized the cause of our fighting. I had assumed that Anne and I had the same reasons for our stress: overwork and lack of time together. I hadn't looked for additional reasons. As for Heather, while I recognized Anne's jealousy, it had baffled me, somewhat. I had tried to ignore the problem, in the hopes that it would go away.

Anne's story helped me to understand why our marriage had been strained the last few years, but that was only part of the story.

"That explains a lot, Annie, thank you," I started, "but; it doesn't cover everything. You still haven't given me any reason why you decided to have an affair."

Anne nodded reluctantly. "I just wanted to explain the background. Show you where things started to go wrong."

I nodded and Anne continued. "Even though I was afraid to talk to you, I needed to do something. I started to get some advice from the women at the club that had been dumped. Some of it made sense. Since I couldn't control your behavior if you wanted to cheat, I had to watch out for myself instead. I had to prepare myself just in case you did dump me for Heather.

"One of the first things I did was to start to volunteer for some extra overtime at the office. I wanted to build up some extra goodwill with my bosses, just in case. Besides, it might help control you, too. If you had to come home to be with the girls, it prevented you from being with Heather.

"Another thing I did was spend some extra time at the gym. I figured that would help no matter what ended up happening. Either you would notice me and stop spending time with Heather or I needed to be attractive to get someone else after you dumped me." Anne glared at me. "I lost twenty pounds, and was in the best shape I had been in since Sarah was born, and you never mentioned it to me."

It was my turn to be embarrassed.

"I'm sorry Annie. I did notice, honest. You're right, I should have said something. I should have told you how proud I was of you, and how good you looked. But with the way I couldn't keep my hands off you when we were together, I figured you knew."

Anne smiled and nodded her head at my apology before continuing with her story.

"The final change I made is the one that bothers me the most, because I think it's the biggest reason why I was able to cheat on you."

Anne took a deep breath and went on in a miserable tone.

"I got to the point where I was convinced that you were cheating on me and that it was only a matter of time before you left me. I was convinced that you were lying to my face and just going through the motions of loving me. I decided that two could play that game. To keep myself from getting hurt, I started to draw away from you emotionally. I tried to shut you out of my heart."

With this confession, Annie burst out into tears, lurched to her feet and stumbled blindly down the path away from me.

I didn't move to follow her right away. I still was trying to process the things that Annie had told me. I had no doubts that Annie was trying to be honest with me. She wasn't minimizing her role in the divorce, nor was she trying to blame others for her own shortcomings. Besides, there was something about her story that just felt right. It certainly explained a lot of the tension that I had felt around the house during the final year of our marriage.

Although I could be as emotionally dense as any man, I had noticed the growing tension and lack of intimacy between Annie and me before our split. At the time, I had written it off as an offshoot of the extra hours that we were putting in. Later, I presumed it was a result of Annie's affair. While those reasons might have been true, Annie's confession of emotional withdrawal cleared up a lot of my questions.

I got up from the bench and followed after Annie. I found her a short way down the path standing and staring out at the pond, trying to fight back her tears. I grabbed her hand and led her over to a bench. I didn't have any tissues to give her, but I did try to blot her eyes with the arm of my sweater. She smiled at the gesture, and made a noticeable effort to pull herself back together.

"Where was I?" She thought for a moment and went on tremulously. "Everything started coming to a head about year before we separated. I had let myself get so angry with you for all the things I imagined you were doing, that I managed to start shutting my feelings for you down. At the same time, I was looking better than I had in years, and I started to attract attention from some of the guys at work.

"That's where my vanity and my self doubts kicked in. Even though you were paying more attention to me when we were together, I thought it was just guilt on your part. You didn't care about me any more. My self-image was at an all time low. The attention I was getting from those other guys was what I needed. It was just like a breath of fresh air."

Anne looked at me intently. "I'm not proud of it, but I want to be honest. With the way I was feeling about myself, I needed those looks and that flirting, to help me feel good. I was convinced that you didn't want me anymore and it was just a matter of time before you left me for Heather or some other younger woman. I needed that attention to convince me that I was still attractive.

"I'm not saying that I started to flirt with every guy I met. I just stopped sending out the 'unavailable' signals. I stopped brushing the guys off totally, started encouraging them, at least up to a point. Before I knew it, the guys at work started to treat me differently. It was like I put up a green flag. I was getting hit on more than ever before. Even the guys that wouldn't give me the time of day, before, started to pay attention to me.

"Even then, I don't know if I would have ever gotten any further than flirting except for Alan. Alan wasn't like the other guys. He pushed every limit I set. I'd tell him no, and he kept coming back for more. He kept on asking me to have lunch with him, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. I think he could tell that I was vulnerable, if he just kept after me long enough."

Anne sighed bitterly. "I'm not going to lie to you, Bill. I'm not going to say it was all Alan's fault. I could have pushed him away if I'd tried hard enough, but I liked the attention he was giving me. I was very attracted to Alan. He was charming, good looking, and seductive as hell. He pulled out all the stops to seduce me, and I fell for him.

'The first time we got together was about four months before we got caught. It was when I went to Charlotte for that seminar. Alan was there to meet with a prospective client, and he called me the last day he was in town, and asked me to go out to dinner with him. I agreed because I was feeling lonely, and I thought it would be nice to talk to a friendly face. Then you and I got into an argument over the phone, when I told you about it."

I nodded thoughtfully. I remembered that phone call. When she had mentioned that she was having dinner with Johnson, I had gotten my neck all out of joint. I didn't like the idea of her having dinner with someone else, it sounded like she was going out on a date with him. Anne had fought back with some bitter comments about my being a hypocrite because Heather and I would often have dinner together when we were at a site. I had tried to tell her it was different, but she wouldn't listen. She had finally told me in no uncertain terms that she was going to dinner with Johnson, and had made some comment before she hung up about 'What's good for the goose is good for the gander' but I hadn't read too much into it. I just thought it was her dislike for Heather.

Anne looked at me and continued tensely. "I see you remember the conversation, too. I was so mad with you when I got off that phone. I thought you were a sanctimonious hypocrite, trying to stop me from doing something you did all the time."

"But it was different." I interrupted insistently. "There's a huge difference between colleagues having dinner on a trip and your meeting another guy purely for social reasons. Sure, I ate out with Heather a lot on our trips; but most of the time it was as part of a group, or with a client. The few occasions when it was just the two of us, it was a working dinner, to review plans for the next day. I never gave you a tough time when you did business lunches or dinners. That's a big difference from your going out on a date with Alan Johnson when you are out of town!"

Anne nodded morosely. "I can see that now, but at the time, I wouldn't even listen to you. All I could think is why I can't I go out with Alan if you are going out with that slut. There wasn't any way you could have convinced me there was a difference. Our argument was just another thing wrong with our marriage. I was bound and determined to go, just to spite you. I was going to show you that two could play the game.

"When I met Alan at the restaurant, he must have caught my mood because he started to ask me all sorts of questions about what was wrong. He finally got me to admit that you and I had had a fight, and before I knew it, I had told him everything. All my fears about you having an affair, my doubts." Anne smiled bitterly. "I guess you could say that I gave him everything he needed to seduce me."

Anne hung her head in shame.

"I hate to admit it, but there's a lot of truth to idea that I started my affair with Alan to get revenge on you. I was so upset over what I thought you were doing, that it made me receptive to him."

Anne looked at me with sad determination. "But I can't blame everything on Alan. He just gave me the opportunity. I accepted it. He never forced me or made me do anything that I didn't want to do. He didn't entrap me into sleeping with him, and it never would have happened if I hadn't been petty enough to try to pay you back.

"Alan's a salesman. What he was selling to me was the once in a lifetime opportunity to be his lover." Anne gave a sardonic snort. "I fell for his pitch. He pushed me over the edge. He punched every button he could find to get into my bed that night. He didn't point out the weak spots in my fears; he amplified them. He didn't attack you, but he expressed just enough doubt to show that he thought that I was right. He encouraged every idea I had about getting even with you.

"The whole time he was doing this, he was working on my vanity too. Telling me how attractive I was and how he wanted to get to know me better." She grimaced. "He was a subtle as a sledgehammer but in the mood that I was in, it did the trick. By the time we finished the second bottle of wine, I didn't want to resist him anymore. He walked me back to my room, and I didn't really put up much of a resistance when he started to kiss me. From there, it wasn't long until we were out of our clothes and having sex.

"After he left, I felt terrible. Whatever petty satisfaction I might have gotten from getting back at you was destroyed when I realized what I had done. I was the worst type of hypocrite. I get all upset because I think you are cheating on me. Instead of dealing with you, I do the exact thing I blamed you for. Even if you were cheating on me that didn't give me the right to cheat, too. For the last day of the seminar my mood ranged from guilt, to self loathing, to an incredible fear that you would somehow find out and kick me out.

Anne looked at me miserably. "I was in turmoil when I started to think about the possible consequences. Hiding from the situation was no longer an option. Whether you had cheated or not, I now had inescapable proof that there was a big problem in our marriage. I had cheated. Now I was the guilty party.

"I made all sorts of promises to myself before I got home. I'd never cheat on you again. I'd talk to you and maybe suggest counseling. I'd make it up to you somehow. I'd do anything to get our marriage back on track. I tried; I really tried to live up to those promises. But Alan didn't go away. Now that he had gotten to me once, he kept on pushing my buttons."

Anne sighed. It was obvious that she didn't feel comfortable telling me about her affair with Alan. I couldn't blame her. I had no desire to tell her about my time with Jean, either, and that was after our marriage was over. I tried to keep my emotions in check as I waited for her to go on.

"At home, I was getting discouraged." Anne snorted in self-disgust. "I don't know why I thought that all our problems would disappear over night, but... nothing seemed to have changed. If anything, you seemed more distant than ever. We were both still working long hours and you weren't responding to the messages that I was trying to send about trying to fix things. I know it sounds terrible, but I was blaming you, because the wall that I had built between us wasn't coming down as fast as I expected.

I interrupted accusingly. "In case you never figured it out, I was still pissed at you over that dinner. You come back from Charlotte and for the first time in months your behavior is different. You told me everything about that trip except the one thing I wanted to talk about: why it bothered me for you to go out on a dinner date with someone else. Now I guess I know why you didn't want to talk about it."

Anne blanched at my comment. "Oh shit." She muttered softly as she stared into my eyes. "I was doing the same thing I blamed you for. I was trying to avoid talking about Alan and that dinner because I was afraid you would be able to tell what had happened. No wonder you were so cold towards me, you probably could tell that I was hiding something."

I stared at her for a minute before responding.

"It was obvious that you didn't want to talk about it, but I didn't even suspect you of cheating on me. I didn't think you would do that to me. I just figured that you knew I was still angry, and that you were trying to make me forget about it by playing nice. It pissed me off, because I thought you were manipulating me. I figured that if I gave you the cold shoulder long enough you'd get pissed and we could have it out."

Anne nodded the distress evident in her face.

"Instead, I took as a sign you didn't care. I thought I was trying to do everything to make it up to you, and I was rubbing it in your face. God, did I screw up!

"The worst part is, when you didn't respond the way I wanted to, I started to give up. I gave in to the pressure Alan was putting on me. After Charlotte, Alan wanted a full-blown affair. He was doing his best to sweep me off my feet. He kept on telling me that he had fallen in love with me and that he wanted us to be together. It took him about a month, but he finally got to me again.

"One afternoon he was in the office when you called to tell me that you had to work late again. The girls were at a sleep over, and I was hoping that you and I could have some time together. Alan saw my disappointment and my anger and he took a shot. He commiserated with me and offered to buy me a drink so I didn't have 'to spend another night alone waiting for you to decide to show up.'"

Anne looked at me with a guiltily pained expression.

"I don't have any excuse, Bill. When I accepted his offer, I knew what he was looking for. What's worse, I knew that I was most likely going to give it to him. There is no way to justify what I did that day. I knew exactly what I was doing.

"In my mind, that's the real day that our marriage ended." Anne gave a humorless laugh. "No, let's be honest. That was the day I killed our marriage. Even if you never found out about my cheating, I couldn't forget. I might have been able to justify or explain away Charlotte as an aberration, but when I went back a second time; there was no getting around it. How could I expect you to forgive me when I couldn't forgive myself? As I drove home, I knew our marriage was over."

Anne teared up and sat there for a moment softly sniffling. I just sat there in pained silence. I had thought that the hurt and anguish from my divorce was safely walled away, but Anne's confession had ripped through the scabs like they weren't even there.

Just before the tension grew too much to bear, Anne looked up at me sadly. "I'm not going to try to tell you that I always loved you. How can I make you believe that when it's hard for me to believe? There is no way that I can tell you that I loved you when I think of what I did, when I was seeing Alan two or three times a week over the last few months of our marriage.

"But I hope you can believe this. As strange as it may seem, the reason I pushed you away so much while I was having the affair, was because I did still care about you. I found it too hard to look you in the eye when I was betraying you with Alan. The only way I could deal with my guilt was by avoiding you as much as possible. Every time you looked at me or touched me, it reminded me that I was lying to you."

Anne brayed a sardonic laugh.

"Maybe if I hadn't cared about you, it would have been possible for me to live a double life until my affair was over. Who knows what would have happened? Maybe we could have kept a shell of our marriage together, while I kept on running around behind your back, and we kept on drifting apart. Maybe we would have stayed together until the kids were grown, and then we'd go our separate ways."

The pain was obvious on Anne's face as she continued.

"I couldn't do that to you, or to me, if only because of all of the good times we'd shared before I got us into this mess. I didn't want to end up in that type of worthless marriage.

"It's ironic. One of the reasons this whole mess started was because I suspected that you were just going through the motions and pretending to love me. Now, because of the affair, I was doing the exact thing I blamed you for. I was the one living a lie, and it was tearing me apart. I knew our marriage was over; I just didn't have the courage to take the next step. I was trying to figure out the best way of ending it, without hurting the girls.

I snorted in disbelief. It was easy for Anne to tell me that she was hurting during her affair, but all I remembered was the cold shoulder, and the strain.

I couldn't stop the caustic comment that I blurted out.