“Do you believe in angels Jim?”. I was sitting in the garden of a public house soaking up the Sun with General Philip Warpinton. I knew the Wiltshire ale was strong but I also knew that the man could usually hold his drink. “Do you mean the kind with halos and wings? Not anatomically possible” I replied, not sure where this conversation was going. I knew the General was a bit down because his investigation into D’s assignation [JIMP#14] had been squashed. “I’ve seen many strange things in my career Jim. Done things I’ve regretted. Sometimes we meddle in things that we should leave well alone, because once Pandora’s box is open the things inside can never be put back”.

He must have noticed my expression because with a deep sigh he said, “Well that’s enough about my problems. How are things in the exciting life of a private eye?”. I explained that things were far from exciting. That I had been spending day after day in a frustrating search through Bristlingdown’s library & numerous bookshelves for some ancient code table that might not even exist [JIMP#17]. I had already gone through Lord Gerald’s personal effects with Sir Humphrey and trawled through old family photographs hoping for a picture of the man holding or wearing some sort of ancient device but had found nothing. I was beginning to think that whatever it was had been lost or stolen years ago without the family knowing.

Feeling a bit heady from the local brew, I decided I had better not drive home but check into a local motel for the night. It had been a long drive down but I appreciated the break. Settling into my room, I switched on the TV and flicked through the four terrestrial channels (there was no cable or satellite). It wasn’t much of a choice: - a gloomy soap opera about life up North; a depressing soap opera about East End London; a inane reality TV show and some boring re-run of an ancient 1960’s light entertainment show.

Wondering why I paid so much TV tax for the state-run channels, I decided to leave it on the re-run as background noise. After enduring about 5 minutes of pure drivel masquerading as ‘comedy’, I was about to switch off and go down to a local store to find a book to read when Aimi comes on. I’d forgotten that she used to be on this. I used to think she was quite hot when I watched the re-runs when I was younger. She was so central to the show; I always wondered why they hadn’t named the show after her.

****** Transcript of sketch 113 - full dress rehearsal *****

Eddy and Benny stand on a bare stage apart from an old fashioned stove with a coal bucket. Both are conservatively dressed in black suits, fully buttoned white shirts with plain black ties and highly polished black shoes. Their hair is cut in a ‘short back and sides’. They are dressed perfectly for the Black & White broadcast. Both men are in their late 50’s and cast from the old music hall tradition from which the National station drew its entertainers. Eddy is 6’4”, rake-thin with gaunt features. His hair is thinning and predominately grey. He plays the smart straight man. By contrast Benny is 5’2”, tubby with a round chubby face and brown hair. He plays the ‘cheerful chappy’, the not so bright but likable funny guy.

Aimi walks onto the stage and stops between the two men <canned applause>. She is wearing a very short sleeveless metallic silver mini-dress with matching high-heeled knee boots that boost her height from her natural 5’7”. The dress has a wide deep plunge in the front showing off a nice chest and some cleavage aided by a push-up bra. Above the boots, her dancer’s legs are bare and shapely. Aimi is 25 with golden hair worn in a shoulder length bob with a low fringe above her green eyes and curling around her long heart shaped face, covering her ears. She has a broad cute nose with small nostrils, a wide mouth with thin lips in an impish smile that pushes up her quite prominent cheeks. Her chin is quite long and pointed. Aimi’s role is pure eye-candy playing the dumb blonde bimbo comedy stooge. Apart from her looks, her most notable asset is her excitable high-pitched squeaky voice. She is carrying a plate of crumpets.

Aimi (shivering): “It’s cold in here boys”

Benny: “I wouldn’t say that”. He exaggerates running his eyes up and down her body <canned laughter>

Eddy: “The fire’s gone out. Could you see to it love?”

Aimi (high pitched): “OK!”

Aimi walks to the stove, then realises she has something in her hands.

Aimi (looking confused):”Oh!”

Eddy: “What is it loved?”

Aimi: (brightening as if she has just remembered something): “I’ve brought you something”

Benny: “Later darling, later” <canned laughter>

Ted pretends to slap Benny who does a comedy tumble.

Ted: “What have you got for us Aimi?”

Aimi: “I’ve got a pair of lovely crumpets”

Benny: “You’ve got that right Darling” <canned laughter>

Ted takes the plate

Aimi bends at the waist putting some coal from a bucket inside the stove.

Benny rubs his hands over her backside as if to warm them <canned laughter>

Eddy pretends to slap Benny then gives him a crumpet. They both eat watching Aimi as she wriggles her backside humming to herself while pretending to light the stove.

Aimi closes the stove door and stands.

Ted hands her the empty plate, which she puts on top of the stove

Ted: “Very nice dear”

Benny: “You can say that again” <canned laughter>

Ted: “You know, that could be your catchphrase”

Aimi (looking blank): “What’s that?”

Ted: “Some words that you say every now and then which people will associate with you”

Aimi looks blank

Ted: “Each time you come on, you’ll say ‘I’ve got a lovely pair of crumpets’ go on try it”

Aimi: “I’ve got a pair of lovely crumpets” <canned laughter>

Aimi looks pleased with herself

Ted: “No, it needs more OOMPH”

Benny: “OOMPH?”

Ted: “Yes. You know OOMPH, it needs something else. Something visual that people will remember goes with the words”

Benny tries to stand on tiptoes to Aimi but can’t reach <canned laughter>

Benny signals to Aimi beckoning with his finger. Aimi crouches down. Benny pretends to whisper in her ear.

Benny: “Go on, try it”

Aimi (shaking her chest widely from side to side): “I’ve got a pair of lovely crumpets” <canned laughter>

Ted: “No, No. It’s before the watershed. Little boys out there will be put right off their tea.” <canned laughter>

Ted: “She needs something else”

All (stand as if in thought)

Aimi (bright and cheerful): “I know!”

Benny: “Don’t overdo it love. You know thinking makes your brain hurt” <canned laughter>

Aimi (brightly): “Judo!’

She is standing next to Benny and grabs his wrist, raises it high in the air, forcing him on tip toes then swings it down in an arc, flipping Benny head over heels to the floorboards.

Benny: “Ow!” <canned laughter>

Eddy (astonished): “What was that?”

Aimi (chirpily): ‘Judo!’

She grabs Eddy’s wrist and throws him the same way, cart wheeling him through the air.

Eddy: “Ow!” <canned laughter>

Benny: (getting to his feet, looking angry) “Stop that”

Aimi (blankly): “Stop what?”