Chapter 8

I'm not sure, but I thought I noticed a slight change in Emily's behaviour towards me in the days following the burning of that police file. I wouldn't say her attitude softened; it was more like she was somehow frightened of me or nervous about something anyway. Really it is difficult to explain. When we spoke to each other about anything, she appeared to take a quick glance back at me after turning away, as if to check the expression on my face.

I know that Bridget picked up on this nervousness in Emily and asked me a couple of times whether Emily and I had had an argument, but I could only tell her that we hadn't. Looking back now I'm surprised that I never tied Emily's strange behaviour to the damned police file and her haste to destroy it. The look of relief on her face when I said I hadn't had time to even look at it, should - I suppose - have registered in my mind at the time. But for some reason I'd put it down to her knowing she no longer had a police record.

Something else that should have registered in my mind was that civil servants don't normally destroy records or hand them over to anyone else to destroy. Unless they've made a huge cock-up somewhere in the works, so whatever the guy in the big black limo claimed, I should imagine there's a copy of the file he gave me kicking around in London somewhere.

After a week or so, things at home returned to their strange normal. But I was beginning to think that we couldn't go on like that. In the end surely our strange home life was going to have some effect on Bridget. I'm not sure when I started making plans in my head, but it was a month or so after the file burning incident that I started covertly looking for a flat.

Asking Emily to move out of the house just wasn't in the cards. I thought it was only fair that she lived in the house with Bridget and I moved into a nearby flat from where I'd be quickly available for Bridget. This was one of the few times that I didn't discus my plans with Stella but she very quickly picked up that I was up to something. Stella could read me like a book, but, with everything that had gone on, I found it quite easy to fob her off though.

I'd found that I'd started going out on my own some evenings, I think to get away from the strange atmosphere in the house, and it could be that's when I first thought of the idea of moving out. Or it might have been the regular presence of Emily's car outside in the same block that the girls lived in. They had never mentioned that Emily was visiting them and I didn't ask, so I could only assume that she was going elsewhere. I can't be sure why I didn't ask the girls; maybe I didn't want to know the answer to that question.

I met up with Pat a couple of times for a quiet drink. The first time we met, I told him about what the man in the Jag had told me about Sean MacBride. Pat asked to repeat the message several times, then he sat back and smiled.

"Well now, that's something I never expected to hear, John. Sean MacBride died many years ago, but its nice to know that the police also consider him dead and buried and aren't looking for him any more. It puts a closure on things that should never have happened."

I asked Pat who Sean MacBride was, as I suspected that it was Pat's real name. But Pat, politely refused to answer my questions. I think I told you earlier that I knew that Connolly was not Pat or Kathy's real surname.

Pat asked me how things were going at home between Emily and myself; I could only tell him that they weren't going well. I almost let him in on my plans to move out of the house, but for some reason I didn't. Strange that, as I trusted that man more than anyone else in my life at that time. But I didn't even tell him of my plans.

I made sure that Emily, Bridget and I went out together - for a meal or to the cinema - at least twice a week. I was still hoping that Emily's attitude would change, but it didn't appear to in my opinion.

About four or maybe five times over the following few months Emily went out straight from work on Friday evenings. Other than asking her whether she'd had a nice time, I didn't enquire where she'd been, or whom she'd been with. I didn't think it was my place to.

But Bridget did in my hearing on a couple of occasions and she received - what I took to be - some very non-committal answers from Emily.

Then I began to notice that a couple of times, when it was Stella or my turn to pick up Bridget from school, Emily would turn up late for dinner. And on those occasions I didn't get the impression that she'd just come from the office either. After a few weeks I began to notice that this happened regularly every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon.

Some subtle enquiries made of Emily's employer who, as I've said before was a friend of mine, informed me that Emily was making full use of the flextime working arrangements that had been initiated in his company. Respecting Emily's privacy, he wouldn't divulge to me Emily's actual working hours, or any time off that she had been taking during the day. Remember although he and I were friends, Emily and I, although we lived in the same house, were not married and he was well aware of that fact.

I think I made a mistake by asking him. Probably if I'd asked Stella to enquire, I would have discovered more; Stella can be a little subtler than I can. But we tend to think of these things after the fact, don't we?

I'm not sure when the idea came into my head but I was pretty sure that Emily had found someone at her place of employment that she was getting close to. I was also convinced that whoever it was, most likely lived in the same block as the girls. The fact that the girls blanked me when I made - what I thought - were subtle enquires about Emily's car being parked outside their block convinced me that I was on the right track. After all what would have been the problem in them telling me that she was visiting them.

Just to make sure, one evening when I knew the girls were going straight over to meet Pat from work, I swung past their flat on the way home. Sure enough Emily's car was parked in the car park and she arrived late for dinner at Stella's house again that evening. That was the clincher as far as I was concerned. It was time for me to go.

Well, then I had the unenviable task of telling everyone that I was moving out of the house. I believe I made a mistake there as well. I told Emily and Bridget when we were having dinner together one Sunday. Emily just sat and stared at me, whilst for a little while, Bridget - who didn't speak either - just sat looking from me to Emily and back for a long time before she spoke.

"Why, Dad?" Bridget asked.

"I'm sorry, Bridget, we can't go on like this. Your mother and I are two different people to who we were all those years ago. After what happened I don't think that we can ever be a family again like I'd hoped, and it's only fair that I go. Your mother has missed so much of your growing-up and I think she's the best person to guide you through these next few years."

Bridget went back to her looking between the two of us again; Emily hadn't broken her silence yet.

"Mother, you can't let Dad leave," Bridget finally said to Emily.

Emily looked at our daughter but still didn't say anything. Then she suddenly jumped out of her seat and ran from the room. I heard her run up the stairs and slam her bedroom door.

"I'm sorry, Bridget, but this just isn't working. Your mother and I need to move on with our lives now; whatever I feel in my heart, I have to let her go."

"But you love her, Dad!"

"Yes, I do, but she doesn't love me, Bridget. I've told you a thousand times I let your mother down very badly and I don't think she will ever be able to forgive me for doing that."

"But I'm sure that Mother does love you, Dad."

"Even if she does Bridget, love isn't everything. You have to have trust and I destroyed any trust your mother had in me many years ago."

"I'm going to talk to Mother," Bridget announced and left me alone with all the half-eaten meals.

I'd lost my appetite as well, so I cleared away the dishes and washed up. Then I went to my room and completed the rest of my packing. I'd been furtively packing my stuff up for the previous week.

Both girls were in Emily's room when I'd finished loading the car. They must have heard me carrying my bags down the stairs, but they didn't come out. I knocked on Emily's bedroom door quietly but neither answered me.

"I'm leaving now. I've left my new address on the kitchen table," I called through the door.

I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I started making my way down to the car. I had no sooner got to the bottom of the stairs, when Bridget came dashing down after me.

"Dad, wait! Don't go, please?" she begged.

"Bridget, I'm sorry but I have to. I've tried, but it just isn't working," I replied.

Then I kissed her and left for my flat.

"What the hell sort of game do you think you're playing?" Stella demanded as I walked into my office the following morning.

One look at her told me that Stella was really on the warpath. She had obviously heard from Bridget or Emily and I was in for the full works.

"Stella, it just wasn't working so I..."

"What wasn't bloody working?" Stella demanded.

"Well, you know, Emily and me."

"Christ, you know you're a bloody moron sometimes, Tony. What the hell did you think you were doing announcing that you were going to move out, and then ten minutes later you're gone."

"It wasn't quite that quickly."

"Not far off it, from what Bridget told us. Kathy, Margo and I've been round your place all damn night with Emily crying on our shoulders. Blimey, John, both Emily and Bridget are crying their eyes out. You know you can be a dammed insensitive bastard sometimes."

"But I..."

"None of your bloody buts. We are going to your house right now and sort this mess out. Don't you realise, in Bridget's eyes, its going to look like Emily has driven you away. And Emily is never going to forgive herself for separating you from Bridget."

"But that's not what I intended. I was giving Emily space and the opportunity to be with her daughter."

"What the hell does Emily want space for? She's not a bloody teenager."

"Well, she's not comfortable with me around, I'm dammed sure of that! And I think she's got more chance of finding someone if I'm not there than she would have if I was."

"Find someone! Who the hell is she supposed to be looking for?"

"Well, someone to love, I suppose!"

Stella stood up and went over to my office door. She opened it and stared at the sign fixed to it for a couple of moments. Then she looked back at me.

"Anthony Bartholomew, Company Chairman." She read out-loud. Then she slammed the door shut again.

"Tony, how did you manage to become chairman of this damned company when you can't understand your own wife. Don't you think that Emily had all the bloody space she needed in the last ten years? Did you ever hear her talk of any of her conquests whilst you two were apart."

"No. But..."

"What is it with you and these buts all the time. Tony, Emily, no matter how she behaves towards you, is still your wife in her mind and she loves you. I'll give you that there is something troubling her, but you'd better believe me, she still loves you. She always has!"

"I know what is troubling her, Stella. She can't trust me. Emily needs to find someone she can put her trust in."

"Total codswallop, Tony. Emily has being doing her best to sort her problems out and then you... you walk out and bloody abandon her again. Damn it man, didn't she come running home the moment you invited her to? After the way you'd treated her, didn't you find that even the slightest bit surprising?"

"No. Well, if you think about it, it was surprising. But by living at my house, she was close to Bridget and could get back into her life."

"Look, Tony, Emily's been seeing a counsellor for months now. He's been trying to help her sort out her problems."

"What, a psychiatrist?"

"Yes. No. Well, I suppose so. I'm not up on these things. She's been seeing him on Tuesdays and Thursdays every week. Didn't you ever wonder why she was late those nights or why it worked out that I always picked the children up."

"Don't tell me his office is in the same block Kathy and Margo live in."

"No, the building next door, I believe. Margo told me that she fixed it up for Emily, although I believe the guy lives a couple of doors away from the girls' flat. From what I've heard he's taken quite a shine to Margo."

"Oh, hell, why didn't anyone say something to me?"

"Because Emily asked us not to, I should imagine. She asked me not to tell you. As to why she chose not to tell you, only Emily can answer that question for you. So I think we'd better go to your house and you can ask her."

"But what about those evenings she's being going out?"

"So what's your problem there. Emily goes out for a drink with Kathy and Margo, and a bit of a laugh. Don't you ever go out of the house in the evenings?"

"Well, yes, you know I do."

"And you aren't chaperoned by two of Emily's friends, are you? What the hell are you worried about there?"

"She never said who she was going with."

"Did you even ask?"

"Um... no, I didn't. Emily's got the right to do what she wants. It wasn't really my business."

"Perhaps if you had asked, it would have shown her that you care. And then you just up and move out of the house. Didn't you think there was a slight possibility that Emily thought you were meeting someone when you were out on your own in the evenings. That's obviously what you thought she was doing. Now come on, let's get back to your house and sort this mess out."

When I pulled into the drive Bridget came running out of the house and threw her arms around me the moment I got out of the car. Stella got out and went into the house leaving my daughter and I standing there. After Bridget had calmed down a little I managed to extract myself from her arms and we followed Stella inside.

Kathy and Margo were coming down the stairs as we entered. I'll not discuss the looks both girls gave me, neither actually spoke. Kathy put her arm around Bridget and led her into the lounge. I gathered that Emily was upstairs so I made my way up there. It was then that I realised just how insensitive a person I really was. Emily wasn't in her own room; she and Stella were in mine.

There was significance in their location, which suddenly hit home to me. That room had been my space in the house and Emily had chosen to be in there. Emily had chosen to be as close as possible to me.

I entered the room slowly. I'm not sure that Emily had any idea that I'd arrived. With a gesture of my head I asked Stella to leave us alone. Emily who was lying on her stomach on the bed did not look up until she heard Stella close the door behind her.

"I'm sorry, Emily," was all I could think of to say.

Emily looked at me with tears streaming down her face but didn't say anything. So I lay down beside her and took her in my arms.

Emily still didn't speak; she just placed her head on my shoulder and lay there crying for a long time without saying anything. After some time her sobs grew quiet and she fell asleep. It was not a restful sleep for Emily; she did a lot of mumbling but I couldn't make out what she was saying.

It was lunchtime when Stella brought up some coffee for me and tea for Emily. Stella and the girls had looked in several times during the morning. But I signalled them to let Emily sleep; from what Stella had told me she hadn't slept much during the night.

Emily was woken by the sound of Stella closing the door. She sat up and looked at me.

"I've made a real mess of it, haven't I?" she finally said to me.

"I'd say we've both made a mess of things for a long time now Emily. I wanted you back into my life and maybe I went about it all wrong."

"No, I couldn't let go of my anger until..." Emily stopped talking and looked sort of vacant for a few seconds. "Until I realised that you were gone again."

"I thought that was what you really wanted, Emily..."

"No, Tony, I just want all of this never to have happened. But there was so much hurt. I couldn't let go of it. Do you know I've been seeing a counsellor?"

"So I gather, but why didn't you tell me? I misread what you were being so secretive about, Emily. I thought you'd found some..."

"No, Tony, I could never do that. You've been the man in my life for so long."

"After what I did to you?"

"You didn't do that. Those animals did that to both of us. It hurt me that you didn't believe me, but when I..." Emily stopped talking again.

"When you what, Emily?"

She looked into my eyes. "Tony, I love you. Can't we forget everything that's happened in the past?"

"If you want to, Emily, I'd only be too pleased to have you back as my wife. It's you who has to be sure, not me."

"I'm sure, Tony," Emily said and lent forward to kiss me.

It might sound odd to some people, but that was all there was to it. Well, almost! For the next hour or so Emily and I were rolling around the bed like a couple of teenagers. Complete with all the usual fumbling around. Suddenly the last ten years and what had happened were not important anymore. Or a least they didn't seem to be. Needless to say the tea and coffee went un-drunk and got cold.

We were prompted to finally leave the bed by the sound of an extremely noisy vehicle exhaust as it pulled up outside the house. I'm not sure what made me look out the window, but when I did, I saw Pat getting out of his old Transit pickup.

"It's Pat Connolly," I replied to Emily, when she asked who it was.

"What's Pat doing here?" She asked.

"Probably come by to kick my arse for me. I think everyone is after my blood now. Come on, we'd better have a shower and go downstairs, so I can face the music."

"Together?" Emily asked.

"Can you think of a better way?"

What I can only call a wicked grin came on Emily's face.

"Sounds like fun, but I thought the idea was to go down a see what Pat wants." She grinned back at me.

"Don't go thinking of getting too kinky, girl. The on-suite shower cabinet in here isn't that big."

"We'd better use the family one then," she replied, still smiling.

"Not today, Emily. If you like I'll get a bigger one fitted in here in the long term. But we can't go running around the house naked with Bridget and everyone here."

We had a quick shower together, in that tiny cubical - albeit with the pair of us giggling like school kids. Then we got dressed and went down to face Bridget and our friends, who were all in the kitchen drinking tea and coffee.

Emily was firmly attached to my right arm when Bridget noticed us and came running over, almost knocking everybody else's drinks off of the table as she did so. Surprisingly no one said very much. I think all that needed to be said was conveyed by facial expressions. For which read big grins on everyone, but Emily and my faces. The two of us, I think, were looking quite embarrassed as it was obvious to everybody in the room just what we'd been doing for the last hour or so.

"Hi, Pat. To what do we owe the pleasure of you company?" I finally asked. Well, someone had to say something.

"Kathy was saying that you might be having a nice little flat to sub-let and I was thinking it might be in a nicer part of town than where I live now. And, of course it would be closer to the girls," Pat answered, still grinning at me.

"Kathy could be right there, Pat," I replied.

"Good. Give us your flat keys and we'll go and get you stuff in Dad's truck, It'll save you going," Kathy said holding out her hand.

"But you don't know where it is."

"Flat 12, Victoria Place!" Margo announced. "If Stella hadn't brought you home, we'd have been waiting there for you after work. Now let's have those keys and we'll get going."

Well, they did. They had me moved back into the house in a couple of hours. Stella took Bridget home with her that night and left Emily and me alone together. Like a second honeymoon.

There were a lot of things that Emily and I should have discussed, but we didn't. For the time being at least we'd put everything behind us and looked only to the future. And for the next eight or nine months or so everything did look like it was working out wonderfully for us. Well, I thought so. I know I was as happy as I had been when Emily and I had first married.

It was very strange to get back to regular love making with the woman you love, especially when she'd been so close, but so far away for sometime.

Over the following months Emily was reintroduced to all the members of my family, with a lot of embarrassment on my family's side and a very forgiving and willingness to forget attitude on Emily's behalf; things went quite smoothly. Bridget always made sure she was in attendance and with the help of Kathy and Margo who she always managed to rope in when the occasion required. The girls managed to work in some extremely subtle changes to the subject being discussed sometimes.