Chapter 53

I took a deep breath and turned the door knob.

The backdoor opened into a hallway. There was a door straight in front of me, one to my left about eight feet, and another to my right the same distance, with a fourth door at the very back end of the hall. I knew the door I wanted was the one in front of me.

I stepped into the hall and closed the door behind me. I took another deep breath and considered retreat. After all, there was no shame in retreat. Most famous generals retreated at one time or another. Wasn't it Patton who said, "I'm not retreating, I'm advancing to the rear"? Or something like that.

But, I decided, this isn't the time for retreat. I stepped forward to the door. As I reached down for the doorknob, I remembered General Custer, who hadn't known when to retreat. I opened the door.

She was sitting next to the window staring out, watching the snow fall. I thought about retreating one more time, then cleared my throat. "Hello, Kelly."

Kelly jerked and spun around, looking wide-eyed. "What are you doing here?"

I smiled, hopefully reassuringly. "We need to talk." I'd known that her Mom had gone to lunch with Alana and that her dad had gone bowling with Mikee and Peter. Kenny was off doing whatever it was he did, so she was alone.

"Why?"

"Cause you're not happy, and I want to know why."

"I'm fine," she said, turning back to the window. "Just fine."

"No, you're not." I crossed the room and laid my hand on her shoulder.

Kelly jerked, spun again, and stood. "I said I'm okay. You can go now."

"Kelly, I want to help."

"I don't need any help. Go away." She pointed toward the open door.

I grabbed her wrist and pulled her down to the floor and sat on her. "I'm staying here until you decide to talk to me." After all, it worked with Tami.

Kelly didn't struggle, she just glared. "I'm not your fucking girlfriend. And I'm not a fucking little girl. And I'll decide who I want to talk to, and when. Now get your fucking hands off me and go away." Her words were so cold that I almost imagined icicles hanging from them.

I stared down at her.

"You're right." I got off her and stood up. I reached a hand down to her, but she ignored it and stood on her own. "I'm sorry. That was out of line. But I really think you need to talk to someone. Your mom, Mikee, Tami. There's a lot of people of care about you."

Kelly turned her back and went back to the window. I watched her stare out for several minutes, then left. Man had I blown it this time!

I mean, if you can't learn life lessons from George Custer, who can you learn them from?

As I walked down the street, I wondered if Robbie was home. Maybe she could use me as a tackling dummy. Better yet, she could use my chin as a pitching target, since baseball was coming up next. All I'd done was make things worse. I should have respected Kelly's privacy and let her talk when she wanted to. Instead, I charged in like the damn knight on the white horse that I keep telling Tami I don't want to be. Hell, Robby could pitch at my balls.

I don't think I've ever felt lower. I wished that Tami was around so I could at least talk to her about it, but she, her mom, and grandma had gone to Seattle for a couple of days.

I let myself into my empty house. It was the middle of the week, so Mom was at work, and Dad was looking for work. Traci was at the gymnastics club, doing an open gym. I picked up the phone and tried Robbie but didn't get an answer. She was probably out with Mike Rose or something.

I wandered around the house. I looked at my computer, but there wasn't anything in cyberspace that I cared about right then. My homework and reading were all done. I thought about reading for fun, I was up to book five in the Mission: Earth series, but just wasn't in the mood.

I drifted back to my parent's room, I noticed the stack of bills on Dad's desk was bigger than usual, there was also a stack of resumes that he'd printed up. I grabbed the clothes hamper out of their closet and took it to the utility room and started a load of clothes.

I thought about cleaning the house from top to bottom, but Mom had gotten used to me being helpful, and that kinda took the fun out of it.

Finally, I decided to run. I'd do about five miles. I hate running, so that could be the start of my penance. It was still snowing but fairly warm, so I went to my room and changed into shorts and a t-shirt. I went back to the living room and started stretching. Maybe I'd do ten miles. That'd teach me. One thing, my New Year's resolution was clear. I wasn't going to get involved in anyone's life but mine. Maybe Tami's, but that was almost the same thing.

I finished stretching. Maybe I'd try for a marathon. Was that twenty-one miles or twenty-six. I opened the door.

Kelly was standing there. It looked like she'd been there a few minutes. She looked surprised to see me.

"You don't have to say anything," I told her. "I'm sorry I tried to interfere. I'll make sure I respect your privacy from now on."

Kelly nodded. "Can I come in?" she asked in a little girl voice, she sounded about ten.

I opened the door wide. "You're always welcome here, you know that."

"Were you going out?" she asked as she came in, she stopped in the middle of the living room looking uncomfortable.

"I was going to run."

"It's snowing."

"Yeah, but it's not that cold. I hate running, but it keeps me in shape." I didn't add that I could stop thinking when I ran, and that right now I didn't want to think.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry." Now she sounded about six.

"You don't have anything to be sorry about. I was out of line. I tried to force you to do something that you didn't want to do."

"I..." She rushed forward and hugged me. Hard. "I shouldn't have yelled. And I shouldn't have said fuc... those words you don't like."

"You're a big girl. I shouldn't have tried to make you tell me something you didn't want to."

Kelly buried her face in my chest. "I don't want to be a big girl," she said, her voice muffled. Then she sobbed.

I wrapped my arms around her and just held her for a long, long time.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked twenty minutes later. I was sitting on the sofa, and Kelly was sitting on the edge of the coffee table, facing me. Mom wouldn't have been happy about that, but right now I didn't care. I was holding both of her hands. She squeezed tight.

"I..."

"If you don't want to talk to me, you could talk to Tami or Robbie. They both care about you a lot."

"I don't know."

"Or Mikee. She's real worried about you. She told me that she wants her old sister back. Or your mom."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay." See, I can be taught. I wasn't going to try to force anything.

"But I have to," she added, her voice a whisper.

'I shot a man just to watch him die.' I almost wished she'd said that. It would have been better that the three words she did say. Three words, nine little letters. "I was raped," she said, her voice flat and emotionless.

Some knight in shining armor I am. My first instinct was to tell her to go back to sulking in her room, and I'd pretend she'd never said anything. Still it made a kind of sense in a senseless world. For almost a month, she hadn't wanted to be touched. But how could anybody be so horny that they'd force a beautiful, innocent girl like Kelly?

"Are you okay?"

"It's been a month and a half. I'm... I'm fine."

"Did you tell anyone?"

Kelly shook her head and wouldn't meet my eyes. "I couldn't"

I tried to remember who she'd been going out with back then. Tami had told me once. "Was it Tyler what's-his-name?"

Kelly shook her head. "He's harmless," she mumbled, still not looking at me.

"Who was it?"

"It's... it's not important."

I thought it was. She needed to tell it all. "Kelly, if you're afraid, there's a lot of people who'll protect you. Your dad, me, Peter, even Kenny." Her head jerked up and she looked straight at me. "You know we're all here for you."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." She tried to pull away but I held onto her hands.

"You don't have to." I smiled and stared into her eyes. Fuck! I was so in over my head. And I knew she was going to make me promise not to tell anyone. And I might have to break that promise.

"Thanks," she said as she looked back down to the floor.

Now what? Do I push, or do I back off? Psychologists get their bachelors, masters, and doctorates. That's like eight or ten years of school. Psychiatrists add medical school to the equation. All I do is read an occasional Psychology Today.

Kelly looked up and smiled weakly. "You're a good friend."

I smiled back. "Remember that when I ask you again who did it." Kelly shook her head. I suppose it could have been a stranger, but then Kelly would have said so. It had to be somebody she knew. One of the guys she dated. I wished I'd kept track. I made a mental note to start keeping up on the guys Traci was going out with. Better yet, I was going to chain her in her room and dig a moat.