Do Bloody What?

"I want you to get me pregnant?"

"Do bloody what?" I looked at my ex-wife in astonishment.

I'd been virtually forced into having this meeting with Michelle by my mother. Well, not exactly forced but she harped on and on about Michelle wanting to see me as she had something really important to discuss with me. I'd had to agree just to get mother off the bloody telephone. Mother had been calling me at work several times a day and, to be honest, my boss was getting real antsy about it.

"You heard me. I said I want you to get me pregnant," Michelle repeated.

"You've got to be bloody joking, girl. I'd drop myself right in the apple cart if I did that. God, I'm not paying you child maintenance for the next god knows how many years."

"If it's only the child maintenance you're worried about, I'll give you a paper that exonerates you from any financial responsibility for the children."

"Children? You want me to father more than one? You must be bloody stark raving mad."

"No I'm not mad. We always said we wanted two children and I'd like to have them now."

"Jesus, girl, you've gone bleeding bonkers. Look, child maintenance isn't up to you. The moment you put in a claim at the benefit office, they are going to ask who the children's father is and they'd be on my back as quick as bleeding lightning."

"But I wouldn't be putting in a claim for benefits."

"Look, this is insane. There's no way I'm going to father any children with you. Go and get one of your boyfriends to father a child for you."

"I don't want anyone else to be the father of my children. I want you. And besides there hasn't ever been any other men in my life ever."

"Bullshit."

"It's true, John!"

"Bollocks, Michelle. What about that guy who was in court with you at our divorce? Do you think I'm bleeding daft or something?"

"No, just gullible sometimes. That was my brother's friend Graham and you know what that means, don't you? He was just there to make you jealous, because you always had that little tart with you."

"That little tart, as you so nicely call her, is Brian's wife, Gale. You know Brian, the work-mate whose sofa I slept on for nearly two years because I couldn't afford anywhere to live myself. I had to pay half the rent money on your bloody flat until the lease ran out. Gale was just there to hold my hand, that's all. They're a lovely couple. I wouldn't do anything that would risk their marriage."

"Oh and I'm supposed to believe that."

"No more than I'm supposed to believe that lover boy Graham, as you call him, is a bloody poof. Jesus, he had every woman in that bloody court room drooling over him."

"Yes, it's a terrible waste, isn't it, and you should see the size of his equipment. But I'm afraid he prefers sleeping with my brother."

"Ah, see, dropped yourself in it there. How'd you know how big his prick is, if you haven't slept with him?"

"He's an actor like my brother, you clown. That's where Pete met him, on a gay film porn shoot. Graham's starred in more gay movies than you've ever seen."

"Well, that wouldn't be many. I've never been partial to watching gay porn."

"Well, take my word for it, Graham has no interest in women. I just had him come along to wind you up. Sounds like it worked."

"You always were a wicked cow!"

"Come on, that show that I put on with Graham was no worse than the one you put on with Gale."

I had to smile to myself as I remembered Gale hanging all over me outside the solicitor's office. I'd watched Michelle's face as she'd struggled to keep her emotions under control. But then when it came to our day in court, Michelle had showed up hanging on the arm of a really handsome guy. Took the bleeding wind right out of my sails, I'll tell you. But Gale had risen to the occasion as she always does. Christ, she almost had me convinced that we were going to shag the night away.

"When you think about it, I suppose it wasn't."

"Good, now that's out of the way, when are we going to get together so you can get me pregnant?"

"Bloody hell, Michelle, I told you there's no way in the world that I'm going to get you pregnant. That would mean we'd have to sleep together and there's no chance of me doing that."

"What's up? Didn't you enjoy fucking me when we were married?"

"Well, of course I did, but we aren't married anymore. Look, I told you I'm not getting lumbered with paying for your children for bleeding ever. I might want to marry someone else in the future and have kids. I'd be in Shit Street if I had to pay for your children as well."