Chapter 2

I woke up dazed and confused. I probably should have been dead. From what seemed like just happened, I'd been hit by lightning. Next to a power plant. And a tornado had probably just run over my body. Seriously, I'm in shape, but I don't think I'm that in shape. And what the fuck happened to the scenery? There were no amber waves of grain that I could see, and not a cow pasture in sight. I couldn't even see the stars because of the trees overhead. This was messed up and beyond strange. I just couldn't wrap my head around what could have happened. The only thing I was really sure of was that I had cotton mouth like no other, and when I tried to spit, it took me a few tries until I got out a wad of solid white crap. It was the barest form of spit I've ever had.

It seemed like a good enough time to roll over and cough and try to get something out of my mouth as any, so I did and got to my feet. That was probably where my good ideas went bad. I had the worst head rush ever, shit, and I fell back down because of it. But getting up again, I sorta had balance and I shuffled away from where I started before falling down again. This was awkward. I was not going to get anywhere falling down all the time. My legs still twitched like I was being shocked every few minutes. I hoped that would go away soon. It seemed like it was dark, but it was so hot. It wasn't this hot where I'd come from. But I was here now, and the most important thing was finding someone to help me. I could stand now, but I shook all over, and the edges of my eyes had blackness about them. Wherever I was, I was vulnerable. I was scared without my peripheral vision. You can't count how many bad drivers I've avoided, or runners I've blocked, thanks to that wonderful stuff. I felt awkward without it. It was like my watch, which was fried beyond belief. Worthless, I was sure, but no need to throw it away yet. My mom didn't raise me to be a litterbug. I halfway wondered what time it was, but I needed to find someone first, so I stumbled along through a whole mess of plants I've never seen, and some ridiculous sized ones I've seen on like Discovery Channel or something, and some of those flowers or whatever were pretty, but everything seemed sinister and looming. There was so much foliage.

As I walked, I regained my leg control, and my peripheral vision too. It was good, because this huge branch came down from my left side and tried to smack me in the face. It moved with a purpose, too, and I just ducked in time to avoid it and get beyond its reach. There was so much greenery in this place, just everything was huge green leaves and tree branches and gigantic roots. I couldn't see anything, it was a rain forest or a jungle or something and I could barely tell plant from plant. I finally found a tree, and looking around was like being behind an SUV on the road. It was massive. I dunno where the fuck I was, but they came stocked with MiracleGrow like nobody's business. And it was eerily quiet at the moment, which really made no sense considering how vibrant the rest of the forest was. There was so much foliage, I couldn't believe there weren't any animals. And that thought brought more worry to my mind — there were cats and snakes and spiders and other things that ate tougher and bigger meals than me in South American jungles, no doubt they were here too. And no doubt they were quiet when they stalked their prey, and by that logic, I was being hunted by at least every predator I'd ever thought of and now, being sufficiently scared, I began my run. I just knew that I had to leave the middle of this forest. It was too exposed, I needed room to run, I needed space between me and the vines that creeped all around me.

I knew, beyond all shadow of a doubt, that I had never heard of where I was, never seen it on the Discovery Channel, never read about it in geography class, never seen pictures of it in National Geographic. This place was different. It was huge. Everything was supersized and sinister, even the plants had that shade of green which looked somewhat poisonous. I didn't know what to do as I ran, looking around, making enough noise to attract everything, as I realize now, and I was about to slip into a panic. I was a kid on break from college, electrocuted by nature and waking up in a jungle world from hell. It was like Jumanji, as far as I could tell, but luckily I hadn't run into the real nasties yet.

Which was when I suddenly got tripped up, nearly fell flat on my face but braced with my hands and felt something coil strongly around my ankle and begin to lift me in the air. Dazed, I looked back and saw that it was a vine. So I'd tripped over a vine, that was silly.

Why am I moving?

Oh no.

No way.

Is the plant moving me?

Oh god. Oh shit. Oh fuck.

Hoisted five feet in the air now, I finally realized what was going to happen. Lacking any kind of tool, I did a successful crunch and grabbed the vine with my hands, the blood no longer rushing to my head. The vine, strong enough to pull me up, was not going to be ripped apart without some kind of tear. My fingers, my nails cut short, were just not doing the trick. Snap decision: bite and die of poison, possibly or let it take me where it wants? Obviously, I like know danger more than unknown. And I doubt that certain doom is that much better than uncertain doom.

I bit down, sharp, strong teeth cutting into the vine, ripping off some its flesh and feeling it quiver and shake me. Both hands holding on, my face also latched into it, I refused to move and just ripped apart the meat more. The thick vine was missing a decent chunk now, which meant that when I pushed my fingers into the gash I'd made, I was able to rip it apart. I heard a demon shriek and I fell, the vine dropping me flat on my back just as quickly as it had come. I got up and ran again, not even waiting for my breath to recover, just getting the hell away from that thing. I ran for what I could feel seemed to be about ten miles and did it in about an hour. Hurrah for internal clocks and distance gages. And at the end of that hour, I finally burst out to see the rising sun and a river with a canyon across it. In that canyon, there looked to be caves, which I assumed were not safe now, but could be made to be safe. Anything was better than having to fight off plants and not being able to see the predators around me. And across the river, there seemed to be an opening pathway in another hellish overgrown forest. Perhaps I would find help there as well.

But at the moment, I was facing a bigger problem. There was no way for me to cross the river. The current was strong, I could see it whipping around the rocks, nearly a white water river, and I didn't see any slippery boulders for me to cross on. I didn't doubt the existence of some terrible fish like piranha or a water snake or a crocodile or something that wanted to eat me. And it could go like Oregon Trail and I might get dysentery from the water. So swimming across sounded like a terrible idea. Going back into the forest sounded like another terrible idea. What in the hell was I gonna do?

I turned back and started to walk towards the forest when I saw a fairly good sized tree and looked at the bark. It was thick, thick stuff, but it was bark. Hopefully if I took a big enough chunk, it would be like a raft and I could get across. Tearing at it left with not much besides blistered fingers and crappy pieces of bark that weren't big enough. This wasn't going to work. I thought about trying something from Fern Gully or whatever and hopping into a leaf and going across and then realized that in my desperation, I was thinking like a four year old.

There was nothing to it but to man up and swim it. I'm a fairly fast swimmer, pretty strong since I've been doing it for forever. I just need to get in, sprint to the other side, and go for it. But I've got another issue. My shoes. As worthless as they are for running and for traction, the bottoms being melted flat and all, the damn things are still worthwhile since I've got nothing else. They protect my feet, they allow me to run faster without worry of injury, they're just a good idea to have. Napoleon lost his invasion because his soldiers didn't have proper footwear, I didn't want to be in a similar situation. So, taking them off and realizing that this was going to slow me down considerably, I took a shoe and tied it tight around my thigh, the shoe on the outside. Hopefully, the resistance wouldn't kill me as much as if I'd tied it somewhere else and I would still be able to use my feet. Doing the same with the other shoe and jumping on in, I began my swim.

That was the coldest water I'd ever been in and the longest swim of my life. It couldn't have been more than 200 yards, but it was agonizing to be in the water for the 3 minutes it took me, on account of that current blowing me sideways. And of course, I saw shadows and pissed in the pool, so to speak, and sped up. I ended up a fair distance away from the opening I saw, but it had looked especially definite, so I wanted to be sure to look at it and perhaps use it. Getting my shoes back on, I began the squishy walk up another few hundred yards to get back to the clearing. With each squelch, I thought a saber-toothed tiger would jump out and eat me, but it didn't. Nor did I get attacked by any alligators or flying piranha or anacondas. Reaching the clearing, I was ecstatic. It had been burned into the ground. There was a pathway before me that lead up to the canyon face that had been burned straight to the ground. There was nothing so beautiful in my mind right then as the scorched earth before me. Hell, if there had been salt and shovels, I would have started helping them make it permanent and salted the land. Seeing open space, amid nothing but unknown and forbidding jungle made me miss Nebraska and its flat plains. Being able to see for miles without trees or hills in your way is something I took for granted and kind of hated about Nebraska and now I just wish I was there in a place more familiar. But this was good enough for me, and I took off down the trail, my shoes still squishy but my spirits soaring, until I came to the canyon face.