Chapter 5

On the road, I cranked KSLX, the classic rock station. They were playing Stairway to Heaven. I couldn't get over how strange Lily's mom had acted. It was like she didn't care if her own daughter came to her wedding. After my father had made such a big deal over my being there. And then contradicting herself like that. It was so... then I realized. I was being set up.

I pulled into the lumber yard and drove passed the enormous granite quarry. Lily had mentioned her father living at the far end of the quarry, in the row of new homes. I figured on driving passed all the home until I saw a car that looked like hers. Turned out, I didn't need to. The setup was for real. Lily was waiting at her front gate. I slowed to a halt and she crossed around the front of the car. She was waving to the front door of her father's house as she opened my door. Lily slid in and looked at me.

"So, the fix," I said. She grinned.

"They didn't give it away, did they?"

"I didn't get it until halfway here."

"Good," she smiled.

"Why good?"I asked.

"You passed." I pulled out onto the freeway and stole a glance at Lily. She was grinning ear-to-ear. Her impish features giving her up to an almost angelic luminosity.

"It had to be your own idea. That's how I would know."

"If—" She nodded.

'If you cared."

"I care," I said. She smiled again. This time she nodded sagely. An frightening thought hit me.

"Wait, your mom—My dad! They—" Lily caught me.

"No. Christ, no. I made up something about us getting to bond since we're going to be related and all that. I told mom what to say, and your dad went along with it. But I told them if you didn't say anything, not to say a word."

"And you'd have just stayed up here, and missed your mother's wedding, if I'd have blown it?"

"No," she laughed, "'Course not. There's nothing wrong with my car, obviously. So I was just going to drive down in the morning."

I shook my head.

"So, now what?"

"Well," she said, "That depends on you." I flashed a smile.

"That's a rare smile," she said. "Nice, I should add."

"I might be happy," I replied, clearly floating up from my seat.

Lily put her hand on mine—you could say it was to hold me down—and we drove, no needless words passing between us. Nothing but the wind racing passed my little car, classic rock rattling its factory speakers, slower traffic falling off to the right.

When at last, we pulled into the drive at my father's house, she squeezed my hand.

"So we can put all this behind us, and be friends, right?" My heart did a ka-chunk like a drive-shaft tearing through its casing.

"Put what behind us, exactly?" I blurted.

"You know," Lily said, looking at me like I was a strange alien creature. "All that stuff that happened. Just be, friends. Like brother and sister. We can just wipe the slate clean from last week, right?" I couldn't speak. I swallowed hard. Her mother and my father were standing on the porch watching us through the windshield. They were waiting. I had made a terrible mistake. My mind flipped and landed splat on its face, and was now trying desperately to recover. Oh my God, was that what she had meant? Passed the test. Passed the test. Like I'm going to be a decent stepbrother... I asked the question with as little emotion as possible.

"Forget it all and move on?" Lily was looking at me.

"Yeah," she nodded. "That's how it should be, right?" Right? Right? Was that a question. A rhetorical question? A direct question? Was that a question directed at me, or God or my car? If I say, 'No. That's not how it should be. That's not at all what I had hoped for, ' would she slap my face, and running screaming to her mother, my father? Or is it the other way around? Open-ended, up to me? Is she putting it to me to decide the fate of our relationship? I swallowed hard, but there was no mucus so my throat stuck fast like thick tar.

"OK," I said, tentatively.

"OK," said Lily, seemingly reassured. Reassured of what, though? But when she patted my hand and opened the car door, I knew. I had had it all wrong. I wasn't going up there to rescue her. To carry her off. To get to have her. I closed my eyes for a split second. Oh yeah, this is reality. You can get away with an errant blow job. But don't expect that mistake to happen again.

When I got out of the car, my legs were weak. I suddenly felt tired. Like the weight of the world was back on my shoulders, my name changed back to Atlas. And that's when you know it's heavy. If you carry that weight, never let anyone come along and offer to take away the burden for a moment or two. 'Cause when they hand it back, that's when you understand just how fucking heavy it was in the first place. To be a goddamned foolish kid!

I ate my dad's burgers. I couldn't taste them, though. I drank the water to wash them down. I listened idly as the new family made conversation, got excited about the coming union. Two days time, and my world would be locked in. I longed for Sunday. Not for the union, mind you, but for the release. I would stand at my father's side, watch him begin anew, and then pass like the happy little footnote I always supposed I'd be. Then I could return south. Back to the meaningless high school existence I knew. One thing was for certain. I would not be coming back.

That night I crawled into bed, and pressed my face into my pillow. It was worn the way I liked it. I'd have to take it with me. And how fitting that it be the only goddamn thing I take. In a few moments my lids became so weighted with that old familiar self-pity, that I let them fall and rode that dragon of teen emo-angst into sleep.

I dreamt I was at a carnival. I was watching a horrible magician perform magic tricks with playing cards. The guy was so obvious that a couple times he nearly dropped the card after making it 'disappear' behind his hand. For his final trick, he had everyone come close. I wanted to tell him maybe we should move back. Or better yet, close our eyes, just to make it more believable. Or bearable, I'm not sure which. He held up a Queen of Hearts. Then he leaned in close to everyone around me. Or specifically to me, actually. He said he would make the card turn into a Joker before my eyes. Then, and this I really didn't see coming, he snapped his fingers in front of my face with the other hand, and viola. I burst out laughing. The card hadn't changed. It was still a Queen of Hearts. I shook my head and started to turn away, but the phony magician leaned in so close he need only whisper to proclaim, 'And to think, you believed me.' Was he kidding? I didn't believe him. He said it again: 'And to think, you believed me.

The fuck I did. But he kept right on saying it. Who was this guy? I felt warm air on my ear.

"And to think—" but the voice wasn't his. It belonged to... Lily, "—you believed me." I was awake.

She was lying beside me. I shot upright and tried to pull away from her.

"Did you hear me?" she said.

"I heard the magician," I said, bleary as all hell.

"Hmm?"

"Nothing. What? What do you want?" I asked.

"I said, 'you believed me. You actually believed me.'"

"About what," I wanted to know.

"About what I said in the car." I could hear her mouth forming a grin. "I was kidding." She leaned in close and kissed my ear. A Joker, before my very eyes. Some magician.